Once Upon A Time, Episode 13, What Happened To Frederick? And Where's My Tylenol?

You're going to need this.
photo credit, coolcanucks.com

Faced with a loveless marriage to Abigail, Prince Charming flees the castle the night before the wedding, but is soon overtaken by a band of creeps wearing hooded cloaks that cover their faces. I'm guessing these are the towns people who are in all the crowd scenes back in Storybrooke.

David and Catherine are sitting at their dinning table, starring in what looks like a commercial for Shake n' Bake Chicken. She tells him that she's been accepted to law school in Boston. David's not so sure about this since it would be tough to pack Mary Margaret in the trunk of the car.

Prince Charming is outnumbered by the anonymous henchmen but is rescued by Catherine...I mean Abigail. She calls off the thugs sent by her father, King Midas. She's going to help him escape because she doesn't want to marry him either.

Mary Margaret insists David has to tell Catherine the truth about their relationship. His awesome plan is to not say anything, and keep having an affair. Mary Margaret says the only way to be fair is to stop seeing each other. He frowns at this turn of events, reasoning Catherine will be hurt.

NOT Schmexy.

Didn't we discuss this the last three or four episodes? And who is Frederick?

The writer pulls up to the pub/diner/laudromat on his motorcycle. He and Emma flirt in their matching leather jackets. I wished the writer was the Sheriff, and the Sheriff was the writer. He tells Emma his name is August Wayne Booth. When you rearrange the letters it spells, I am Lord Voldemort.

Dear ABC,

August is a sad replacement for Schmexy. Can you recast?

Mary Margaret confesses to Emma she's been seeing David, and that he's finally agreed to tell Catherine. Riiiiight, just like the other episodes when he agreed to tell Catherine.

*pushes fingers against temples and wishes for Tylenol.*

Catherine is on her laptop, super excited about moving to Boston. Interestingly enough she and David have never been there, in fact they've both lived in Storybrooke their entire lives. David says he's not ready to move. Then he gets down on one knee and begins to apologize ambiguously. She asks if something is wrong.

He denies anything is wrong and begins stuttering about not being able to connect with her. He tells her she needs a fresh start...without him. Nice one David, that doesn't sound suspicious at all.

Deep in the woods, Abigail helps Prince Charming set up camp. She tells him her heart belongs to someone else...Frederick.

Finally!

“We all have are own tragedies,” Prince Charming says, “and losing a loved one is the worst.”

Hey! What about celiac disease pretty boy!

Abigail confirms her love isn't lost, and she leads him to a golden statue of a knight. Apparently Frederick saved King Midas from an attack by knocking him out of harms way. Since Midas wasn't wearing his special glove, Freddie got touched and went all Goldfinger.

Prince Charming says there is always a way to break a curse, and he suggests true love's kiss. Abigail gives him a line about her bleeding lips.

Ew. TMI.

But there's always a way in fairytale land, and she speaks about a mystical lake guarded by a creature who drowns all who try to take it's healing water. Only this healing water can revive Frederick. Prince Charming promises to do this for her, since at least one of them should be with their true love.

He's still smarting from Snow White's rejection. And who could blame him? She showed up at his bedroom in her tight leather pants and fur cape, and told him she really didn't love him after all. Poor guy, he's so sensitive.

August Wayne Booth, the writer, is busy working on Henry's book, cleaning it and binding it back together. Is it possible he's put in new stories? Is it possible he re-wrote the Sheriff's tale?

*Crosses fingers*

The Mayor gives Henry a hand held video game to cheer him up. She thinks replacing a missing book with a video game is appropriate?! That lady is true evil.

Henry says he doesn't want the game, only more time with Emma. Catherine interrupts the awkward parenting moment and tells the Mayor that David is leaving her.

The Mayor lets it slip that David has been having an affair with Mary Margaret, and that she has pictures to prove it. Annnnd the reason she has pictures is because Sydney, the newspaper editor, is always looking for scandals and happens to be stalking the towns people of Storybrooke.

Seriously? No really, seriously?

The Mayor gets the file she 'buried' in the top drawer of her desk. She says Catherine and David should stay together. Catherine calls her bluff saying no friend would have pictures of her husband having an affair on file.

Yes, I would agree with that.

Mary Margaret calls David and she assumes he's told Catherine the truth. Catherine storms into the school, bumping into a cute gym teacher. He gets a few more seconds of air time then the usual crowd scene actors. I'm guessing this guy will show up again.

Catherine slaps Mary Margaret in the hallway and lets her know David has been lying to both of them.

At the mystic lake, Prince Charming begins to fill his flask. Suddenly bubbles break the surface and a beautiful woman emerges.

August stops outside of the pub/diner/laudromat and invites Emma for a ride and a drink. Ruby and Grandma stare him down. Doesn't he know everyone eats/drinks/and washes their clothes at Ruby's?! Still, he takes Emma to um...a well.

I'm waiting for a frog to hop out with a golden ball in it's mouth.

August informs Emma he always tells the truth, and relays the legend that the well is fed by an underground lake and if you drink the water, something lost to you will be returned.

SCHMEXY!!

Quick! Drink the water, Emma!

Emma thinks he's coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs. He explains that as a writer, he has to have an open mind. He also has to have a day job, unless his book gets made into a movie and then WHAM! NYT Bestseller list, baby.

He hands her a mug of magic water that should probably be tested for Ecoli. Then he begins to quote like he's Mr. Gold. Because of Emma's sceptical nature, he says she needs proof for everything, but if she doesn't start believing, she'll be stuck in one place a long time.

I think that's already happened.

Emma, like so many teens before her, finally breaks under peer pressure and takes a drink.

Mary Margaret walks down the sidewalk and notices people talking about her. Even Granny tells her she should be ashamed of herself. That's a bit rich considering what she let's Ruby get away with.

Prince Charming stands at the edge of the shore, talking with the Siren of the lake. She tries to seduce him by taking the form of Snow White. He knows she's an illusion, but he still kisses her and drops his sword into the water. She smiles back and leads him into the water. He stops and says that he wants the real thing or nothing at all...even if it means having an affair behind his wife's back.

But it's too late and he's dragged into the water, unable to fight off the plants bounding him to the bottom. He's surrounded by the skulls of former thirsty travellers and sees a glint of metal between the rocks—his sword. When the Siren kisses him for the last time, he stabs her.

Mary Margaret finds David and confronts him. He reasons he didn't tell Catherine the truth is because he wanted to spare her feelings. But Mary Margaret explains (again!) that his lies are hurting everyone.

Is this an After School Special? Lies=hurt.

David tries to convince her that they have true love. She tells him it's not love if it's totally destructive, and she breaks up with him (again!).

Emma brushes leaves off her car and finds the rusty red box in a puddle on the street. It contains Henry's book! August watches from the corner, and I'm convinced more than ever that Schmexy would have been great in this part.

Catherine shows up at the Mayor's office. She uses the pictures of Mary Margaret and David to prove that her marriage was fake. She confesses she doesn't love David, and that after ten or so hours, she's accepted he will never be hers. She plans to move to Boston to find her own Prince Charming.

Wow, that was fast. Someone's been watching Dr. Phil.

She's all smiles and tells the Mayor not to worry about loose ends because she's left a letter for David, giving her blessing to his true love affair with Mary Margaret.

Gee, I sure hope he gets that letter. That will solve everything.

Abigail stands by her gold boyfriend polishing his bits—sorry. Prince Charming arrives and gives her the flask of healing water. She happily takes his offering not at all surprised he's the one guy who ever beat the Siren.

She pours the water over the suit of armor and it begins to move. She flips up his helmet and what do you know...it's the cute gym teacher.

Gimme' twenty push-ups!

He thanks Prince Charming for saving him. Most people would reply with, “you're welcome.” But Prince Charming leaves us with a little tidbit, “True love isn't easy,” he tells them, “but it must be fought for because once you find it, it can never be replaced.”

How on earth is he going to find Snow White? Fairytale land is covered with woods. He proclaims he will look for a bird because that's what led him to her the first time.

Um...actually she ambushed his carriage, but whatever.

The Mayor uses her creepy ring of keys and enters David's house. In a shocking turn of events I didn't see coming, she takes the letter.

Note to self, never tell the Mayor your plans.

At school, Henry sits on a bench playing his video game. Emma arrives and gives him the book. He's so excited. They talk about dump trucks and sewers and how their luck is changing. Operation Cobra is back on!

Whoo-hoo!

Prince Charming arrives at the field by the little cottage and starts screaming out Snow White's name. This is the worst way to attract a bird, but hey, no one from ABC has contacted me yet, so...yeah.

Little Red Ridding Hood emerges from the thrushes with an empty basket in her hand. It's like she's waiting for baby Moses to show up. She tells Prince Charming that Snow White really does love him and that she must have lied to him at the castle.

Prince Charming realizes his father—the guy who bought his twin brother when he was an infant and then forced him to take his place after he died—must have threatened Snow White. Right on cue a band of knights gallop over the hill. Prince Charming and Little Red Riding Hood take off on his horse.

Mary Margaret is crying on her flowered pillow. Emma arrives and tries to console her.

Catherine drives out of the city. The escalating tempo of the music let us know something bad is about to happen.

The gym teacher happens to be on the same stretch of highway and finds Catherine's car off the road just in front of the Storybrooke town limits sign.

If none of them can leave the city, why do they even drive on that road? *Presses fingers to temples*

He looks inside, but the car is empty.

And the Mayor? What wickedly horrible thing is she doing to manipulate the town folk in her latest scheme? She burns Catherine's letter. That's it. She burns the letter.

Excuse me! She crushed Schmexy's heart, killing him on the spot, and all she does this time is burn a letter!?!?

Get my Tylenol!

Predictions for the next episode. The gym teacher goes into the woods and finds Mr. Gold hobbling around on his cane. They exchange quotes about dirty shoes and how you can never feel right in anyone else's sneakers. David and Mary Margaret share awkward glances across the street, but not much else happens. Henry discovers the new music teacher is a guy with a flute who moonlights as the town exterminator.

What do you think the writer is really up to?