Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 5, "Good Form"

Or better title "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Stupid Older Brother"

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Henry is bullied by some of the Lost Boys. He picks up a stick and tries to defend himself. Pan watches from the sidelines, then he convinces Henry to believe he's holding a real sword. Henry closes his eyes and magics a weapon from the stick. He fights back and has a small moment of remorse after he cuts the bully on the face.

Hey, I guess Henry is magic too. Swell how that works out at the most convenient times.

Emma and the gang continue to search Neal's cave hideaway. She voices concern that Henry has started to lose faith that anyone will rescue him.

Come on. He's supposed to be the truest believer.

Mary Margaret clasps her hands and announces she has an idea! Regina follows her out of the cave while Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) tries to flirt with Emma. He tells her he knows what it's like to lose a loved one. She bats her incredible long eyelashes and says she's not in the mood for his flirting.

David tells Hook not to bother trying to pick up his daughter since he's nothing but a pirate. And everyone knows pirates steal and pillage.

Hold on, Neal stole and pillaged. Yeah. CSE has no chance.



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We flashback into the past where CSE is a lieutenant with the King's army. His older brother happens to be the Captain. His brother gives him a sexton (a big brass compass thingy) and tells him they are about to embark on a heroes journey on a special request of the King himself.

Mary Margaret's swell idea is to set a trap by braiding vines. David takes CSE into the jungle where they discuss dating Emma, and David's imminent death. They wrestle and David passes out.

I did prefer him when he was in his coma in the first season.

CSE splashes rum in David's face. The dream shade has almost reached his heart. David only has hours to live not days.

Yikes!

CSE becomes nostalgic when David finds a military badge with “Jones” written on it. CSE tells the story of how he and his brother sailed to Neverland in search of treasure for their King. His brother fought Pan on top of Dead Man's Peak and died. His sexy eyes grow wide with hope as he relates how his brother's sexton may have survived all these years as well. David vows to spend his last hours searching for the sexton that can decode Neal's star map.

Yup. Sounds like an iron clad plan to me.

Lieutenant Sexy Eyes (LSE) and his brother have a battle at sea. A magical sail made from the feathers of Pegasus is unfurled and the ship is soon flying away.

Huh? Magic is so convenient!

 

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David and CSE interrupt the vine macramé lesson and tell the others they're going to look for the sexton. David gives everyone a really long good-bye because he's dying. But they're all confused because they don't know he's dying.

Emma and Mary Margaret move into phase two of their plan which involves a pig and a Lost Boy with a spear.

*cough* Lord of the Flies *cough*

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They trap the kid who bullied Henry earlier. Regina conjures up a chocolate bar, but he's not willing to be their spy. Emma is shocked when he tells her Henry is the one responsible for the cut on his cheek.

Captain Jones and his sexy brother land on a beach. They are on a mission looking for a healing plant that can heal any wound. It's dream shade.

Oops.

Peter Pan arrives and lets the brothers know that dream shade is toxic, but they are unwilling to believe their King sent them to find a merciless weapon that could wipe out whole colonies. Still, Peter Pan points them to a path, giving them one last warning.

CSE slowly climbs up the mountain as David gasps, lagging behind. Peter Pan shows up and offers CSE a way off the island with one guest in return for a certain favor. He says he can take Emma and they can start a brand new happy family. He also requests that he murder David before the dream shade kills him.

Captain Jones and LSE find the dream shade. They argue since LSE worries Peter Pan is telling the truth. Captain Jones has great faith in his King and impales his own arm with one of the thorns. He falters and his last words are, “I'm sorry, brother.”

Yeah, sorry you're such a dummy.

Against Mary Margaret's pleas, Emma agrees to let Regina enchant the bullies heart, and thereby have complete control over him. Regina also gives him her compact mirror so they can see Henry.

When they reach the top of Dead Man's Peak, David turns his sword on CSE, and says he knows about his deal with Peter Pan. He demands to know where the sexton is hidden. CSE confesses he had the sexton all along and hid it on the path for David to find. He only lied to get David to the top so he could save his life. David doesn't believe him. They wrestle...again, and David passes out...again.

LSE holds his dying brother and Peter Pan arrives on the scene. He parts the vines and reveals a magical waterfall with healing properties. Peter Pan says all magic comes at a price. LSE says he'll do anything to save his brother. He pushes past him and takes the water. Soon Captain Jones is sitting up and smiling.

The bully arrives at camp with a message for Henry. He tells him his family is on the island, looking for him. He passes him the mirror so that Henry can see Emma, Mary Margaret, and Regina. Peter Pan comes around the corner and Henry throws the mirror into the bushes, cracking it.

Captain Jones and his brother sail away on their flying ship. They are determined to confront their King; using unholy weapons is dishonorable warfare.

Right. But using a magical sail is totally cool.

They land back in the water, and suddenly (as if by magic) Captain Jones falls to the floor choking, the death shadow creeping up his throat.

CSE makes his way to the magical waterfall, which is amazing since it's so frickin' dark in EVERY scene. Please, can the sun come up? CSE prepares to give David the water to save his life, but he says he will never be able to leave Neverland. David doesn't hesitate. All he wants is to save his family and be the hero.

Gag.

Emma feels better now that Henry knows they're on the island. David and CSE arrive, but tell everyone the bad news that the sexton was picked up by Peter Pan. David then gives a toast to CSE since he saved his life and everything.

Wait. So did CSE really have the sexton all along? And if he did have it, why didn't he use it in the cave earlier?

Dear ABC,

Oh...never mind. 

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CSE dares Emma to kiss him as a reward for saving her father. She rolls her eyes, then finally grabs him by the leather collar and lays one on him. It's a long kiss with a lot of intense slurps and gasps.

What?

Anyway, she tells him that was a one time only thing, then she orders him to collect some firewood.

She didn't push the Sheriff away. I bet she was wishing she was kissing him instead.

*cough* outrageously obvious mention of Sheriff Graham *cough*

LSE's and the crew have a burial at sea for his brother. Filled with rage at the crooked King, LSE vows to never return to the land of liars. He torches the magic sail and pumps up the crew with talk of being their own masters on the sea without mercy. He renames the ship the Jolly Roger and takes over the ship as its new Captain ready to be a pirate.

Peter Pan finds CSE enjoying his flask of rum. He brings up Hook's big, fat...secret. Baelfire! Peter Pan says that Emma's love and Henry's father is alive and on Neverland—as his prisoner of course. “I'll let you decide to tell Emma the truth,” Peter Pan says grinning as he walks backward into the jungle.

The Lost Boys carry a drugged up Neal in his bamboo cage. Peter Pan tells them to hoist him up next to the other one.

Other one?

Neal's cage is lifted and dangles beside an exact copy.

*closes eyes tight and prays* "Please by the Sheriff. Please be the Sheriff..."

Who do you think is in the other cage?

BOO! Scariest Literary Characters You Can Be For Halloween

Looking for a costume to help you stand out? Search no further.

Here's a list of the top eight scariest literary characters you can be for Halloween. Skipping, of course, the obvious Dracula and Frankenstein choices...


1. Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. All you need to wear is a pink wool suit and an expression of sweetness hidden behind pure evil.

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2. Bill Sykes from Oliver Twist. Toss on a ratty blazer, an ascot with a beer stain, a woolly top hat, grow out three days worth of beard and you're all set. Throw in a cocky accent for good measure.

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3. Cruella de Vil from One Hundred and One Dalmatians. Easy-peasy costume; half white and half black. What? You don't think a cartoon character is nasty enough? She makes clothing from the skin of cute little puppies. Enough said.

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4. Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs. The straight jacket may make it tough to hold a drink, but I'm sure a straw will fit through the face mask.

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5. Annie Wilkes from Misery. Flowered peasant dress with deep pockets and a sledge hammer. FYI, this costume works best if you're actually Kathy Bates.

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6. Voldemort from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Tape down your nose, shave your head, and grow out your fingernails.

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7. Pennywise from It. A creepy clown with sharp teeth is guaranteed a scream or two. Please don't show up at my house dressed like this.

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8. White Witch from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Dress all in white and don't smile, a few icicles in your hair wouldn't hurt either. Make sure to carry a tin of Turkish delight.

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Who are some of your picks for scariest literary characters?

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 4, "Nasty Habits"

Or better title, "Everyone Gets Knocked Out"

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Neil is kidnapped by one of Lost Boys. There's a lot of tough talk about how awesome Peter Pan is and how no one can beat him. Neil encourages the Lost Boys' monologue while he wiggles out of his ropes. Before you can say, "We can fly!" he knocks the dude unconscious and takes off into the jungle. 

Rumpelstiltskin (all fancy in his sparkle make-up and perm) arrives home and gives Baelfire the latest token from a terror stricken peasant. But poor Baelfire is tired of being The Dark One's son and wants the freedom to play with other kids. Rumpelstiltskin refuses, saying there are too many enemies who would try and hurt him.

Really? I'd bet the opposite. I would think no one would mess with him.

Mr. Gold paints his face with black lines (more make-up?) for his upcoming battle with Peter Pan. A vision of Belle arrives for a hologram therapy session. She reminds him that Henry will be his undoing. Mr. Gold tells her since Neil is dead, he has nothing to live for, and that the only way he can redeem himself is to trade his life by saving Henry.

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Emma maps out Henry's rescue mission. But Tinkerbell soon finds out there is no clear plan to get off Neverland. She refuses to help until they can prove they can help her escape the island—an island she reminds us, that is full of dangerous shadow bane... or something.

On cue, Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) shares a glance with a dying David, the latest victim of shadow bane... or something. CSE then tries to save the day and reminds them Neil somehow escaped Neverland as Baelfire.

Mr. Gold wanders the jungle and comes across two Lost Boys. He magics them unconscious and takes their spears dipped in shadow bane. Someone crashes through the bushes—it's Neil! Mr. Gold is convinced Neil is another vision, just like Belle. He attacks him with the spear, but Neil calls him Papa and the soft music begins to play in the background letting us know everything will be okay.

Rumpelstiltskin returns home from another pillaging field trip, but Baelfire is missing. He uses magic to follow his trail to a nearby village. He is shocked to find most of the boys in the town are missing. Someone is luring them out of their beds at night. It's the Piped Piper.

Neil and Mr. Gold connect the dots in a bitter sweet reunion, okay it was more like a bitter and bitterest reunion. Mr. Gold confirms the only way to beat Peter Pan is to be wiling to die. But Neil has another way. He takes his dad to the lagoon and blows a conch shell; a sound that giant squids find irresistible. They manage to wrestle a giant squid from the shore. Apparently the ink will render any magical being useless.

What? No sleeping spell or knocking it unconscious? 

Emma and the gang follow CSE to what used to be Baelfire's hideaway while he lived on Neverland. They enter the cave and see drawings on the wall. They search for a clue that will help them get off of the island.

Rumpelstiltskin tracks the Piped Piper the next night and watches from the shadows as the enchanted runaways dance around a fire. He unmasks the flute player and discovers it's Peter Pan. He of course recognizes Rumpelstiltskin from when he was a Lost Boy. Peter Pan tells him that the flute can only be heard by boys who feels unloved and lost—that's why they come to him.

Back at Peter Pan's camp on Neverland, Henry is refusing to dance with the other dudes around the fire. Peter Pan plays the flute knowing no one can resist his impersonation of Zamfir. But guess what! Henry can't hear the flute.

Peter Pan is slightly flummoxed, but he gets downright flabbergasted when he discovers Neil has escaped and that two of his guards were knocked unconscious with a sleeping spell. Peter Pan figures out Neil and Rumpelstiltskin have found each other. Now he's ready to rumble. The first thing he does is knock Henry unconscious.

Sweet Mother of God! Is there any other option on this island?

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Emma finds a broken coconut shell with holes in it. She puts in a candle and the ceiling of the cave lights up with stars. CSE tells them it's a map back home.

See? No one was rendered unconscious and the plot still moved forward.

Mr. Gold and Neil arrive to confront Peter Pan. Neil shoots an arrow, but Pan grabs it. Neil is smug when he admits to putting the squid's ink on the handle.

Smart.

While Peter Pan's magic is rendered useless, Neil grabs Henry and flips him over his shoulder, fireman style. Peter Pan uses this moment to tell Neil about the prophecy; you know, the one about Henry being the undoing of Mr. Gold.

Neil's all like..., huh? what?  He demands answers from dear old dad. Mr. Gold confirms the seers prophecy.

Remember that episode? She had no eyes. *shivers*

Neil is upset that his dad had originally planned to kill Henry. Mr. Gold tries to explain that was before he knew Henry was his grandson, but Neil is still grossed out.

I can see his point. 

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Rumpelstiltskin is shocked to see Baelfire frolicking with the other boys around the fire. He magics him back to their home, saying Peter Pan cannot be trusted. Baelfire is incensed that his dad forced him away from the maniac kidnapper instead of nicely asking him to leave.

Teenagers. *rolls eyes*

Mr. Gold tells Neil he is willing to trade his life's for Henry's. Neil hugs him, but then brings up the old story of how he chose magic over him.

God! Not that again.

Mr. Gold looks at his hand and sees a black smear. The squid ink renders Mr. Gold powerless.

How much of that ink does Niel have left anyway?

CSE dampens everyone's hopes when he lets them know that the star map is written in a code that only Baelfire would know. Emma reminds the group that Neil is dead, and she runs out of the cave weeping for the only guy she's ever loved.

At times like this, I really miss Schmexy.

Neil carries Henry though the jungle. He smiles when he comes across Emma's old camp site. Peter Pan arrives with his brood of kidnappers. “No one gets off this island without my permission,” he says.  Neil realizes Peter Pan let him go the first time, and that no one can outwit this immortal adolescent. Peter Pan smugly disappears with a STILL unconscious Henry.

He's going to have to read this blog to catch up on all the stuff he missed.

Mr. Gold regains his magic. A vision of Belle tries to comfort him, saying that he's a changed man ...a good man. And now that his son is alive, he has something to live for. Darn that prophecy! Mr. Gold has to struggle with his nasty habit of self preservation.

Seriously? That's the reason for the title?

Henry finally wakes up, back at the party of dancing boys. He thinks he just fell asleep, has no idea he's been dragged back and forth across the jungle. He says he dreamt about his dad. Peter Pan reminds him that his father is dead and his mother abandoned him.

His host skills could use a little finesse.

But Peter Pan suggests Henry can now make new dreams, and create a new family. He pulls out his flute and of course, Henry can hear the tune now. He starts to dance and get down with his bad self and all the other Lost Boys.

Where the heck is Simon to tell everyone that the beast is really just a dead pilot? Oh, sorry, wrong island.

Ten Books You Should Read Again Now That You're All Grown Up

Nothing standing out in the best seller list for you these days? Does the Hot & New section at the bookstore look kind of dull?

Then I suggest you step in your own Tardis and revisit your teen favorites from long—or in my case, long, long ago.


1. Forever by Judy Blume

Holy crap! A book with sex scenes. I remember being totally blown away by Michael and Kathy's relationship and was devastated with Kathy's choice. Now, of course I'm digging the ending like a grave yard worker on a double shift.


2. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Guy Montag's world scared the bee-Jesus out of me and was completely depressing. I recently discovered it makes a great companion to a pumpkin spice latte.

3. Lord of the Flies by William Golding

A perfectly creepy read ruined by homework questions like: Who was your favorite character and why? This time around I found reading without a looming book report was so much more enjoyable. For the record, my favorite character was Simon because he seemed like good boyfriend material. I didn't write that, but that's the truth.

4. The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank

This book felt mysterious and sacred when I read it as a teenager. But now that I have children, I wasn't surprised my focus went from Anne to her parents, especially her father who ends up being the only survivor. How he must have felt reading her words, knowing he'd never hear her voice again.

5. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Yes, we're all still a bunch of phonies. Poor Holden. I totally get him now.

6. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

Plucky orphan + red hair + nemesis that grows into love interest = epic read

7. Nancy Drew by a bunch of writers who went by the name of Carolyn Keene

Any book from the original series. I can't say enough about a girl who wears white gloves and knows how to change a tire on her blue convertible. And don't forget the wonderful sweets by Hannah.

8. Stranger With My Face by Lois Duncan

Lois breaks all the rules for YA. Both parents are alive, the protagonist already has a great boyfriend and none of her friends are into 80's music or fashion designers. She creates tension the old fashioned way, by throwing the main character into a completely unnatural situation and watching her squirm. It's a psychological thriller at its best!

This is the cover I remember staying up late with too scared to sleep.

9. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

No explanation is needed. Just go read it again. Then watch the movie because of Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze.

10. The Mixed Up Files of Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg

Two precocious runaways secretly living in the Metropolitan Museum of Art? Sign me up! Great book to read aloud to your kids, too.


What are some of your old time favorites?

Once Upon A Time Season 3, Episode 3, "Quite A Common Fairy"

Or better title "It Sucks to be Mulan"



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Emma and the gang follow her magical orphan map, but Peter Pan's camp keeps moving, making them roam around in circles.

Back at Rumpelstiltskin castle, Neil searches the magic cupboard to find something to make a portal so he can get to Neverland. Robin Hood puts a wet blanket on the situation by saying it's a crazy pants idea. Mulan rolls her eyes at the guys, wishing she was fighting a dragon somewhere. The Merry Men come into the room. Robin's son, Rolland, rushes into his father's arms. Neil lights up with an idea.

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Robin Hood, much better looking than the last guy.

Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) mentions Tinkerbell can help them find the camp, plus she has pixie dust, which everyone knows is way more powerful than regular fairy dust. David is encouraged by this because his wound from the previous night's sword fight is getting worse. CSE tells him it's poisoned and he'll probably be dead soon. Regina warns them Tinkerbell is no ordinary fairy.

A newly wed, Queen Regina quarrels with Rumpelstiltskin—she's sick of her dark magic lessons and hates her life with the King and his insipid daughter, little Snow White. She's still bitter about the stable boy being killed by her mother, which she totally blames on Snow White.

*cough* plot hole *cough*

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She's desperate to escape her life, and ends up half jumping/half falling off her balcony. But before she hits the stones below, Tinkerbell flies out from nowhere and saves her. The next logical step is for the two of them to bond over a couple of pints in an outdoor tavern. Tinkerbell feels sorry for Regina and her loveless marriage. She offers up the power of pixie dust to help her fall in love again.

While CSE leads the others to Tinkerbell's lair, Regina tries to convince Emma that they can combine their magic to defeat Peter Pan. Emma doesn't take her up on it because all magic comes at a price.

Why didn't they try that the very first night. Or when they were fighting the Lost Boys. Or when... oh never mind.

Peter Pan shows Henry a poisoned bow and arrow and orders him to shoot an apple off the head of one of the Lost Boys. Henry is shaking in his boots. Instead, he aims at Peter Pan who manages to catch the arrow in mid-air because he's so badass and dark and powerful.


I can't help but notice that Henry has grown a lot over the summer. He's supposed to be ten but he's getting closer to like fourteen.

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Tinkerbell travels to the land of giant tulips. The Blue Fairy reprimands her for trying to help Regina, who everyone knows has been taking lessons with The Dark One. She refuses Tinkerbell any pixie dust and forbids her from helping Regina—but Tinkerbell steals some anyway.
 
Neil tries to convince Robin Hood that his son, Rolland can summon the Dark Shadow that steals little boys from their bedroom windows. That way Neil can grab on for a free ride to Neverland. Robin Hood will not budge until Neil reminds him Rumpelstiltskin once saved his wife's life, and he relents.
 
That's the magic of the logic of Once Upon A Time.

Regina stays behind, not wanting to see Tinkerbell. The others go on without her, but this proves not to be a great idea, when Tinkerbell comes out from behind a huge paper mache rock and blows unconscious dust in her face.

Tinkerbell visits Queen Regina and they take a ride with the stolen pixie dust.

Yee-haw!

The dust makes a trail to a village where apparently Regina's happiness is waiting for her. They peek through the tavern window and zero in on the luminescent dude with a lion tattoo on his forearm. That's the guy who will make her happy. That's the guy she is destined to be with. Regina opens the door...then runs away.

Oh man! The commercial for the Toy Story Halloween special looks AWESOME.

Sorry, I digress.

CSE and the others find Tinkerbell's tree house is empty. They channel Scooby Doo and quickly figure out Tinkerbell has been tracking them and has probably captured Regina.

Regina realizes Tinkerbell doesn't have magic and is therefore not a threat. But Tinkerbell grabs a deadly thorn from the deadly thorn bush that's maybe called shadow bane—I'm not sure and I was too lazy to rewind. Anyway, Regina doesn't even flinch. She rips out her own heart and thrusts it in Tinkerbell's hand, calling her bluff.

Say what you will, but that move took balls.

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 Queen Regina lies to Tinkerbell and says the man with the lion tattoo was not her true love, in fact he was horrible. But Tinkerbell sees through her act. Regina then confesses she was in love before, but doesn't want to be hurt again. Tinkerbell is upset because she stole for Regina!

What the heck will she do now?!

The Blue Fairy catches up to Tinkerbell and gets all Mother Superior in her face for betraying her trust; she no longer believes in her. Tinkerbell loses her wings and falls to the ground.

While Tinkerbell clutches her heart, Regina said she left without seeing her true love because she was afraid to be happy. She thought without her anger she'd be weak. So she chose revenge over hope, and it made her heart black.

Tinkerbell gives Regina her heart back, but says it's took late to save Henry because he's been with Peter Pan for too long.

Peter Pan tells Henry that Neverland runs on magic. People have stopped believing around the world and considering he's the truest believer, it's his job to make the world believe again. He is the only one who can save Neverland. Henry isn't convinced.

Hmm...wouldn't that make him a non-believer?

While Rolland is situated to go up as bait Neil gives everyone a lesson about making sure you tell the one you love how you truly feel. Mulan nods knowingly because she's hot for Prince Phillip, Aurora's fella.

Rolland stands up against the bedroom window and says, “I believe.” The window bangs open, and the shadow flies in. Mulan does some sword work to make sure Rolland isn't dragged off. Neil grabs hold and he's off to Neverland.

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Seeing how fantastic she is with a sword, Robin Hood offers Mulan a place among his Merry Men, but she declines his offer and rushes off to see Phillip, ready to lay her heart at his feet. She arrives to see Aurora glowing with news that she and Phillip are preggers. Mulan is visible crushed. She tells Aurora she's joining Robin Hood after all.

Good to have a back up plan.

The others find Regina and Tinkerbell, they offer her a ride back to the Enchanted forest if she helps them find Peter Pan's camp. She breaks it to them she has no pixie dust, but she can still convince Peter Pan to let her into his hideaway.

David tries to put on a brave face while he imagines the clock ticking down. No fairy dust, no cure.

Too bad no one believes in her because that's where all her magic comes from. I bet that's not going to come up again.

Neil gets dropped by the Dark Shadow and is immediately met by one of the Lost Boys.

Tinkerbell asks Regina about the man with the lion tattoo and tells her it was selfish she didn't go in to meet him because she ended up ruining his life as well.

 Mulan enters the camp and shakes Robin Hood's hand accepting his offer, and what do you know....lion tattoo.

So this means Mulan will probably fall in love with this dude, only to lose him to Regina when they all eventually end up meeting in a vortex. Like I said, it sucks to be Mulan.

Is This About The Underwear?

A comfortable pair of underwear is a cherished item, my friends. It can be the difference between having a great day or a lousy one filled with exploding pens, broken heels, paper cuts and sideways rain that renders your umbrella useless as you run for the bus.

I think you know where I'm going with this, I LOVE comfy underthings.

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lululemon, Halifax, NS

Imagine my excitement when my favorite brand of lululemon unmentionables went on sale!!!

The yoga gear clad girl at the cash asked if I wanted a bag for my purchase. I laughed. It would be like the using a full sized grocery bag for one egg.

I said, no thanks, then gathered my backpack and continued on my way to work. A few hours later, I dug out my lunch and I realized my new pair of underwear weren't in my backpack.

Ugh. I had forgotten them on the counter.

I phoned the store, hating how I'd have to explain how stupid I was. But the voice that answered wasn't a pert melodic female. It was a dude. And he sounded hot.

Double ugh.

I'm way too old to be blushing over the phone because of a boy, but when I had to ask him to look for my forgotten underwear, my ears were on fiyah

He was polite and asked for my name. Then he said I could pick them up anytime. After my ears cooled down, I wondered if he was hoping I was some long legged beauty of toned calves and taught abs. I considered sending my niece in my place. She's built like Jessica Rabbit. And if they hit if off, it would be a great story to tell their kids.

Instead, I waited for the next day. It was only underwear, I reasoned, and the dude probably forgot all about it. I strolled up to the cash, relieved to see three smiling girls all in a row. I dropped my voice and asked for my package.

The girl's eyes grew wide. She had no idea what I was talking about. "A forgotten purchase?" she was stunned. Apparently, no one has ever done that in her whole young life.

And that's when I heard his voice, "Is this about the underwear?"

I turned and we faced each other. I took in his stylish, two day stubble. He took in my grey roots. I knew in that fraction of a second as I watched his smile fade, I should have sent in my niece.

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                                                  The chiseled and disappointed clerk (not exactly as shown, but pretty close).

Life is full of disappointments and chances not taken, I guess. It was a cruel lesson for him that day.

His fantasy was crushed, but at least I had my favorite underwear...and a title for this post.

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 2, "The Lost Girl"

Or better title, "Fakers, Fighters, and Frickin' Darkness"

Mr. Gold stands in front of a campfire in a jungle clearing. He pulls out The Dark One's dagger and uses it to summon a mysterious shadow beast/demon thing. At his request, the creature takes the dagger and hides it where even he won't be able to find it.

Emma and the gang continue to make a path through the jungle with Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) as their guide. They have to be careful in the perpetual darkness because there is a plant with thorns that has a deadly magic that can kill—even the Dark One.

Hmm...that was interesting.

The reach the top of the cliff, but CSE is unable to see Peter Pan's hideout. Well, that would make sense since it's so FRICKIN' dark. They have to go around the aptly name Dark Jungle. They make camp, hoping to rest up before the next big fight.  

In the Enchanted Forest (not to be confused with the Fantastical Field or Cursed Chasm) the magic mirror reveals to the Evil Queen that Prince Charming has just woken Snow White with true love's kiss.

Battle on!

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Snow White starts recruiting villagers for her army. The Evil Queen arrives with a deadly ultimatum; she wants Snow White to give up her claim to the throne or else a random peasant girl will die.

*Enter random peasant girl*

The Evil Queen promises to kill one of the peasants each day until Snow White steps down.

This so lame. Haven't we been through all this before? Zzzz

Emma wakes in the jungle to crying voices. She grabs her sword and decides to investigate. She finds Peter Pan, who gloatingly tells her he's looking forward to battling her for Henry. He then hands her a magical parchment that will lead her to Henry—(and the big battle I'm guessing). But the map is blank. Emma will only be able to find Henry when she finally accepts her true identity...the savior.

Emma takes her wand and says, “I solemnly swear to be up to no good.” Sorry, just kidding.

*Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Instead, Emma and the others bicker about what to do next. Regina wants to use her magic on the map, but Emma won't let her. Mary Margaret uselessly encourages her with, "Don't give up."

Snow White and Prince Charming have a meeting with the dwarfs. She considers taking the Evil Queen's offer so the fighting can stop and they can all live peacefully. Charming says that's crazy ridiculous, the Kingdom is hers for God's sake! Charming goes to Rumpelstiltskin because obviously only magic can fix this whole mess.

Mr. Gold is playing with his corn husk doll, which is kind of sill considering he's the Dark One and everything. A cloaked figure jumps out and grabs the doll. He chases them down and unmasks the thief...it's Belle.

How did she get there?

She leans in for a kiss, then Mr. Gold realizes Belle is only a vision.

Anyway, back to glittery Rumpelstiltskin and Prince Charming. "Magic can't make someone believe," he giggles. "Belief must come from within." But Charming won't take no for an answer.

He's learned that you just keep asking for the same thing and it will be given to you. It's called 'toddler tactic'. 

A-ha! There is a magical weapon that will help Snow White defeat the Evil Queen, by showing her who she really is.

Emma tries talking to the map. She says stuff like, "I'm Henry's Mother. My name is Emma Swan." Nothing is working. Then she tries, "I was sent through a portal to break a curse...I'm the savior." Regina gets impatient and snatches the map away. She performs the locator spell. They watch as the floating paper goes into the Dark Jungle.

Watch out for the deadly thorns!

Belle's fake hologram or whatever she is, takes Mr. Gold on a stroll through the jungle. He confesses he's a coward just like his father, and is useless to save Henry. Belle asks about the corn husk doll. It was the last thing his father gave to him. Belle tells him he has to let go of the past.

Funny, I don't remember seeing that at the shop.

In a truly metaphoric moment, he throws the doll away.

Prince Charming and Snow White journey to the top of a hill for the weapon, Excalibur. Prince Charming tries, but it won't budge. Only the kingdom's true ruler can wield...well you know the rest. Snow White effortlessly pulls the sword from the stone.

The map leads Emma and the gang to an even darker part of the jungle. Peter Pan and his Mad Max orphans surround them. A fight ensues with swords, magic fireballs and arrows. David gets a scratch. Emma tackles a kid, but she suddenly stops herself from beating him up.

Why? Maybe because he's a kid?

Anyway, Peter Pan calls off his hounds and they quickly disappear into the jungle.

The Evil Queen arrives at the village prepared to start killing random peasants, but Snow White is ready with Excalibur and runs at her like Last of the Mohicans. “This is my kingdom and I will fight for it.” She yells.

Go girl! 

Mary Margaret asks Emma why she stopped fighting one of the Lost Boys. Emma confesses she saw herself in his expression; desperate, unloved, someone who cried every night wondering why her parents gave her up. In other words, a lost girl in the foster system.

She's the LOST GIRL. Where is Pinocchio? He still needs to be beaten up for leaving her in that orphanage.

She doesn't feel like a hero or a savior, the island makes her feel like...an orphan. Ta-da! The map reveals itself.

Snow White travels to see Rumpelstiltskin and offers to pay whatever Prince Charming promised for Excalibur. He does his little giggle and dance show and makes the sword disintegrate.

It was a fake! Prince Charming faked her out so she would have the confidence needed to fulfill. What a faker!

Just like when Harry pretended to give Ron Felix Felicis before the Quidditch match!

*Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Snow White is super mad, but Prince Charming defends his actions, saying he only needed to remind her of how awesome she is.

I love it when the writers hit us over the head with the theme. Yeah, thanks we get it, they had to believe in their true selves. 

CSE reads Emma's orphan map and they decide to make a sneaky plan of attack worthy of Scooby Doo.

Meanwhile Mr. Gold treks through the jungle alone. Out of the night sky, the corn husk doll falls in front of him. He sets it on fire, determined to leave his past behind. Then another doll appears, but this one he keeps.

Huh?

Peter Pan pays Emma a visit and boldly states she hasn't given forgiven her parents for abandoning her. And by the time she finally finds Henry, he'll feel the same way about her. Then he promises to make her an orphan again.

Yikes.

David waits until Mary Margaret is asleep. He lifts up his shirt to reveal his sword wound has gone from a thin scratch to a creepy gross magical infection.

Hey, too bad David's true identity isn't a healer.

In Case You Were Wondering...

Thanks to everyone who commented on facebook, twitter, here, and of course on wattpad. I'm pleased to present the new face of NIGHT SHIFT. You can read it FREE here!

Thanks to Aleksandra Dali, a fantastically supportive reader on wattpad for designing this eye catching cover. Check out her stories here.