Ok, I'll admit it, it's my own fault. I bought the movie ticket.There were a lot of things that bothered me about this movie. I mean, did the British assistant have to die in such a long and brutal fashion? And if you're going to recycle a script, make sure to keep the good parts of that original script—you know like characters with depth and a plot that makes sense.
The one change that would have made this movie one million times more interesting would have been to switch Dallas Howard's and Chris Pratt's characters so that she'd be the dino trainer and he'd be the uptight corporate manager.
Anyway, let's get started....
Here are the top ten ridiculous moments in Jurassic World:
#1. The opening scene shows a kid looking at dinosaurs through a view finder. A view finder? He's on his way to a park with live dinosaurs and magic bubble cars and he's captivated by a toy from the 1950's.
#2. Chris Pratt's character is like the velociraptor whisperer or something. Where did he learn this skill to train dinosaurs? He used to be in the navy. No, really, that's the explanation in the movie.
#3. Vincent D'Onofrio from Law & Order: Criminal Minds, shows up and his character makes even more outrageous conclusions based on connections between random facts than detective Goren ever did. Remember the episode when detective Goren looked at the murder victim's teeth, determined her gums were flossed more vigorously on the left and therefore she was right handed and couldn't have grabbed the gun during the struggle? Sorry, my mind wondered there. That happened a lot during the movie too.
#4. The main reason the lab has created this monster dinosaur is to keep people interested in the park with new and scaring animals. They claim kids are getting tired of the T-Rex. Um...no. Sorry, I don't buy that. People are still waiting up to a half hour in line to go on the Flying Dumbo ride at Disney.
#5. The only one guarding the cage where the super secret and deadly huge dinosaur is kept is an overweight guard eating a donut. Spoiler: when he and Chris Pratt are running from the dinosaur, he's the one who gets eaten.
#6. After the brothers survive being almost eaten alive and a jump into a ravine, they collapse on the shore and laugh and punch each other in the arms as soft piano music plays. Whhhaat? Shouldn't they be crying and covered in their own sh*t?
#7. While I enjoy Jimmy Fallon, his guest spot was so weird since it took place right before the kids are about to be eaten. It's like the movie couldn't decide if it was scary or funny. The characters seemed to only have two emotions: scared and running or scared and being frozen to the spot, depending on the type of background music.
#8. There is only one helicopter to escape the island.
#9. I think three hundred Starbucks close up shots were enough, don't you?
#10. Dallas Howard's white dress didn't get dirty until the last ten minutes of the movie. The woman is running through the jungle!
BONUS: With all the technology on the island, cell phones and walkie talkies never work when it's crucial to relay information.
What did you think of Jurassic World?