Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 17 "Her Handsome Hero"

Or better title "Baby Boom"

Emma, Hook and Snow White are in the graveyard trying to outrun a sudden tornado. Hook leads them to a monument that can only shelter than on one side.

Anyway, something comes out of the storm and attacks Snow White.

Boom!

Never mind, Emma was only dreaming.

Not wanting to fall asleep again, she and Hook visit the library where Regina has been busy marking up the elevator door to Hades' lair with ancient runes all over a door so Emma could magically spell it open. Sounds like a plan until they discover a wall of brick behind the door.

Man, too bad their magic is only good for elevator doors and healing horses.

Flashback to the enchanted forest and we learn Belle's father has arranged for a hot young Prince to marry Belle so they can merge their kingdoms against the ogres who are apparently waging a war...all the time.

Belle's like, "I don't think so. I want a dude who will treat me with kindness and respect not some hot shot lady killer who likes to decorate with antlers."

But this is irrelevant because when the handsome Gaston arrives, she's all, "Cool. Let's take a walk in the woods."

The hike soon turns into a date with Gaston being all smooth and complimentary. Belle talks about books and then they discover a baby ogre has fallen down a hole!!

Even though ogres are murders and pose a direct threat to Belle and her kingdom she decides it would be a good idea to find out what his intensions are before letting Gaston kill him.

Back in hell town, Belle finds Mr. Gold and they have the same argument again.

Belle: "You need to change. I know you're a good man. I won't stay with you or let you be this baby's father until you change."

Mr. Gold: "I'm the beast. I'll always be the beast. You love the beast. I won't change."

Belle: "Well...fix this agreement with Hades first, but don't use dark magic...then we'll talk again."

They take a walk down Main Street where Gaston tries to shot Mr. Gold with an enchanted arrow from Hades.

Pfft! Mr. Gold catches the arrow like the awesome piece of superiority.

Belle says, "Gaston, how did you die?"

"The Dark One turned me into a rose."

Then Mr. Gold whisks himself and Belle away to the docks. He explains the water in the harbor is full of ghosts or something and one touch and you'll be stuck in hell forever...I think. Belle is inspired and decides they must help Gaston move on and then defeat Hades together and get the hell out of hell.

Across town, Regina and Zelena settle in for some sister to sister chat. Zelena reveals her history with Hades and that he still wants to take her to prom. But she's all, "Ugh, what does it matter? No one will ever really love me."

This show y'all! God forbid any woman in Storybrooke have any self respect when it comes to romance.

Thinking this will help him move on, Belle and Mr. Gold break into Gaston's locker at the pet shelter.

Why are there pets in hell?

But Belle finds one of her favourite books and she concludes that Gaston is still in love with her. Mr. Gold rolls his eyes and leaves.

Hades then appears and reminds Belle that he owns her baby. But he offers her a deal: get Mr. Gold and Gaston to duel at the docks and if one of them is tossed over she gets to keep her baby.

Belle refuses.

Why?

Because she has a better plan to dupe Gaston. Not really, she tried to fool him with a dummy Mr. Gold, and oh my gosh, folks, so bad...so bad. When Gaston learns Belle is actually married to the guy who turned him into a rose he's all, "You sick chick!"

We flashback to the baby ogre stuck in the hole. Belle brings a mirror that has the power to show true intensions to help her see into the baby ogres soul or something. Gaston is upset and fires an arrow, but not before Belle sees Gaston's eyes glow red in the mirror's reflection. She lets the baby ogre get away, which Gaston had tortured a bit in her absence.

Note: I'm sure the ogre that broke into their castle and killed her mother was in no way related to this event.

Belle finds Mr. Gold and tells him Gaston is really upset now that he knows they're married. Literally two seconds later, Mr. Gold is doing the hovering choke hold to Gaston over the harbor. Belle stops Mr. Gold, but then she and Gaston fight and she manages to push him off the dock.

Oops.

Hades shows up and lets them know that doesn't count because it was supposed to be Gaston and Mr. Gold dueling NOT Belle.

Hades sees a wilted daisy and is quite happy because now he has a gift to show Zelena his affections.

Plus, Emma's dream came true, but when Snow White was attacked the wolf turned out to be RUBY!!!

Yeah! Finally, someone who can stir up these losers.

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 5 "Family Business"

 

Or better title, "Elsa Needs A New Dress"

Darn the green background!
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During a flashback we see Belle and her mother hiding from an Ogre as it storms the castle. by the way, it's time ABC amp up the special effects budget. The sets are so fake it's ridic. When Belle wakes the next day, she has no memory of her mother's death.

Emma plays the video showing the Snow Queen as her guardian during her foster years. Regina mentions it might be a good idea to search for her. Everyone one is like, "Yeah, let's get this party started." Henry suggests they should search her ice cream truck.

I suggest they search the forest because that's where everyone hides.

Young Belle is determined to regain her memories to learn how exactly her mother died.

I'm guessing the ogre ate her.

Anyway, through the miracle of reading, Belle uncovers a map to a magical place where creatures can help unlock memories. And that place? Arendale...aka the enchanted forest.

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Elsa reunites with Anna in their castle. Anna lies and says she didn't find out why their parents went away. The Snow Queen arrives and introduces herself as her long lost aunt, plus she has that icicle power thing. Elsa is excited because she's finally learning to control her icy powers. Anna isn't so sure.

Belle and Elsa go to Storybrooke's library to find answers! Elsa asks about Arendale and Belle flat out lies she never heard of it.

Holy sparkling snowflakes! Elsa needs a new outfit. Seriously, I saw kids trick or treating with the same damn dress.

Anna is wary of her aunt so she decides to travel to the rock trolls for answers.

Regina and everyone else who considers themselves the police, ambush the ice cream truck that's been parked in the middle of the forest. Inside, Emma finds newspaper clippings about her past.

Scandalous!

Elsa breaks down in the library. She has no memories of how she got to Storybrooke, she doesn't think she'll ever find Anna again, and she's still wearing the same dress from the first episode. Belle can't take seeing her pathetic display and runs away promising to find a way to Anna.



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Young Belle arrives at a secluded supply shop looking for the rock trolls, she bumps into Anna who offers to show her the way.

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Since there's no one to fire an arrow at, Robin uses the down time around the abandoned ice cream truck to let Regina know he's still hot for her. She says her magic is useless against the ice spell the Snow Queen put on Marion. So if Robin wants to save his wife he has to stop loving Regina and muster up his best true loves kiss to break the spell and wake his wife.

Storybrooke romances are so darn complicated. Remember when David was so excited to tell Mary Margaret that his wife wasn't pregnant? 

Mr. Gold chats with the Snow Queen in a clearing in the forest glade. He warns her Emma is closing in on her secret. She calls his bluff and says Emma is finding out everything she needs to know.

This is a pointless conversation that just wasted a few minutes of my life.

Anna and Belle journey through the woods and talk about how they both lost their mothers. Belle says she's looking for answers to find peace. Anna has a stumble and the golden box falls out of her satchel. She tells Belle it contains a powerful hat that absorbs the most powerful magic...she stole it from some golden dude with a bad perm.

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Mr. Gold comes back from his useless conversation to find Belle ready to go on a field trip in search of the Snow Queen. She tells him she has to fix a mistake she made long ago. She wipes out the fake dagger and commands Mr. Gold to take her to the Snow Queen.

Hmm...how's he going to play this?

Emma goes through the news clippings baffled that she doesn't remember having the Snow Queen as a step mother for six months. Hook pulls out a scroll full of hieroglyphs. Emma asks, "What the hell was she doing with me?"

Mr. Gold leads Belle to the Snow Queen's cave. She confesses she knows of a hat that has the power to absorb magic and she's convinced the Snow Queen must have it.

And she knows this how?    

Anna and Belle reach the Troll King. He gives Belle a magic herb and tells her to make tea at the spot where she last saw her mother and the memories will return. He also tells Anna that her mother did indeed have a sister, two in fact—who both mysteriously disappeared one day. Anna is more confused and mistrustful of her aunt.

Belle enters the ice cave and is drawn to the magic mirror.

On the trip back to the castle Anna and Belle are trapped on the mountain ledge by a sudden storm.

Actually it's perfectly sunny, but I guess they spent too much on the special effects budget.

Anna slips over the side while the magical tea tumbles from Belle's grasp. Instead of going to Anna's rescue Belle reaches for the tea, but it falls. And then Anna falls! She lies unmoving, far below. The gold box has come out of her satchel.



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Oops.

The Snow Queen arrives and scoops up the golden box.

Double oops.

Back in the ice cave, the mirror is a sounding board that echoes Belle's worst paranoia. Besides telling her she's a slime ball for choosing the tea over Anna, it also mentions the fake dagger. Mr. Gold arrives and magically whisks her back to the pawn shop. The cry and hug and blah, blah, blah...she's still too stupid to see that the dagger is fake.

Young Belle returns home and faces her worried father. She tells him the trip was a huge mistake. He looks sheepish and finally tells her he knew all along how her mother died. When the Ogre attacked, Belle's mother distracted it long enough for the guards to rescue Belle, but when they returned the mother was already dead.

What? The King only had like two guards or something? Why didn't the guards fight the Ogre?

Her father says the ogres are winning the war and they'll soon be made into soup. Belle comes up with the fantastic idea that they should summon this wizard she heard of in Arendale to help them fight back...Rumpelstiltskin.

 

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Mr. Gold pays the Snow Queen a visit inside her snow cave. She's all confident until he whips out the magic hat. Again, she talks about her secret mission. And again, I've lost another minute of my life.

Anna wakes up in a dungeon. The Snow Queen has the golden box and says she'll tell Elsa how Anna was going to strip their magic away. Anna asks what happened to the missing sister, but the Snow Queen answers ambiguously about finally getting a family to embrace her.

Um...yeah, we learned this last episode.  

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Elsa rushes to the Sheriff's office and shows Emma a book she just happened to find in the library that shows her royal family tree...with pictures!

What?

Elsa then points out Ingrid is the Snow Queen's real name, and the missing sister is Helga. And Helga looks a whole lot like Emma. Hook is struggling to come up with a dumb blonde joke when Elsa sees the scroll lying inconspicuously on the desk. Elsa is amazed the scroll is written in her own language...or something like that. She reads the prophecy out loud about Emma being a savior and from this Elsa deducts that Ingrid believes that Emma is the reincarnated version of her missing sister!

What? *head hits keyboard*

Belle arrives out of breath and confesses to Elsa that she knew Anna. She was hoping to steal a weapon from the Snow Queen's cave but, yeah...it didn't go so well. And plus, there's this scary mirror made of black magic that has the power to turn everyone in Storybrooke against each other.

Hook declares the town will destroy itself. Emma and Elsa turn to each other and say, "Except us. Ingrid wants us to be one happy family."

I miss the good old days when David was still in a coma and Ruby and Granny shouted at each other in the parking lot. What do you miss? 

Check out my other Once Upon A Time recaps here!