Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 3, “Who's Your Daddy?”

Chris, bobble head or wolf?
Chris is invited to go on the solo date with Emily. He sees the ropes and buckles and gets nervous, but wait it's not 50 Shades of Grey, it's just rock climbing. Chris has great eyes, but they also freak me out a bit. Does anyone else think they look like wolf eyes?

Never mind. Sorry, my mind wanders while these two compete for lamest compliments. He says she looks good in a harness—maybe he has read 50 Shades? Then she comes back with the very witty, “You're so cute.” Like a million times.

After the climb they go to a concert and get to dance on stage. How original. Anyone else noticing a theme?

For the next day, Emily takes a group of guys to the park—but not everyone, right Mr. Hot Shot? Oh, and isn't he just pissy about that!

What begins as touch football turns into Where The Wild Things Are, as kids are unleashed on the unsuspecting guys. After all, you're not just competing for special naked hugs with Emily, you need to be Ricki's new daddy as well.

This makes me wonder what Emily will plan to do with a man in her Pink Palace of Perfection. What about his framed picture of dogs playing poker? And where will they put his baseball trophies from High School? And don't forget about that orange road cone he's converted into a lamp. Something to think about y'all.

Back at the park that sneaky Emily has enlisted her southern sisters to help weed out the losers of this pack. Again, I would have suggested the spinach-in-the-teeth-thing, but these debutantes have another plan. One actually said, “We're here for the right reasons.” Which would be to get themselves on television and talk with guys who normally wouldn't care what they think.

One friend told Emily she thought Sean (the blond insurance guy) was a genetic gift to the world. Whaa??? If he had the cure for cancer encoded into his DNA, then yes, I'd agree with her.

Ryan with the bad hair, is still riding the wave of butterflies since he was Emily's first solo date. He tells her he'd still love her if she was fat.

Hey fellas,

Here's another tip from your Aunt Bethany. Never, ever, ever, say your lady's name and the word fat in the same sentence. Even if NOT is in there, all she'll hear is her name plus 'fat'. Got it? Good. Don't be stupid like Ryan with the bad hair.

Sean and single dad Doug (SDD) are clearly the winners this date, scoring points with both the friends and Emily.

After the guys survive the park date, they lounge in a room full of pillows like a bunch of genies trapped in a bottle. Emily changes into her evening group date make-up and outfit—even Barbie would have closet envy.

Emily takes Sean have some alone time. He brags about his wonderful parents and how they're still in love. Whoa! Red flag! No one wants to talk about their parents going on dates because that means kissing that leads to sex. And parents having sex is totally gross.

Single dad Doug, or SDD (which is different than STD) explains about his life growing up in foster homes. His own dad was also a single father, but one night he died in his sleep. SDD and his sister became orphans and were separated a few times to live with different families. Holy Oliver Twist!

Emily becomes weepy and says his kindness is a testament to his nature, and that despite his childhood, he's a sweet guy who holds no anger or grudges against the unfairness of life. Okay, she didn't quite say it like that, more along the lines of, “Wow, your story makes me realize how blessed I am.”

ABC decides to make this moment completely cheesy by adding sad music.

Tony has an epiphany when he thinks about playing with all the kids today who aren't his son.
*Cue more sad music* Except ABC uses a different melody than SDD's story because that would be in bad taste.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly...
photo credit, shopping.com
At the mansion, Arie gets an invite to go on a single date with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot is smiling on the couch while he's burning under the collar. When will it be my turn? For the love of God, I came in on my own helicopter!

Tony tells Emily he's missing his son. She completely sympathizes because of her own daughter. Emily pats him on the shoulder and tells him he's cute. Translation, “You're going soon, so chin up little buddy.”

Emily talks about another awesome day having all the guys ogle her and fight for her attention. Tony, continues to grapple with his decision to stay away from his son. And I can see why he's so torn. On one hand there's his son, asking when he's coming home. On the other hand, he's there for an important reason—to win the chance to have special naked hugs with Emily.

Tony talks with his son on the phone. Every parent knows, kids are terrible over the phone. They either answer every question with, “Uh-huh,” or they talk on and on and on...After the call, Tony continues to cry and monologue in the alley. The producers have now used up all their sad music.

Emily comes outside, and rubs his back some more. She knows what it's like to leave your preschooler in the care of others to compete for a strangers affection. She drops enough hints that Tony is NOT going to get the last rose, and asks him to stop crying and stealing all of her air time. With a wave of her manicured hand, the cab-of-shame pulls up for Tony.

I really feel for Tony. He wants to find love, so I hope there's another contest he can enter.

Emily drops the bombshell to the other guys about releasing Tony, and they frown and nod sympathetically while secretly doing a mental fist pump.

Did anyone else notice that egg guy hasn't made any moves on Emily AND he hasn't done any interviews with a musical background? *cough* mole *cough*

Sean gets the date rose and is safe for the nomination ceremony. Sorry, wrong show, I mean the rose ceremony.

The next day, Emily picks up Aire in her denim shorts and high boots, kinda like Wonder Woman. He's excited to be whisked away on a plane and then taken in a limousine to a secret location....Dollywood. Yup. That one.

It looks like they have the whole place to themselves. Wow! Feel the energetic vibes of the empty park! They play a few games and go on rides. All. By. Themselves. Like, with no one else around, it's a little creepy actually. I'm expecting the Scooby-Doo gang to run around the corner hoping to set a trap for the ghost who haunts the carousel.

photo credit, tvtropes.com

And because she's Emily, she not only has the park to herself but the real Dolly Parton shows up and sings a song. It must have been a new experience for Emily to dance without a crowd but at least the cameras were there.

Emily loves how Dolly Parton gets to wear great clothes and makeup everyday, and perform for everyone. Hmm...that sounds familiar. Dolly really is sweet though, and they have some good old fashion girl talk as Dolly gives Emily advice on post operative plastic surgery care.

During supper, Aire tells Emily about his ex-girlfriend and her children. He gives her specifics about why they broke up—nice to know he's reading my blog. Emily lurvs specifics. This is the longest Emily has stayed quiet, only because Aire actually has something to say. When he's done, he turns the tables on Emily and asks her about Brad. SNAP! Okay, I love Aire.

They talk about his busy racing schedule and she's cool with that because she has her Pink Palace to keep 'boy smell' free. I'm sure Aire will have a nice room in the garage.

Emily gives the longest rose presentation speech, but she's only teasing him. I knew this because she never once patted his back. Of course she gives him the rose. They go on the haunted carousel and Arie gets to first base...again, and again.

Ricki helps her mom pick out perfume for that night's rose ceremony where Emily will send a guy home who will NOT be Ricki's new daddy. Why do I have the feeling Ricki will be describing this to a psychiatrist one day?

Take me on a date, damn it!
photo credit, n4h.com
Mr. Hot Shot is the first to get some alone time with Emily. Why is he wearing Mr. Magoo's glasses? He starts to talk about how he always envisioned being a father of his own children. Emily jumps in about Ricki, but he smiles and asks her to let him finish. Her face contorts as she tries to smile while biting the inside of her cheek. She no likey being told she rude.

Emily and Mother Goose decide to set the egg free. It splats on the stone pathway and I wonder how long he's been carrying that thing around. Smelly. I pity the crew guy who has to clean up that mess.

Anyone notice how Mother Goose hugged her and it was totally natural, but in a cousin kind of way? AND they share the same accent. Hmm. *cough* mole *cough*

Emily talks with some guy whose name I don't even remember. He can't give any specific answers and trips over his comments. Emily says he should envision her daughter as a bonus. Eww. I didn't make that up, she actually said 'bonus'.

This just turned in to The Price Is Right. Guess who isn't getting a chance at spinning the big wheel for the Showcase Showdown. But, seriously, it was only a matter of time, he was kind of sloppy looking.

Emily deals with the horrible task of throwing out a sloppy bachelor by getting a gin and tonic and making out with Arie for awhile.

Ryan with the bad hair, is shocked. Okay, what part of the show doesn't he understand?
Emily then meets with Sean in another room and he blows his trumpet about being an awesome dad for Ricki because he had an awesome dad.

Sadly, this doesn't work for heart surgeons. That still requires school and skill. For his correct answer Sean is rewarded with some slurpy sexy time in front of the fire.

There are ten roses to be handed out and I'm predicting that after she's given away nine, the Host will
come out and announce there's only one left.

Emily calls out the guy's names in a throaty whisper and has to ask each of them if they're accept the rose. I think it would be hilarious if one of them refused and then did a kind of dance routine you see on the Heineken commercials.

The rose ceremony that probably only takes twenty seconds long is edited to last ten years. Kill me now.

Shocking! Mother Goose got a rose. *Honk* Mole *Honk*

Another shock, the Host peeks his head around the curtain to announce there's only one rose left. Boombox guy is going home. I guess he should have kept up the conflict with Mr. Hot Shot. Conflict sells, man.

Ryan is upset that Emily is having smoochy good times with Aire and not him. He vows to step up his game. Little does he realize Sean is also way ahead.

Is Arie playing Emily? Will Nate ever say anything? Who will be the first to punch Mr. Hot Shot?


Kelly Hashway said...

OMG, Scooby Doo and Mr. Magoo in the same post? This is officially awesome!

I didn't realize I wasn't following your blog. I am now. :)

BR Myers said...

Thanks, Kelly. Always room for one more.

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