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| Snow White, Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood walk into a bar... |
A weary King studies a map, surrounded by regally robed royals saying that war is imminent. One particular handsome fellow asks the King if he's on his way. Then a beautiful girl in a yellow ball gown (who looks like the pregnant chick from LOST), keeps everyone's hopes alive by saying he could be on his way.
Why is there always an imminent war going on in fairytale land? How many frickin' provinces/counties/kingdoms are there? And who is this mystery man who will save them all?
*Crosses fingers and hopes for Schmexy and an army of wolves to bound through the door*
Alas, it's Rumpelstiltskin. He tells the King he can offer them protection, thereby changing the imminent war to a doubtful, not very likely to happen, kind of a war. In return for this favor, Rumpelstiltskin asks for the beautiful girl. Everyone gags at his request, but he clarifies he's not looking for love—only someone to take care of his vast property. If you read that sentence again, it does sound like he's looking for love. *giggles*
Shocking the room full of regally robed royals, the beautiful girl accepts his offer. Her Australian accent comes out and suddenly, the King is Irish, and the handsome fellow is her French fiance, Gaston. Rumpelstiltskin smiles his grimy grin and takes her away.
In Storybrooke, Mr. Gold is doing a little debt collecting by repossessing the delivery truck of the local florist, aka the King. Oh no, all those roses can't be delivered! How can Mr. Gold sleep at night? First he turns peasants into creepy dolls, and now this. Doe his cruelty know no bounds?
As usual, The Mayor shows up and confronts him with ambiguous questions. But, as usual, he gives her an ambiguous brush off. All this ambiguity is giving me a headache. *looks for Tylenol*
Mary Margaret and David are eating at opposite sides of the diner/pub/laundromat. Emma shows up and asks how Henry is doing in school. I'm guessing he's busy catching up on all the other days he's missed since the show started.
Also, isn't it usually snowy in Maine in February? At least Emma is wearing a hat. And for the record, Ruby needs a new pair of short shorts. I get it, she likes make-up and revealing clothing. Give her a storyline, already!
Ashley is there with her baby, reminding us she's actually Cinderella. She mentions Valentine's Day will be no fun for her, since Sean (her Prince) is working double shifts at the Cannery. Heck, there isn't even time to get married.
Emma gets word the alarm is going off in Mr. Gold's house. She arrives to investigate but finds Mr. Gold is already there. He tells her someone broke in and that some things are missing. He asks her to question the florist.
Right, *rolls eyes* since that's his only enemy in town.
Rumpelstiltskin takes the beautiful girl back to his place and shows her his vast property. *giggles* But they pass through the nice rooms and he locks her up in the dungeon instead.
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| photo credit, disney-clipart.com |
Hey! Where's the singing armoire?
The beautiful girl now spends her days serving Rumpelstiltskin. He tells her a ghoulish lie about skinning children and she drops the china cup, chipping it. She becomes more shaken, trying to explain herself. He shrugs and tells her to chill out, it's only cup. Then she smiles and tells him her name is Belle.
Angela Lansbury peeks out from behind the curtain and starts to sing, Tale as old as time...
Rumpelstiltskin shows off for Belle at his spinning wheel, cracking jokes like he's the finalist on 'Last Comic Standing.' She graduates from smiling to laughing. While trying to open the heavy velvet drapes, she falls off the ladder and he catches her in his arms.
Song as old as rhyme...
Emma calls Mr. Gold to the Sheriff's office and unveils all his stolen stuff, but he's nervous—something is still missing. Could if be those creepy dolls? Perhaps the spool from his spinning wheel. A spell to bring back Schmexy? *crosses fingers*
Rumpelstiltskin and Belle share a moment and she asks him about child's clothing she found in the forbidden west wing...sorry, I added that last part. He tells her once had a son, but lost him. Frankly, I'm not surprised, that castle is so big, that poor boy could be anywhere.
Suspicious, he thinks she's trying to find out his weakness. A knock at the castle door reveals Belle's French fiance, Gaston, ready with a sword to win her back. Rumpelstiltskin snaps his fingers and turns him into a rose and presents it to Belle.
With the soft romantic music cue to let us know a tender moment is about to be shared between the two characters, Belle expresses how she always dreamed about being brave enough to leave home and travel the world. She says, “Do the brave thing and bravery will follow.” This also works with stupidity.
Belle admits Gaston was an arranged marriage. She says love is a mystery to be uncovered. I think Belle has been roaming too many quote sites on Google. Rumpelstiltskin softens a bit and asks her to fetch hims some straw in town. She realizes he's giving her freedom. He promises to tell his whole story if she returns.
At the bar, Ruby and Ashley enjoy martinis with Mary Margaret. Oh my, the Brothers Grimm are rolling in their graves.
David is buying cheap Valentine's cards at the store for his wife and mistress. Mr. Gold sees him and offers his quote of the day. Love is a delicate flame, he begins, then I tune out, blah, blah, blah.
Hold on! There's the stuffed-up pharmacist again! See the Hanzel and Gretel episode here. Why is the pharmacist always suffering from a cough/cold? Hey...is he Sneezy?
Dear Jane Espenson at ABC,
Do I at least get a point for that one?
We find out Mr. Gold has the florist duct tapped in the back of the van, surrounded by dying flowers. Is the missing item the rose?
Mr. Gold forces him into the handy abandoned cabin in the woods, saying he normally doesn't let people get away.
On her way to get straw for her captor, Belle is passed by the Evil Queen's tribute to AC/DC's 'Back In Black' tour. Always looking for the next opportunity, she stops her carriage of death and walks with Belle for awhile, explaining the finer points of the Stockholm Syndrome.
The Evil Queen says all curses can be broken. She gives Belle the idea a kiss could change Rumpelstiltskin. Belle asks if a kiss is enough to make him a man?
For some guys, yes. Others need a new mustang convertible.
The Evil Queen whispers with a wicked smile that true love's kiss will break any curse.
Well, except for Snow White and Prince Charming. And Schmexy and Emma. And Ashley and Sean. And whoever Ruby is kissing these days. *takes Tylenol*
Belle returns to the castle to a shocked Rumpelstiltskin. She reminds him he promised to tell her his story. She wiggles closer and asks about his son.
He tells her he lost him...on a plane from Sydney, Australia. It crashed on an island inhabited by people who called themselves, 'the others.' Sorry, I digress.
Belle kisses him, and hey what do you know? Rumpelstiltskin starts to lose his golden flecks and begins to turn back into an ordinary man.
Just a little change. Small to say the least. Both a little scared, neither one prepared. Beauty and the Beast...
He's stunned for a moment, then becomes furious that he's losing his power. Convinced Belle is working with the Evil Queen to defeat him, he locks her up in the dungeon again.
Angela Landsbury thows a fit and storms out of the castle.
Mr. Gold threatens the florist demanding to know where it is and who told him to take it. It? It? Ambiguity runs amok! Just say, rose, okay! Mr. Gold beats him with his cane, screaming accusations that he locked her up. Emma arrives and stops the assault.
In the castle, Rumpelstiltskin breaks all his china, except the cup she broke earlier, you know the one with the chip.
Oh! Light bulb moment. It's not a rose he's looking for, it's the broken cup.
At the bar Ashley is bummed and missing Sean. She asks Mary Margaret what's the point of loving someone if you can't be with them? Mary Margaret agrees it's a terrible burden, thinking of her own sticky situation.
Sean arrives, and we know it's him because the name tag on his overalls is SEAN.
Um...who's looking after the baby?
He gives her flowers, then kneels down and proposes. This is just like the last scene in An Officer and a Gentleman...well almost.
Ashley says yes and he offers her a twenty minute ride in his truck. Seriously, I didn't make that up. That's the actual line he says. And it works!
Mary Margaret leaves the bar, and David arrives with his cheap Valentine's card. She opens it up and sees Catherine's name. David does his usual stupid shrug and goofy grin. Mary Margaret grows a spine and says she can't see him like this anymore.
His super awesome response is, “you're right, but we'll find a way.” Prince Charming sucks big time.
Emma needs some answers so she gives Mr. Gold her best cold, hard stare, knowing he's defenceless against it—that and the fact he can't stop talking ambiguously. But he denies saying anything about a girl being locked up. Finally, she arrests him and slaps on the cuffs.
Rumpelstiltskin visits Belle in the dungeon and lets her go, for good this time. She tells him he could have happiness if he only believed someone wanted him, and that he's a coward for turning his back on true love. He tells her his power means more to him than she does.
What does she expect? She kissed him and now he's real man. *ba-da-bump*
Belle tells him he's going to regret his choice forever. Now all he has left is an empty heart and a chipped cup. She sounds like the latest girl to get dropped from The Bachelor, except for the chipped cup part.
Mr. Gold is in jail and reminds Emma (and us) she still owes him a favor. The Mayor shows up with Henry and let's Emma take him out for ice cream. Once alone, The Mayor and Mr. Gold face off. She admits to paying the florist to break into his house and that she has what he wants.
In return for the thing they keep speaking about ambiguously, she demands his real name. Things get very quiet in the Sheriff's office. And for the first time the talk about fairytale land.
He grins and says Rumpelstiltskin. The Mayor opens her purse and teases him with the chipped cup. He cradles the china and reminds her he's the one with the power, and that nothing between them will change.
Game on!
The Evil Queen walks in on Rumpelstiltskin spinning. They start talking about a certain mermaid and I realize this series could go on forever. She pours herself a cup of tea and talks about Belle, mentioning how tragic things ended. Once Belle returned home, her father claimed she was damaged goods because of her association with Rumpelstiltskin. Since Gaston had vanished, no other man who marry her. The King hid Belle in a tower, forcing her to undergo cleansing by various shamans/clergy.
Ew. Yuck. Repeat.
Eventually, she went mad and jumped to her death.
Rumpelstiltskin finally cries.
The Mayor goes to the hospital and enters a code on a locked door, gaining access to a secret passageway. A Nurse sits at a desk, looking unimpressed. The Mayor smiles and gives her a rose.
Aw, that's so nice. Nurses don't get enough credit...or money.
The Mayor's high heels click all the way to the end of the hallway. She peeks in the last room and we see Belle, huddled in the corner.
*Hangs head* I was hoping the Sheriff was in a coma.
Predictions for next week...
Ruby will wear the same short shorts even though everyone else is in scarfs and mittens. In a fit of frustration Mary Margaret keeps the whole class for detention, demoralizing the complete works of Hans Christian Anderson. Deeply in love with Mary Margaret, David decides to finally leave his wife, then he changes his mind and makes a sandwich instead.
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