Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"
What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?
Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).
Omen for The Charmings
A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.
Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds
Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.
Ex-squeeze me? Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?
Race To Find The Author
Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.
Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.
Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.
Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"
Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.
How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”
What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.
While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.
Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.
While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.
Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.
Babies Gone Bad
Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.
Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.
Newsflash, it's called puberty.
Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.
Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?
Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.
Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.
Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.
Where is Nova, anyway?
And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.
The Author Appears!
Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.
But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...
Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.
Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.
But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.
Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.
Too bad everyone's still asleep.