Sunday, 28 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 5, Season 2, "The Doctor"

Or better title, "Zombies Don't Cry"


Welcome home!
photo credit, welovesoaps.net


Emma and Mary Margaret trample through the forest with Mulan and Sleeping Beauty, fresh from their failed quest to reach Storybrooke through the enchanted wardrobe. But they stop short when they discover their super safe fort has been attacked. The bodies with holes in their chests tip off Mary Margaret that this isn't the work of an ogre, but none other than Barbara Hershey Cora and her puffy lips.

Among the piles of victims they find one sole survivor...Captain Hook.

photo credit, starstills.com
David struts around Storybrooke with his borrowed Sheriff's star and holster.

Personally, I have more faith in Woody from Toy Story.

Dr. Whale approaches him to discuss the serious matter of whether the Mayor's new attitude of not using magic or killing people is genuine. Instead, David sucker punches him for dating Mary Margaret that one time awhile ago when no one knew their real identity.

After that pointless display of testosterone, David tell Dr. Whale he's trying to build a portal back to fairytale land.

The Mayor visits Dr. Hopper for her therapy session about resisting magic—it's been two days! Dr. Whale bursts into the room and demands a one way trip back to fairytale land.

The Mayor spits out that she has no magic strong enough to give him what he wants, plus there's that awkward mention of a dead brother he's looking for.

Desperate, Dr. Whale storms out of another scene with no real purpose but to give the other characters an opportunity to dump information. Dr. Hopper calmly convinces Regina to tell him about her first time...um with magic.

Rumpelstiltskin and Regina are in a forest clearing playing with a unicorn. A unicorn!!! He shows her how to reach in and take it's heart, but she has a horrible flashback to when Cora did the ole' heartectomy on Daniel (her true love).

Rumpelstiltskin assures her that death only occurs when you will it. He demonstrates the proper technique showing her that even though he holds it's heart, the unicorn is still alive—however it is now controlled by him.

When you take a heart, he tells her, it becomes enchanted and you control it. When Regina resists again he can't hide his disappointment and says, “If you want magic you have to be willing to use the power.”

Here are some other tidbits he's given us; Magic comes with a price, true love is the most powerful magic of all, true love's kiss will break any spell...

The Mayor tearfully confesses to Dr. Hopper that she enchanted Daniel's body and has kept him under glass in her secret vault in the cemetery. Dr. Hopper warns her that as long as she lives in the past, she'll never find her future.

Also, keeping your dead fiance on display is waaaay sicko.

The Mayor doesn't like his advice and blasts out of his office, convinced he and his bow tie can't help her. On the drive home in the rain she thinks she sees Daniel leering at her from across the street...but a second later he's gone—poof like magic.

But that's silly because there's no magic in Storybrooke, except when there is.

David takes Henry to the stables to learn riding and horse grooming as part of his knight in training—in Storybrooke school doesn't matter.

The Mayor visits her mausoleum of love and is terrified to find Daniel's glass casket is *gasp* empty.

Regina meets Rumpelstiltskin and begs him to teach him how to bring back the dead. Rumpelstiltskin does his customary Irish jig of nonsense, and says that transcending death is even beyond his reach.

Up pops Jefferson with a crystal ball to barter. Rumpelstiltskin rolls his eyes at the overly confidant con-artist and reiterates that what he really he needs Jefferson to find is a non-magical realm.

*cough* Storybrooke *cough*

Regina eavesdrops and realizes Jefferson may have some connections that can help her bring Daniel back from the dead.

Jefferson has all the swagger of a bachelor and therefore has yet to become little Grace's loving father. Presently driven by greed, he tempts Regina with knowledge of a wizard who can help her. In exchange he wants a royal passport to move throughout the various realms without any hassle from all those enemies he's made with his shady deals.

Mulan tells Emma she recognizes Captain Hook as a black smith who visited their camp a few months ago. He acts traumatized as he recalls how he survived Cora's thoracic punch-a-thon by pretending to be dead. But Emma isn't fooled and she pulls a knife to his throat demanding the truth.

The Mayor travels to the spookiest part of the hospital basement looking for Dr. Whale.

Jefferson arrives at Regina's castle with 'the wizard' and it's...Dr. Whale! Except he's dressed like a steam punk version of Elton John. 

Light bulb moment!! He's Victor Frankenstein.

Dear ABC,

Frankenstein is NOT a fairytale.

Daniel, my brother...
photo credit, tumblr.com
Dr. Frankie examines Daniel's body. He tells Regina his experiment will require a strong heart that can sustain reanimation. Regina refuses to use one of her mother's enchanted hearts, since she is the reason Daniel is dead.

Wait...no magic? Honey, how the heck are you supposed to bring him back?

The Mayor enters a ransacked room and finds Dr. Whale under a stretcher...and missing an arm. He confesses he reanimated Daniel, but instead of the romantic stable boy, he's now a dangerous blood thirsty zombie.

Yikes! He and the Mayor are going to be Storybrooke's ultimate power couple.

Dr. Frankie assures Regina absolutely no magic is used in his reanimation. She caves and leads Jefferson and Dr. Frankie down to her mother's creepy heart vault. Dr. Frankie looks like a kid in a candy store.

Another bad day for the Mayor.
photo credit,
David arrives at the hospital and questions The Mayor about Dr. Whale's injuries. She admits Daniel has come back via Dr. Whale's gruesome medicine using one of her hearts from the vault. They worry about which heart was used?  

Well, I know it's not Schmexy's because she *sob* crushed his *sob*.

The Mayor quickly deduces Daniel will be acting on his last memories of being in her mother's stables.

Oops, I guess David shouldn't have left Prince Henry all alone.

Emma ties Captain Hook to a tree, leaving him an appetizer for the ogre. His charade cracks and spills the beans about Cora's master plot to find a way to Storybrooke. He tells them she has the enchanted ashes from the wardrobe, but she still needs his ship, and a magic compass. In exchange for his life, he promises to take them instead (since he's super eager to pay a visit to Rumpelstiltskin).

By hook or by crook...
photo credit wetpaint.com

The Mayor and David arrive just in time to save Henry. They lock Daniel in a stall and she convinces David back off with his gun and let her try and talk to him.

This makes sense because zombies always listen to reason.

Dr. Frankie takes the enchanted heart and disappears into a tent on the hillside as Regina and Jefferson stand in the rain, watching him work behind a screen. His shadow hand pierces Daniel's body just as lightening flashes. A heart beat later (sorry, bad pun) he comes out looking crestfallen and tells Regina the heart wasn't strong enough for the procedure.

Hmm...I think he saved it for his brother. You know from that classic fairytale by Mary Shelley.

*rolls eyes*

The Mayor enters the stall and Daniel approaches her slowly, making her cry with joy. Then he zooms in and starts to strangle her. She chokes out that she loves him and BAM! just like that, he's not a zombie anymore.

Dear Walking Dead,

Put down your weapons, all the zombies need is love.

Daniel collapses in severe pain, begging the Mayor to let him die.

Wow, that was quick.

He pleads with her again, urging her to love again. When she tearfully refuses, he lunges toward her, unable to fight the urge to attack. She finally uses magic and kills him instantly.

Sleepy Beauty did a lot of staring this episode.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Captain Hook leads Emma, Mary Margaret and Mulan through the forest...oh wait, Sleeping Beauty is there too, but she only had one line this whole episode and has no real motivation for this scene. He takes them to a clearing where a bean stalk reaches into the clouds. Emma gives him a look and realizes she not only has to scale an enormous vine, but also battle a giant for the magic compass.

Regina, now smarting from Daniel's botched reanimation, visits Rumpelstiltskin with a new bad ass attitude, and a Marge Simpson inspired hair. She kills his newest apprentice without flinching, proving she's ready for power.

Jefferson and Dr. Frankie visit Rumpelstiltskin and they cackle with joy about how they tricked Regina; Dr. Frankie got to keep the heart, and Regina returned to Rumpelstiltskin super mean and ready for revenge on the world.

Dr. Frankie makes it clear his world has no magic, and that his passion goes by another name. Jefferson keeps his end of the bargain by creating the purple vortex with his hat to send Dr. Frankie back to his world—Europe, I'm guessing.

Dr. Whale arrives at Mr. Gold's shop with his severed arm, and Mr. Gold easily reattaches it, but he offers no hope on the whereabouts of his lost dead brother.

We go black and white to a castle by the sea in the middle of a lightening storm. Dr. Frakie enters his lab with the enchanted heart, pausing by the long metal table. His assistant makes the necessary adjustments to the body under the sheet. The storm rages on. He flicks the heavy power switch and the blanket twitches violently. It's not magic...it's science!

Predictions for the next episode

  1. Sleeping Beauty goes missing but no one realizes until the end of the show.
  2. Captain Hook and Mary Margaret trade necklaces just for fun, but she realizes her disastrous mistake when the silver key unlocks the handcuffs they slapped on Cora.
  3. Granny goes on strike, upset that she's only had one line this season.
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Thursday, 25 October 2012

I Am Currently...

I stole this idea from Kathryn Rose, who stole it from everyone else. Why not?


photo credit, coffeevancouver.ca


Loving: Egg nog in my cappuccino. Milk seems so ordinary now.

Reading: CINDER by Marissa Meyer. What an amazing and unique take on this classic fairytale! Plus, I love a gusty heroine who doesn't mind getting dirty! Next up for my book club is GONE GIRL by Gillian Flynn.

Watching: I'm a sucker for Downton Abbey and Once Upon A Time.
My kids and I also tune in faithfully to OVER THE RAINBOW, a reality talent show to find out which young Canadian girl will play Dorothy in the new Wizard of OZ musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. And because it's Canadian none of the judges say anything too harsh. No Simon Cowell's in this crowd ;)

Thinking about: My sister, who is facing some health issues right now. Lucky enough to live close by to help her, even if that means just taking her out to try on lipsticks.

Anticipating: Getting back to WIP that is on the back burning due to major revisions on NIGHT SHIFT.

Wishing: For a white Christmas.

Making me happy: Eating cookie dough with my kids...and having egg nog in my cappuccino in front of the fire.
How about you?

Monday, 22 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 4, Season 2, “The Crocodile”


Or better title, “The Obnoxiously Obvious Red Cap”



This is how the country song starts...
photo credit, fanpop.com

Mr. Gold gives Belle a diamond necklace for their night on the town.

Hmm, I usually get a babysitter.

Grumpy barges into the shop asking for his axe back, throwing out accusations that the store is full of things stolen from people. Mr. Gold sneers, then attacks Grumpy as a glittery Rumpelstiltskin.

Oh, wait...never mind. Belle's dreaming. And since she's in skimpy lingerie, a walk outside in the dark is completely understandable.

She spies on Mr. Gold, experimenting with spun gold, like in a magic way. This makes complete sense because no magic exists in Storybrooke.

A fresh faced Rumpelstiltskin comes home to find his young son, Bellfire all alone. His wife, Mila is at the local tavern being sociable with a group of fellas on leave from the pirate ship. Cruelly, she calls him out in front of the crowd, proclaiming how he didn't go to the ogre wars, forcing her to a life of shame.

Oh, that again.

She's sick of being known as the village coward's wife, and begs him to move away to a new place where they can start over. But he refuses and asks her to stay for Bellfire's sake.

Belle confronts Mr. Gold about his late night basement activities and wants to know the real reason he brought magic to Storybrooke. He evades her question, but she sees through his lies, and tells him he needs courage, not magic.

Rumpelstiltskin is terrified to discover Mila has been kidnapped by the pirates. He manages to hobble onto their ship, but the Captain—make that Mr. Sexy Eyes Captain—declares Mila is now the ship's concubine, and Rumpelstiltskin will have to sword fight for her. Shaking in his raggedy cloak, Rumpelstiltskin chickens out, knows he'd be a kabob before he could say, 'Peter Pan'.


Sheriff who?
photo credit,

David steps in as the new Sheriff. This seems useless, but I'll go with it because Captain Sexy Eyes has filled my heart with sunshine and rainbows. Seriously, this guy has so much swag he makes Jefferson look like wallpaper.

Mr. Gold gets worried when he can't find Belle. He pays a visit to the town florist—aka, Belle's fairytale dad, but he's clueless to here whereabouts as well.

A scruffy stranger, in an obnoxiously obvious red knit cap, visits a glittery Rumpelstiltskin in a shady pub. The stranger knows Rumpelstiltskin is looking for a porthole between magical worlds and tells him he's in possession of a magic bean that can create such a vortex.

In return, the stranger asks for eternal youth, but Rumpelstiltskin tells him only the gold speckled Dark One can have eternal life (well, him and Dick Clark). However, he offers to turn back the clock and make him younger, into a boy again.

*cough* Peter Pan *cough*

Rumpelstiltskin can't believe his luck when Captain Sexy Eyes walks into the tavern.

Hi, Cappy! You totally rock in all that jewelry.

Belle manages to stay hidden in the town's only eating establishment. Red strikes up a conversation with her, but neither talk about the weird fact they're both from an enchanted forest.

Red hooks her up with a place to stay, and a job at the library. Charged to be an independent woman, Belle checks out the boarded up windows of the library.

Psst, there's also a dead dragon in the basement.

The stranger and his sidekick (his red cap) show up and easily kidnap her in broad daylight on main street.

Rumpelstiltskin waits outside the tavern for Captain Sexy Eyes. The pirates back down when they realize he's the Dark One. Rumpelstiltskin asks about Mila, and the captain tells him she's dead. With revenge on his mind, Rumpelstiltskin requests a rematch of their sword fight.

Mr. Gold asks David to help him look for Belle. David should jump at this, since he's always looking for magic, and Mr. Gold happens to be the only person in town (other than the Mayor) who dabbles in hocus pocus.

Captain Sexy Eyes arrives for the sword fight, and we're treated to some bad choreography.

Hey, no one claimed this was The Princess Bride.

Rumpelstiltskin gives a moving victim impact statement about how it ripped his heart out to have his wife stolen. Captain Sexy Eyes is ready to fight to the death, but a voice screams from the shadows begging Rumpelstiltskin to stop. Mila stands defiant, dressed in enough black leather for the next Matrix movie.

The stranger takes Belle to her father. They hug, and then there's this awkward conversation about how she fell in love with the Dark One while she was his prisoner.

Um...time for a history lesson. Back in fairytale land, Belle's dad put her up in a tower when Rumpelstiltskin set her free. Then he had 'Doctors' perform 'tests' to rid her of the evil. Gross. Click here for the details.

Belle is adamant that she'll decide who she wants to kidnap her, thank you very much. Dad gives the stranger the 'secret signal' and Belle is once again kidnapped.

Holy crap! If Emma was in this episode, Belle would already be target practising at the firing range,.

David interviews several people about Belle, but since Mr. Gold has terrorized half of the town, no one is super keen on helping him find his girlfriend. Things get really desperate when Mr. Gold asks David for dating advice.

Rumpelstiltskin discovers Mila ran away with the pirates on purpose and has been the Captain's lover for all these years. She convinces Rumpelstiltskin to spare Captain Sexy Eyes, when she shows him an obnoxiously obvious red cap. The stranger is a prisoner on the pirate ship!!! She offers the magic bean in exchange for their lives.

In order to help find Belle, Red offers David her services as a search and rescue dog (since there's that wolf thing). But the trail only goes so far...right to dad's florist shop.


Red channels her inner Boy George.
photo credit, braodwayworld.com

David, Red and Mr. Gold put the pressure on Belle's dad, and he caves after two questions. He lets it spill that Belle is being sent across the town line.

Drum roll...she'll forget her fairytale identity, and go back to the...um, what the heck was she? Just a girl in a cell?

David sees mine dust on her dad's hands, and they hurry speedy quick to the tunnels, which apparently not only go down into the earth, but also spread out past the town limits.

Dear ABC,

It's so comforting to know you can invent details when you need them.

Mila takes Rumpelstiltskin aboard the pirate ship, and he spares no jibes at her abandoning her own son for this lot of dirty scoundrels. The stranger (sans red cap) is brought up on deck, and forced to hand over the magic bean to Captain Sexy Eyes.

Rumpelstiltskin sarcastically congratulates Mila on finding true love. She asks that he take the magic bean and let them go their separate ways. But part of the fun of being the Dark One is making your cheating ex pay for lying about being dead, and totally backing out on all her parental responsibilities.

*Light bulb* Will Rumpelstiltskin turn Mila into the crocodile?

She's unapologetic and spits out that she was miserable because she never loved him. Rumpelstiltskin pierces her chest and rips out her heart. She collapses into Captain Sexy Eye's arms and dies.

Oh well...

Miserable with grief, Captain Sexy Eyes tells Rumpelstiltskin he may have all the power as the Dark One, but he's still a coward. SNAP!

Rumpelstiltskin spares the Captain's life, but slices off the hand clutching the magic bean. He lets him live so that he will suffer the loss of a loved one...just like he did. Feeling no effects of losing a limp, Captain Sexy Eyes fights back with a bits of the ships rig that happen to be lying around.

Hey! Use the silver hook.

Rumpelstiltskin makes a spectacular escape in a puff of red smoke, leaving Captain Sexy Eyes holding the hook.

Permission to come aboard, Captain?
photo credit, hypable.com

The stranger handcuffs Belle inside a mine cart that will take her under the city limits. All she has is a flashlight that will help her find the key on the bottom of the cart. She screams like I did on Space Mountain. Belle tries to get the key, but she manages to drop it.

Silly girl! Doesn't she know Emma is the only chick in this series that can save herself!

Just when all hope is lost, a mysterious force pulls Belle backward.

Wow, it's like someone is using magic...but that's coo-coo because we all know that no magic exists in Storybrooke (unless there's no other option for the writers).

Belle is in no mood for happy reunions. She tells Mr. Gold he's too cowardly to be honest with her, and her dad is just, well...too creepy with all the locking up business and constant kidnapping.

Belle and Red bond over pancakes and bacon at the pub/diner/laundromat. Belle plans on being the new waitress. Red hands her a box with her name on it...it's a key!

Belle happily runs over and opens the library. Mr. Gold is waiting, prepared with quotes about libraries and books and stuff. He admits he's a coward, and has been collecting power as a way to compensate.

When little Bellfire was sucked away to another world, Rumpelstiltskin dedicated himself to finding him. He discovered there was a curse that would take him to that VERY place, and he used the Evil Queen's jealousy to make it happen.

*cough* Guy in useless prologue in first episode *cough*

Mr. Gold confesses magic is a crutch for him, and he can never leave Storybrooke, even if it means never finding his son.

Maybe he should have a pigeon send postcard.

Belle realizes that if Mr. Gold leaves Storybrooke, he'll forget about Bellfire and will never find him. He confesses that he's been trying to break the curse by experimenting with magic in the basement...plus making gold, because it's trading so hot right now.

He leaves her broken hearted, but this is moot because he hasn't even walked three feet before Belle asks him out for a hamburger.

Rumpelstiltskin sits at a table with the Captain's severed hand. He slowly unfolds the fingers, but guess what? The magic bean isn't there!

The pirates are all sad because Mila is now fish food. Captain Sexy Eyes gives the stranger a choice; he can jump over board or swab the deck. He's charted a new course for a land where none of them grow old and he can plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin.

The stranger gets his red cap back, and he's none other than...Peter Pan. No, I'm wrong, he's Bill Smead.

Huh, I'm so rusty tonight.


NOT Dopey, or Peter Pan.
photo credit, fanpop.com


Captain Sexy Eyes throws the bean into the ocean and they sail into the whirlpool vortex of fun.

Mr. Gold enters his basement where he's keeping Bill Smead tied up. Since he left his red cap at the mines, Mr. Gold knew exactly who was behind Belle's kidnapping—this also let Dopey off the hook because his cap is purple.

Mr. Gold grills him about Captain Sexy Eyes, but like most plot holes in this story, for some reason, he's never made an appearance in Storybrooke.

On a beach, Captain Sexy Eyes...er Hook, talks with Cora. She shows him her beaker full of magical pink ash from the wardrobe fire. They discuss their plan to travel to Storybrooke so she can visit Regina and he can skin a crocodile.

Oh! Now I get it, Rumpelstiltskin was the crocodile.


Predictions for the next episode.

Emma and Mary Margaret realize they're able to get themselves out of dangerous situations without a guy showing up.

Belle gets a paper cut cataloguing overdue items and goes into a coma from blood poisoning.

Dopey and Bill Smead trade hats to confuse everyone, and end up getting head lice.


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Thursday, 18 October 2012

CURSED

Wattpad is an on line site where writers of all abilities and genres can post their stuff for FREE. If you haven't check it out yet, you should. They're holding their annual contest and the competition is reaching a frenzy! Every read counts!

Here's a peek at my entry for Best Short Story, CURSED.


A vengeful dragon, a cursed Prince, and a lovesick scullery maid that will risk everything...







Chapter One

Tess crouches on the riverbank, the icy water numbs her fingers, but she continues to scrub, certain she can still smell the hag's blood on her skin.

A crow calls out a warning from the grey sky above. Tess slips her rucksack over her shoulders, then runs up the tree covered slope, grabbing her clothes, hanging from a nearby branch. She scrambles to the summit and finds a rocky mound to hide behind. Goosebumps pepper her bare skin as she steps into her tunic, it's edges frayed and rough.

Wings flap close to her head. “My lady, make haste—oh! Beg pardon!”

Tess pulls her arms through the scratchy fabric and says, “Not worth fretting about, Sebastian.” She fastens the buckle of her cloak, then pulls the hood over her wet and tangled hair. “I'm only a kitchen girl, after all.”

The crow hops down from the rock, and tilts it's head, staring at her with it's black beady eyes. “A kitchen girl who just defeated the Witch of Wenlock,” he says.

She smiles at the admiration in his voice, then says, “Because you told me the soft spot behind her ear was the only place my dagger would penetrate.” She sighs heavily, a few months ago she only handled cast iron frying pans.

He turns a leaf over with his beak, a bug is caught and swallowed in one swift manoeuvre. He flies up and lands on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck, “It is my duty to protect the soul who has saved my life.”

“Chucking a rolling pin at feral cat is hardly heroics. If there's any debt in this relationship, it's on my side.” Tess strokes the soft feathers under his chin, “You're leading me to my true love.”

“So you tell me every day.” He stiffens, then scans the horizon. “Perhaps a chat about love later since we're about to be killed by barbarian dwarfs.”

Want more? Click here and read the rest for FREE.



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Monday, 15 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 3, Season 2, "Lady Of The Lake"



Or better title, “How To Abandon Your Kid...In Style”



This is how the horror movie starts...
photo credit, popcitylife.com


Snow White and Prince Charming lean over a crude map, discussing the latest tactics in their war against the Evil Queen. Red arrives and tells them of an approaching beast called the 'Leviathan'— the Dementor knock off from several episodes ago.

The rebels spread out to find the Leviathan. Prince Charming and Snow White split up and plan to meet in two days time at his Mother's cottage.

Psst...this will be Snow White's first time meeting her future mother-in-law—loosely based on the movie Cabin In The Woods.

In two seconds Snow White manages to get kidnapped by Sir Lancelot.

Emma and Cora have a heart to heart in the dungeon, discussing how much they miss their families. Soon, Mary Margaret wakes and recognizes Cora as Regina's evil Mom.

Henry tells David (aka Grandpa) about operation Cobra, hoping they can use magic from Jefferson's hat to enter fairy tale land and save Emma and Mary Margaret. David looks all sad and confides that Jefferson is useless due to the fact that he's loony and his hat is no longer magic.

Henry is convinced the magic only needs to be restored but David reminds him that magic comes with a price. For his own safety he should go to school and leave all the hard stuff to Grandpa to fix. Henry agrees but skips school anyway.

Mary Margaret gives Emma the heads up that in fairy tale land being a Sheriff with a gun isn't such a big deal. They're taken to be questioned by one of the camp leaders.

It's Lancelot and he knows Snow White! He rushes over and greets Mary Margaret warmly; the short hair hasn't fooled him (like it has everyone else). This is super lucky because if you're cool with Lancelot, then the whole camp thinks you're totally rad.

Lancelot and Mulan secretly make fun of stupid Princesses
photo credit, fanpop.com

However, Sleeping Beauty watches with disgust. She views Mary Margaret as the reason her lover's soul is now permanently trapped inside the Leviathan's medallion...or something like that, click here. Mulan chastises her and says it's dangerous to confuse vengeance with justice—especially if you have a lisp and can't spell correctly.

Lancelot tells Mary Margaret that their island is the only safe place in fairy tale land since the ogres have taken over the enchanted forest.

Does anyone else notice the silver key around Mary Margaret's neck? Sorry, moving on...

Mary Margaret pleads with Lancelot and explains they need to reach another porthole. Lancelot orders Mulan to be their protector, causing Emma to role her eyes and say, “OMG, Mom! I own a frickin' gun!”

Lancelot takes Snow White to Prince Charming's old castle for a little drinky poo and chit chat with The King (aka Charming Senior). Except he's not actually his dad because he bought the twins from Rumpelstiltskin, who in turn got them from a woman who lived in the woods...never mind click here for all the details.

The King has a huge royal chip on his shoulder, and has somehow deduced that since his first son died,
Prince Charming must be made to suffer a loss as well.

Dear ABC,

This logic makes my head hurt.

Snow White looks at her cup fearing she's been poisoned. But Charming Senior is more sinister than that and he drops the bomb that she's been cursed, and therefore unable to give Prince Charming any heirs.

Henry finds Jefferson sitting alone on a bench clutching a missing person's poster from his daughter, Grace.

*waves* Hi, Jefferson! Love the scarf.

He's wrought with guilt at leaving her with the neighbors, while he helped the Evil Queen journey to the land of hearts where she retrieved her father's heart and tricked him into staying trapped...oh never mind, click here for the details.

Looking good, Jefferson...looking good.
photo credit, fanpop.com

All hope is lost because there's no magic to fix the hat. Jefferson mumbles at Henry to ask his mother about her vault. Then he runs away—like he always does.

The Mayor is packing up her office...and she's wearing a blue shirt! Color? Could this be the start of a nicer Mayor?

Let's hope not.

Henry calls and invites her to lunch. The Mayor is super excited and rushes out to meet him at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat. But as soon as she's out the door, he sneaks in and steals her ring of skeleton keys.

Emma feels useless compared to Mary Margaret's re-emerging battle skills, and Mulan's impressive knowledge about ogres and general enchanted forest trivia.

Lancelot confesses to Snow White that he had no idea the King was going to curse her. Trying to atone for his mistake, he warns her that Prince Charming's mother, Ruth, is about to ambused by the King's Guards.

Quite frankly I can't keep all the evil Kings and Queens straight.

Prince Charming makes it to the cabin first and enjoys his mother's company for ten seconds before the King's Guards arrive in long capes. He still manages to fight off a dozen of these guys with Jackie Chan like choreography. Soon the ground is littered with bodies.

If this were The Hunger Games I would totally bet on him.

But Ruth isn't so lucky, she stumbles from behind a bush, clutching an arrow to her chest.

Dear ABC,

None of the King's Guards carried a bow and arrow.

Sleeping Beauty tries to attack Mary Margaret but she flips her over, and has her pinned faster than Hulk Hogan. Emma fires her pistol in the air to stop the fight. Mary Margaret scolds her silly daughter; apparently ogres have great hearing. An ogre bursts through the tress hungry for some pretty lady kabob. In a scene straight out of Jurassic Park, Emma is forced to freeze while the blind Ogre roars so loud, her golden tresses are blown straight back.

Mary Margaret puts an end to the mucus shower by shooting an arrow into it's eye. She gives Emma a 'next time listen to your mother' kind of look.

Speaking of mothers...where's Cora?

Prince Charming decides the best way to help Ruth is to venture back to the lake where he can get healing waters...click here for all of those details.

Snow White journeys beside Ruth, trying to keep her comfortable. Ruth starts to talk about grandchildren and pulls out a pendant that can supposedly predict the sex of Snow White's child, even before she's pregnant.

This is pretty typical chit chat for a first meeting with your future inlaw.

The pendant is motionless and Snow White cries that she can never have children. But Ruth doesn't even bat an eye! 'Hey, dummy,' she says to Snow White, 'we're on our way to the healing waters, right?'

What can go wrong? Oops, the lake has dried up. I guess when Prince Charming killed the siren that lived there, the water dried up.

Holy crap, I can almost hear Mr. Gold remind us that 'magic always comes with a price'.

Henry enters the vault hidden under the tomb, and uses the skeleton key to open a dusty old chest. Two cobras spring out—these guys look like the ones who bit Snow White's dad.

David suddenly slams the top shut, saving Henry. He convinces him he'll let him help save Emma and Mary Margaret, but they need to do it together. And since David has accomplished nothing so far, he can use all the help he can get.

Lancelot manages to find a snail shell full of water. Ruth tries to convince Snow White to take it, but she refuses.

And honestly, I can't blame her, it would come up every Thanksgiving.

Emma, Mary Margaret, Sleeping Beauty and Mulan enter Hogwarts castle and find Emma's nursery that where she never got to spend any time. Mary Margaret gets all melancholy at missing out on Emma's childhood, but Emma blocks her out, only caring about returning to Henry. They examine the wardrobe that Gepetto made and wonder if it has enought magic to get them back to Storybrooke.

Ruth takes a drink but she doesn't recover. She knows she's dying and wishes she could only live long enough to see Snow White marry her son. Everyone agrees a wedding should take place speedy quick.

Not only does Lancelot have time to erect an arbor and an inpressive wild flower bouquet in the middle of a barren desert, but he also has wine for the marriage cup which both Snow White and Prince Charming drink from.

Lancelot suddenly arrives in the nursery, surprising Mary Margaret. He looks at the wardrobe with fascination. Mary Margaret realizes he knows too much, including Henry's name. She pulls a sword and he melts into Cora.

A battle ensures and Emma sets the wardrobe on fire, preventing Cora from getting to Storybrooke and thereby canceling out any chance this episode had of becoming EPIC.

Snow White and Prince Charming bury Ruth. He tells her his mother wanted to pass on her pendant. Snow White starts to protest but then the necklace starts to move! Prince Charming is so happy, he's inspired to get all the rebels together and take back the kingdom from the Evil Queen..."in style".

Snow White confronts Lancelot with her suspitions. He confides that Ruth insist he put the magic water into the marriage cup.

In the middle of the ransacked nursery, Mulan proposses thet form an all girl posse and go after Cora...in style.

Emma sees how much Mary Margaret gave up to save her—just like she gave up her chance to be with Henry by burning the wardrobe. Emma cries real tears.

Humf! She didn't cry when Schmexy died.

Cora waits until the posse leaves, then she rematerializes from thin air, and takes a beaker of ash from the wardrobe.

*Insert evil laugh*

Jefferson waits by the school bus and calls out to his daughter. Instead of throwing apples and being angry with him, Grace runs into his arms.

Hi Jefferson! You can totally pull off eyeliner!

photo credit, ksitetv.com
Henry watches the reunion from Emma's yellow bug feeling a little jealous. But David shows up with wooden swords and tells him it's time for his Princely fighting lessons to start.

But Henry isn't the only one hiding in cars and spying on families, from across the street, the baby buying, Princess kidnapping, cursed potion giver—Charming Senior watches...in style.

Predictions for next week...

1. Sleeping Beauty finally gets a real name.

2. David gets a splinter from the wooden sword and spends the whole episode looking for tweezers.

3. The Mayor gets cray and adds a teal blazer to her wardrobe.

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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Scary Books For Stormy Nights


I usually enjoy a good bump in the night...er, I mean scare. This time of year as the evenings get cooler and Halloween decorations appear around the neighborhood, a suspenseful thriller is the perfect companion for my bedtime cup of tea...okay whiskey.

For nights when the wind whistles under the eaves and the shadows of the bare trees look like witch fingers reaching for the window, may I suggest a few reads that will get you in the mood...er, for reading a scary book.

(Don't miss the trailer I made at the very bottom!)

The Spiral Staircase by Ethel Lina White

Hitchcock brought it to television and Dorothy McGuire starred in the movie. If that doesn't impress you, nothing will.

This is a classic slow building suspense novel complete with an isolated mansion and a stormy night. At it's heart is a poor servant girl trapped in a house with old family secrets while a killer prowls outside looking for an unlocked door.


photo credit, mysterytarget.com



The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

Stephen King admits it's one of his favorite horror stories. Enough said.

Here's a tip, read the book first THEN watch the movie—the original black and white, forget about the Catherine Zeta Jones version.

photo credit, connorcoyne.com

Pet Semetary by Stephen King

How can I pick just one Stephen King title? It's tough but this book explores the power of grief and how it can make people act in a way that others would consider insane.

I read this over twenty years ago, but the last line has stayed with me all this time, and still gives me goosebumps.

"Darling," it said. 
photo credit, en.wikipedia.com


Ghost Story by Peter Straub

There's nothing better than a group of old guys in tuxedos reminiscing about one summer fifty years ago when they were all in love with the same woman.

You think you know what's going to happen, but you're wrong. You think you know who is to blame, but you're wrong. You think you'll be able to sleep after reading this, but you're wrong.

Holy graveyard spookfest! Keep the lights on.


photo credit, womansday.com


Stranger With My Face by Lois Duncan

This is the cover that caught my teenage eye in the Chester Book Mobile (ahem...many years ago) and introduced me to the awesome Lois Duncan.

It's light on the gore by contemporary standards, however this suspense filled, paranormal teen drama has all the voice and angst of today's younger generation with clever dialogue and pitch perfect emotions.

A horror story that's full of clever twists with a heroine you'll be cheering for until the heart stopping finale.

photo credit, jezabel.com




The Woman In White by Wilkie Collins

One of the best openings you'll read. A working class man falls in love with a gentleman's daughter, only to find she has a mysterious connection to a local family tragedy. A must for any mystery lover!



photo credit, broadviewpress.com



Check out the quick video I made for YouTube!





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What are some of your favorite spooky reads?




 

Monday, 8 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 2, Season 2 “We Are Both”


Or better title, “That Was Easy”



Peer pressure.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Grumpy and the dwarfs decide to test the town limits by using the scientific method—they draw straws and Sneezy is the poor schmuck. After an impatient Grumpy pushes him over the line, he starts to quiver and emit bolts of lightening.

I'm guessing this isn't good since the music gets spooky.

Storybrooke is in chaos; the Dementor black demon from last episode has destroyed most of the town, and lost fairy tale characters are looking for loved ones...like Gheppetto!

In his small boarding room, a wooden August Wayne Booth suddenly opens his eyes.

This creeps me out like that Twilight Zone episode, Talky Tina, when the doll speaks on it's own.

*Chills*

David pays a visit to the Mayor demanding to know why she no longer has magic to help him get to fairytale land to find Emma and Mary Margaret. Shockingly, she has no real answer for him...or us.

Dear ABC,

Okay, whatever. I will forgive all of the plot inconsistencies as long as you bring the Sheriff back.

In fairytale land, Regina races through the forest on horseback, but Cora, her evil mother, (aka Barbara Hershey, aka Queen of Hearts), casts a binding spell, making sure she stays, and goes through with her upcoming marriage to the King, Show White's father.

The Blue Fairy without her cross.
photo credit, ctv.ca
David needs magic to find Emma and Mary Margaret, and since the Mayor has no answers, he goes to the Blue Fairy—barely recognizable in her Nun attire.

I'm guessing the fairy costume will be the more popular pick this Halloween.

Dear ABC,

What about Nova who was all sweet over Grumpy? 

The Blue Fairy announces that without fairy dust there's nothing she can do to help David. Grumpy arrives with Sneezy who is adamant that he's the town pharmacist. Henry and David exchange worried looks. Apparently, once you cross the town border, your cursed identity becomes your permanent identity.

Regina spends some time with little Snow White, but her anger toward the child is so strong, she fears she's becoming as evil as her mother. When she confides to her father, Henry, he tells her Cora wasn't always a power hungry, evil spell caster. One day she met a man who gave her a book of spells...and she wasn't the same after that.

Ten points if you can guess his name. I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Bumblestitskin.

The Mayor knows she needs magic to get Henry back. She visits Mr. Gold's shop demanding her mother's old magic book. He laughs and points to the door, but she hints she knows he has something big planned for Storybrooke. And it's this vague notion that's enough to force him to give her the book.

Really? That was easy.

Regina steals her mother's magic book and summons Rumpelstiltskin. He not surprised to see her and confides he's known her family for a long time.

David is feeling the pressure of being the town's leader—plus there's the small problem of his wife and daughter being sucked into a different dimension. Henry suggests he find Jefferson since he can work the hat that is the portal to fairytale land.

Geez, that Henry has all the answers. It's like the writers are telling him exactly what to say.

Instead of actually walking around town LOOKING for Jefferson, David visits Mr. Gold's shop so he can conjure a spell that will lead him to Jefferson.

*cough* lazy *cough*

In exchange for the potion, David promises to stay out of Mr. Gold's schemes.

Why would you promise him that?! What if his scheme is to keep Emma and Mary Margaret in fairytale land forever?

Mr. Gold gives David a tiny flask, and a cool smile, but when he learns memories are wiped clean once you cross the town limits, he's so happy, he smashes all the glass cabinets. NOT.

Rumpelstiltskin explains to Regina that she comes from a long line of powerful magic, but she's hesitant to believe him. In order to convince her, he congers an early wedding present—a mirror that is a portal to another world.

The Mayor opens the magic book; it has a heart on the front (obvious clue). She leans forward and breathes in it's magic.

That was easy

David uses the potion on Jefferson's hat and it leads him to an overturned car where he's been conveniently trapped while everyone else has been dealing with the whole magic-has-come-to-town-and-I'm-actually-a-fairytale-character thing.

The Mayor takes her newly minted magic self and busts up a meeting at the town hall. She starts throwing fireballs around, until Henry puts a stop to the crazy pyrotechnic show, saying he'll go back with her. While everyone watches, they leave together.

That was easy.

Jefferson tells David his magic hat is no longer magic and therefore useless. David gets all tough and threatens him with a knuckle sandwich, but Jefferson says they're both doomed to remember one life and forced to live another; then he laughs and runs away like the manic he is.



The Jeffster.
photo credit, tumblr.com

Sheriff Swag
photo credit, tumblr.com




















Dear ABC,

Please give Jefferson more air time. Also, I would appreciate it if the Sheriff could now play Rumpelstiltskin.

Henry confronts the Mayor about her overbearing tendency to keep him prisoner. She tries to bribe him with magic, promising to teach him everything she knows...like making huge cupcakes appear out of thin air.

Sign me up!

Regina stands in her wedding gown, looking miserable as Cora lectures her on how to be the best dictator for the kingdom. Regina is disgusted with the unfathomable depths to her mother's evil and pushes her through the mirror, sending her to a different land.

Where? I'm guessing it's where the Queen of Hearts lives with Jefferson's severed head working on hats in her dungeon.

David prevents a parade of disgruntled characters lined up at the town limits, to stay in Storybrooke and to embrace both their identities. They nod and pledge to create a town where everyone is free to be two people...or something like that.

Regina gives Rumpelstiltskin back the book of magic. He entices her with all the amazing things she can do with spells. She agrees to let him tutor her as long as he promises she won't become like Cora.

That was easy.

David arrives at the Mayor's house with his sword ready to rescue Henry; don't forget he's embracing his real identity of a shepherd who is pretending to be a Prince. She breaks down and realizes she can't force him to love her, she tells Henry to go with David.

That was easy.

Dear ABC,

If the Mayor has her magic back and is trying to redeem herself, why doesn't she help David find a way back to fairytale land? I mean Henry would like that, right?

Meanwhile, all kinds of other stuff is happening:

The dwarfs buy some pick axes and decide to mine for fairy dust to help Sneezy get his memory back.

Mr. Gold stands at the town limit, while spooky music plays in the background.

The Mayor doesn't burn the heart covered magic book, but instead locks it up in case she decides to be evil again.

Ghepetto goes to August's boarding room, but the bed is empty.


A camp of renegade fairy tale characters!
photo credit, wetpaint.com
 
Mary Margaret and Emma are Mulan's prisoners. When they arrive at camp, the girls try to escape. As punishment, Mulan sends them to 'the pit'. Emma weeps over Mary Margaret's unconscious body. Out of the shadows another prisoner walks forward, a woman and it's....Cora.

 
Predictions for the next episode:

A new hot guy will be introduced only to be killed off or made to disappear for the next five episodes.

The Mayor will wear something black and cast a few spells.

Belle will get a job at Granny's diner/pub/laundromat, then she'll remember she's supposed to be changing Mr. Gold into a kind man, and rushes off to the pawn shop.

What do you think Cora will do once Mary Margaret wakes up and sees her Granny-in-law?

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