Tuesday, 6 August 2013

The Bachelorette, Season 9, The Finale Part Two "Twenty Minutes of Content In Two Hours"


*Hits fast forward and skips first five minutes of show*

The host talks to a live studio audience and we watch Des deal with the fallout from the Brookster skipping out on the love train.

What will Des do?

Cry, actually.


She has an interview with the host in her tropical location. It goes basically like this for the next ten minutes.

The host: Asks a question.

Des: cries

The host: asks another questioned

Des: cries


The host points out to Des that there are two guys who signed up for the show and have told Des they love her. So...?

Des says, “My heart is broken, but my spirit isn't.”

Translation: I'm ready to keep this free tropical vacation going.

Chris and Drew arrive for the rose ceremony and the host makes the obvious observation that Brooks is not part of their trio anymore. Des comes out and tells them Brooks went home on his own. The guys fight the instinct to high five each other.

Des weeps and begs them to tell her if they have any feelings about going home.

Are you kidding? Chris and Drew are so in love, they'd probably marry each other at this point.

Drew tells us, “I'll never leave Desiree.”

Well, if she chooses Chris that could be awkward.

The host goes through the live studio audience asking all the ladies their opinions. At least that's what I think he was saying, I fast forwarded through that part too.

Des has her last date with Drew before he meets her parents. She tells us, “I hope to fall in love with Drew as much as I love Brooks.”

I have a feeling this will be Des' answer for everything.

The host: Say, Des, how are your nachos?

Des: They're good, but I wish I loved them as much as I love Brooks.

She and Drew go horseback riding to the beach, but she's just not feeling the love. What she is feeling is weepy. In a scene straight from last week's episode, Des begins to cry as she tells Drew that she can't see them having a future together.

Translation: I don't love you as much as Brooks...or nachos.

Drew: “Um...I don't know....I didn't see this coming...”

Des: “I'm so sorry.”

Drew: “Don't be sorry. You can't control who you fall in love with. This hurts, and I don't know when it will really sink in, but...I guess this is good-bye.” Then he hugs her and says, “I hope you find your happiness.”

Way to go Brooks, you selfish bastard. How many hearts does Brooks have to be responsible for breaking?!

Des has narrowed it down to Chris. When they meet for their last date, there's a totally different vibe. She's smiling and kissing him, so yeah, already better than Drew's date. Then Chris mentions he has a BIG shoulder for her to cry on.

There's more kissing, more sailing, more little giggles, and of course more drinking.

Brooks who?

Des tells us, “I'm just going to trust my heart, and let my heart decide what it needs.”

I have the same theory about potato chips, except it's my stomach that I let decide.

Des asks Chris to meet her family. He has a gift for her. It's a journal. And Surprise! There's a poem written in the back. Des starts to cry because she feels so lucky.

*hits fast forward*

FYI: I've watched approximately twenty minutes of this two hour show.

In the live audience are past players, sorry I mean contestants of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I was still fast forwarding at this point. I couldn't tell you what they said, but it was probably something like this, “I wish people still cared about who I was kissing.”

Chris meets Des' family...including her awesome brother who I totally dig for his straight up logic in this whole silly mess.

He doesn't pull any punches, but Chris answers his questions as honestly as he can. Chris then meets with Des' dad and he asks for her hand in marriage...you know, just in case.

Des sits down with her brother, ready for his brutally honest critique. He asks if she wants this guy FOREVER. She says yes, and he tells her he likes Chris.

Then he asks her about Brooks. Amazingly, Des doesn't cry. However it plants a seed of doubt.

*Cue the sad piano music*

Chris picks out a diamond ring, unaware that Drew has been kicked off the island. Des gets dressed up and she begins to cry...again. “I don't have a clue what I'm going to do. I have to tell Chris the truth about Brooks, I have no idea what he's going to do.”

Write a poem?

                                                  Henry Cavill looking like Chris' older brother

Des waits on the proposal platform. Chris enters looking like Henry Cavill's little brother. He gives her a long practiced speech about all the fun they've had together and something about a future...blah, blah, blah.

He's about to get down on his knee when she stops him. Des drops the bombshell that she let Drew go home, and that Brooks leaving tore apart her heart.

Then she says, “I was so blindsided by my feelings for Brooks, that I couldn't see that the one thing I needed was right in front of me.”

The birds sing, the violins start, then they both sniff and cry.

Chris finally gets down on his knee and proposes.

Hooray! It's over!!!

P.S. Des joined the host on stage for the live show, but I turned off the TV. I hope you understand.

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