Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Bad Writing Advice From Non-Writers

If you do something well, it looks effortless to others.

Juggling is a perfect example. However, most non-jugglers don't offer advice to someone, who say, is struggling with a new move or having difficulty earning a living at juggling.

Not writers, though. Holy Hannah!

All you have to do is mention that you're 1 (querying for an agent) 2 (trying to finish a book) or 3 (looking for a new way to promote your book to improve sales) and the knowledge that spouts forth from the milkman to the barista will knock you off your feet.

And what do I do with this advice?

I usually smile and say, "Good idea. I'll think about that." Because where on earth do you start to explain why their advice is so asinine?

Here are a few pearls of wisdom I've heard from non-writers...

1. "Why don't you write a screenplay instead?"

2. "Don't lose faith, JK Rowling had twelve rejections before she was published."

3. "Erotica is hot now. Write that instead."

4. "Put a vampire in it."

5. "Send a copy to Ellen, maybe she'll invite you on the show."

6. "Open your own publishing company then you can publish all your own books."

7. "Can't you buy an agent?"

8. "It can't be that hard. My sister-in-law wrote a book and sold it to Harlequin. She paid off her house in the first six months...and my sister-in-law isn't that smart."

9. "Books aren't really selling these days. Why don't you send in some funny jokes for Reader's Digest?"

10. "People are hooked on Netflix. Write something kind of like Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead."

Any of these sound familiar? Do you have any to share?

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Once Upon A Time, Season 5, The Best and Worst Moments...

Man, what a season!

We started with Emma turning into the Dark One as she got sucked into Camelot. Then the season ended with Emma escaping the Underworld and Regina splicing herself into good and evil.

But so much more happened, didn't it? Don't even try to explain the plot in a linear fashion because the storyline is like wet noodles all tangled up. Instead, let's entertain ourselves with memories of characters who change motivations on a dime to create the wackiness that we've come to love and hate from this show.

Top 5 Best Moments of Once Upon A Time Season 5

#5. From episode 15, when Mr. Gold straight up tells Belle she'll have to take the good and the evil because he's the man and the beast and that's why he's totes awesome. When Gaston confronts him on the street and tries to kill him, Mr. Gold catches the arrow, cool and easy, like the King of swag that he is.

#4. When Emma stabbed Hook in Episode 11, sending him to the Underworld. Yes, I was all for that. He wanted her to do that but let's not forget that he's the one who gathered all the Dark Ones to send her entire family to Hell. 

#3. In the season premiere episode, while Hook tries to blackmail Zelena into helping him save Emma, she cuts off her own hand, removes her magic blocking bracelet and escapes. That chick is awesome.

#2. In Episode 13 when teenage Snow White got to make out with Hercules!!!

#1. Although it had no significant impact on the major plot, this moment from episode 18 was a ground breaker. In order to wake Dorothy from the sleeping curse, Ruby had to realize that she was in love with her, and not just in a best friend's kind of way. Go ABC!!!! Poor Mulan though, alone again.


In episode 19, When Regina and Zelena forgave each other and their mother and sent her off to ascend to heaven.

And you can't have a best moments list without a worst moments list...

Top 5 Worst Moments of Once Upon A Time Season 5

#5. From episode 10, this dreamcatcher mind suck so everyone could get their memories back. Man, it still makes me laugh.

#4. During episode 9 when we were subjected to Merinda's family and those ridiculous wigs.

#3. This truck versus horse jousting scene from Episode 3 that should have resulted in Arthurs' death. More ridiculous than the wigs above.

#2. A ten minute bike ride between Zelena and Hades from Episode 16 results in true love.

#1. From Episode 20, when Emma performed a heart transplant on Hook so he could leave the Underworld, except it didn't work because she forgot he's a ghost while his real body is decaying back in Storybrooke cemetary. Then he got all emo and sulked about how she never should have come to rescue him. Grow up, dude.


In episode 15 When Hook's brother ascended to heaven with the boat load of all the guys he killed. Yeah, #awkward.

What are some of your favourite and  not so favourite bits from this season?

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