Or better title "I Have No Idea"
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Let's recap: Seeking revenge against Emma for turning him immortal to save his life, Hook (now a Dark One with the inability to make choices based on empathy) is attempting to literally drag Emma's entire family to Hell.
Why?
I have no idea.
Maybe because the mid-season finale needed a ticking time bomb.
There's been so much build up to Hook revealing himself as the man he truly is that I was hoping for a flashback of some substance that would explain why he's unable to fight the darkness like Emma. Who, by the way is acting very much like her pre-Dark One self. And wasn't that the whole motivation for season 4? Making Emma's heart dark? Not really much of a threat after all.
Ever Been To Sea?
Okay, so we see a young Killian and his brother, Liam abandoned by their father. Actually, he sells them into ship slavery before mounting a swimming horse...I think.
Mental note: Are all the parents in Fairy Tale Land vicious? Not one character has had a descent upbringing. Except maybe Grumpy, but he hatched out of a huge egg fully clothed.
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, the Dementors had arrived!
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And everyone is being branded with a Dark Mark that actually looks like a bumble bee, which acts like a one way ticket on the ferry boat to hell—literally.
The dwarves show up because they have a pivotal role to play in this episode.
Bwhahaha! Just kidding. I have no idea why they're there.
While everyone does nothing and just waits for the moon 'to become it's fullest' Mr. Gold saunters out from the alley to give everyone a lesson on the latest plot hole. If you have a bumble bee mark on your arm you will be swept into hell, no passing Go, no collecting $200.
So everyone, dwarfs included, decide to run to the library because there must be a book about this "Moon That Sends Everyone To Hell".
Before anyone gets a paper cut, Mary Margaret monologues about how she's ready to see the end of the world eating cheese burgers at Granny's with all of her loved ones by her side.
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Instead of riling up his wife to channel her inner Snow White and kick some Dark One butt, he says, "True dat, babe. Besides these old books smell like book farts."
Emma says she'll meet them there, then she pulls Regina aside and I'm so excited because finally these two will proclaim their love for each other and it will be the love that spilt the world in half and True Love's kiss will sweep all those dementors/Dark Ones back to hell.
But, no. Emma says she has a plan to save everyone. She's going to use Excalibur to suck all the darkness from Hook and the Dark Ones. Then she'll absorb all that darkness, and kill herself with Excalibur.
I liked my plan better.
Anyway, putting an arm around her shoulders Regina takes Emma to Mr. Gold's shop asking for Excalibur. He hands it over without asking for anything in return and says, "Your a brave woman."
This was a perfect scene based on the inner struggle of all three characters with good and evil and the choices we make and who we love...it was awesome.
The show should have ended right there.
Then Emma tearfully tells Regina before she carries out this epic plan to save everyone, that she wants to spend her last moments with the people she loves the most, so could Regina go to Granny's with her?
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Kiss her, Regina! Kiss her now!
And completely out of character, Regina is like, "Thanks, but I have to hang out with Robin and Baby Hood."
Why would she abandon Emma when she needs her the most? They've been there for each other during the highest stakes! Why?
I have no idea.
Family Ties
Regina leaves Emma in order to deal with Zelena, which is ridiculous because all it took was the use of a sparkly wand which Regina was unable to use until this episode because...why?
I have no idea.
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Emma drops by Granny's and leaves a goodbye note explaining her save Storybrooke plan even though she's still a Dark One. Saving others by murdering yourself is the most unDark Oneish thing imaginable.
In a desperate attempt to create some kind of last minute loop hole, Regina corners Hook down by the docks and eludes to a super secret past they have together. "Remember the time I hired you to kill my mother?" she starts.
Why would a magical Queen need a drunken pirate to kill her even more magical and even more evil mother?
I have no idea.
But first Hook had to prove he had the gumption to carry out the deed by murdering his own father. Wow, could it really be him? After all those years? Yes, Hook's dad works in a pub. But he reveals that he's a changed man and is truly sorry for selling little Hook and his brother, Liam. He fell under a sleeping curse, was kissed awake by his nurse (his true love) but then she died from a plague.
Though Hook was a fierce pirate who was bent on revenge, he can't kill his dad. Instead he demands he leave the country. His dad is fine with this, but then Hook discovers his dad had another son and called him, Liam. How dare he!
Hook is so upset that he ends up killing his dad anyway.
This dude is out of control.
Fare Thee Well, Love
Back in Storybrooke, the pure hearted Mr. Gold does his best acting and suggests that Belle take his car and go see the world. He gives her a talisman that will allow her pass the town line and says, "Go on, no one uses the library anyway. Enjoy some espresso and IMAX. We'll be waiting when you get back."
Belle is easily fooled and grabs the keys without looking back.
After applying some lipstick Emma gets Excalibur but is confronted by Hook. All the drama and tension has led up to this moment. They argue about love and who will pay the mortgage on the house now. Then suddenly Henry is in front of her. Emma goes all slack. Henry takes the sword and transforms back into Hook.
Though Hook was a fierce pirate who was bent on revenge, he can't kill his dad. Instead he demands he leave the country. His dad is fine with this, but then Hook discovers his dad had another son and called him, Liam. How dare he!
Hook is so upset that he ends up killing his dad anyway.
This dude is out of control.
Fare Thee Well, Love
Back in Storybrooke, the pure hearted Mr. Gold does his best acting and suggests that Belle take his car and go see the world. He gives her a talisman that will allow her pass the town line and says, "Go on, no one uses the library anyway. Enjoy some espresso and IMAX. We'll be waiting when you get back."
Belle is easily fooled and grabs the keys without looking back.
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After applying some lipstick Emma gets Excalibur but is confronted by Hook. All the drama and tension has led up to this moment. They argue about love and who will pay the mortgage on the house now. Then suddenly Henry is in front of her. Emma goes all slack. Henry takes the sword and transforms back into Hook.
Why did she fall for that?
I have no idea.
Suddenly everyone is at the pond (portal to hell). Hook confronts Emma (AGAIN!) about how he couldn't wait to get revenge on her for saving his life and making him a Dark One.
Um...before he was like, "I love you, let's live together in this house with an awesome view of the sea." And now, just because he's a Dark One, he's sending her entire family to hell—except baby Neal because everyone has forgotten about him.
Anyway, he snatches Excalibur away from Emma so easily while everyone just shuffled around and watched. Regina finally shows up and says, "Hook, you're being a big jerk. Grow up."
Hook replies, "Shit, you're right. I'm going to suck all the Dark Ones into this sword and then Emma will stab me and I will save the day."
Why did he change that quickly?
I have no idea.
Emma's like, "No! I can't lose you. I should be me."
He says, "Your family needs you. I deserve to go to the underworld. And there's that kiss between you and Regina that still needs to happen."
FYI: You can't be the hero if you fix the mess you made.
Emma stabs Hook!!!!
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Instantly, red leather jacket Emma Swan is back. Hook's grotesque neck wound reappears and he dies in her arms.
Regina is by Emma's side, "Be strong girl. Chin up, buttercup."
Kiss her, Regina! Kiss her!
Dumb and Dumber
Across town, completely naïve about the portal to hell, Belle returns red cheeked and runs to Mr. Gold's arms. She says, "You can't get rid of me that easily." They kiss and make-up and Mr. Gold is starting to realize that Belle, while well read, has zero street smarts.
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Wandering Storybrooke, Emma senses Excalibur is close by. She follows the sound to Mr. Gold's shop. And he's all, "Okay, you got me. I performed a quick spell that somehow cleaved apart the Excalibur. When you stabbed Hook, all the darkness returned to the dagger. I'm the Dark One again." And he shows her the dagger, now engraved with the name, Rumplestiltskin.
How come Emma isn't still the Dark One? Her name was the last on the dagger? Why?
I have no idea.
She says, "You fooled us all. So all that awesome character development and struggle with your character these last few seasons was...?"
"Pointless," he answers. "Yes. It's just like season one again. Including your wardrobe."
And here's the big cliffhanger!
Emma makes a deal with Mr. Gold for the thousandth time, she'll keep his secret from Belle if he gets her into the underworld to save Hook.
Ugh.
Who was the MVP?
#1. Hook's half brother
#2. Emma's lipstick
#3. Mr. Gold's car
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