Monday, 10 December 2012

The Dating Game, Storybrooke Style

Welcome to The Dating Game, where one lovely bachelorette interviews three hopeful fellas. But here's the catch folks, only the viewing audience can see the handsome chums vying for the honor of being picked.

Now let's meet our bachelorette! She grew up in an orphanage, and hopped through a series of fosters homes. After a brief stint in jail, she settled into the cozy career of bounty hunting. These days she wields swords, fights Evil Queens, and breaks curses. Meet, Emma Swan!

The lovely Bachelorette, Emma Swan!

Emma gives a little wave to the audience and shifts in her stool. She glances at the large screen that separates her from the three male contestants.

He always tells the truth, travels by motorcycle, and is handy to have around the camp fire. Meet Bachelor #1!

Hey, check out my cool typewriter.

August Wayne Booth gives a shy smile and tugs at his red handkerchief tied around his neck.

When his ship comes over the horizon, the seaport village men lock up their wives. He likes long walks on the beach, breakfast in bed, and leaves his women always wanting more. Meet Bachelor #2.

Arrrr you ready for some lovin'?

Captain Sexy Eyes winks and salutes the audience with his hook.

He holds down the law, volunteers at the animal shelter, and manages to have the perfect amount of sexy stubble every day. Meet Bachelor #3.

Is there a problem officer?

Schmexy clears his throat and nods.

Emma tosses a flaxen wave over her shoulder. “Bachelor #1,” she begins, “if you had to give yourself a nickname, what would that be?”

August glances up at the ceiling, and touches his chin. “Well, I guess it would be Honest Abe. I can't tell a lie.”

“It sure as hell isn't, Mr. Dependable,” Captain Sexy Eyes snorts. “You left Emma in the orphanage and caught the next bus out of that filth hole.”

“I was protecting her!” August whines.

“The only thing you were protecting was your arse,” Captain Sexy Eyes says.

“Whatever!” Emma huffs. “Okay, Bachelor #2, what is your best pick up line?”

“Oh, Lovey,” Captain Sexy Eyes grins. “All I need is to stare at you from across a crowded room. By the time you walk over, talking will be the last thing on your mind.” He demonstrates his 'look' for the audience causing a cacophony of cat calls.

Emma licks her lips and pushes up the sleeves of her red leather jacket. “Bachelor #3, which is more important; a good sense of humor, an intelligent conversation, or having a passion in life?”

“A killer bod!” Captain Sexy Eyes calls out.

Schmexy looks pained. He runs a hand through his hair. “Um...well, I think all of those things are important. But, for me, the most important thing is—”

“Boobies!” Captain Sexy Eyes interrupts.

August folds his arms in front of his chest and gives him a disgruntled look.

“What about you Honest Abe?” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August with his hook. “You're thinking it, too! Come on, you can't tell a lie...remember?”

Emma impatiently crosses her legs. “I'm still waiting for Bachelor #3 to answer, guys!”

Schmexy rubs a hand over his stubble. “I guess I would say the most important thing for me is—”

“Say it!” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August again. “Say, boobies!”

“Oh my, God,” Emma sighs. She flips to her next index card. “Bachelor #2,” she begins, “what song best describes your life and why?”

Captain Sexy Eyes taps his steal hook against his lower lip, frowning in deep concentration. Then he wiggles his eyebrows at the audience, and gives them another smile. “Sexy And I Know It!” The music suddenly starts playing. He climbs up on his stool, gyrating to his anthem.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma yells over the whistles from the audience. “Describe your idea of a perfect date.”

“Well,” Schmexy begins quietly. “That is, I think the most important thing is—”

“All right, goddamn it!” August takes off his red handkerchief and wipes his brow. “I'm thinking of her boobies! Are you happy now?” He starts to cry.

Captain Sexy Eyes rolls his eyes, and makes the crazy sign toward August.

Schmexy says, “You're being a bully. Leave him alone, he's done nothing to you.”

The mischievous smile leaves Captain Sexy Eyes' face. “Says the man who took Emma's mother into the forest to kill rip out her heart as a trophy for the Evil Queen.” He snorts at the end to show his disgust.

“But I freed her,” Schmexy rebuts. “And then I helped Prince Charming escape from the Evil Queen's castle. If it weren't for me, Emma wouldn't even exist.” He leers at the Captain, daring him to respond.

Say, you seem nervous for just a walk in the woods.

August sniffles, making them turn in his direction. “I'm the one who brought her to this place without magic. If it weren't for me...”

Hands up!
“Oh, hold on, chap,” Captain Sexy Eyes puts up his hook, stopping August. “Is this the part how you left her as an unprotected infant, then finally managed to catch up to her on the night she was arrested, but instead of stepping in to help her, you let the boyfriend go free? And even when Emma got out of jail you left it up to Henry to find her, like...ten years later?”

Schmexy and Captain Sexy Eyes stare August down.

“When you put it that way,” he says to his boots.

Emma closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “Like I was saying,” she tries again. “Bachelor #1, if you were to propose, how would you do it?”

“He'd get down on one knee,” Captain Sexy Eyes starts, “and show you his big wood.” Schmexy laughs and fist bumps him. August bites down on his handkerchief and stomps his foot.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma begins, her voice rising. “What is the most—”

“Wolves,” Schmexy says quickly.

“I didn't finish the question,” Emma says.

“Doesn't matter,” Schmexy tells her. “Wolves are my answer to everything.”

Captain Sexy Eyes gives him an unsure look, then scoots his stool farther away.

“Okay,” Emma says slowly. She flips to the next index card. “Bachelor #2, who do you think should pick up the tab on our first date?”

“Let's get real, Lovey.” Captain Sexy Eyes walks around the screen and struts over to Emma. “This contest was over the second you saw my silhouette,” he says, motioning with his hook to the screen still hiding August and Schmexy.

Emma blinks back at him as he leans in closer. She counts the silver studs in his ear.

“Who do you want?” he asks playfully. “A weepy excuse for a protector who bolted on you the first chance he got, or a confused outdoors man who smells like wet dog?”

Emma glances at the screen again. August is hunched over, still raking with sobs. Schmexy is curled up on the floor, appearing to be sleeping.

Captain Sexy Eyes drops his voice to a throaty whisper. His stubble grazes her cheek as he moves closer to her ear. “Or me...the total package.”

Emma lightly traces the curve of his hook with her finger tips. He gives her a wicked smile and reaches for her hand.

“Thanks for the offer,” Emma says, pulling away. “But I've already had enough alone time with you.”

“Are you mad?” The hurtful tone to his voice is unmistakable.

“No,” Emma motions to the corner of the studio where Jefferson is leaning against the wall, waiting for her. “But he is.” She turns and whips her flaxen waves hitting Captain Sexy Eyes in the face. “Later, losers,” she calls over her shoulder. Jefferson pockets his eyeliner and holds out his arms to her.

Paisley is the new black.
Thanks for playing the dating game! If you liked this, click on the Google +1 button below.


Ashley Turcotte said...

I should not have read that at work. You had my cracking up the entire time. LOVE IT! :D

BR Myers said...

There is no higher praise. Thanks, Ashley!

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