Showing posts with label Rumpelstilskin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rumpelstilskin. Show all posts

Monday, 10 November 2014

Once Upon A Time, Season 4, Episode 6 "The Snow Queen"

 

Or better title "Family Feud"



We're princesses! Let's play with this broken kite!
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Through the miracle of flashbacks, we learn that Ingrid and her two little sisters, Gerta and Helga were almost kidnapped by a kite flying predator, but Ingrid uses her icy powers to stop the abduction. A frozen tree branch falls on the creep and kills him.

Dead predator.
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Gerta and Helga manage to recover quickly from witnessing their sister kill a dude with icicles and while his body lays five feet away, they promise each other to always stay true and keep Ingrid's secret. They use the ribbon from the kite to make bracelets for all three of them.

Let's decorate ourselves with evidence from the felon we killed!

No longer interested in blending in the Snow Queen roams the streets of Storybrooke in her Kardashian inspired maximum cleavage wedding gown. She goes to the clock tower and produces another magic mirror.

Regina pours over magical text books about reanimating your boyfriend's wife, but she's interrupted by Robin and his words of luv. "I don't know what to do!" he says.

Maybe stop dropping in on your ex-girlfriend?

Emma and Elsa study a book with elfish writing and they discover a spell with a candle and something else, but I'm distracted by Elsa's blue dress.

You know, the dress she's been wearing for every episode.

But Emma's magic isn't strong enough. She leaves Elsa and finds Mary Margaret and baby Neal at a sing song with other fairy tale characters and their babies (including Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty).

Keep that freaking magic away from my baby!
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Emma gets a little jealous because she never had this fun stuff with her mother since she was the savior and all that. Mary Margaret gets a little freaked out when Emma makes the baby bottle start to boil. But before she can say, "This episode will be about family treating you differently when you can't control your magical powers," David comes on the walkie talkie to tell Emma the Snow Queen is in the clock tower.

Emma and Elsa arrive at the clock tower with the magic candle. This time Emma makes no mistake and is able to light the thing. A pair of firey handcuffs keep the Snow Queen from fighting back.

Oh, and Hook is there too. Why?

No really, go without me. I'm totally okay with it.
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Ingrid and her sisters gets ready for a special ball for their father. But Ingrid has spent the last ten years hiding herself and her powers so she doesn't get to dance or have any good fancy times. A Duke from a neighbouring kingdom has eyes for Greta. Soon the oomp pa pa band starts up. Ingrid sneaks in to watch and begins to cry because she is such a freak and all. And every body knows, freaks don't get married to Dukes.

This is about to get Orange is the New Black.
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Emma and Elsa interrogate the Snow Queen, but she refuses to give up any info about Anna. Elsa says, "We know Anna is alive. We heard her heart beat on Bo Peep's crook."

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence.

The Snow Queen mentions Emma's 'super power' as a human lie detector. Then they hit on the 'your family will shun you because of your magic' element for a bit to establish the plot theme for anything who hasn't caught on by now.

Henry gets all fancified in a suit and tie to work at the Pawn Shop with Gramps. Regina holds back her tears about Robin and talks about happy endings and how operation Mongoose is now her new focus.

The Snow Queen lets Emma know that she was protecting her by erasing her memories. then she says, "Elsa and I are your only family because we are the only ones alike."

Um...this is frickin' Once Upon A Time, every one has powers; Tinkerbell, Regina, Mr. Gold, Peter Pan, the Blue Fairy...

Ingrid confesses to her sisters that she is leaving and handing the throne over to Helga. Gerta pipes up and says there is someone, a sorcerror, that maybe able to help them, Rumpelstiltskin.

Duh.

Belle arrives at the clock tower and can tell in one glance that the mirror is a fake.

Oh my gosh! The Snow Queen tricked them AGAIN. She wanted to get caught on purpose. Why?

Emma is in danger! When they arrive at the jail, they see the doors frozen shut.

Wil and Robin chew the fat at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat and reminisce about the good ole days as Merry Men in the forest. Robin tries to convince himself that he's still in love with Marion.

Check it out. Our new fall line.
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Ingrid and her sisters visit Rumpelstiltskin to see if he can take away her powers. He tells them their sisterly bond is very strong. He gives her a pair of gloves and a gold vase that will be her failsafe if her magic gets out of control. In return, he takes the ribbons around their wrists, which interestingly enough still fit after ten years.


The Snow Queen works the misunderstood magical person angle with Emma. "You can't love somebody you don't understand." Emma freaks and blows out a wall. The Snow Queen is excited Emma has shown her true power, plus she gets to escape jail.


Thank goodness the yellow bug was there.
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When David and the others arrive to find a hole blown out the side of the Sheriff's office, Emma tells them to run away because she can't trust her powers. David gets hurt and Emma takes this as proof that she is indeed a monster. Mary Margaret feels guilty for not hugging Emma after she blew up the jail.

This is a fake mustache!
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With her fancy gloves, Ingrid is now able to hang out in her royal robes. The Duke (who looks like someone's fourteen year old kid who wandered onto the set) shows up and makes a few passes. Ingrid's gloves drop and she pushes him away with her frozen powers. Helga arrives and tells him to get his creepy arse back to his kingdom. A fight ensues and Ingrid ends up zapping Helga by mistake, turning her into a pile of ice cubes.

Awkward.


Oops.
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Robin finds Regina in her tomb of candles and magic books. He doesn't say much but the meeting ends in a hot kiss.

Whoo-hoo!

Gerta finds Ingrid and her sister, now transparent and melting. Gerta calls her a monster and grabs the failsafe golden urn. It sucks her up lickity split. Gerta takes the gloves and travels to the Troll King and asks him for a mega potion to ensure that every one in the kingdom forgets there were three sisters.
Troll time.
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The Snow Queen arrives at Mr. Gold's pawn shop and asks for her ribbons back. She knows the one last item he needs in order to cleave himself from the dagger to be able to leave Storybrooke and start to rule the world.

And she knows all of this...how?


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Oh, she's owned the magic hat. Simple. And since Mr. Gold will rule the world, she's only asking to rule Storybrooke.

When he agrees, she leans over and whispers the answer to him.

Why? They're alone in the store.

Anyway, he grins so it's either a home perm kit to make him look like Rumpelstiltskin again or Hook's hook.

Check out my other Once Upon A Time recaps here!


Monday, 11 March 2013

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 16, "The Miller's Daughter"


Or Better Title, "It's Miller Time."

The village miller is a layabout who relies heavily on his teenage daughter to run the family business. She's supposed to look poor, but there's about three hundred dollars worth of filler in those lips.

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Anyway, the poor but glamorous miller's daughter delivers flour to the castle where she is tripped by a snotty royal. They all laugh as the King makes her bow and apologize. She tells the King her name is Cora.

Faster than magic, Emma, Baefire, Henry and Mr. Gold have stolen Hook's ship and are sailing from New York back to Storybrooke.

The ridiculousness of this makes me want to drink. "Hey, it's Miller time!" 

Because they've used a phone tap, the Mayor and Cora listen in as David relays the above mentioned gang to Mary Margaret.
 

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As Rumpelstiltskin's name slowly fades from the dagger, Cora realizes that he's dying and if he dies all the power of the Dark One vanishes. She comes up with a plan to stab Mr. Gold so she can be the next Dark One.

The Mayor gets the shivers and brings up the fact Henry may not want to have the Dark One as a grandmother. Finally she asks Cora, “What was is all the point of this?”

I ask myself that every episode. *takes a sip of beer*

Cora vows to never bow down to anyone again.

There is a masked ball at the castle, and young Cora sneaks in. She quickly finds the Prince and charms him with her puffy lips. Before he can fall in love, the King takes her aside and calls her out as the Miller's daughter. He picks a piece of straw from her gown to prove his point.

Everyone knows that straw makes flour. *takes another sip*

She quickly tells him she can spin straw to gold....and well, you know the rest. If she can produce gold after one night while locked in the high tower, the King promises her the Prince's hand in marriage.

David and Mary Margaret meet Mr. Gold and the gang on the docks. She takes the opportunity to let everyone know she plans on killing Cora. David reminds her that she can't commit murder since she has the purest heart.
 
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Cora stands in a room full of straw trying to come up with a plan. A giggle from the corner announces Rumpelstiltskin. She argues with the little flecked dude until he spins her some gold. He tempts her with a contract to hand over her first born child. But Cora senses an opportunity and she asks him to teach her his dark magic instead.

Mr. Gold is back at his shop instructing everyone on how to keep the shop magically protected. Mary Margaret finds the 'death candle' that can save someones life if another dies. He tells her it's for a rainy day. He proposes that she use the candle to save him and kill Cora.

But it's not that easy, she has to say it over Cora's heart (which isn't in her chest but hidden somewhere) and then the heart has to be thrust back into her cavity, so she can slowly die.

Okay. Got that? Me neither. *takes a sip*

Mary Margaret rebuts back that she could take Cora's heart and thereby control her to do good things while she lets Mr. Gold die. He chuckles and says she'd never let Henry's grandfather die.

Why not? David is his other grandfather. *takes a sip*

Gold convinces Emma she has the ability to cast a spell and protect the shop. And yup, just like that she does it.

Back in the tower, Rumpelstiltskin shows young Cora how to spill straw into gold by harnessing all her hatred for the royal family and how they made her bow down. The next morning, the King is amazed by Cora's ability. The Prince proposes and she accepts while Rumpelstiltskin watches from the crowd.
 



Inside Mr. Gold's shop things start to get rocky when Cora and the Mayor stand outside doing their best flame throwing. They burst through the front door, like the evil tag team champs they are. Mary Margaret takes this opportunity to sneak out the back.

A battle of tossing people through the air and purple smoke ensue for a few minutes. David is tossed out of the shop. Emma and Baefire manage to battle them off and put up a barrier. Cora starts to feel weak. She tells the Mayor to get to her vault of hearts speedy quick.

Young Cora is dressed in her wedding finery. Rumpelstiltskin arrives and they kiss (ew) and make a deal. She wants to learn all the dark magic and promises to run away with him and give him his own son.

Mary Margaret finds Cora's heart among dozens of other chests. How does she know it's hers?

Not important. *takes a sip*

She lights the death candle over the heart and...and...whispers, "Cora".

Princess Cora meets with the King who is busy counting all his new gold.

The King was in the parlor counting all his money.

She tells him she doesn't love his son. He says, “Love is weakness. You have a choice. Run off with the dark imp, or stay with my son and wear a crown on your head with the kingdom at your feet.”

Things that make you go, 'hmm?'

Emma and Baefire can see that Mr. Gold is dying. He begs Emma for her cell phone and calls Belle (still in the mental ward) to let her know he's dying. He gushes for awhile about how awesome she is and how she made him a changed man.

The love is all around the room as Mr. Gold apologizes to Baefire and Emma holds back the tears. Finally the dudes hug.

The Mayor catches Mary Margaret with Cora's heart. Mary Margaret offers it to the Mayor saying Cora will love her properly if she has her heart back. “The choice is yours," she tells the Mayor. "You'll have a mother that can love you with her whole heart, or you can have Cora become the Dark One.”

Rumpelstiltskin meets Princess Cora in the moonlight. He senses things have changed. She tells him she didn't rip out the Kings heart and has decided to marry the Prince instead of running away with him.

Instead, she took out her own heart and now carries it around in a box, 'cause that's the way she rolls now.

Rumpelstiltskin is aghast (I love that word).

David finds Mary Margaret outside the tomb with her head in her hands mumbling about how horrible she has become.

Cora finally breaks through the barrier and rushes to the back of Mr. Gold's shop. She whisks Emma and Baefire to the woods and sits with him for a chat about love and ripping out hearts. She looks at him longingly and says, “You're the only man I've only ever truly loved.”

She raises the dagger to stab him, but then crumples to the floor. There is a gasp, then she starts to smile. Laughing, she looks at the Mayor who is blushing in the corner from the surprise heart transplant attack.

Princess Cora presents her baby daughter, Regina to the court and watches with satisfaction as the court bows down. Kind of reminds of The Lion King...
 


Cora collapses into the Mayor's arms and dies. Mary Margaret rushes in with a warning but it's too late. Mr. Gold stands up fully healed, the dagger now emblazoned with his name again. The Mayor does the math and realizes Mary Margaret tricked her.

Cue the revenge music.

Oh, the humanity. *finishes beer*

 

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 14, “Manhattan”

 

Or better title, “Who's Yo Daddy?”


Rumpelstiltskin enters his cottage and gives Mela the good news that he's been called up to fight in the ogre wars. She's afraid because well, duh, it's ogres and everything, but he convinces her his heroism will bring great honor to their little abode.

onceuponatimewikia.com

Emma, Mr. Gold and Henry arrive at Bellfire's apartment in NYC.

The Mayor and Cora have a mother/daughter chat in the bedroom. Hook shows up and the Mayor explains to him (and us) that they can't leave Storybrooke to run down Mr. Gold, but Cora tells them this is the perfect time to use the one thing that he's defenceless against—the dagger.

Emma sees a guy take off out the fire escape. She yells to Mr. Gold and Henry that this MUST be Baelfire.

Of course it is.

Emma switches into Charlie's Angels gear and manages to tackle him after three blocks.

Yes, I totally called it! It's Emma's ugly faced boyfriend.

'Neil' tells Emma that he has never forgiven Mr. Gold for abandoning him.

Emma freaks out since Henry is now officially Rumpelstiltskin's grandson. He denies knowing who she really was when they met, but only found out her true identity after August showed up and opened his wooden box of doom, and showed him one neatly typed line, “I know you are Baelfire.”

I can't believe I've been writing it wrong all this time.

She says, “You gave me up because of Pinochhio”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I said that.

Emma decides to keep Henry's existence a secret. Then for symbolic reasons, she rips off the necklace that was part of the key chain Neil gave her, and tells him it was a reminder to never trust anyone.

But, alas she has to keep her promise to Mr. Gold and deliver Baelfire.

Rumpelstiltskin is asked to guard a prisoner that can help turn the tides of the ogre war.

I hope he doesn't mess this up.

He lifts the flap and sees a child with their eyes sewn shut.

My kids screamed at this scene.
 
 

She begs Rumpelstiltskin for water. He is resistant, but when the little girl tells him Mela is already pregnant, he is intrigued. He gives her water and she tells him his actions on the battlefield will leave his son fatherless.

He gets angry since the whole point of going to war is to prove he isn't a coward, but he didn't sign up to die before his son is even born.

Emma calls Mary Margaret for advice about Baelfire. She tries to convince Emma to tell Henry the truth, but when Emma joins Henry and Mr. Gold, she tells them Baelfire got away.

The Mayor decides to pay Belle a visit in hopes of finding the dagger with his name. She puts Belle to sleep magically and then makes all the contents of her purse whirl through the air.

For the record, Nancy Drew could have done the same thing without magic.

The Mayor finds a slip of paper with a numerical code. With help from Cora and Hook, she searches the library and finds a hand drawn map...a treasure map.
 

Despite Emma's objections, Mr. Gold breaks into Baelfire's apartment.

Rumpelstiltskin learns about the next days battle and the little girl's prophecy is coming true. Convinced he's gong to die the next day and leave his son fatherless, he purposely breaks his foot in order to be deemed unfit to fight.

In Baelfire's apartment Mr. Gold can tell Emma is lying to him. He gets all up in her face for breaking their deal when Baelfire bursts into the room.

Rumpelstiltskin limps home to find Mela holding baby Baelfire. He's overjoyed but she confronts him about hurting himself on purpose, and bringing shame on their family. He asks her what he was supposed to do.

She's disgusted with him and says, “You could have fought. You could have died.”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I said that.
 

 

Baelfire demands Mr. Gold leave his apartment. Mr. Gold picks up on the obvious clue when she calls him 'Neil'. After a lot of shouting, Henry comes out of hiding. Baelfire does the math and asks if Henry is his son.

Emma drops the bomb shell leaving the three fellas gobsmacked.

Greg, the guy who ran Hook over with his car, is allowed to wander the hospital and take videos with his phone. While the Mayor was unnecessarily making Belle's purse hover in the air, he managed to film it and e-mail it to his wife.

 
Cora and the Mayor take give each other high fives after Hook decodes the treasure map. Once they have the dagger, they will control the Dark One, and then he can kill Emma, Mary Margaret, and anyone else they don't like. Henry will go back to live with the Mayor, la dee da, and all will be as it should.

Yup. That's iron clad.

Mr. Gold tells Baelfire that there is no greater pain than regret. He propositions Baelfire to return to Storybrooke where, surprise... there's magic! Then they can start over and forget all that Dark One nonsense.

But Baelfire isn't buying it and he reminds Mr. Gold how he let him get sucked into the vortex instead of giving up magic.

Rumpelstiltskin wanders the forest as the Dark One. He meets up with the seer, who is now a young woman. He blames her for being light on the details about her first prediction. She tells him he will find his son again, but the path won't be an easy one and it will take many years.

He gets tired of her riddles and decides to take away her power of sight so he can 'see' for himself.

Baelfire and Henry bond on the fire escape as Mr. Gold watches, reliving all his mistakes.

Before she dies, the seer tells Rumpelstiltskin that a boy will lead him to his son, but the boy will be his undoing. After hearing that Rumpelstiltskin vows to kill this 'boy'.

Well, that's unlikely now, isn't it.


Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Emma's eye make-up.

Cora's 'modern' look. Seriously, check out the lovely wavy hair.

FINALLY seeing what August was hiding inside the box.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

If Mr. Gold can magically fix Dr. Frankenstein's severed arm, why can't he fix his limp?

How I misspelled Baelfire's name in every previous recap.

How the Sheriff is still missing.

There were no unicorns.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 11 “The Outsider”

Or better title, "Because Of You, I Crossed The Line"

I'm so excited! The Outsiders is one of my favorite books!!! Is Matt Dillon making an appearance?
 

Dallas is coming to Storybrooke!
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A big ole' Pontiac pulls up to Storybrooke's town limits.

We know it's the boundary because the dwarfs spray painted a bright red line....the vandals.
 
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Mr. Gold takes Bill Smead out of the trunk and unties him.

We know it's Bill Smead because he's wearing the obnoxiously, obvious red cap. Bill begs not to be pushed over the line since he'll lose his mind just like the pharmacist (Sneezy).

Bill has about 150 lbs on Mr. Gold, plus Mr. Gold uses a cane to walk. Can't he just punch him of something?

Mr. Gold whacks him in the knee with his fighting stick (the cane). He takes the obnoxiously obvious red cap and sprinkles it with magic liquid. Bill tells Mr. Gold the hat is special because his grandmother made it for him.

Mr. Gold kicks Bill over the line. But Bill doesn't go crazy, in fact he remembers everything.

The experiment works! 

Mary Margaret gives the eulogy for Dr. Hopper—who is actually bound and gagged in Hook's ship. The Dalmatian wines.

I thought dogs were super smart when it comes to fake bodies in your master's coffin.

Hook interrogates Dr. Hopper about Rumpelstiltskin's greatest weakness. This is a cue for the next scene.

Belle enters Mr. Gold's shop where he's waiting to give her some exciting news. He explains to her— and us—that by sprinkling the liquid on an object you hold most dear, it becomes a talisman that allows you to cross the town lines while still keeping your memory. He's ready to go looking for his son, Bellfire.

That's going to be confusing isn't it? Belle and Bellfire?

He opens a safe and shows Belle, Bellfire's (see it's already confusing) shawl. It's the last thing he has of his son.

Wow! I hope Hook doesn't find out about this.



Mr. Gold tells Belle that he only has enough potion for one object.

Wow! I hope it doesn't get wasted. Geez, there is so much to chance.

Belle enjoys a pint of grog at the local Ale House. The townsfolk are in a tizzy about a dangerous beast they're hoping to round up and kill. Grumpy, who is still Dreamy at this point, tells Belle he's super excited to be secretly eloping with his true love, Nova the clumsy fairy.

Where is Nova, anyway?

Dreamy thinks it would be giggles and fun times if Belle joined the hunters to take down the beast. Belle looks pained and explains that she prefers books—besides she already hooked up with a Beast and it didn't end so well.

But he convinces her because his positive attitude is contagious. Before Belle leaves on her super fun adventure, Dreamy gives her a sack of fairy dust. She's hesitant since magic turned Rumpelstiltskin all crazy and mean. Dreamy insists she take it because good magic is different than dark magic.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Belle struts down Main Street and opens Storybrooke's library by pulling on the door and walking in. Hook startles her. She tells him the library isn't opened yet. And by closed she means the door isn't locked. 


Don't think about the absurdity too much, just accept it and move on.

When Hook steps out of the shadows, she recognizes him from when he visited her cell in the Queen's castle. He explains that he's after Rumpelstiltskin, but her death will do nicely as well.


Belle manages to easily turn over a bookcase, making it crash on top of Hook. She enters the wacky elevator that leads to the dungeon, where the dragon is rotting from when Emma killed it last season.

I bet it smells bad.

She calls Mr. Gold, but the reception is so bad he has no clue that she's being attacked by a one handed pirate.

Belle studies a book while the hunters tease her about reading and letters and stuff. In fact, she happens to be reading about the very beast they're hunting. She also happens to be wearing a low cut tunic. She tells them to go to the lake, and then the hunters kick her off the waggon.

Right. 'Cause men HATE having a good looking chick with her boobs popping out of her shirt.

But getting kicked off is part of Belle's plan—the beast actually lives in the mountains. And it takes her two minutes to find it's lair. Armed with a book, a dagger, and about three feet of cleavage, Belle enters the beasts cave.

She steps on a stick, the silly goose. The fiery beast comes out! It's so ferocious it roars at Belle, and then runs away. Mulan shows up all pissy because Belle's loud stick spooked the beast just as she was aiming her arrow to kill. It took her a month to track it down, damnit!
 

Mulan doesn't like Belle, her book, or her cleavage. She stomps away in a huff.

Mr. Gold rescues Belle and listens with gritted teeth while she tells him about Hook.

As everyone snacks on egg salad sandwiches at Mary Margaret's apartment, Henry is totally bummed about his adoptive mom killing Dr Hopper. Grumpy brings up the topic of returning to the enchanted forest. And what would happen if someone from the real world decided to pay a visit?

*cough* foreshadowing *cough*

Belle tries to convince Mr. Gold not to kill Hook. Mr. Gold explains how his wife, Mila ran away with Hook, breaking his heart, and Bellfire's.

Of course he left out the part about him ripping her heart out.

Pfft. Details. Who needs them?
 
Mr. Gold finds his shop has been ransacked. The safe is empty. Hook watches from a roof top as Bill Smead hands over Bellfire's shawl. Now Mr. Gold is trapped in Storybrooke.

Belle wants to exert her independence and help Mr. Gold hunt down Hook. Instead, Mr. Gold convinces her to wait it out in the library...with a gun.

Overdue charges has a whole new meaning.
 
Belle is bullied at a local waterhole by the hunters she tricked.

Mulan shows up and pulls a Princess Xena, knocking out most of the men and scattering the rest. She gets a flesh wound, but shrugs it off. Mulan wants to find the beast and she knows Belle's book will lead the way quickly. “You track it, and I'll kill it,” she tells Belle.

Let's order pizza for supper instead.

Belle cleans up the library and finds a knotted bit of rope. She flips through a nautical text and finds the same knot.

Books are the answer!

She keenly deduces that Hook came to Storybrooke on his ship.

Sure...or a million other possibilities.

Bill Smead is packed for a trip out of Storybrooke when he's confronted by Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold does the Darth Vader invisible choking grip as Bill confesses that he gave the shawl to Hook. Mr. Gold changes him into a rat.



Scabbers!

Fifty points for Gryffindor!

Belle stands on the wharf looking for a pirate ship. Seagulls perch in mind air. She takes a few steps and breaks through the invisibility shield.


Hey, where's Cora during all of this?

Belle finds Dr. Hopper! It was so convenient how his gag had slipped down so he could scream. Belle tells him to run and give the latest to Mr. Gold while she stays on the ship—there may be some books on board.

Poor Henry is still sad. Emma bursts into Mary Margaret's kitchen with the Dalmatian who still hasn't lead anyone to the ship yet.

Henry is instantly cured of his sadness. Mary Margaret applauds Emma's motherly instincts, but suggests they start to look for a bigger house. She'd like some private sexy time with David, and that's hard if there are no walls.

Belle is caught snooping by Hook. He holds Bellfire's shawl, and snatches away her gun.

How does he even know how to work a handgun?

Belle and Mulan move through the night forest. Belle's book of answers has led them to the beast's latest site of carnage (although the trail of fire was a hint as well). Mulan's wound is making her weak. Belle has to be the one to kill the beast.

Belle stands up to Hook and engages him in a conversation. Hook gets all sentimental over the shawl since Mila had made it. When Belle refuses to budge on her opinion of Mr. Gold, he tells her that Rumpelstiltskin killed Mila by ripping out her heart.

Wow! That will teach Mila a lesson.

Belle preaches that Mr. Gold has changed...blah, blah...and that his heart is true, no matter how many women he's killed, or people he's beaten or maimed.

Dear ABC,

You've sent the women's movement back by thirty years.

Belle uses a loose board to hit Hook, and she escapes with the shawl. But he's so sneaky, he manages to block her off on the deck. And guess what? Mr. Gold is there too, with his fighting stick.

Belle gets the attention of the fiery beast by yelling, “Over here.” Luckily the beast understands English. It follows her and gets caught in her booby trap. No, not that booby trap. I mean the big thing of water that spills over him.

The beast begins to melt! He scrawls calligraphy in the dirt. He's human! 

*Closes eyes and prays, "Please be the huntsman.*


Belle takes out her sack of fairy dust and sprinkles it over the dying beast. Poof! Up stands a fully clad Prince...Prince Phillip!!!

He thanks Belle and says an evil witch cursed him to keep him from finding his true love, Aurora.

As Mr. Gold bludgeons Hook with his cane, Belle plays the 'there's good in you' card, and he finally stops. Leering into Hook's bloodied face, he tells him to leave Storybrooke forever.

Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen.

Again, where's Cora?

And where's the Mayor?

Henry tries to convince Emma that they should start stalk piling weapons in case the Mayor comes after them next. Before you can say, “Kill a loved one! Who do you think she is, Mr. Gold?” Dr. Hopper arrives to tell them the good news that he's alive, and that Cora was his kidnapper, not the Mayor.

Mr. Gold drives up with Belle to the town line. He tells her how much he appreciates her helping him. Belle does her usual, 'I'll never give up, you're worth fighting for. I believe in you...'

Belle introduces Prince Phillip to Mulan. She turns down their offer to make it a threesome (dirty minds) instead, she takes her book and says she needs to face another beast. But as she reaches the crest of the hill, the Evil Queen is waiting. And Belle is taken prisoner.

Belle wraps Bellfire's shawl around Mr. Gold. He crosses the town line and looks dazed for a moment. Then he turns and says her name.

Hooray! I hope he cleaned the blood off his cane for his big trip to the city.

Belle gives him a kiss and promises to be waiting for his return. There is a gun shot and Belle falls across the line into Mr. Gold's arms.

Hook stands behind them looking satisfied. Belle has lost her memory. Mr. Gold is frantic.

Suddenly, a car's headlights come out of the darkness. Mr. Gold pulls Belle off the road. Hook gets hit and the car spins out of control, coming to a stop against a rock.

The Pennsylvania license plate refers to Florida.

*cough* Emma's ugly faced boyfriend. *cough*

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Mary Margaret's outfit at the funeral.

The Prince Phillip story line.

How Mulan kicked those dirt bag hunters butts.

The ending with Hook showing up, plus the car thing.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

Bill Smead's cap (it makes me sneeze).

How Belle keeps forgiving Mr. Gold, even when he beats the crap out of everyone.

How there's not supposed to be any magic, but there is.

Sheriff Graham STILL did not return.

Who do you think is in the car from Pennsylvania?






 

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 10, "The Cricket Game"


Or better title, "The Crying Game"


This episode was so useless it made my eyes water.


Hook and Cora wait until darkness before entering Storybrooke.

Why does Cora have a black umbrella?

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Hook wants to take off after Rumpelstiltskin, but Cora reminds him that she has the dark magic and he doesn't, so there!

Emma and Henry walk in on Mary Margaret and David in bed. How awkward to see your parents and grandparents making out.


Janet Jackson or Evil Queen?
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The Evil Queen disguises herself as Janet Jackson, trying to hide from the rebels. Determined, she hunts down Snow White. It's a trap! The blue fairy comes out from the shadows and puts a binding spell on her.

Why didn't this happen a hundred episodes ago?





There's a party for Mary Margaret and Emma at the...you guessed it, the pub/dinner/laundromat. The Mayor arrives as a guest of Emma's. Mary Margaret and David take Emma aside and say, “This is the woman who tried to kill all of us...like all of us.”

Everyone eats the Mayor's lasagna, but no one wants to chat it up with her. The Mayor thanks Emma for the useless invite and tries to convince her let Henry have a sleepover. When Emma refuses, she gets angry, and then she gets sad, and then she apologizes again.

Emma blabs that Dr. Hopper believes she wants to change and is committed to stop using magic.

Cora and Hook watch from the top of a building, waiting for the perfect moment.

Dr. Hopper and his dalmatian have a run in with the Mayor. She spits out big words like, confidentiality. Ruby jogs by in a sweat shirt, tight jeans and useless high boots.

Jiminy Cricket tells the table of fairy tale characters that the Evil Queen will never change. Charming declares that for the better of every kingdom and land out there, they must kill her.

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Ruby spies the Mayor visiting Dr. Hopper. She begs him for another session. Hold on, the dalmatian knows something is up.

Gee, I wonder if Cora is pretending to be the Mayor?

 There's a huge plume of purple smoke. We see Dr. Hopper gag his last breath.

The dalmatian waits all night, then the next morning, he goes straight to the pub/dinner/laundromat. He finds Henry and barks a warning that Dr. Hopper has fallen down a well. Ruby uses her wolf/dog powers and follows the dog across the street.

Emma and David question the Mayor about Dr. Hopper's homicide. She's surprised since she has no idea her mother is impersonating her while she murders fairy tale characters.

As the Evil Queen walks the steps to the gallows, Jiminy asks if she has any last words. She says, “Wow, this will really teach me a lesson.”

Actually, she yells out that she regrets not being able to kill Snow White. Three archers aim, but it's useless since Snow White calls off the execution at the last second.

Emma tells David she's convinced the Mayor knew nothing about Dr. Hopper's death. She orders that they let her go, and then find the truth.

Snow White tells a very confused Charming that once the Evil Queen was Princess Regina, a horse riding, little girl saving, stable boy loving young lady. Those were a fun few days, right?

Rumpelstiltskin visits Snow White, holding the Evil Queen's execution blindfold. He laughs at the idea of rehabilitating her, but he says there is a test to determine if the Evil Queen can become good again. Snow White, takes the deal.

Dummy.

Back in Dr. Hopper's office, David realizes the Mayor's file is missing! Mary Margaret gasps at this concrete evidence. Emma, however is certain the Mayor was framed by Mr. Gold.

Forced to postpone his inside picnic with Belle, Mr. Gold suggests Emma ask the dalmatian a few questions.

How?

With magic, of course. But here's the big plot hole twist. Emma has to use magic.

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Mr. Gold pulls out a dream catcher and fills it with the dogs memories. Emma really, really, really concentrates. Suddenly we're seeing the dog's memories. The Mayor enters the office and chokes Dr. Hopper. Emma drops the dream catcher, overwhelmed by the Mayor's guilt.

That was useless.


At this point, I thought you might enjoy some James Spader eye candy.


Emma and her parents decide no usual warrant will suffice. Luckily, fairy dust is being refined as I write this.

Snow White visits the Evil Queen in her holding cell. She talks about the old Regina and urges her to leave all her evil behind in the cell. She breaks open the lock with a dagger. The Evil Queen takes two seconds before she grabs the dagger and stabs Snow White.

But the dagger is USELESS because Rumpelstiltskin made a protective spell against Snow White and Charming with a hair he took from the Evil Queen's blindfold. The Evil Queen is banished to live alone with her evil self.

Useless punishment.

Emma arrives the Mayor's house announcing plans for her arrest, plus she can use magic now, and the Mayor can't, so there!

The Mayor freaks out and a fight erupts. She escapes in a purple haze of smoke.

I'd say she's broken now.

Emma and her parents have a heart to heart about who is the worse parent. On cue, Henry gets off the school bus. Emma takes him aside to drop the bomb about Dr. Hopper's murder. The Mayor watches tearfully from her car as Henry collapses into Emma's arms.

Rumpelstiltskin visits the Evil Queen in her solitary castle. He rubs in the fact Snow White and Charming are getting married. He talks about different lands, and plants the seed for the curse that started this whole mess.

Cora returns to the dock to find Hook sulking about how he hasn't gotten his revenge on Rumpelstiltskin. Cora takes him into the ship and shows him who she's kidnapped. Someone who has all the town's secrets.

It's Dr. Hopper!

That Cora is such a smarty pants.

Stuff I liked about this episode

1. Mary Margaret's plaid skirt and camel colored cropped jacket.

Stuff I didn't like about this episode

1. Grumpy had three lines and the Blue Fairy had none!

2. Dr. Hopper's dog didn't even get a treat when he lead them to the body.

3. David is allowed to talk.

4. Sheriff Graham STILL has not returned.

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Sunday, 30 December 2012

Christmas Comes To Storybrooke

It was a great idea NOT to invite Regina to the party.
onceuponatimepodcast.com


The last time we saw the good fairy tale folk of Storybrooke, Emma and Mary Margaret had returned from the enchanted forest and all was well.

But wait! What is that on the horizon? A tsunami? A pod of Orcas?

Ew! Storybrooke is full of plot holes.
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No! It's a pirate ship and the two occupants are promising to make things a whole lot more interesting in the land of no magic...except, well, when there is magic.

So, before Emma and her royal parents start making Christmas cookies at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, here's a warning that their New Year's Eve may not ring in smoothly.

"Captain Hook Is Coming To Town" Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"



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You better watch out,
You better not spy.
You better not gloat,
I'm telling you why.

Captain Hook is coming to town.

He's making a list,
Of people to curse.
Cora's there too,
With a heart in her purse.

Captain Hook is coming to town.


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He sees you with his sexy eyes,
He uses guy-liner, too.
His leather pants squeak when he sighs,
But, don't you be his fool.


O! You better watch out,
You better not spy.
You better make sure,
You pick the right side.

Captain Hook is coming to town.

He's looking for that crocodile, 
Who chopped off his left hand,
He's not afraid of Mr. Gold,
'Cause Cora's gonna rule the land.


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O! You better watch out,
There's gonna be mayhem.
Hook might be cute,
But ain't no Sheriff Graham.

(Big Finish!)
Captain Hook is coming to town.


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Monday, 19 November 2012

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Fanfiction episode "Splitting Heirs"


Since there was no episode for November 19th, I wrote my own. Enjoy!



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Ruby takes on her wolf form and runs through the darkened woods of Storybrooke, relishing the feeling of the wind through her fur and the moss under her paws.

She stops, tilts back her massive head, and fills her animal lungs, but before she can yelp out her own orchestra of yowls into the night air, a howl breaks the silence. Ruby whips her head around—she's not the only wolf in the forest tonight.

Her nose picks up an unfamiliar scent, this is someone or something she's never met in Storybrooke. She begins to track down the mysterious beast. The camera focuses on her wolf eye.

The camera pans back and we see Red snarling at Snow White and Granny. They quickly put the magical cloak over Red, bringing her back to her fully clothed human form. Snow White leads her away from the tree where Peter was chained just moments ago.


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Devastated, Granny explains Red's true identity. As the mob of villagers grows closer, Snow White takes Red and they disappear into the thick darkness. Granny faces the men and tells them the beast escaped. She points to the tree where Peter's ripped clothes lay strewn about.

“See?” she says. “It was Peter all along. I had him trapped, but he turned under the full moon and fled. You'll never catch him now, he's probably half way across the valley.”

The group scratches their heads, upset the hunt ended in such an unspectacular fashion. Granny urges everyone to the pub, promising that drinks are on her.

God love that Granny, she knows how to work a crowd.

Once the mob and their flickering torches disappear into the trees, Granny searches the ground around Peter's belongings. Her fingers curl around something cold. She picks up a slim silver whistle and tucks it into her fist.

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A woman enters Mr. Gold's shop. A crooked smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “Well, this is a pleasure,” he says. “It's been a long time, Val. How's the salon doing these days?”

She ignores his question and turns her head to the side scanning the rest of the shop, making sure they're alone. Her long blond braid snakes over her shoulder reaching the crook of her elbow. “I've been checking the lists of missing persons,” she says, her voice shaking. “But he's not there.” She tucks in her chin and demurely scans the glass counter, but her desperate eyes search in vain.

“What you're looking for is not for sale,” Mr. Gold says. “But I might be willing to trade.”

Her gaze snaps up. “Anything,” she offers.

Mr. Gold leans in close, “I want the most powerful thing you possess.”

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A little girl sits in an elegant castle room as her mother stands behind, combing her hair. “Now, Valerie Ann Ella,” her mother begins. “You are a princess and must act accordingly.”

Valerie makes a face and squirms on the velvet cushion. “It's not fair,” she pouts. “Fridolf gets to run and play outdoors while I'm stuck inside having my stupid hair pulled.”

“It will not do you any good to compare yourself to your twin brother,” she orders, pinning an elaborate braid in place. “Besides, you should be grateful for the beautiful golden comb your father gave you.”

“Fridolf got the better gift,” she rebuts. “Father said it can tame any beast and summon help no matter where you are.” She crosses her arms. “He's father's heir. Why isn't he the one suffering with lessons on how to be proper?”

She pushes off the chair and goes to the window overlooking a grassy courtyard. A young boy with shaggy brown hair tumbles and plays with several dogs. He puts a small silver whistle to his lips, and the dogs immediately sit down at his feet.

As if he can feel her stare, he looks up and a grin spreads across his face. “Vee!” she shouts. “Come down, I've found a new trail in the forest for us to explore!”

With her mother shouting protests, Princess Valerie scampers down the stone steps and races off with her brother and their dogs.



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Granny sits inside her log cabin, rocking in her chair, missing Red. A knock at the door breaks her train of thought. Rumpelstiltskin waltzes in and waves his hand at the meagre fireplace making it roar to life.

“Enjoying the quiet life? Must be a real change from locking up your grand daughter every month,” he chuckles.

Granny's mouth is a tight line. “What do you want?”

“I've come to collect of course!” He spins around and puts his arms out to the sides in a grand gesture. “I don't give out those magical cloaks for nothing. Thanks to me your Red can run around the countryside hiding her true self.”

Granny hits him with a hard stare. “All I want is for her to be safe and happy. Thanks to you, she's on the run and away from her family...not exactly what you promised.”
He cocks an eyebrow and holds out his hand, letting her know he's only here for one thing.

Granny stomps her foot, making one of the floor boards lift up. She eases it back, and puts her hand inside. She pulls out a tiny box and hands it over. Rumpelstiltskin smiles and lifts the slim silver tube.

“Pleasure doing business,” he bows. He pauses at the door, and takes in her lonely little room with it's tiny fire.

“I feel as if she took my heart when she left,” Granny confesses.

“The heart is irrelevant, Dearie. It's the soul that matters.”

Valerie races ahead of Fridolf, her dress covered in mud. She laughs as he slips and trips with the dogs. She sprints to the garden where her parents, the King and Queen are waiting. Breathless, she collapses on the grass laughing and ignoring her mother's disapproving stare.

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Suddenly, Cora erupts into the garden in a swirl of purple smoke. Her eyes sweep across the garden, then zero in on Princess Valerie's mother. “Rapunzel! How dare you wear a Queen's crown!” she shrieks. “You are no more royalty than a toad in a well. It is my young daughter who is destined to be the great King's next bride someday, not your snivelling ragamuffin.”

Valerie's father stands boldly in front of his family. “Your powers are useless here, witch,” he defies. “You locked her up once in a tower, but we outsmarted you. Blinded by the thorns, I still found her, and my newborn children. Her tears of joy healed my eyesight. Be gone,” he commands. “Your evil power will never be enough to break our hearts again.”

Cora smiles, “How foolish of you to think it's your hearts I'm after.” Her gaze locks on Valerie. With a wave of her gloved hand, Cora sets the garden on fire. The castle explodes behind them. The Queen huddles over Valerie, trying to protect her. Another blast of wind and Valerie feels her mother's lifeless body fall away from and crumble to the ground beside her already dead father.

Cora laughs and snatches up Valerie. “Your heart and soul with suffer with every breath you take,” she promises the young princess. Valerie lunges for her parents bodies, but Cora's hold is strong. She gallops away with Valerie over her lap.

The last thing Valerie sees is Fridolf standing at the edge of the forest with his dogs, tears streaming down his face. She stares at him and knows he can read her face. Run, she tries to tell him, run back into the forest and hide...forever.

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Val returns to her shop—"Split Ends", Storybrooke's only beauty parlor. Ruby is waiting by the counter, pretending to check out the nail polish and asks for a trim. Valerie bites her lower lip, sensing that Ruby is lying. Ruby gets frustrated with Val's hesitation and blurts about her little run through the woods. She smiles widely and says. “I found him. He's alive!”

From the street, Mr. Gold watches Val hug Ruby.

A hooded figure enters a pub full of unsavory characters. A teen aged Valerie wipes her sweaty brow while evading the customers grimy hands. A toothless man behind the bar slaps down a bowl for her. She frantically spoons the mush into her mouth. He barks out an order, and nods to a table of leather clad thugs.

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“The Queen's guards,” he sneers in her face. “They show no mercy for scullery girls.”

Valerie swallows the last of her pathetic supper and takes pewter cups of ale to the guards. One grabs her long blond hair and yanks her back. Suddenly, all their hands are pulling her closer, groping the tattered skirt and apron. She lets her arms go slack, pretending to give up, but before she can reach into the secret fold of her skirt, the hooded figure thrusts a knife into the air between the guards.

Valerie takes her golden comb and swipes it along one of the guard's chin. A waterfall of hair grows like an unstoppable beard. The others are stunned as stumble and trip in the messy trap. But each time Valerie's comb touches them, hair springs forth, out of control. The hooded figure grabs Valerie. They race out of the pub, where a horse is waiting.

“Who are you?” she asks breathlessly, tucking the golden comb back in her pocket. “Why did you save me?”

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He pulls back his hood and gives her a genuine smile, “My name is Peter,” he tells her.

Val storms into Mr. Gold's shop and slams her golden comb down on his glass counter so hard the crystal mobile of unicorns hanging from the ceiling shakes. “Take this as a trade,” she starts. “Please, I'm begging you. Ruby says we're so close.” Her voice catches and the tears start to fall.

Mr. Gold tilts his head. “We both know there is no magic left in that comb, Val.” He reaches under the glass and places a delicate bottle on the glass counter.

“What's this?” she sniffs.

“I need you to fill this for me...with your tears.” She reaches for the bottle, but he puts up a hand, stopping her. “Not tears of sadness...tears of joy.” He reads her expression and begins to explain. “People in this town are in a race to find magic. And the most powerful of all is love. Your father's blindness was cured by your mother's tears when she saw him stumble out of the forest, desperately looking for her.”

Valerie sniffed again. “How do I know you won't create another horrible spell?”

Mr. Gold holds up the bottle, “I know how it feels to be ripped apart from someone you love.”

“And I'll cry tears of joy?” she asks guardedly.

He reaches under the counter again, bringing out the small wooden box Granny hid under her floor. He opens it and hands her the small silver whistle.

Val's eyes grow wide. She races out of the shop, her blond braid swinging from side to side. “You'll need a shovel,” he yells at her back.

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Peter and Valerie make a camp in the forest. He tells a fantastic tale of being lost in the woods last winter. He came upon a wolf, caught in a crude trap. Unable to let the magnificent beast suffer, he freed him and their shared body heat allowed them to survive the bitter night.
In the morning, the wolf led him out of the forest. Peter felt badly for the creature who had a leather collar that was digging into it's flesh. When he cut away the binding, a silver whistle fell at his feet. The wolf then simply loped back into the forest.
When Valerie gives him a sceptical look, he further explains about the night Red turned on him, but when he blew the silver whistle, it stopped her from attacking him. He barely managed to escape with only a few scratches, but dropped the whistle as he fled. When he finally returned, Granny told him that Red had run away for good.

Since then, Peter's been searching for her. He's heard of a man who can grant any wish and he wants to find a cure. Valerie tells him about Cora destroying her family, and selling her off as a slave at the nearest village. She's tried to escape, but the woods are full of Ogres and ruthless renegades. Her only hope is that her twin brother is still alive.
The Huntsman lets Snow White escape. He makes her a whistle out a stick and tells her to run deeper in to the forest. With his red eyed wolf by his side, he returns to the castle knowing he has to give the Evil Queen a fake heart.

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He kneels at the castle wall and stares into the red eye of the wolf, his only family since his own went up in flames. He ties the silver whistle around it's leather collar, “You have my soul,” he tells the wolf. “As long as you run free, so will I.”

Val and Ruby stand at the edge of the forest as the full moon to comes out from behind the clouds. Val blows the silver whistle. Through the darkness the wolf with the red eye limps toward them. Ruby changes into her wolf form and joins the wolf as he leads them deeper into the forest.

Peter and Valarie stand in front of a massive castle. The door opens and Belle lets them in. Rumpelstiltskin sits sideways on his chair letting one leg dangle over the golden armrest. Peter explains what they've come looking for.

Rumpelstiltskin gives them a quest—locate a golden ball at the bottom of a well on the other side of the enchanted forest. If they return successful, he will give them their hearts content.

Val finds the red eyed wolf lying on his side, his breathing is labored. Ruby begins to paw at the dirt, showing Val where to dig. The shovel breaks through the moist earth easily and Val soon feels the shovel hit something solid. She wipes away the dirt off the surface of the glass casket. Ruby yelps from above and jumps down into the grave in human form. She helps Val raise the lid.

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After months of searching, Peter and Valerie break through thick vines and find the well. It is a dark bottomless pit. Peter volunteers to go down. His voice echoes back up to her, then finally he yells out that he's found it. But before Valarie can pull him back up, a massive cloud engulfs the land, sending all the characters to Storybrooke.

Mr. Gold finishes the shallow grave and wipes the dirt on his green apron. The glass coffin fits perfectly. He isn't sure the plan will work or if he even needs this to fulfil his master plan, but the unique casket will preserve the body for as long as he intends.

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He grabs his cane and hobbles out of the forest. He's almost run over by Sheriff Graham, looking wild and talking about a wolf he's seen in his dreams. Mr. Gold's eyes flick back to the secret grave and he says, “Don't you know that dreams are a memories of a previous life?”

The red eyed wolf stumbles into Ruby's arms as she helps him lay over the body. “He's dying,” she tells Val. “This is his last promise, as the lone wolf from his pack...this is his duty.” She fixes Val with a steady gaze. “They share the same soul, their bond is stronger than Regina's magic. His heart was crushed, but it can beat again.”

“He looks like he's sleeping,” Val cries, looking into the face of her long lost twin.

Both women crouch down. The wolf instinctively crawls forward until his breath washes over Sheriff Graham's still face. “Blow the whistle again,” Ruby tells Val.

With one last breath, the wolf closes it's red eye and slumps to the side. A second later, Sheriff Graham takes in a sharp breath and opens his eyes.

The bell above the door to Mr. Gold's shop tinkles. Ruby walks in and puts a full jar of Val's joyful tears on the glass counter.

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“Does Storybrooke have a new Sheriff?” he asks, not looking up from his polishing.

“He and Val have a lot of catching up to do,” she says, leaning on her hip. “Regina won't be so happy to know you've resurrected someone.”

Mr. Gold only chuckles, “But it wasn't me, was it? I believe you and Val, and a certain loyal wolf can take credit for that.”

Ruby starts to leave, but then she pauses.

Mr. Gold finally looks up and meets her gaze. “Anything I can do for you?”

“No,” Ruby switches weight between her feet a few times. “I just wanted to say it's cool how you helped Belle get the job at the library.”

“Love is capable of many things, Ruby,” he says. “As long as the heart and soul are willing.”

She frowns uncertain, and then leaves the shop.

Mr. Gold looks down at the golden ball inside the polishing rag. He gently places it beside the spot where the whistle used to lay.







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