Thursday, 29 October 2015

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 5 "Dreamcatcher"

Or better title "Battle of the Moms"

True Love's Lost Tear

Through a magical dreamcatcher, Emma watches a young hunky Merlin combat a gold masked dark one. He says, "You killed my true love."

I take it this Dark One is the woman he used to love since #1, he had the dagger and #2, she was wearing a killer valor cape and bedazzled gold mask.

The lady Dark One caught his tear with the tip of the dagger and turned him into a tree.


How did Emma get this dreamcatcher? Did I miss something?

Further into the forest, Regina is about to hand over the real dagger to the 'charmed' Charmings, but Emma arrives and freezes her parents, telling Regina that they are under King Arthur's control.

She then mentions hot Merlin, his tear of lost true love, and if King Arthur manages to kill Merlin then Emma will stay dark forever.

That is some dreamcatcher.


Meanwhile in present time in Storybrooke the refugees from Camelot are complaining about the rough conditions like running water, flushing toilets and electricity. Queen Guinevere is desperate to pick up the morale.

Henry pipes up, "Hey, lets throw a dance party!"

Hook and David waste no time in snickering about Henry's new crush, Violet.

Um...okay, they're only 13 or something. Maybe step the frig off the perv wagon try and figure out why the prisoner completely vanished into thin air, and maybe think of a way to help Emma get rid of the dark magic.

Speaking of the Dark One, Emma has Mr. Gold holed up in her basement. He tries to convince her that dark magic isn't worth the price, but whatever, it worked for him, right?

Merida is then assigned to make him brave and the two disappear in a plume of purple smoke.

Good Knight

Back in time, we see Henry spend more time with Violet and her favourite horse, wait, Nicolodeon. But Violet's dad is like, "Listen 'boy from away', you'll never be a knight and I will only allow Violet to date knights in training."

What is it with all the dudes on this show trying to marry off all the children!

In need of advice Henry finds his Moms, getting ready for their Christmas catalogue shoot. Wrapped in the velveteen capes in a magical forest they tell Henry he's already a brave hero and that he should just be his cute genuine self.


All this awesome parenting reminds Regina of her own twisted mother and she suddenly gets an idea of where they can find a tear of lost love. Using the magical dreamcatcher, she watches her memory of her mother ripping out Daniel's heart.

It ripped out my heart too because we've seen how far Regina has come as a character. Unlike some others in this show. *cough* Granny *cough*

In Storybrooke, Henry discovers Violet is too upset to go to the morale boosting dance because her favourite horse, Nick Nolte, is missing. Henry's like, "No, problem. I know powerful people." He finds Emma and before you can say 'Operation Cobra' they hop in the yellow bug.

Hey, maybe she can pull off this Dark One thing...

Sad Times

Under the Merlin tree, Emma and Regina brew up a potion, the last ingredient was Regina's tear. But guess what? It didn't work!

Emma says, "Oh crap, it's because you've moved on. You're in love with Robin now so your sorrow is kind of weak and meaningless. We need real loss."

In other news, deep in the forest Mr. Gold is getting his 'brave' training by Merida, who basically terrorizes him. IDK, this whole scene was ridiculous. She berates him for having a limp and zero sword skills.

But things are worse for Henry. Despite him giving her fizzy Pepsi and warmed up lasagna from Granny's freezer, she drops the f-word. "Let's only be friends."

Why? Because they're only thirteen that's why!!!

With his heart freshly broken, Henry finds Regina and Emma and babbles about how much love hurts. They pat his back and quickly snag his tears of lost love before he gets his confidence back. With the last ingredient...


Emma is surrounded by giant streams of light and suddenly Merlin is free! She takes him to her parents where he easily undoes the 'fix-it' enchantment put on them by Queen Guinevere.

David is like, "Whoa, awesome. Can you fix Emma?"

He says, "No problem...if she wants me to."

Emma gets busy staring at the floor.

I smell issues.

A Mother's Love

In Storybrooke, Emma and Henry find Violet's horse, Nickolas. With Violet's dad's approval, she and Henry have a grand time at the fair/dance/harvest festival or whatever they managed to whip up in Main Street in less than two hours.

Across town Hook, Regina, David and Belle break into Emma's house hoping to find Mr. Gold, instead they found the Excalibur buried in fake rock. With no other clues to go on, Belle realizes the Excalibur and the Dark One's dagger must be from the same blade.

Why? Because she's the bookish one, that's why.

While they're rushing out before Emma catches them, Hook finds the dreamcatcher. He and Regina watch as Violet's memory is replayed. OMG!!! They discover Emma ripped her heart out to control her and make her break up with Henry.

Ouch! That's harsh, Emma.

Regina also figures out that Emma has captured everyone's memories in the dreamcatchers.

Ew...don't look at Grumpy's.

Anyway, Emma and Regina have an awesome confrontation about Henry who is now so upset with Emma he's locked himself in his room.

Who was this episode's MVP?

#1. Violet's horse, Nitrogen

#2. Emma's new lipstick

#3. Henry's tear

A Reminder For Every Writer...

So keep on blooming, keep on writing!

Monday, 19 October 2015

Once Upon A Time, Season 5, Episode 4 "Broken Kingdom"

Or better title "Disney Princess in Peril"

My face, during most of this episode.

The writers could have had so much fun with the epic love story of Guinevere and Sir Lancelot...well, they didn't because this is Storybrooke and magical devices and out of context storylines from the past take president.

We learn that Arthur and Guinevere grew up together as orphans.

Parent abandonment is a popular theme on Once Upon A Time.

Anywho, fast forward to adulthood and Arthur is a workaholic who has no time for his lady, enter Lancelot who has an instant connection with Guinevere.

That escalated quickly.

Dagger Danger

Back six weeks ago in Camelot, Charming realized Emma's dagger is the missing piece to Excalibur. Charming wants to give it to King Arthur since they're all good buddies and all, but Snow White says, "Seriously? Then our baby daughter will be under his control and he wants to kill the Dark One. Do the math, moron!"

They argue and Regina watches in stunned delight.

Love Triangle

Five years ago Camelot (still with me?), Guinevere uses Merlin's Gauntlet (magical object for this episode) in order to locate the dagger because it's Arthur's greatest weakness. Lancelot goes with her and they uncover a giant manhole cover that's obviously the Dark One's Special Hidey Hole.

Stairs spiral downward. They look for the dagger, but the darkness starts attacking Lancelot! Guinevere saves him and from that moment on they both know they're hot for each other.

When they try to take the dagger, Rumpelstiltskin shows up and gives Guinevere a vial of magical glitter that can make anything broken look fixed.

That's not random at all. *heavy sarcasm*

Meanwhile, Hook is starting to get all ordery and jerkish to Emma. Rumpelstiltskin watches with his judgy face time.

Stupid Plan...

Okay, back in the time machine folks, six weeks ago in Camelot, Arthur followed Snow White and Charming and found them cavorting with Lancelot talking in whispers about hiding the dagger! Arthur pops out and says, "Ha! I fooled you suckers, prepare to die!" He forces Snow White to hand over the dagger but when he tries to summon Emma it doesn't work because the dagger was a fake...all along.

Lancelot is unimpressed. He says, "Seriously. We wasted so much of this episode on your stupid fight scenes."

Guinevere shows up and blows the magical 'Fix It' power (that was convenient) and erases everyone's memories or brain washes them or something like that.

Snow White and Charming talk like they're hypnotized and demand Regina to hand over the dagger to King Arthur.

She's like, "You two boobs had one job to do..."

Also, Lancelot gets dragged to the dungeons. And guess who's already there?

Then Emma takes Merida and ties her to the front of her yellow bug. I'm guessing this is the 'act of bravery' she's going to force on Mr. Gold to make him a pure hero, or something like that.

Honestly, with all the money this series is making, the wig could have been better quality than the local Halloween shop.

Who was the MVP?

#1. Rumpelstiltskin's judgy face

#2. Merida's wig

#3. The yellow VWB

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

What Is Cody Thinking?

Ah, the complex mysteries of Cody's brain. In between naps, what does my ten year old cocker spaniel think about?

1. Wait. Is that the sound of the fridge being opened?
2. Mum’s looking at me. Time to get busy.
3. Wait. Is that the sound of a spoon mixing something in the kitchen?
4. What’s the girl doing? Does she have food?
5. I hear Master’s car keys.
6. What’s for breakfast?
7. I wish the boy would come and scratch my belly. 
8. That mailman had BETTER get out of the yard.
9. I need to stand guard at the door in case that old lady person walks by again.
10. I want to lie down and take a nap.
11. I want the boy to lie down and take a nap so I can lie down and take a nap with him.
12. Wait. Is that the old lady person?
13. I’m hungry.
14. I want the girl to feed me carrots. I should give her 'the sad face look'.
15. Where's the squeak toy? I miss the squeak toy.
16. I'm busy sniffing everything.
17. Don’t bother me; I’ve got lots of important napping to do.
18. What’s for lunch?
19. Wait. Mum's in the kitchen again.
20. I wish Mum would drop some food.
21. The boy is watching me; I have to look cute.
22. I totally run this house.
23. I hear Master's car; I must run to greet him.
24. I’m fierce and awesome.
25. What’s for snack?
26. Wait. Is that the fridge?
27. Yawn.
28. Was that a crow?
29. There's the little dog from up the street. I have to look like I care.
30. Oh! Sliced apples.
31. Mum.
32. Nap.
33. Time to scratch my ear.
34. I’m in charge.
35. What’s for dinner?

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 3 "Siege Perilous"

Or better title "Charming Finds A Mushroom"

Going on a Quest

While searching Merlin's lab, Regina finds a book and concludes that a magic mushroom (yes, that's right) will help them talk with the tree version of the wizard.

Why don't they just look for a spell that will turn Merlin back into a man?

Prince Charming volunteers to find the mushroom because he's been a side character for so long and basically has no conflict with anyone Zzzzz...huh? Oh, sorry I drifted off writing about Prince Charming.

King Arthur joins him on this quest and takes no time in spilling the beans about Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere's affair. Then Charming drops the bomb that Sir Lancelot (the knight of the fairest heart) is dead.

Remember that episode when Charming's evil dad tricked Snow White into drinking a potion that made her unable to have babies?

Then this random knight arrives with King Arthur's 'trunk of wonder' which is full of magical stuff they've stolen collected on their travels...including the Eternal Flame that helps light the way through the forest.

Charming sets off with King Arthur, they find the mushroom and Charming has to battle a few headless knights, but alas, during the battle—which King Arthur did nothing—Charming loses the mushroom.

No worries, though because when they return to Camelot, King Arthur makes Charming a knight because "the quest is what really matters, not the finding."

Huh? Tell that to the tree waiting for its magic mushroom.

At this point Snow White takes a break from Charming getting all the attention and wanders into the hallway. She is surprised to see Sir Lancelot since he died a few seasons ago. Lancelot tells her the Dark One isn't the one to be feared—it is King Arthur who poses the greatest threat.

How to Love 'The Dark One'

Meanwhile in Storybrooke, Belle wanders the pawn shop looking for something that once belonged to Mr. Gold BEFORE he was the Dark One (it's needed for a super duper healing spell).

Across the street Hook wanders into Granny's pub/diner/laundromat like most characters do and chats up Robin a bit. Granny then plunks down a bag of take out and tells him Emma wants to meet him on his ship.

He's like "What, I'm just at her beck and call or something? I was a pirate for frig's sake."

Granny said, "Dude, what choice do you have? She's the Dark One. That'll be $20 for the lunch, by the way."

When he arrives on his ship, Emma magically appears with the pretense that they could 'just talk.' Hook sits down at their little picnic, grimacing at her 'Sandy' from Grease outfit from their first date.

Personally, I prefer the powered wig version with dark magic.

There's a lot of talk about Dark Ones and loving Dark Ones and how Belle loves Mr. Gold...blah, blah, blah...where is this going? Hook talks about how Mr. Gold was a coward before he was the Dark One and that he, Hook, was the villain in that case when he put his sword to his throat and threatened his life.

Tired of this trip down memory lane, Emma finally says, "Do you love me or what?"

"I loved you," he says, emphasizing the past tense.

Hmm...guess who feels threatened by a strong woman? Plus, who is sailing the ship??

Pickup Truck Death Match

Through bizarre coincidental random police work, David finds the magic mushroom in the camp the medieval characters have set up in the forest. King Arthur tells him a magic bean is missing from his  'trunk of wonders'.  This results in a pick-up truck/horseback riding chase scene that should have resulted in a messy death for the dud on the horseback.

Instead he's knocked unconscious and ends up in the jail cell of the ALWAYS empty Sheriff's office.

Why do these people keep leaving prisoner's un guarded?

King Arthur comes in and it's clear the random knight stole the mushroom under his instructions. Not only that, but he swallows a deadly poison that King Arthur brought all in the name of saving Camelot.

If that's not confusing enough, Belle realizes the rose in her jar is thriving. That must mean Mr. Gold is getting better. When she rushes to the store, he's not there.

I guess she should have stayed at his bedside since he was dying instead of going out for Granny's pie.

It turns out Emma has Mr. Gold in her basement! She has the sword from Hook's ship he used against Mr. Gold when he was wimpy Mr. Rumpelstiltskin. She uses it to bring Mr. Gold out of his coma.

A-ha! That's what she wanted from the ship, not lasagna.

When he wakes, she tells him she's going to turn him into the purest hero ever so he can pull Excalibur out of the stone.

Okay, this last two minutes was the best part of this episode.

Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. Random knight who only got three lines before he died

#2. Magic Mushroom

#3. Granny's lasagna

Monday, 5 October 2015

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 2 "The Price"

Or better title "Whiplash"

Buckle your seatbelts because this episode did more time travel than Mary McFly.

Storybrooke Runs Amok

The dwarfs are a bit freaked about Emma being the Dark One. They race to the town limits desperate to escape, but when Dopey crosses the line he turns into a tree, firmly rooted in the asphalt.

There goes that plan.

In a bid to break the curse over Emma, Hook goes to Mr. Gold's shop and asks Belle why the power of true love's kiss can't help him get Emma back. Belle says something about power and darkness and whatever...and I lose focus because she's not really saying anything. Then she leaves him with this gem. "It's far easier to hate a Dark One than to love one."

*epic eye roll*

Henry tries his best to get used to his mom's new look. Emma feels bad because he feels bad, but not bad enough to tell him why she erased everyone's memories. "Hey, it's just part of the curse," she explains.

Regina shows up and they go all 'mean girls' and Emma drops a hint that something super bad is coming to Storybrooke and only a true savior can save the town.

Regina mumbles, "Stupid savior...whatever."

Meanwhile across town, King Arthur and two of his hot knights ride horseback down Main Street. He doesn't have Excalibur anymore and is also clueless to the last six weeks. They quickly find Mary Margaret and Davie who confesses that Emma is the Dark One who caused this mess.

King Arthur doesn't waste time and suggests, "No worries, just use the dagger against the Dark One!"

"She has the dagger."

"We're screwed."

Savior Swap

We flashback to Camelot as Emma and Regina meet Queen Gueneviere. King Arthur then escorts takes them to his courtyard where he shows them a tree in which Merlin is trapped. He says, "Step forward savior..."

Emma is about to step forward, but Regina takes her place in order to keep Emma's true identity as the Dark One a secret. Emma knows she can't use her magic because it will be dark and she'll lose control because her inner darkness loves the power too much, baby.

Regina's like, "No problem, I've got this."

Regina's Woes

Storybrooke turns into a refugee camp for lost characters from Camelot. Regina and Robin have a heart to heart about how know no one thinks she can save the town.

I smell low self-esteem.

Meanwhile, Queen Guinevere reunites with King Arthur, and she's upset to learn that he's lost Excalibur.

David pipes up like the nosy eavesdropper he is and says, "If it's here, we'll find your sword."

Before I can change the channel, a black skeleton thing swoops in from above and takes Robin away.

Across town, Emma invites Hook to her new Dark One pad. She gives him a drink and says, "Hey, just because I'm the Dark One doesn't mean we can't still be together."

He's cool with it and they start to make out, but then he steps back and oh-uh, Emma still has weird hair and eyebrows. Geez kids, it looks like true love's kiss didn't break the curse.

He demands to know what happened in Camelot. She says, "I'm tired of talking, do you want to stay or not?"

I like this new Emma, actually. She's all badass and says it like it is.

But he turns her down. "This may be who you are, but this isn't who I am."

Oh my god, he's been hanging out with Belle too much.

There's a foot race through the forest and Regina fights the skeleton thing and loses.  Mary Margaret insists she go to the hospital and Regina immediately assumes this is a reflection on her abilities.

"You don't think I can do this!" she whines.

Mary Margaret says, "Um, no. I think you're face is bleeding. Not everything is about your magical powers."


One of King Arthur's knights gives Regina a big ole amulet since she's the savior. But Regina is worried because firstly, she doesn't know how to dance, and secondly, she's not the real saviour. David teaches her to dance and I can't help but wonder why I'm watching this show.

Then we realize the amulet is like a magical nanny cam and the knight is watching and listening to everything!

Where's Selena during all of this?

Regina goes to Mr. Gold's bedside and monologues about how she hates being the former evil queen and how no one trusts she's good enough to save Storybrooke. Belle taps her on the shoulder and regurgitates the latest research she's unearthed about flying skeletons who kidnap lovers.

Apparently the demon is called a Fury. It's in Storybrooke because someone used black magic in Camelot and now the Fury needs to take a body to the underworld as payment...or something. Plus, they need to wait for a full moon or maybe not, I'm a little hazy on the details. However, I do know if Robin is to be saved, someone has to give their life in his place.

How about the tree at the town limits?

To the Death

Back at the ball, Henry takes a giant leap into puberty and crosses the floor to introduce himself to a young princess named, Violet.

I hope this leads to something important to the plot because this scene took five minutes off my life.

The sneaky knight who has been eavesdropping finally dances with Regina. He calls her bluff and says he was a little boy when she burned his village years ago as the Evil Queen. He draws a sword and tries to stab Regina. Robin intervenes and gets stabbed instead. Then David (who is always poking his nose in other people's business) kills the knight.

These people ruin every party.

Regina begs Emma to stop the Fury. Emma says, "The price is not mine to pay. You're the one who used dark magic in Camelot. The price to pay has to be yours."

Now I've got the theme to the Price is Right running through my mind.

Black Magic

We see Regina struggle to heal Robin's wounds, but her magic won't work because—oh my god this is such a farce—because the sword was cursed to kill her.

She begs Emma to use her magic even though there may be a risk that her magic will go dark. Emma gets a hallucinatory message from Rumpelstitskin that if she uses her dark magic there will be a price to pay, but it's Regina's to pay since she asked for it.

Got that?

Emma uses her magic, saves Robin and doesn't freak out and pull out everyone's heart. But...her hand turned kind of gross.

Big deal.

Price to Pay

Regina rushes to give up her life to save Robin's as the ferryman from the underworld comes closer. But Mary Margaret, David and few dwarfs link hands with her. Six souls were too much for the Fury and it self implodes. The ferryman disappears and Robin is safe.

Grumpy proclaims that if Regina can stand up to that monster, she can save the town.

Bingo! Regina now has confidence.
This calls for a celebration at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.

Hey, where's Ruby?

Belle and Hook talk about how true love's kiss only works when it's convenient to the plot.

Henry finds Violet again, but neither of them have any memory of meeting each other.

David consoles Mary Margaret about having a Dark One as a daughter.

Emma stands across the street all alone in her black trench coat. With nothing else to do she returns to her house to find Rumpelstiltskin waiting for her. He shows her the secret in her basement—Excalibur is there, stuck in the stone.

"You have the power to do what no Dark One has ever been able to accomplish," he says. "Make the sword whole."

Putting down the dagger, Emma tries to free the sword but is blown away by a force. Rumpelstiltskin laughs and says she can do it with magic, but she'll have to pay the price.

Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. The Fury
#2. Henry's Adam's apple
#3. The dwarf who got turned into a tree

Sunday, 4 October 2015

Five Unnerving Facts You (Probably) Didn't Know About Edgar Allan Poe

October is the perfect month to celebrate all things macabre and mysterious. As a teenager I still remember watching Vincent Price in Pit and the Pendulum, the last scene in the dungeon stayed with me for weeks—I still get shivers when I think of it.

In celebration of the man who penned that ghoulish tale, I offer five creepy facts you (probably) didn't know about Edgar Allan Poe.

1. The gruesome true story behind “The Masque of Red Death.”

Poe married his cousin Virginia and it was her unfortunate illnesses and subsequent death from tuberculosis that inspired many of his stories. According to historians, one particular evening Virginia was singing for the family, when her lungs hemorrhaged and she began bleeding from the mouth. Soon after, refusing to accept the gravity of her diagnosis, Poe wrote the tale of the spoiled Prince Prospero, locked in his castle, desperately fighting to keep the ghostly visitor of plague and grievance from entering.

2. He Created a New Genre 

Detective fiction like Penny Dreadfuls along with gothic tales of horror and macabre science fiction owe their popularity to Poe. If your stomach and nerve are up for it, look into two of his lesser known tales, The Facts of M. Valdemar’s Case, and Hop-Frog. Both provide confirmation that he refined his lust for gore.

3. What Mustache? 

It’s hard to picture him cleanly shaven, but that’s how he appeared up until the last four years of his life. In the much gloomier and final years, he grew that brooding facial hair he's so well known for.

4. A Mysterious Death

The details of his death have been greatly confused and contested over the years. There are many theories including rabies, diabetes, epilepsy, carbon monoxide poisoning, alcoholism, and cooping.

In 1849 Poe left New York for a visit to Richmond. Instead, Poe turned up in front of a Baltimore bar deliriously raving and wearing clothes that didn’t fit. He was rushed to the hospital, but he died a few days later, never able to provide any clues as to what happened to him.

The most probable explanation is that Poe was a victim of cooping; an ignoble 19th century political custom. Gangs would round up weak men and keep them against their will in a hidden location called a “coop” right before a major election. On election day – and coincidently there was an election in Baltimore on the day Poe was found – the gangs would then drug or beat the hostages before taking them around to vote at multiple polling places.

Poe exhibited symptoms that would be consistent with a victim of cooping, and the loose, mismatched clothes could be attributed to the gangs’ practice of making their hostages change outfits in order to cast multiple votes in disguise. But with no real evidence, the theory is pure speculation, and the cause Poe’s death remains a mystery.

5. His Final Story Was Left Unfinished

After his mysterious death, a partial manuscript was discovered. The story concerned a writer who took lodging in an isolated seaside post in hope of finishing a book. Written in the form of a diary, the man begins to question his emotional health and physical wellbeing. “There is no telling what may happen to a man all alone as I am.” Even though the structure is solid, the man begins to obsess that the light house will collapse on him.

Joyce Carol Oates wrote her own version with an ending and published it in McSweeney’s Enchanted Chamber of Astonishing Stories under the title, “The Fabled Light-house at Vina del Mar.”

Congratulations! You made it to the end of this post. As a gift, here's a little sample of the 1961 horror classic, Pit and the Pendulum, starring Vincent Price.

What are some of your favourite Poe stories?

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