Or better title "Holy Mother of God, It's a Dragon!"
We know we're in for a dark episode when the Evil Queen breaks up a wedding by killing the groom. Apparently the peasants were about to tie the knot close to her ex-boyfriends grave. And since it was the anniversary of Daniel's death, she was a entitled to stomp on everyone's happiness.
While she's weeping for her lost love, Cora strolls out from behind a tree.
Hey, girl. Aren't you supposed to be in Wonderland beheading hot dudes?
Cora is all about getting Regina a man...a new man, one with a real job. It seems that Cora 'bumped' into Tinkerbell and she revealed that a tattooed man is Regina's true love.
Barbara Hershey should win an award for pulling off that line with a straight face.
Meanwhile in Manhattan, Robin and Regina discuss what their plan is now that Zelena is pregnant. He wastes no time saying he's ready to dump Zelena and start having special naked hugs with Regina again...you know, since his wife really is dead and everyone hates Zelena anyway.
Regina gives him a lemon face and is like, "Dude, you're too complicated to be with. Mmm-bye, bye."
And then Maleficent and Lily finally see each other. And instantly Maleficent isn't evil anymore. Over breakfast at...you guessed it, Granny's, she says, "I don’t even care about getting revenge on the Charmings. Let’s sign up for mother daughter yoga classes.”
But Lily has a different plan. "What the hell kind of mother are you? I came back to help you take down our enemies! Forgiveness? Later. I'm catching the last bus out of here."
In other news, Regina steals the Author from Mr. Gold, since he's barely alive and dying of a heart condition. She wastes no time in finding Lily hanging out at the bus stop.
Why is there a bus stop? No one can leave Storybrooke?
Whatever...after a bit of small talk, she pulls out a knife and cuts Lily's hand. She collects the blood for the Author's ink bottle. And now she has ULITIMATE POWER.
Regina and the Author pay a visit to Zelena in the secret psych ward in the basement of the hospital. It seems she's changed her mind about Robin and has come up with a new plan.
Zelena is like, "He can't unwrite me...can he?"
Silly girl! He's the Author! And if we've learned anything from this show it's that the writers can do whatever they want regardless of plot holes, illogical timelines...
On the other side of town, Maleficent begs the Charmings to help her convince Lily to stay in Storybrooke since they've been such successful parents to Emma.
Their brilliant solution is to drive around in the truck. But this turns out to be a good idea since they soon come across a dragon.
Maleficent is super proud of her little dragon baby and is thrilled to be present for her first flight. Mary Margaret—for no reason other than to get injured and thereby force Emma to sympathize with her—rushes the dragon only to get knocked out.
Point for dragon!
And just as the writers hoped, Emma runs over and instantly heals her while forgiving her for throwing an innocent baby down a wormhole after filling it with pure evil.
Um...whatever. That storyline was getting old anyway.
Maleficent finally gives Lily her baby rattle. Lily decides to stay in Storybrooke for a week to bond with Maleficent and maybe get some flying time in and totally forget those sappy Charmings.
So what happened to Cora? Oh right, back in Fairy Tale land Cora goes to a bar and picks the first guy that hits on her to become Regina's true love. After slapping on a fake lion tattoo she takes him to the castle for some sweet lovin' true love style.
Everything was going well until Regina realized the dude and his tattoo were fake, then she smashed stuff like the Hulk, scaring the fake dude. He confesses this was all a plan to get Regina pregnant.
Oh yeah, Mom? As a counter attack, Regina swallows an infertility potion in front of Cora ensuring the bloodline ends with Regina.
Cora was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought you'd be happy as a mother. It’s only the choices we make to punish others that deprive us of true happiness.
I guess I should have said that before, like maybe in front of Daniel's grave. Gosh, what rotten luck, darling."
Back at the psych cell, the Author is all ready to erase Zelena when Regina decides she is responsible for her own happiness and she doesn't need the Author to write her own happy ending, she'll make it herself.
*cough* Obvious theme *cough*
Miffed, the Author writes himself out of the room and back to Mr. Gold, who by this time is lying on the floor of his shop, counting his last breaths. With wheezy commands Mr. Gold tells the Author to start a whole new story called Heroes and Villains.
I have no idea what crazy crap is coming for he last episode but I sure hope there's a dragon fight.