The Bachelorette Season 8, episode 5 "London Is So Cool."

Smurfette and the gang head for London, England—and of course Ricki does too. This is the best way to get a free family vacation isn't it?

photo credit, cueentertainment.com

The ten hopeful smurfs show up in Trafalgar Square and the Host reminds them that only one of them will end up being Emily's husband. Duh! Although considering the shows track record, we know that's not exactly written in stone.

Sean gets to go on a one-on-one date with Emily. She says she's super stoked to be spending the day with Sean because he's so cute AND sweet. As they ride on a double decker bus, Sean points to a buildings and says, “Cool.” Emily tells him the cool building is Westminster Abbey. He continues to say, 'cool' about landmarks that even my eight-year-old son would recognize.

They take pictures of themselves kissing in front of other 'cool' buildings. After a picnic in the park they stumble into a 'speakers corner'. Sean manages to get up on a crate and orates about true love.

When asked, most people will say that public speaking is their greatest fear. So, well done, Sean.

Holy crap are they having dinner at the Tower of London!? Without any line ups!? Seriously, this show is the best way to do London. Emily's voice is sounding all 1-900ish. I think she's getting a cold. That means at least a few guys will also have the sniffles in a few days. Over supper Emily gives Sean a history lesson about Henry VIII having eight wives and that he beheaded two of them. It looked like Sean's own head was going to explode with all the history and math combined.

Back at the house the boys learn they are going on a group date. Kalon is super pissy and it's so hilarious. I vote him for the next Bachelor because that would be epic!

Sean and Emily talk about how many kids they would like to have. I'm guessing he gets a rose. Yup. And they make out with Tower Bridge in the background.

What is with these two posing like a Harlequin cover?

Emily's London Vacation
photo credit, BarnesandNoble.com

The group date consists of the boys acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Secretly it's all about which guy doesn't mind being made fun of. However, Kalon didn't get that memo and tackles the part like it's Oscar time. Each of the guys declare they are willing to do anything for Emily.

Hmm...you mean like take a free vacation to London? Yeah, real tough, guys. What about having to slay a dragon?!? I miss Once Upon A Time.

Travis, Mother Goose *honk* is the biggest goofball. That's because he has nothing to lose. *cough* mole *cough*

Kalon feels the pressure of needing to be the best actor so he can get a rose. With that in mind he shoos Emily away as he and Ryan rehearse. Note to Kalon—Emily likes to be the center of attention, not being told to leave the area.

Kalon is up first in the balcony scene. And even this soundtrack can't give him any groove. The guys do various lines from the play and I'm not sure what happened because I fell asleep. When I wake up, Ryan is leaning over Emily in the death scene and he kisses her. And kisses her. And kisses her. Like with moving lips and everything.

Of course everyone knows the test for true love is to make-out in front of the other guys you may want to marry.

The second part of the date starts with everyone enjoying a pint and then one by one they have a little alone time with Emily. I hope Emily knows it's not good to mix cold medication with alcohol. After she kisses Arie, she meets with Ryan and he gives her a necklace...a really little necklace. Doesn't he know size matters?

The scene that ABC has been teasing us with for the last two weeks AND at every commercial break tonight finally happens. Kalon refers to Ricki as baggage and the other guys practically dance on the spot, secretly gleeful that Mr. Hot Shot is on the hot seat.

SDD (Single Dad Doug) tells Emily and she calls out Kalon in front of the other smurfs. Anyone who refers to Ricki as baggage doesn't deserve to have a free trip to London. How does a debutante say the 'f' word? In a bedazzled mini-dress and leather jacket, that's how! Kalon exits stage right...for good.

No one messes with Emily!
photo credit, ugo.com

Emily ends the evening by wondering why none of these possible future husbands didn't go all Spartacus and whip the snot out of Kalon.

Emily and Ricki talk in their luxury hotel room. Ricki says her favorite thing about London is Buckingham Palace where the King and the dragon live. She and Sean have a lot in common.

Jef, yes that's with only one 'f', is granted a solo date of afternoon tea. They get an etiquette lesson from an English lady who makes Kalon look like Mr. Cozy. They ditch the fancy sandwiches and opt for fish and chips at a local pub. Jef tells her that if Ricki is baggage then she's a Chloe handbag. I can tell he Googled that. Whatever, Jef's still not making it to the final.

They have champagne and parfaits at their own table in the London Eye. Again...what a great way to get a free vacation! Emily says she's tired of always being the single girl. A single girl who has a walk-in closet, awesome wardrobe, financially set, gets free vacations, gorgeous, has everyone in love with her, always the center of attention...etc.

Jef gets another rose and they walk along the Thames. With Big Ben in the background Jef and Emily kiss and get their own book cover moment.

During the cocktail party before the rose ceremony Emily brings Kalon up with each guy and lets them know she needs a hero.

She's holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
*backup singers sing do-do-do*

Meanwhile, Ryan exhausts our patience with his acting, however his thespian scarf works and he gets some kissing time at the top of the stairs.

Sean tells Emily he would have thrown Kalon out on his ass, they kiss and Emily tells us she feels butterflies in her heart—sounds like atrial fibrillation to me.

The Host does the math for us, seven smurfs-six roses=one cab ride to Heathrow. Emily gives out five roses then pauses...Sweet Joe Jezzer! The Host comes out from behind the curtain and announces there is only one rose left. And of course it's for Arie. Alejandro goes home, fighting the tears.

But not Mother Goose *honk*! That's right. It's waaaay too early for the mole to go home.

Who do you think is next? And where will the test for true love take Ricki and her mom next week?

Cheers!

Top Five Ways To Pretend You're At Book Expo America

Okay, first of all BEA should stand for Books, Editors and Agents. Everyone at BEA is either one of those things, or wants to be one of those things. Yes, some people want to be their favorite book *stares back* you know who you are.

Dude, where's the bathroom?
photo credit, publishingtrendsetter.com

And if you're like me, this week on twitter has been a total jealousy-fest. Seriously, it's free books, shmoozing, and Alex Pettyfer—sorry I was checking to see if you're still reading. Even without Alex BEA is pretty amazing...or at least I imagine.

I'm not one to dwell on the negative uglies that invade my otherwise content day to day philosophy, so I've developed some coping strategies to help me get through the rest of the week. And it's been so successful I'd like to share them with you. Here are the top five ways to pretend you're at BEA.

1. Use your drivers license to make your own lanyard with shoelaces and scotch tape. This must be worn ALL week, even in the shower.

2. Take a big tote bag to the library, fill it up with hardcovers, then invite all the librarians out for martinis.

3. Go to the biggest bookstore, make a fort with all the pretty new releases, and then take pictures with your iPhone.

Awesome!
photo credit, vi.sualize.us

4. With one of your favorite books under your arm, wait in line at the DMV, then ask the teller to sign Veronica Roth's name on the inside cover.

5. Stand all day in really cute but really uncomfortable shoes, discussing the pros and cons of e-books while complaining how dehydrated you are. (too many martinis)

And because I'm so bad at math, here's a bonus...

Repeat phrases like, "OMG, I met you on twitter!"  "I totally love your cover." "Can I borrow a pen?" "Her sweater set rocks!"

Do you have any other ideas for surviving BEA week as an outsider?

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 4 "It's Smurfy To Be Rich"

Emily Maynard, not exactly as shown
photo credit, dragoart.com

Smurfette and the gang go to sunny Bermuda—oh yeah, and Ricki goes too.

SDD (Single Dad Doug) finds out he's been picked to go on a solo date. Is there any other kind, you ask. Why yes, in this show there is, but more about that later.

Before Emily swings by to pick up her latest fella, SDD and Chris have a few words about who is better daddy material. I'm guessing since Doug is already a dad and almost ten years older than Chris, he gets the nod in that direction.

But who cares? The most important thing is what is Emily going to wear on this date. Have you noticed the amount of jewelry this chick travels with?

Anywho, Emily and SDD travel around beautiful St. George. He says all the right stuff and cuddles her like a champ. BINGO! He gets the date rose.

The next day the guys are taken to the marina where they gets sailing lessons. Why? So they can race each other for more time with Emily, of course!

As a team, Arie, Jeff, Ryan and Kalen 'win' more time with Emily on a beach. Jeff and his Rick Astley hair, have some alone time with Emily, which earns him ANOTHER date rose. Yes folks, Jeff is two for two, and they still haven't kissed.

He needs to take her to the skateboard park and show her his sweet moves.

Jeff, not exactly as shown
photo credit, uptownskateschool.com

Since this is Emily's Bermuda vacation, the next date is a two-on-one, starting at the Fairmont Hamilton Princess Resort. I think it's important for Nate and John to realize they will never stay anywhere as luxurious as this for the rest of their lives.

Who cares about getting a rose? Take the bathrobes, Dudes!

Emily takes Nate and John spelunking. There is nothing more awkward than two guys and a girl having dinner at a set table inside a cave. Everyone says, “cool” about three hundred times, which, if you're wondering, is two hundred and ninety-nine times too many. I wish I was watching The Goonies instead.

photo credit, themoviesnob.net

Emily and Nate wander off and have champagne among the stalagmites and stalactites. The difference between a stalactite is that it grows from the ceiling, whereas a stalagmite grows from the ground. Meanwhile, Nate tears up as he tells Emily how amazing and cool his family and friends are.

Like I was saying, stalactite is spelled with a 'c' so remember 'ceiling'. Stalagmite is spelled with a 'g' so think 'ground'.

Now Emily and John are having drinks in another part of the cave. John confesses he hasn't pushed to get her attention and just wants to be himself around her—you know, like in a cave with copious amounts of alcohol.

Emily ends up giving the rose to John and I suspect Nate isn't 'cool' with that. She said he's mature and endearing but, seriously, she wants to hook up with a guy who can make it through a sentence without tearing up.

Bye, Nate.

Emily does ten seconds of homework with Ricki on the balcony of their hotel suite in Bermuda. Hey, Ricki, can you spell concubine?

Emily says she's serious about looking for a husband who can be a father for Ricki. That's something you should spend at least thirty days considering.

We've finally made it to the night of the rose ceremony. Congratulations we've all aged ten years.

I think Emily is using this show to showcase her jewelry and clothes. It would be very savvy of her to open her own on-line shop. Want the necklace she wore on tonight's episode? Me too! Hurry up with the on-line store already!

Did you see Jeff's knee socks?! What the heck?

While Ryan meets with Emily, the other guys tear him apart. Cat fight! Arie arrives and Emily slips away with him for some nice, happy times. Ryan chats it up with ponytail guy, and mentions maybe doing The Bachelor next season.

Wha??? Um...okay. What kind of loser would go on one show then sign up for...oh, never mind.

The guys continue to speed swoon Emily in order to get a rose. And why do they do this? So they can speed swoon her the next week. Let's hurry this up. We all know she's going to knock it down to Sean and Arie.

All the guys who haven't kissed Emily talk about how they're above the physical part of the competition, oops sorry, I mean the show.

SDD and Chris have it out by the pool side as they bare their chests to determine who is better father material. Didn't we see this already? The others watch from the windows as these two have the most confusing conversation.

Notice how Mother Goose hung around as if he was supposed to report back to someone. *cough* mole *cough*

The rose ceremony lasts for three commercial breaks. Do you remember which kind of formation grows from the ceiling of a cave? Yes, that's right! A stalactite.

Emily tells the Host she's worried because all the guys are so sweet, and she doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings. She also talks about how the two-on-one date took a lot out of her. *insert dirty joke here*

Finally, the freakin' flower show can start. Emily gives the first two roses to Arie and Sean. Shocking! *rolls eyes* And then Mother Goose. *wink*

Also picked are Mr. Hot Shot, (cue the helicopter sound effect) and the last rose goes to....Alejandro.

Chris and the guy with the long hair are gone. They do their post-dump interview and silently weep by the pool side. Come on guys! You got a trip to Bermuda. Suck it up.

Who is Smurfette going to kick out of the village next?

Will Jeff be able to grow a moustache by next week?

Also, have you noticed that Arie is Eari spelled differently?

The Most Dangerous Place In Canada



photo credit, ypls.ca


I'm lucky enough to be spending a few days in Ottawa this weekend. 

Psst...Ottawa is the capital of Canada.

I had the morning to myself and since the weather was perfect for walking, I left my hotel and strolled up Bank Street, heading north to Parliament Hill.

Even though this isn't my first visit to the Government buildings, the complex with it's stonework and steeple rooftops still evokes a wide eye sense of wonder from me. When my own kids saw it for the first time, they thought it was Hogwarts.

 

Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
photo credit, wired.com



Parliament, Not as much fun as Hogwarts
photo credit, mayorcourt.ca







I walked by several groups of Junior High School students gathered around the Centennial Flame. Each teen had a sheet of paper, probably checking off items on some kind of 'history of politics' scavenger hunt.

Centennial Flame
photo credit, parliamenthill.gc.ca

On the other side of the lawn, a guy was protesting gay marriage. In Canada we believe and support gay marriage—but we don't support gay divorce, it messes up the statistics.

Anyway, this guy was just standing there in front of a few signs and was wearing some kind of poncho/Snuggie contraption that he'd sewn himself out of his province's flags. I won't embarrass anyone by saying which province because I totally adore Newfoundland and I have family there.

I continued along the pathway and up the stone steps, deciding to settle on a bench in front of the main building. From this vantage point I was able to enjoy the full height of the beautiful clock tower, admiring the rich patinae of the copper roof. Across the green expanse of the grounds, workers were planting red and white flowers. The sun was shining on my face and a Starling was making a nest in a nearby shrub.

Seriously. What was the news going to be about tonight? Everything was so peaceful.

And I realized this was a rare and precious thing. I was suddenly thankful to live in a country where I could be this close to the Prime Minister without fear of being attacked or threatened. The usual RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) vehicles were parked at various spots, but mostly it was a lawn covered with teenagers writing on their laps, tourists with cameras, and a quietly protesting guy wearing a homemade moo-moo.



photo credit, en.wikipedia.com



Feeling particularly patriotic, I began to hum O'Canada as I pulled out my walking map, plotting a course to make my way toward the Museum of Nature.

And that's when it happened.

Have you ever had your hair suddenly pulled from behind? It's surprising (especially when you're not expecting it). I felt a sharp stab on the top of my head and I heard myself shreke—yes I shrieked. I whipped around, holding up my hand as a shield, but no one was there. I turned and saw a Starling fly back into the shrubs. Are you kidding me?!

Me, not exactly, on Parliament Hill
photo credit, collider.com

A man in a suit passed me in the opposite direction, looking sympathetic. He said, “That bird got me twice this week.”

I laughed and did my best to smooth out my hair while trying to inconspicuously get the hell out of there. Pain takes a back seat to embarrassment every time. I walked down Elgin Street not exactly enjoying the irony of the moment.

In the Bird Exhibit at the Museum, I stared down at the stuffed version of a Starling, in particular it's long sharp beak. Apparently they're very territorial. No kidding. My fingers found the throbbing spot under my hair and I was grateful no bird poo was there. Trust me, bird poo in the hair is no party—but that's another post.

THE COLLECTOR Cover Reveal!!!

It's my pleasure to help the awesome and talented Victoria Scott reveal the very hot cover for her debut YA novel, THE COLLECTOR.

Dante Walker is flippin’ awesome, and he knows it. His good looks, killer charm, and stellar confidence have made him one of hell’s best—a soul collector. His job is simple, weed through humanity and label those round rears with a big red good or bad stamp. Old Saint Nick gets the good guys, and he gets the fun ones. Bag-and-tag.

Sealing souls is nothing personal. Dante’s an equal opportunity collector and doesn’t want it any other way. But he’ll have to adjust, because Boss Man has given him a new assignment: Collect Charlie Cooper’s soul within 10 days.

Dante doesn’t know why Boss Man wants Charlie, nor does he care. This assignment means only one thing to him, and that’s a permanent ticket out of hell. But after Dante meets the quirky, Nerd Alert chick he’s come to collect—he realizes this assignment will test his abilities as a collector, and uncover emotions deeply buried.

Victoria Scott is a YA writer with a die-hard affection for dark and humorous books. Her work is represented by the fabulous Laurie McLean of Larsen-Pomada literary agency. She has a master’s degree in marketing, and is a member of the Writers’ League of Texas and Teen Shiver.

Her first YA book, THE COLLECTOR, will be published by Entangled Teen in 2013. And her short story, FOUR HOUSES, is available now through Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 3, “Who's Your Daddy?”



Chris, bobble head or wolf?

Chris is invited to go on the solo date with Emily. He sees the ropes and buckles and gets nervous, but wait it's not 50 Shades of Grey, it's just rock climbing. Chris has great eyes, but they also freak me out a bit. Does anyone else think they look like wolf eyes?

Never mind. Sorry, my mind wanders while these two compete for lamest compliments. He says she looks good in a harness—maybe he has read 50 Shades? Then she comes back with the very witty, “You're so cute.” Like a million times.

After the climb they go to a concert and get to dance on stage. How original. Anyone else noticing a theme?

For the next day, Emily takes a group of guys to the park—but not everyone, right Mr. Hot Shot? Oh, and isn't he just pissy about that!

What begins as touch football turns into Where The Wild Things Are, as kids are unleashed on the unsuspecting guys. After all, you're not just competing for special naked hugs with Emily, you need to be Ricki's new daddy as well.

This makes me wonder what Emily will plan to do with a man in her Pink Palace of Perfection. What about his framed picture of dogs playing poker? And where will they put his baseball trophies from High School? And don't forget about that orange road cone he's converted into a lamp. Something to think about y'all.

Back at the park that sneaky Emily has enlisted her southern sisters to help weed out the losers of this pack. Again, I would have suggested the spinach-in-the-teeth-thing, but these debutantes have another plan. One actually said, “We're here for the right reasons.” Which would be to get themselves on television and talk with guys who normally wouldn't care what they think.

One friend told Emily she thought Sean (the blond insurance guy) was a genetic gift to the world. Whaa??? If he had the cure for cancer encoded into his DNA, then yes, I'd agree with her.

Ryan with the bad hair, is still riding the wave of butterflies since he was Emily's first solo date. He tells her he'd still love her if she was fat.

Hey fellas,

Here's another tip from your Aunt Bethany. Never, ever, ever, say your lady's name and the word fat in the same sentence. Even if NOT is in there, all she'll hear is her name plus 'fat'. Got it? Good. Don't be stupid like Ryan with the bad hair.

Sean and single dad Doug (SDD) are clearly the winners this date, scoring points with both the friends and Emily.

After the guys survive the park date, they lounge in a room full of pillows like a bunch of genies trapped in a bottle. Emily changes into her evening group date make-up and outfit—even Barbie would have closet envy.

Emily takes Sean have some alone time. He brags about his wonderful parents and how they're still in love. Whoa! Red flag! No one wants to talk about their parents going on dates because that means kissing that leads to sex. And parents having sex is totally gross.

Single dad Doug, or SDD (which is different than STD) explains about his life growing up in foster homes. His own dad was also a single father, but one night he died in his sleep. SDD and his sister became orphans and were separated a few times to live with different families. Holy Oliver Twist!

Emily becomes weepy and says his kindness is a testament to his nature, and that despite his childhood, he's a sweet guy who holds no anger or grudges against the unfairness of life. Okay, she didn't quite say it like that, more along the lines of, “Wow, your story makes me realize how blessed I am.”

ABC decides to make this moment completely cheesy by adding sad music.

Tony has an epiphany when he thinks about playing with all the kids today who aren't his son.

*Cue more sad music* Except ABC uses a different melody than SDD's story because that would be in bad taste.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly...
photo credit, shopping.com

At the mansion, Arie gets an invite to go on a single date with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot is smiling on the couch while he's burning under the collar. When will it be my turn? For the love of God, I came in on my own helicopter!

Tony tells Emily he's missing his son. She completely sympathizes because of her own daughter. Emily pats him on the shoulder and tells him he's cute. Translation, “You're going soon, so chin up little buddy.”

Emily talks about another awesome day having all the guys ogle her and fight for her attention. Tony, continues to grapple with his decision to stay away from his son. And I can see why he's so torn. On one hand there's his son, asking when he's coming home. On the other hand, he's there for an important reason—to win the chance to have special naked hugs with Emily.

Tony talks with his son on the phone. Every parent knows, kids are terrible over the phone. They either answer every question with, “Uh-huh,” or they talk on and on and on...After the call, Tony continues to cry and monologue in the alley. The producers have now used up all their sad music.

Emily comes outside, and rubs his back some more. She knows what it's like to leave your preschooler in the care of others to compete for a strangers affection. She drops enough hints that Tony is NOT going to get the last rose, and asks him to stop crying and stealing all of her air time. With a wave of her manicured hand, the cab-of-shame pulls up for Tony.

I really feel for Tony. He wants to find love, so I hope there's another contest he can enter.

Emily drops the bombshell to the other guys about releasing Tony, and they frown and nod sympathetically while secretly doing a mental fist pump.

Did anyone else notice that egg guy hasn't made any moves on Emily AND he hasn't done any interviews with a musical background? *cough* mole *cough*

Sean gets the date rose and is safe for the nomination ceremony. Sorry, wrong show, I mean the rose ceremony.

The next day, Emily picks up Aire in her denim shorts and high boots, kinda like Wonder Woman. He's excited to be whisked away on a plane and then taken in a limousine to a secret location....Dollywood. Yup. That one.

It looks like they have the whole place to themselves. Wow! Feel the energetic vibes of the empty park! They play a few games and go on rides. All. By. Themselves. Like, with no one else around, it's a little creepy actually. I'm expecting the Scooby-Doo gang to run around the corner hoping to set a trap for the ghost who haunts the carousel.



Jinkies!
photo credit, tvtropes.com



And because she's Emily, she not only has the park to herself but the real Dolly Parton shows up and sings a song. It must have been a new experience for Emily to dance without a crowd but at least the cameras were there.

Emily loves how Dolly Parton gets to wear great clothes and makeup everyday, and perform for everyone. Hmm...that sounds familiar. Dolly really is sweet though, and they have some good old fashion girl talk as Dolly gives Emily advice on post operative plastic surgery care.

During supper, Aire tells Emily about his ex-girlfriend and her children. He gives her specifics about why they broke up—nice to know he's reading my blog. Emily lurvs specifics. This is the longest Emily has stayed quiet, only because Aire actually has something to say. When he's done, he turns the tables on Emily and asks her about Brad. SNAP! Okay, I love Aire.

They talk about his busy racing schedule and she's cool with that because she has her Pink Palace to keep 'boy smell' free. I'm sure Aire will have a nice room in the garage.

Emily gives the longest rose presentation speech, but she's only teasing him. I knew this because she never once patted his back. Of course she gives him the rose. They go on the haunted carousel and Arie gets to first base...again, and again.

Ricki helps her mom pick out perfume for that night's rose ceremony where Emily will send a guy home who will NOT be Ricki's new daddy. Why do I have the feeling Ricki will be describing this to a psychiatrist one day?

Take me on a date, damn it!
photo credit, n4h.com

Mr. Hot Shot is the first to get some alone time with Emily. Why is he wearing Mr. Magoo's glasses? He starts to talk about how he always envisioned being a father of his own children. Emily jumps in about Ricki, but he smiles and asks her to let him finish. Her face contorts as she tries to smile while biting the inside of her cheek. She no likey being told she rude.

Emily and Mother Goose decide to set the egg free. It splats on the stone pathway and I wonder how long he's been carrying that thing around. Smelly. I pity the crew guy who has to clean up that mess.

Anyone notice how Mother Goose hugged her and it was totally natural, but in a cousin kind of way? AND they share the same accent. Hmm. *cough* mole *cough*

Emily talks with some guy whose name I don't even remember. He can't give any specific answers and trips over his comments. Emily says he should envision her daughter as a bonus. Eww. I didn't make that up, she actually said 'bonus'.

This just turned in to The Price Is Right. Guess who isn't getting a chance at spinning the big wheel for the Showcase Showdown. But, seriously, it was only a matter of time, he was kind of sloppy looking.

Emily deals with the horrible task of throwing out a sloppy bachelor by getting a gin and tonic and making out with Arie for awhile.

Ryan with the bad hair, is shocked. Okay, what part of the show doesn't he understand?

Emily then meets with Sean in another room and he blows his trumpet about being an awesome dad for Ricki because he had an awesome dad.

Sadly, this doesn't work for heart surgeons. That still requires school and skill. For his correct answer Sean is rewarded with some slurpy sexy time in front of the fire.

There are ten roses to be handed out and I'm predicting that after she's given away nine, the Host will

come out and announce there's only one left.

Emily calls out the guy's names in a throaty whisper and has to ask each of them if they're accept the rose. I think it would be hilarious if one of them refused and then did a kind of dance routine you see on the Heineken commercials.

The rose ceremony that probably only takes twenty seconds long is edited to last ten years. Kill me now.

Shocking! Mother Goose got a rose. *Honk* Mole *Honk*

Another shock, the Host peeks his head around the curtain to announce there's only one rose left. Boombox guy is going home. I guess he should have kept up the conflict with Mr. Hot Shot. Conflict sells, man.

Ryan is upset that Emily is having smoochy good times with Aire and not him. He vows to step up his game. Little does he realize Sean is also way ahead.

Is Arie playing Emily? Will Nate ever say anything? Who will be the first to punch Mr. Hot Shot?

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 2 "It's Time To Put On Make-Up! It's Time to Dress Up Right!"

Emily takes Ricki to the park and meets her peeps to talk about her first date with all those guys. The other mom's assure her they'll take care of Ricki's soccer practice because if it means being on TV for ten seconds...they'll do it.

Ryan, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, ickypeople.com

The Host tells the 'hopeful soulmates' this week not everyone gets to go on a date. The first date card is handed out to Ryan. He has weird hair that sticks up in the back...on purpose.

The other guys “woo” and “yeah, right on.”

Hey fellas, stop celebrating. He's going NOT the rest of you.

I was beginning to worry this episode would be boring then the show cuts to a pool scene. These 'hopeful soulmates' spend a lot of time at the gym. Emily interrupts the Abercrombie & Fitch commercial and whisks Ryan away in her SUV.

Ryan is excited to be going off with his future wife on their first date. No seriously, he said that. Emily takes him to her mansion and tells him to take in the groceries and to put on an apron because they're about to make cookies. They're are making snacks for Ricki's soccer practice and Ryan goes along with it because he's willing to do anything.

Anything? Are you kidding me! Chocolate chip cookie dough is one of the best things on the planet. Here's what he should have also done—looked in her fridge to make sure she had enough milk and then take out the garbage.

Back at the pool, the guys talk about how awesome Emily looks in everyday clothes and her everyday make-up.

Since Emily is a very protective mom, she keeps Ryan in the car as she delivers the snacks to the soccer kids. Ryan mentions how he enjoyed seeing her real life and how they bonded. Of course what he's thinking is, 'when does the making out happen?'

For the evening portion of their date, Emily changes into her night-time dress and make-up and takes Ryan to her favorite restaurant, complete with red carpet and flashbulb happy paparatzi—consisting of people who happened to be walking by.

Over wine, Emily asks Ryan about his romantic past. *leans close*

He talks about his dream girl—you know, someone hot and rich. She wants to know how he plans on keeping the magic after the show. He stammers a bit and the acoustic guitar in the background fills in the awkward silence.

Psst...Ryan! Here's a hint, mention something about rolling out red carpet each time you go out.

Ryan says he wants to put his best foot forward and show off his true self. Sounds like a round of naked dancing to me. Emily says she had a perfect date and gives him a rose. Ryan is safe.

They leave the restaurant and walk through the PTA paparazzi again. Once outside, they are treated to a live concert of her favorite band. 'Cause when you're Emily you get stuff like that.

They have a romantic dance...in front of everyone...up on a stage...in the middle of the crowd. Yes, I would say this is a perfect way for Ryan to see her normal day to day life.

The next day Emily takes thirteen of the guys to meet the Muppets. They line up and wait their turn to greet her with the usual hug and I've lost another fifteen minutes of my life. Soon they learn they'll all be performing on stage.

My vote is for the frog.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Boombox guy should be jazzed about that.

Tony does a kickass impersonation of Kermit as Miss Piggy flirts with the guys, and for a moment I actually felt like I was being entertained.

Charlie is having some reservations about performing. He addresses this insecurity with Emily. And since she's now in her 'understanding' make-up and outfit, she uses her southern charm and gives his confidence a boost without making him feel like he's taking the easy road. Nicely done, Bachelorette.

This show seems so long, even the Muppets can't salvage the nonexistent momentum.

The guys are ready to perform on stage in front of a sold out crowd of five hundred people. Emily said she's so nervous because it was only yesterday she danced in front of a crowd.

The show begins and I quickly realize it's all about Emily. Did the people who bought the tickets for the show know this? But hold on, she brings Ricki on stage to sing with Kermit because after all this is her mom's date with thirteen guys.

Emily announces the show raised over twenty thousand dollars for the local Hospital. Huh? Five hundred seats...*runs for calculator*.

After the show Emily changes into another dress, and I have to say I'm starting to get sick of how much the guys keep saying how hot Emily looks. But Emily is smart too. She gets the guys alone and gives each of them compliments. Why is she single?!?!

Jeff has some 'alone time' with Emily and he blushes all the way up to his Rick Astley hair.

Next, Boombox and Emily dance. And even though he's lost the green shirt, I totally hate his tie. Mr. Hot Shot breaks up the private moment asking if he can cut in.

Again, Emily says a few things that are lovely and charming but are now starting to sound a bit familiar. Before Mr. Hot Shot replies, another guy interrupts.

This is tedious. When the guys are away from Emily all the do is cat fight! Or should I say, tomcat fight. Finally the date is over and Emily hands Jeff the date rose. No one claps him on the back to congratulate him. Now Ryan and Jeff are both safe for the next rose ceremony.

Emily takes Joe on a private jet, 'cause that's how single mom's like her roll. We're treated to another cute outfit and of course the red carpet. Seriously, I would love to have just five minutes in her closet.

Emily tells Joe they're going to one of her favorite places as a child. I'm guessing the zoo, or maybe a park, or the candy store...no it's a resort. A humongous, historic resort. She says it has stables and an awesome spa.

I think Somewhere In Time was filmed here. I love that movie. *daydream about movie while show continues*

The single dad and Mr. Hot Shot have a confrontation at the pool which seems almost contrived. Geez, I'm sure the producers have nothing to do with that.

Back to Joe and Emily and another wardrobe change. I think another way to raise money for the hospital is to auction off Emily's dresses. They go down an elegant hallway to dinner and I'm surprised Emily was able to walk without a red carpet.

Over wine, Emily asks Joe some specific questions, but Joe is unable to give her any specific answers. There's lots of cliches and then before things get too quiet the soft acoustic guitar starts to play. They perform a tradition of writing little wishes and leaving them in the antique love-clock.

I'm guessing Joe's note said, 'I wish my answers were more specific'. Emily puts in her note and then gets quiet and teary eyed. The acoustic guitar is replaced with sad violins and we know it's only a matter of time before the tears start.

She says she wanted things to go well tonight but cries because she realizes she should have taken the hot guy on this date instead. Survey says...no rose for you. Buzzer strike.

Dear fellas, 

What have we learnt? Sometimes it's better to NOT be taken on the solo date.

Emily talks about how emotionally draining it was to say goodbye to Joe. Thankfully having her mom dress her in another gown for another cocktail party was the best thing to pick up her spirits.

Arie, the racer, finally gets some time with Emily on the swing by the pool. I like Arie.

And since Emily is alone with one of the guys, the cat fight, sorry, tomcat fighting begins. And even though Ryan already has a rose, he gives her a love note and asks her to read it out loud.

Tony, the guy who does a killer Kermit impersonation, can't stand it and walks into the room. But he stops by the curtains and just watches. Oh, the awkwardness is crushing.

I think Tony should have sat down on Emily's other side and continued to read Ryan's letter with his Kermit voice. Now that would have been epic!!!

Also, let me take this moment to take about the size of the wine glasses. It's the size of a goldfish bowl. That would use up like half the bottle!

Tony finally gets her alone and talks about his son. I can't help but feel Emily has already narrowed the field to four guys—and Tony isn't one of them. Just sayin'

There's another interview on the swing. Cue the acoustic guitar. Emily asks some specific questions and gets a lot of cliches.

Dear fellas,

Give specific answers.

The guys tear each other apart and it seems like they've targeted Mr. Hot Shot. Two guys will go home tonight which means the rose ceremony will take two hours. This show has been so long I've had to do my roots again.

The Host tells everyone before the rose ceremony that the stakes are very serious. I agree, steaks are very serious, and delicious if prepared properly.

Emily gives the first rose to Mr. Hot Shot and you can almost hear everyones teeth grind.

And she keeps Mother Goose!?! *Honk*

Holy. Crap. The Host comes out again and tells us there's only one rose left. Oh my nerves, stay behind the curtain.

She chooses Boombox guy and I'm convinced the producers are telling her who to keep.

Interestingly, the two guys who are going home I actually thought were the same guy, sometimes with glasses sometimes without. Maybe she had the same issue.

I'm convinced now that there is a mole. One of the guys is a trusted friend of Emily's and will be her inside informant. This is a brilliant plan. And the mole is none other than...Mother Goose. *honk* What other explanation can there be for her keeping this guy around? 

Cheers!