Christmas Comes To Storybrooke

It was a great idea NOT to invite Regina to the party.
onceuponatimepodcast.com

The last time we saw the good fairy tale folk of Storybrooke, Emma and Mary Margaret had returned from the enchanted forest and all was well.

But wait! What is that on the horizon? A tsunami? A pod of Orcas?

Ew! Storybrooke is full of plot holes.
dinnerandamovie.com

No! It's a pirate ship and the two occupants are promising to make things a whole lot more interesting in the land of no magic...except, well, when there is magic.

So, before Emma and her royal parents start making Christmas cookies at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, here's a warning that their New Year's Eve may not ring in smoothly.

"Captain Hook Is Coming To Town" Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"




onceuponatimesqpn.com

You better watch out,

You better not spy.

You better not gloat,

I'm telling you why.

Captain Hook is coming to town.

He's making a list,

Of people to curse.

Cora's there too,

With a heart in her purse.

Captain Hook is coming to town.

justagirlgeek.com

He sees you with his sexy eyes,

He uses guy-liner, too.

His leather pants squeak when he sighs,

But, don't you be his fool.

O! You better watch out,

You better not spy.

You better make sure,

You pick the right side.

Captain Hook is coming to town.

He's looking for that crocodile, 

Who chopped off his left hand,

He's not afraid of Mr. Gold,

'Cause Cora's gonna rule the land.



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O! You better watch out,

There's gonna be mayhem.

Hook might be cute,

But ain't no Sheriff Graham.

(Big Finish!)
Captain Hook is coming to town.


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The True Meaning of Crumbfest

This will be my last post until after Christmas. I wanted to share one of my favorite audio books with you as a thank you for stopping by my blog: The True Meaning of Crumbfest by David Weale. It would be a fantastic gift for anyone on your list from ages three to one hundred.

barnesandnoble.com

From Rattling Press...

David Weale's Christmas classic charmingly rendered by a five year old narrator.

Eckhart, the hero of our story, is a tiny young mouse. He and his family have just moved inside for the winter. It's dark and cold in the walls of their farmhouse. But all of a sudden every year in late December their tummies are filled by a mysterious abundance of delicious crumbs. The mice celebrate with feasting and call it Crumbfest. No one knows why it happens until Eckhart solves the mystery.

In 2001 a five year old Antonia Francis performed Crumbfest for her Mom's community radio show. The irrepressible energy and charm of Antonia's narration made it a perennial favourite. This is the original radio broadcast, recording flaws and all. The roughness of the recording sets off brilliantly the perfection of Antonia's performance. Here is The True Meaning of Crumbfest, told as only a five year old Antonia Francis could tell it. An underground classic.

Click here for a sample. Keep in mind this is an old recording, once you get through the first ten seconds it clears up nicely.

Happy Holidays!

Night Shift

In the heart of Manhattan, a historic building hides a century old secret...

I've been writing and talking about NIGHT SHIFT for so long, I felt it was time to give it a face.

At Willard's department store, none of the security guards survive long on night shift, and sixteen-year-old Daniel Gale is about to find out why. Tired of endless hotels and living out of his backpack, he ignores the clerk's gossip about the old building being haunted and takes the job as the newest night guard.

On his first shift, Daniel narrowly escapes a fatal drop down the elevator shaft, and is rescued by Mary, a bossy and intriguing girl who is far too beautiful for after hours inventory.

Anticipating every night shift as a chance to be with her, Daniel thinks his traveling days are over hoping that New York City is the place to call home. But as his life becomes more entwined with Willard's, Daniel senses unnatural changes and bizarre coincidences, both with Mary and the store itself. Soon he suspects Willard's is hiding something more sinister than gossip about ghosts—something that could make him the next casualty of the NIGHT SHIFT.


NIGHT SHIFT is currently looking for a publishing house to fall head over heels in sloppy love with.

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Feeling The Joy

I wrestled this out of the archives from a year ago. It was originally posted on December 15th, 2011. My blog was brand new then and only eight people read it, but I think the message bears repeating...even after a year.

scratchpad.wikia.com

This time of year my wallet is full of lists—those crumpled up, half crossed off reminders that I still have things to do.

The best thing about lists is drawing a line through the last item. I feel entitled to celebrate by hanging out at the book store with a gingerbread latte, making fun of the titles by adding “in bed with no clothes on.”

Try it, it's funny. The Clockwork Prince In Bed With No Clothes On. See?

Lately though, when I peek into the vortex of disorganization that is my purse, I continually find unfinished lists, and that means no gingerbread latte for me. I begin to resent all the errands, which I now call 'things that get in the way of stuff I really want to do'.

I love the holidays...really I do, but sometimes the work involved in putting the Merry in Christmas leaves me exhausted and more bitter than Scrooge.

 

Alistair Sim, the best Scrooge!
toptenznet.com

With baking, mailing packages, and making sure everyone knows their line (yes singular) for the Christmas play, I roam the Shopping Malls—otherwise known as the black hole of commercialism—and my holiday mojo gets sucked away.

 

I drag my parcels through the parking lot, getting my coat dirty from brushing up against the salt encrusted cars. Bah humbug is right, life would be so much more enjoyable without all the fuss.

Then, on Sunday, I listened while someone talked about feeling the joy.

Feeling the joy?

How can I feel the joy when I have all of these things to do? If I don't wrap the presents and make the cookies, who will? Like most profound moments of epiphany, their answer was simple—you feel the joy in everything you do.

One of the coolest chicks out there, Gwen Stefani, said it best, “What You Waiting For?”

And truly, why delay the happiness? I realized I have a choice. Instead of begrudging the baking and shopping, I can be thankful that I'm able to buy my groceries instead of having to depend on the food bank to feed my family. And that baking with my kids is a chance to make a memory, not another chore to be completed.

There is a tangible sense of freedom when you exercise the choice to be happy.

I'm putting off dusting/vacuuming to read Christmas books with my kids. Instead of madly decorating to make everything perfect for a family party, I'm laying out all my ornaments for my beautiful nieces to have a go at the tree.

Today, I suggest you make the choice and feel the joy. Don't wait until everything is crossed off, because guess what—there's always something you forgot. So sit back, get a gingerbread latte, and read How the Grinch Stole Christmas In Bed With No Clothes On.

Cheers! *holds up latte*

naturallytru.com

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The Dating Game, Storybrooke Style

Welcome to The Dating Game, where one lovely bachelorette interviews three hopeful fellas. But here's the catch folks, only the viewing audience can see the handsome chums vying for the honor of being picked.

Now let's meet our bachelorette! She grew up in an orphanage, and hopped through a series of fosters homes. After a brief stint in jail, she settled into the cozy career of bounty hunting. These days she wields swords, fights Evil Queens, and breaks curses. Meet, Emma Swan!

The lovely Bachelorette, Emma Swan!
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Emma gives a little wave to the audience and shifts in her stool. She glances at the large screen that separates her from the three male contestants.

He always tells the truth, travels by motorcycle, and is handy to have around the camp fire. Meet Bachelor #1!

Hey, check out my cool typewriter.
hypable.com

August Wayne Booth gives a shy smile and tugs at his red handkerchief tied around his neck.

When his ship comes over the horizon, the seaport village men lock up their wives. He likes long walks on the beach, breakfast in bed, and leaves his women always wanting more. Meet Bachelor #2.

Arrrr you ready for some lovin'?
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Captain Sexy Eyes winks and salutes the audience with his hook.

He holds down the law, volunteers at the animal shelter, and manages to have the perfect amount of sexy stubble every day. Meet Bachelor #3.

Is there a problem officer?
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Schmexy clears his throat and nods.

Emma tosses a flaxen wave over her shoulder. “Bachelor #1,” she begins, “if you had to give yourself a nickname, what would that be?”

August glances up at the ceiling, and touches his chin. “Well, I guess it would be Honest Abe. I can't tell a lie.”

“It sure as hell isn't, Mr. Dependable,” Captain Sexy Eyes snorts. “You left Emma in the orphanage and caught the next bus out of that filth hole.”

“I was protecting her!” August whines.

“The only thing you were protecting was your arse,” Captain Sexy Eyes says.

“Whatever!” Emma huffs. “Okay, Bachelor #2, what is your best pick up line?”

“Oh, Lovey,” Captain Sexy Eyes grins. “All I need is to stare at you from across a crowded room. By the time you walk over, talking will be the last thing on your mind.” He demonstrates his 'look' for the audience causing a cacophony of cat calls.

Emma licks her lips and pushes up the sleeves of her red leather jacket. “Bachelor #3, which is more important; a good sense of humor, an intelligent conversation, or having a passion in life?”

“A killer bod!” Captain Sexy Eyes calls out.

Schmexy looks pained. He runs a hand through his hair. “Um...well, I think all of those things are important. But, for me, the most important thing is—”

“Boobies!” Captain Sexy Eyes interrupts.

August folds his arms in front of his chest and gives him a disgruntled look.

“What about you Honest Abe?” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August with his hook. “You're thinking it, too! Come on, you can't tell a lie...remember?”

Emma impatiently crosses her legs. “I'm still waiting for Bachelor #3 to answer, guys!”

Schmexy rubs a hand over his stubble. “I guess I would say the most important thing for me is—”

“Say it!” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August again. “Say, boobies!”

“Oh my, God,” Emma sighs. She flips to her next index card. “Bachelor #2,” she begins, “what song best describes your life and why?”

Captain Sexy Eyes taps his steal hook against his lower lip, frowning in deep concentration. Then he wiggles his eyebrows at the audience, and gives them another smile. “Sexy And I Know It!” The music suddenly starts playing. He climbs up on his stool, gyrating to his anthem.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma yells over the whistles from the audience. “Describe your idea of a perfect date.”

“Well,” Schmexy begins quietly. “That is, I think the most important thing is—”

“All right, goddamn it!” August takes off his red handkerchief and wipes his brow. “I'm thinking of her boobies! Are you happy now?” He starts to cry.

Captain Sexy Eyes rolls his eyes, and makes the crazy sign toward August.

Schmexy says, “You're being a bully. Leave him alone, he's done nothing to you.”

The mischievous smile leaves Captain Sexy Eyes' face. “Says the man who took Emma's mother into the forest to kill rip out her heart as a trophy for the Evil Queen.” He snorts at the end to show his disgust.

“But I freed her,” Schmexy rebuts. “And then I helped Prince Charming escape from the Evil Queen's castle. If it weren't for me, Emma wouldn't even exist.” He leers at the Captain, daring him to respond.

Say, you seem nervous for just a walk in the woods.
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August sniffles, making them turn in his direction. “I'm the one who brought her to this place without magic. If it weren't for me...”

Hands up!
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“Oh, hold on, chap,” Captain Sexy Eyes puts up his hook, stopping August. “Is this the part how you left her as an unprotected infant, then finally managed to catch up to her on the night she was arrested, but instead of stepping in to help her, you let the boyfriend go free? And even when Emma got out of jail you left it up to Henry to find her, like...ten years later?”

Schmexy and Captain Sexy Eyes stare August down.

“When you put it that way,” he says to his boots.

Emma closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “Like I was saying,” she tries again. “Bachelor #1, if you were to propose, how would you do it?”

“He'd get down on one knee,” Captain Sexy Eyes starts, “and show you his big wood.” Schmexy laughs and fist bumps him. August bites down on his handkerchief and stomps his foot.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma begins, her voice rising. “What is the most—”

“Wolves,” Schmexy says quickly.

“I didn't finish the question,” Emma says.

“Doesn't matter,” Schmexy tells her. “Wolves are my answer to everything.”

Captain Sexy Eyes gives him an unsure look, then scoots his stool farther away.

“Okay,” Emma says slowly. She flips to the next index card. “Bachelor #2, who do you think should pick up the tab on our first date?”

“Let's get real, Lovey.” Captain Sexy Eyes walks around the screen and struts over to Emma. “This contest was over the second you saw my silhouette,” he says, motioning with his hook to the screen still hiding August and Schmexy.

Emma blinks back at him as he leans in closer. She counts the silver studs in his ear.

“Who do you want?” he asks playfully. “A weepy excuse for a protector who bolted on you the first chance he got, or a confused outdoors man who smells like wet dog?”

Emma glances at the screen again. August is hunched over, still raking with sobs. Schmexy is curled up on the floor, appearing to be sleeping.

Captain Sexy Eyes drops his voice to a throaty whisper. His stubble grazes her cheek as he moves closer to her ear. “Or me...the total package.”

Emma lightly traces the curve of his hook with her finger tips. He gives her a wicked smile and reaches for her hand.

“Thanks for the offer,” Emma says, pulling away. “But I've already had enough alone time with you.”

“Are you mad?” The hurtful tone to his voice is unmistakable.

“No,” Emma motions to the corner of the studio where Jefferson is leaning against the wall, waiting for her. “But he is.” She turns and whips her flaxen waves hitting Captain Sexy Eyes in the face. “Later, losers,” she calls over her shoulder. Jefferson pockets his eyeliner and holds out his arms to her.

Paisley is the new black.
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Top 5 Most Frightening Things Writers Think Of While Falling Asleep

Oh, Bella. You think you have worries...try writing.
geeksofdoom.com

We've all been there—that moment when the heaviness of sleep settles in, and you feel yourself drift off. Then BAM!!! You jolt upright like you've been attacked by a cattle prod. With eyes wide open, your heart pounds as a list of horrible possibilities run though your mind.

Here are the top 5 most frightening things writers think of while falling asleep...

#1. You attached your vacation photos to the query instead of the first ten pages of the manuscript.

#2. Your ex-boyfriend will post on Facebook that the book is really about him.

#3. You just realized that the character you killed in book one is essential to the plot in book two.

#4. You have no idea how time travel is supposed to work!!!!

#5. If you die before your book gets published, your family will use the horrible Christmas picture that you hate as your official author photo.

And here's the bonus...

BONUS. Your parents will buy your book, and then read the steamy sex scene that YOU wrote.

Sound familiar? Do you have any fears to add to the list?

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 9 “Queen of Hearts”

Or better title, "Logical Headache"

Belle isn't impressed with her rescuer.
hypable.com

Inside the castle of the Evil Queen, a hooded figure walks up the steps with a meal for the prisoner, but he's stopped by the guards. A wild sword fight breaks out and is over two seconds later. Captain Sexy Eyes throws off the cloak and bursts into the cell. He frees Belle from her shackles with his hook. But he's only there to get information about Rumpelstiltskin and how to defeat him. When he realizes Belle is still loyal to Rumpelstiltskin, he knocks her out.

Harsh much?

onceuponatime.wikia.com

The Evil Queen comes in looking like a cross between Grace Jones and Prince. She tells him about her plan to take everyone to a land without magic. When Captain Sexy Eyes gives her a shrug, she entices him with an image of his hook slicing through a powerless Rumpelstiltskin. In return, she wants him to make sure that one person doesn't follow them...Cora.

Grace Jones

Prince

 

The Mayor and Mr. Gold pace the floor while David remains in his magical coma in the back of the shop. Mr. Gold plays devil's advocate and tells the Mayor they should destroy the portal since Cora is so super bad and amazingly evil that there's no way Mary Margaret and Emma can defeat her. Plus, if they somehow DO manage to beat Cora to the portal, would it be so bad for the Mayor if Henry only had her left?

He's slick that Mr. Gold. How can the Mayor resist his logic?

Mary Margaret, Emma, Mulan, and the heartless Aurora, go to Rumpelstiltskin's cell, in search of the bottle of powerful squid ink. All they find within the cavern's cracks is a scroll with Emma's name written over and over.

Jinkies! A clue!
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Henry reads his only book to a sleeping David. The Mayor walks in and gives an Oscar worthy performance telling him that she and Mr. Gold are going to prepare the portal for Mary Margaret and Emma's arrival.

And by prepare the portal, she means destroy it.

She and Mr. Gold enter the mine and find all the diamonds the dwarfs just leave unguarded for anyone to take.

That makes perfect sense to me. Definitely no loop holes with that logic.

Mr. Gold takes out a wand and casually mentions a dead fairy and fills it up with the magic from the diamonds.

Remember the Cinderella episode when he killed the fairy godmother? 

The Evil Queen hexes Captain Sexy Eyes' hook so that he can remove a heart and enchant it at the same time. However, he can only do it once.

Let's file that bit of info for a later episode.

She shows Captain Sexy Eyes, Jefferson's hat and tells him he has to enter the land where her mother has been banished.

Guess who's going to Wonderland? I believe this is time to do some gloating. Click here.

Why the ear thing, anyway?
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Captain Sexy Eyes arrives in Wonderland under the watchful gaze of masked courtiers and pays respect to the 'elephant-thing' that is Cora.

Thank you! *bows*

He thrusts his hook into her chest but she only laughs.

She has no heart, dumb-dumb! She's hiding it somewhere special. Hmm...like maybe in a chest in the bottom of the sea? *Cough* Davy Jones Locker *cough*

Where is her heart? Ask this dude.
rapgenius.com

Cora turns the tables and grips his cardiac muscle. Gasping, he confesses the Evil Queen was the one who ordered her death.

Emma stares at the scroll with her name as the others keep searching the cell. Mulan finds an empty ink bottle. Just when things can't get any worse, Cora and Captain Sexy Eyes arrive and close the bars, trapping the girls in the cell. Aurora grabs the compass from Emma and tosses it to Cora's waiting hand. The others are baffled until Cora gives Aurora's heart a good squeeze.

Emma tries to make a deal with Captain Sexy Eyes, but he only teases her by dangling his dried bean in her face. Sorry, I mean the last magic bean taken from the giant, which I'm assuming he'll rehydrate or something.

No matter, the chicks are totally screwed by the end of this scene.

Grumpy and Ruby discover that all the magic diamonds are gone. They alert Henry since he's the logical choice, being the only nearby ten year old who is busy reading to his comatose grandfather.

Henry is so upset that the Mayor has lied to him about trying to be good that he ALMOST slams the book shut, gosh darn it!

Emma tries to break through the bars but it's useless, so is the whining as everyone tries to take blame for the mess they're in. Emma, in particular, complains about not fulfilling her end of the prophecy. Mary Margaret will have none of it, and leads the gang in a cheer about good versus evil.

I wonder when they'll realize the magic ink is already written on the scroll. Oops, that would be logical. Better let things evolve at their own pace.

Cora and Captain Sexy Eyes head to the magical lake that restores what was once lost.

Thank God, because this plot needs to find some logic.

No worries when you've got magic.
ctv.ca

Cora doesn't even raise an eyebrow at the dried up desert. She merely raises her hand and a geyser erupts—and by the looks of those awesome special effects, the magical lake will soon be full.

Back in time in Wonderland, Cora let's Captain Sexy Eyes live. She convinces him that she's the only one who can help him kill Rumpelstiltskin. In return, he promises to get her close to the Evil Queen to rip out her daughter's heart.

Captain Sexy Eyes shows the Evil Queen Cora's body, just like he promised. She leans over the coffin and...holy spray tan!

She's supposed to be dead, not on an outlet shopping spree bus tour.

The Evil Queen weeps and apologizes to her mother. She says love is her weakness, and that she had to kill her because her love for her is too great. 

And that, of course, logically speaking, would make Cora her greatest threat...you know, because she loves her so much.

*Brain explodes*

Let's not forget this is the girl who ripped out her father's heart to complete the curse.

It's not eyeliner, it's face paint for guys.
hypable.com

Cora slips out of the coffin and explains to Captain Sexy Eyes that she no longer plans on killing her daughter. Since she still has a place in her heart, she's ready to do a little waiting. They stand on an island in their little corner of fairy tale land, protected from the curse that sends everyone else to Storybrooke.

They discuss how they'll spend the next twenty-eight years while they wait for the Savior and blah, blah, blah...and then their quest will resume. Cora knows that Regina will lose everything, and that's the time when she'll need Mommy Dearest the most.

Mr. Gold and the Mayor walk through the forest and stop at the well.

Mary Margaret finally makes the connection that the squid ink is on the scroll. She blows over the paper (just like she used to spy Regina doing) and the magic cloud opens the cell. Aurora asks Mulan to tie her up because she can't be trusted.

Whoa, things just got kinky.

Cora and Captain Sexy Eyes stand at the edge of the magical lake that Cora magically made. He sprinkles in the ashes from the magical wardrobe, and a magical whirlpool appears...as if by magic or something.

Mr. Gold uses the fairy Godmother's wand and summons a dark cloud. A bolt of lightning pierces the well. He tells the Mayor (and us), that no one, not even super smart and magical Cora, can survive coming through that web of electricity.

Cora hands Captain Sexy Eyes the compass, but an arrow slices through the air, knocking it out of his hand. Emma and Captain Sexy Eyes do a little sword fighting while Mulan and Mary Margaret deflect Cora's fireballs. She vaporizes into thin air, leaving the bag that holds Aurora's enchanted heart falling into the whirlpool.

Captain Sexy Eyes reaches out and snags the bag. Mulan manages to grab it from him. He and Emma roll around on the beach as they continue to dual. He ends up straddling her, and says, “When I jab you with my sword, you'll feel it.”

Dear ABC,

Seriously? No really...seriously?

Emma has an amazing stroke of luck and realizes she's lying on top of the compass. She distracts Captain Sexy Eyes long enough to push him off and give him the face punch the writers deserved for that last line.

*Cough* 50 Shades of Grey *cough*

Ruby and Henry arrive at the well to confront the evil doers. Mr. Gold responds by throwing Ruby across the woods, knocking her unconscious. He turns to Henry and calmly explains that Cora will kill them all if she gets through the portal.

Can't Henry see the logic?

Emma and Mary Margaret battle a newly re-appeared Cora. Cora is ready to take Mary Margaret's heart but Emma, that silly klutz, does it again and jumps in, making Cora's fist go through her own chest. But Cora can't take out her heart! Why???

Well, in Whoville they say, her heart was too good, and too full of love. Plus her blond hair totally kicked the evil Barbara Hershey with her Botox and fillers.

*cough* Harry Potter *cough*

Dear ABC,

If the key to deafeating Cora was finding the ink, why would Mary Margaret waste all of it opening the door of the cell? Shouldn't someone have yelled out, "Hey, don't use all the powerful ink! That's the only thing that will help us defeat Cora!" 

Mary Margaret and Emma hold the compass between their hands and jump into the magical whirlpool.

Their only hope is that they pronounce Diagon Alley, correctly.

Don't think too hard, just trust my logic.
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The Mayor and Henry battle scruples. Henry reminds her that she's supposed to be good, and that she needs to have faith and blah, blah, blah. The Mayor can't take any more of his logic. She puts her hands over the well and sucks up the electricity...or something logical like that.

Emma and Mary Margaret climb out of the well and they have a tearful reunion. Mr. Gold limps off before Ruby wakes up. Henry says the Mayor saved the day.

Hooray! Wait, what? Boo! Booooooring. I want the old evil one back.

Mary Margaret hurries to Mr. Gold's shop and lays a big wet one on David. The dwarfs gather around to watch. David wakes up, and they make out even more.

Mr. Gold puts the fairy Godmother's wand away...right beside a golden ball. Emma confronts Mr. Gold about creating the curse and making her the savior. He says he had no part in creating her, she's the product of true love.

*barf*

Mulan holds the enchanted heart and presses it into Aurora's chest.

Gee, I hope it's the right heart.

Aurora excitedly tells Mulan her new plan to get Prince Phillip's soul back from the demon (Dementor knock off) and reunite it with his body. Mulan is super keen on this plan since she had the hots for Phillip as well.

Cora has a heart on for Hook's magic bean.
tvfanatic.com

Captain Sexy Eyes stands by the magical lake and shows Cora his dried up bean. He dangles it right in front of her face! She looks unimpressed until he suggests they do a little gardening with the magical waters.

Henry hugs the Mayor and says he's happy she's really changed.

And guess where they're going to celebrate? Yup, the pub/diner/laundromat. And guess who's not invited? Yup, the Mayor.

It's perfectly logical for Henry to exclude the Mayor from the celebration since she was the one who took away the deadly electrical trap that allowed his mother and grandmother to return safely.

Yup, completely logical.

Mr. Gold puts a little salt in the wound, and I have to say, that's the best way to make the Mayor want revenge.

I guess she's lost everything. Who can help her now?

Oh, look! On the horizon! It's a pirate ship.

Predictions for the next episode

#1. ABC gets sued by that 50 Shades of Grey chick for stealing all her lines.

#2. Captain Sexy Eyes tries to lure a mermaid out of the magical lake with his dangling, dried up bean.

#3. The Mayor starts wearing white and black again because colors just aren't working out for her.

#4. Rapunzel shows up demanding equal representation.