Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 1, "Magic, Dancing, and Mouth Kissing"

Oh my goodness, is it that time again already?

Desiree is back and she is ready for love... again. It wasn't that long ago when Sean walked her rose-less butt to the limo for her good-bye drive home.

Desiree says that even though she grew up in poverty, her parents provided a loving home and are still together. She weeps as she tells us a loving family is all that she wants.

And this of course is why she's on TV again, because it worked out so well last year.

She spoke of Sean and became weepy again, but it's happy tears because she's ready to make out with other guys while he watches from his living room.

The host arrives and shows Desiree all the cool stuff that comes with being The Bachelorette. Desiree thoroughly enjoys her temporary mansion and luxury car. Again, she reminds us that all she wants is love.

She says, “I'm hoping there is a man who can control all this love.”

Hopefully, he arrives with tissues.

Desiree then cries, “I've been through the good and the bad of love. And now my fairy tale is here.”

Oh, dear.


First up is Bryden, a soldier who looks like he stepped out of the Cro-Magnon man display in the museum.

Will is a banker who does bikram yoga.

Why is he single?

Pretty boy Drew, tells us he's ready to fall in love with Desiree because "not only is she genuine, but she's real too."

I think Drew is both smart and intelligent.

Then there's the magician who designs his own suits—I'm not bothering to remember his name and I bet Desiree won't either.

One dude, Zach, is waaay too fit and likes to walk around without clothes.

I never invite naked guys over to my place, you never know where they'll sit. 

Robert is a cute entrepreneur who is hoping to bring home a new mommy for his dog.


The dental student says, “The happiest you can be in life is when you're in love.”

Or eating Nutella out of the jar.
Desiree changes into her silver mermaid dress and adds some hair extensions. This can only mean one thing...

*cue the limos full of guys*

One cute guy is so nervous he can't form a sentence. Desiree laughs because she likes her men stupid.

Brad tackle hugs her and then mentions how she gave Sean a penny to make a wish when they first met. He produces a wishbone for them to break. Desiree wins.

I bet she wished the cute guy would come back.
The next contestant ALSO mentions Sean and the lost penny. He gives her a penny and they both toss them in the fountain to make a wish.

Dear fellas,

Don't mention the guy who still makes her cry.


Aunt Bethany

Smiling Kasey comes out and gives her a list of popular hashtags she could use on twitter as the new Bachelorette.

Here's some I thought up for Kasey; #loser #norose4you #getlost

Will, the flexible banker gives her a high five, and the nickname of Athena.

Dear fellas,

Real gifts cost money and come in pretty boxes with sparkly bows.


Aunt Bethany
Jonathan, a lawyer with caterpillars for eyebrows, brings her an envelope that contains a hotel room key. He says he's all for skipping the whole rose ceremony thing if she wants to jump right to the fantasy suite episode.

Every person on the planet cringes in unison.

The next guy, Zack, the naked dude from earlier, forgot to wear a shirt.

Isn't there a health regulation about that?

Now the faces and names are coming out fast and furious.

James tells her she can get old and fat—he doesn't mind.

Larry, a spectacle wearing ER doctor, gives her an impromptu dance lesson and she rips her dress.

Code Duffus!

The magician arrives and gives her a rose.

I'm guessing he'll have to conjure up one of those on his own later.

Oh. My. Nerves. One poor schmuck is dressed as a knight. He takes off his helmet and it's a Shrek moment.

Desiree says, “You're so funny.”

Translation: I don't find you attractive at all.
Mike, the dental student, actually wore his dental jacket.

Wha??? Way too many weird Novocaine jokes come to mind. 

Juan from Brazil arrives and oozes with Latin charm, he also gives her chocolate.

FINALLY! A real gift.

Well played, Juan.

Brandon, a total cutie, shows up on a motorcycle.


But just when things are improving, the next few contestants vying for Desiree's heart are a disappointment. One guy is wearing a horrible home made suit and the other recites a poem that sounded like it was written in crayon. 

Dear fellas,

Here's a few tips; look nice, smell nice, and compliment her.


Aunt Bethany

The last guy, Ben, brings his son. Brody is only two, yet he showed more class than any of the guys so far.
It's time for the cocktail party. Let the show of feathers begin.

The magician performs 'the disappearing lady' act by whisking Desiree away for the first one on one time. But before he can pull out his deck and ask her to pick a card, one of the cutie patooties sneaks in and charms her off to another love seat.

Desiree spends some time with Ben 'the hot daddy'. He gets the first rose BEFORE the ceremony.

This makes the other guys nervous and wish they'd brought their kids to the party as well.

Things have reached critical levels of stupidity when the shirtless guy actually takes off his pants and jumps in the pool. Every one laughs, and then every one leaves.
Juan brings out the soccer ball and does his best David Beckam for Desiree. This is the guy who brought chocolates, remember? The name 'Juan' is Spanish for smart/sexy.

As the stack of roses get smaller, the dudes begin to roam the mansion in small groups, hoping to pick off the weaker more vulnerable of the pack.

Larry, the ER doctor, takes her aside and apologizes for the disastrous dip. He then tells her he watched the whole season with Sean and that she was his favorite. He takes off his glasses and tries to give her a smoldering stare, but it comes off as 'creepy, drunk guy.'

The only other guy who makes Larry look good is Jonathan, the 'fantasy suite lawyer'. He tells us, “My mom says I'm good looking." 

He readies his bedroom with candles and pillows, apparently making an impromptu fantasy suite. He says to the camera, “I want to kiss Desiree on the mouth. My love tank is full and has been building for over a year.”

I. Did. Not. Make. That. Up.

As part of his plan of seduction, he pleads with her in the dark hallway, trying to get her to join him.

This was an awesome opportunity for one of the guys to jump in and act all HERO, but they wait and watch. Finally Desiree tells Jonathan to leave and to take his full love tank with him. 
Here's a hashtag for Jonathan, #restrainingorder
The host suddenly comes out from behind the red curtain, holding a wine glass and a knife. So he either got interrupted while having dinner, or he was going to knife fight Jonathan.

I'm guessing it was the first option.

Instead, he reminds them it's time for the rose ceremony.
The tense music begins.

I hit the fast forward button.

Going home are Larry, the homemade suit guy, the dentist, the magician and a few nameless dudes. Staying are all the hot ones.

Larry says, “It's embarrassing to go home early. I practiced that dip so much. Out of the fifty people I dipped, only two of them fell.”

Hmm, I think I know who the real dip is here.

The magician says, “I just want to find the right girl.”

Try checking up your sleeve.

Diego, the guy in the knight suit is shocked he's going home.


Who is your favorite guy so far? And remember, if you see Jonathan, run the other way.

Saturday, 25 May 2013

The Five People You Meet On The Bus


I love taking the bus!

I never have to worry about parking, obnoxious drivers who constantly blare their horns and ride my back fender, or having to turn left during heavy traffic...plus it's full of potential characters for future stories.

And I've noticed something lately; almost every passenger falls into five categories.

#1. The Door Hogger. This person doesn't even bother taking an empty seat, but instead parks themselves in front of the exit door for a quick getaway. Seriously? What about the other people who are getting off BEFORE you? And they usually have ginormous backpacks, so that they manage to block off a third of the bus as well.

#2. The Music Zombie. You've seen them; earbuds in place, head nodding in a slow rhythm, vacant stare out the window. They're good to sit by while you give dagger eyeballs to #1.

#3. The Talker. Holy crow! I loath this traveler. Please stop commenting on everything! Just because I smiled at you and said good morning doesn't mean I want to pretend we're Live with Kelly and Michael! And have you ever noticed that the person who talks the most has absolutely nothing interesting to say?


#4. The Reader. Always sit by this person if you have the chance. They're quiet, polite, and never hog the door or block the pathway. It is my dream to one day sit beside 'the reader' and discover they're reading one of my books. *sends wish to publishing fairies*

#5. The Watcher. This person is actually pretending to be #2 or #4, but they're really checking out the rest of the bus, putting everyone in categories for her blog. Um...yeah, I'm a Watcher. And if I find you quirky enough, you'll be in my next story.

Have you seen these people on the bus/subway?

Friday, 17 May 2013

Forty-Two Ways To Celebrate

This is what 42 books look like. I'm going to need a really big backpack.

I love birthdays! Cake, ice cream, and pretty wrapping paper may have something to do with that. I especially love my own—I call it Bethmas Day.

I also love books. This year I decided to combine the two and celebrate in a big way to let EVERYONE enjoy Bethmas in the way it was intended...by reading.

Taking a cue from Rock the drop 2013, I'm going to do my own version around my beautiful city of Halifax, Nova Scotia.

On May 20th, I'll be leaving forty-two different books (slightly used but much loved and in excellent condition) in various locations around the city.

It might be Uncommon Grounds, it might be the Public Gardens, or it might even be the #1 bus. I will be tweeting clues throughout the day.

Inside each book there will be a greeting from me and a link to this post.

I look forward to hearing from all the 'finders'. And if you're not a fan of the story you happen across, do your own rock the drop and leave it for the next person.

Merry Bethmas!


Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Why the 'Once Upon A Time' Finale Flopped


So the big finale was on this week. Yup, that's right, the finale. The show ABC promoted with the certain destruction of Storybrooke, including a super crazy twist, and all kinds of fairy tale fun.

It was going to be a final episode so awesome it would spellbind viewers and keep them thinking about the show over the summer break. What, I wondered, would be the cliffhanger ending or the clever twist. Would there be closure to certain story-lines in a meaningful way or would there be new ones, intended to seduce us to hold on for another season?

Once Upon A Time's big finale, Straight On Til Morning didn't exactly fulfill the above.

In fact, the very last scene was enough to make me go, "Um...huh?"

The Lost Boys bring Baelfire ashore to see the scary and powerful being only referred to as 'the shadow.'

The shadow steals boys from their bedrooms by luring them to a place called Neverland; an island with mermaids, pirates, and sword fights, but more importantly...no rules. But once the boys get on the island, they're not allowed to leave.

Ew. Yuck. Repeat. Peter Pan is NOT like that. J.M. Barrie is rolling over in his grave.

Baelfire is rejected by the shadow since he isn't the boy he's looking for. One of the Lost Boys call the shadow by the name of Peter Pan and the spooky music starts.

Wait..? That's the twist?

Anyone with half a brain or even in a coma would have figured out the shadow is Peter Pan.

But wait, there's more. One of the Lost Boys shows a picture of the boy Peter Pan has been searching for...and it's Henry.

Oh! That's the big twist.

*picks up phone and calls ABC*

Excuse me, but that makes no sense. A twelve year old version of Baelfire was cast aside because he didn't resemble the boy in the picture.

See the problem?

The Lost Boys are looking at a sketch of a kid who won't be born for another twenty years!!!

The series started out promising. So good in fact, it kept me watching this year when I should have turned off the show. But this season the rules are all over the place. The stakes are raised, only to have an easy way out.

How many times have the characters been in a crunch because they couldn't use magic only to have a forgotten spell or some kind of 'new' magic save them anyway?

A perfect example is in the finale when Emma was able to help Regina contain the trigger. The most powerful spell to disable the most powerful curse was absolved in a couple of minutes when Emma decided she was magical enough to give it a try. Lucky for Storybrooke since she only suffered a bruised knee when the spell was absorbed and the whole town was saved.

Sure. Of course.

I'm not sure how long I can stay loyal to a show that insults my intelligence by adding inconsistent elements for convenience sake. If I wrote a story that way, my agent would make me start all over again. And rightly so, it's cheating.

And let's not forget they killed off the Sheriff in season one. Now if ABC gave him a show, I'd totally tune into that.

Are you going to keep watching Once Upon A Time?


Monday, 13 May 2013

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 22, “And Straight On Til Morning”

Or better title, “Doesn't Matter”


We're aboard Captain Hook's ship while he broods over a sketch of Mila. Bill Smead is worried about the boy they plucked from the ocean, but Hook sees this as an opportunity. He questions Baelfire and it's soon apparent that he's the son of his dead girlfriend. Hook keeps this info a secret and instead offers Baelfire a spot on his ship.

As Henry enjoys the Storybrooke playground, Mr. Gold watches from behind, lurking like he always does. Mary Margaret and David arrive and tell him that Neil had been shot by Tamara and then slipped through another portal, and is now probably dead.

David then drops the bomb about Regina's trigger. Mr. Gold blames himself for Neil's demise and is quite happy to let Storybrooke explode all around him.

Never ask a grieving father to help end a diabolical plan.

Hook walks through the mining tunnels with Tamara and Greg. They take a pick axe and explain that according to their people, once they smash the diamond trigger, it will activate the self destruct sequence.

Regina gets up just as Henry, Mary Margaret, Emma, and David enter the apartment. The room suddenly shakes. Regina tells them the trigger has been activated. Everyone will die except for Henry, since he's the only one born in this world.

Hook arrives and says he's on their team now since Greg and Tamara are crazy pants. He's all about revenge, but he's more into living.

Emma comes up with the super fantastic plan for David and Hook to find some magic beans, while she helps Regina slow down the trigger.

How? Doesn't matter.

In the meantime Mary Margaret and Henry will round up all the magic folk to be ready to leave.


Hook tells Bill Smead he's not giving Baelfire over to 'the shadow thing.' The Lost Boys arrive like creepy vampire monks and decide to search the ship for Baelfire. Apparently the shadow doesn't like to lose boys that belong to him.


Hook retrieves Baelfire from his hiding place, but scoffs at the notion that he's a nice guy for keeping him away from the creep squad.

The dwarfs invade Mr. Gold's shop. Grumpy says Mother Superior (the blue fairy) came up with a spell that will return Sneezy's memories. Once she had a hair from Pinocchio, a creature who returned to his genuine self, the spell was complete.

Ouch. Headache.

Anyway, the dwarfs are there to get Sneezy's beer stein which happened to be in Mr. Gold's shop.

How? Doesn't matter.

Before he leaves, Grumpy gives an extra does of potion to Mr. Gold to use on racy Lacey. But he tucks it away, since the new version of Belle likes bad guys with even worse teeth.

Hook and Baelfire bond at the wheel and talk nautical stuff. Baelfire tells Hook about his dad being The Dark One and how he changed into a bad dude once he became magical.

David and Hook walk through the sardine cannery looking for some loose magic beans Tamara might have dropped. They surprise Greg, but Tamara is his back up and starts firing rounds. A fight/chase/struggle ensues. Greg and Tamara end up getting away with a bottle of beans, but Hook manages to get one.

How? Doesn't matter.

Regina and Emma go into the mine.

How did they know where the trigger was? Doesn't matter.


Regina tells Emma that in order to contain the curse she will have to absorb all the magic. She WILL die. She asks Emma to tell Henry that in the end she became the person he wanted her to be. She ignores Emma's pleas and starts the magic absorbing act.

Slowly, Storybrooke is taken over by the forest. Mr. Gold and Lacey share a drink while the town screams from the streets. He realizes he wants Belle back before they both die. He pours the potion in her chipped cup and she takes a swig. Instantly Belle has the memories of Sneezy.

Just kidding, it's Belle. And they immediately start to make out.

Damn you, ABC. *Shakes fist at TV*

The both hug each other and grieve for Neil.

David and Hook arrive at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat and announce they have a bean. It's all a go until Emma tells Henry about Regina's plan to suck up all the bad magic. Henry comes up with the idea to toss the trigger into the vortex.

Emma worries this won't work and Henry will be left alone in a forest in the middle of nowhere. Mary Margaret works her Joan Crawford eyebrows and tells Emma they have to try and save Regina.

Emma finally agrees, then Hook grabs the bean. He says Regina owes them her life. Emma gets all in his face slobbering about how Henry lost his dad today and how dare Hook look so sexy when everyone is about to die.

Hook gives her a funny glance and asks who Henry's father was. She tells him it was Neil, aka Baelfire.

Back on the pirate ship, Bill Smead challenges Hook to give up Baelfire or the shadow will destroy them all. Baelfire comes above deck with a knife and his mother's portrait from Hook's desk. Hook confesses that Mila was his true love and that Rumpelstiltskin ripped out her heart and crushed it.

Baelfire blames Hook for destroying his family.

Regina is surprised when the group shows up ready with the bean-portal-trigger-plan. When Emma opens up the pouch it's empty. Hook sails away on his ship, magic bean in hand.

Hook tries to convince Baelfire not to jump ship, but he's not buying into the pirate life. The Lost Boys arrive and take Baelfire without a fight.

The forest takes over Storybrooke. Regina tells Emma, David, Mary Margaret, and Henry that the end is near. Everyone group hugs and Emma comes up with another great idea. Since she's magical when it's convenient, she puts her hands on the trigger as well.

How? Doesn't matter.

After a few minutes, both women are pushed to the ground and the diamond goes black again.

The forest retreats and everyone is alive. Again they group hug. Once the love fest is over they realize Henry is missing. Emma runs through the tunnels and finds Tamara's bag.

Tamara and Greg have Henry and are rushing out of town. It seems the really didn't want the magic of Storybrooke, they wanted Henry.

Emma and the gang chase them down to the waterfront. Tamara throws a bean into the harbour creating a vortex to another world. She and Greg jump in with Henry in tow.

Emma screams as the vortex closes over. Mr. Gold and Belle arrive just in time to get caught up on all the news. When no one has any hope left, Hook turns his ship around offers up the last magic bean. Mr. Gold offers his services since he can track where Tamara and Greg have gone.

How? Doesn't matter.

Hook gives Mr. Gold the stinky eye since he's the dude he's been trying to kill for a few decades. Anyway, Mr. Gold tells Belle she has to stay and take care of Storybrooke since Greg and Tamara were a small part of a large group of wackos. He leaves her instructions rolled up in ribbon about how to put the town under an invisibility spell. He casually mentions the prophecy of how Henry will be his undoing.

Belle starts to cry when she realizes Rumpelstiltskin isn't coming back. He needs to save Henry to honor Baelfire's memory.

Neil washes up on a shore and is quickly rescued by Mulan, Aurora and Prince Phillip.

Hey, guys! How you doin'?

Mr. Gold wastes no time on Hook's ship before he gets out his magic globe to track Henry.

How? Doesn't matter.

His face grows even more lined. He locks eyes with Hook. Henry is being taken to Neverland. Hook grows nervous and tells them they're about to face someone they should all fear—Peter Pan.

The Lost Boys come ashore with Baelfire, but he doesn't match the sketch of the boy Peter Pan is looking for, he's looking for Henry.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

#1. Hook's leather pants.

#2. The vortex plan actually made sense.

#3. Neil is still alive.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

#1. Mary Margaret's eyebrows. Holy cannoli! Am I the only one who noticed?

#2. Peter Pan does NOT kidnap little boys.

#3. Emma's magical ability is way too convenient.


Since this is the last episode until next season, I've decided to start blogging Game Of Thrones. The only thing I know about the show is that there are dragons, everyone is dirty, and there are a lot of battle scenes.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Why Kids Deserve Sugar


My son's elementary school recently made the decision to replace the one of the most popular events in their fund raiser Fair because of 'unhealty practices'.

The Cake Walk is like musical chairs except all the chairs are numbered. When the music stops the teacher randomly selects a number. The person sitting on the chair with that number wins a cake!

Awesome, right?

Except this year, the school board feels the cakes are inappropriate and have replaced the Cake Walk with the Prize Walk.

Huh? The cake is the prize, dude.

Instead of towers of beautiful and delicious cakes with mounds of icing, there will be piles of 'stuff' from the Dollar Store. Not only is this horrible from an environmental point of view, but what about the CAKES!!!

Allow me to digress.

Back in my elementary school days we had a Spring Fair as well, but you had to EARN stuff. There was no Sucker Pull or Fish Pond where all you had to do was show up to win a treat. The games were tough. If you walked away with anything you were a king, and the swag lasted weeks, my friend.

I would save up quarters and dimes, waiting for the day. You see, my mom was a bit of a health food freak, and store bought cookies and certainly cakes were never seen on the table. Dessert at my house was yogurt or an apple.

I don't know how I ever survived such neglect.

Anyway, when I was ten, I had a strategy in mind. All of my Spring Fair tickets would go to the Cake Walk. The odds were with me, or at least that's the way my grade five brain did the math back then.

The morning of the Spring Fair, I marched up to the Cake Walk full of conviction, the pockets of my pink corduroy pants were loaded with tickets. The overweight gym teacher, Mrs. H., was in her standard navy blue Adidas track suit, looking like Grimace from McDonalds. Each time I lost, I got right back in line. Mrs. H. didn't even bat an eyelash.


After half an hour of circling the chairs, listening to Sharon, Lois, and Bram, with no cake to speak of, I began to lose faith in my plan. I gave a sideways glance to the Bean Bag Toss, but then, at the last second, I gave in and handed my last two tickets to Mrs. H.

I was determined to bring home a REAL dessert for the table that night, darnit!

I sized up the kids around me. Everyone was already carrying little bags of loot they'd won that day. No worries though, the cake that was next in line was something out of Willy Wonka's factory. It had three layers of chocolate, and was topped with those pink icing roses.

I took a deep breath and silently prayed to the sugar gods. But then Mrs. H. did something no one was expecting. She didn't reach for the next cake in line, she chose something else—something hidden and apparently forgotten under the table.

The other kids' faces showed the horrific reality that settled in my heart. Mrs. H. plopped a bag of oranges on the stool in the middle of the circle.

Dear God, we were competing for FRUIT!

The music started. It was too late to turn in my tickets. I had no choice but to shuffle my Keds along, doing my best silent protest against such an atrocity. I was so mad I didn't hear the music stop. Mrs. H. cleared her throat into the microphone. I sat down and crossed my arms giving the floor my best 'lemon face'.

Mrs. H. groped in the bowl for a number ball. "Who's lucky number seven?" she yelled out.

All the kids except me checked the back of their chairs. One by one relief set in in their features.

"Number seven?" Mrs. H. repeated.

Can you guess who was lucky number seven?

Yup. Me.

I dragged that bag of oranges around for the rest of the afternoon, ignoring the teasing snickers from class mates.

FYI, no one wants to trade oranges for ANYTHING, even a scratch and sniff sticker that's lost its smell.

The oranges banged against my knees as I walked home, the disappointment weighed over me like a wet blanket. It was a sharp contrast to the image I'd procured for weeks. It was my hope and dream to arrive home, holding a beautiful cake aloft—hero at the dinner table.

This will not be the fate of any of the kids in my son's elementary school, and for that I'm a little sad. I'm not saying kids should eat cake and candy whenever they want, but there is a reason cake is served at special occasions...because it is special.

And no amount of plastic junk from the dollar store is going to replace that feeling.


Monday, 6 May 2013

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 21, "Second Star To The Right"

Or better title, "Ew. Yuck. Gross."

Baelfire is being sucked into a green vortex while Rumpelstiltskin's grip slips. As we all know by now, Rumpelstiltskin loses Father Of The Year award by choosing magic over his son. Baelfire gets whisked away to a land where there is no magic...London, England.

Six months later, Baelfire is a typical orphan, looking like he's ready to audition for the musical version of Oliver Twist. He sneaks into a lavish house, and ravishes a loaf of bread. A young girl is alerted by the barking Saint Bernard, but instead of throwing him out, she offers him more food, she introduces herself as Wendy Darling.


Tamara leaves Neil for her early morning jog/secret diabolical plan. He stays in bed but is soon woken by a screaming Dr. Whale. Mr. Gold and Lacey are having sport by bullying random towns people. Neil breaks up the fight and reminds Mr. Gold he's not being much of a role model.
Dear ABC,

Why does Mr. Gold not care about Neil anymore? Didn't he orchestrate the whole elaborate curse just to find Neil?

Emma and David break into Regina's office looking for the missing magic beans. They find the plant, but, uh-oh no beans, plus no one has seen Regina. Emma can tell from the alarm that someone overrode the security system. Henry is worried. Mary Margaret and David thinks it's Mr. Gold, but Emma is still convinced Tamara is guilty of anything that goes wrong in Storybrooke.

Hook has Regina strapped down on a stretcher as Tamara and Greg watch behind glass. Tamara shows Greg the magic beans she just stole from Regina's office. Greg shows her the gold bag with the big black diamond that he found on Regina (trigger to end the curse and destroy Storbrooke). He's clueless of course.

Obsessed with finding his father, Greg begins to shock Regina, convinced torturing her will lead to information about his dad. Hook walks out, since he's only into torturing and killing Rumpelstiltskin.


Wendy's parents find out that she's been hiding Baelfire in the nursery. Instead of throwing him to the nearest workhouse, Mrs. Darling adopts him.


Emma takes her concerns about Tamara to Neil. He can't believe his fiance is a stealer of magic beans AND killer of wooden puppet men. But he goes with Emma anyway because she looks really hot with her hair down.

Wendy shows Baelfire around the nursery and excitedly tells him about the magic shadow that comes to the window sill sometimes. Baelfire grow pale and says magic always comes with a price. He begs her to NEVER open that window. Magic breaks up families.

Or in the right hands can defeat Lord Voldemort, but whatever.

Mary Margaret and David pay Lacey and Mr. Gold a visit. Since he still owes David a favor, Mr. Gold shows then a vial that contains one of Regina's tears. In order for the spell to work, he needs one of Mary Margaret's tears.

How can he expect her to cry on demand? Oh, never mind, she's crying already. Well, that was easy.

Now Mary Margaret can see and feel everything Regina is experiencing.

Remember that okay? SEE and FEEL everything.

Mary Margaret takes the potion, hoping that if she helps Regina this time, some of the light will come back in and make her good again.

Right, because it's happened all the other times Mary Margaret helped her.

Back in the Darling Nursery, Baelfire wakes up and sees Wendy sitting on the window sill, eagerly waiting to be whisked off to a magical land. The shadow comes and takes Wendy away, while Baelfire watches in horror.

Emma and Neil walk on the beach and open up old wounds while they search for clues that will link his fiance to the Mayor's disappearance. Tamara crosses their path in her running gear and Emma feels foolish.

After Tamara leaves to continue her fake run, Neil finally apologizes to Emma for being such a loser and letting her go to jail for him. Plus there's that staying away from her for the next ten years thing, too.


Regina tolerates the torture treatment while Greg and Tamara monologue about how evil and dirty magic is and their job is to cleanse the land.


Apparently they're not the only ones. They tell Regina there is an army of people who want to rid the world of magic.

Has anyone called Disney?

Mary Margaret is getting shocked by proxy in her apartment. This makes sense because she can FEEL AND SEE everything that's happening to Regina. Mary Margaret tells David she can feel intense pain and that it's cold and smells like sardines.

Dear ABC,

Too bad she can't remember the faces of the people towering over her, staring down at her, explaining their diabolical plan in detail.

Emma is on her cell phone with David when he gives her the super important sardines clue. She and Neil go speedy quick to Storybrooke's cannery.

Hey, they should see Cinderella's guy, Sean! He works at the cannery...or he used to. Where are they, anyway?


Baelfire is woken by Wendy returning from her trip. She tells him she was away for much longer than one night. At first it was lovely with mermaids and fairies, but when night came all the children started crying and wanted their parents. But the shadow won't let anyone leave Neverland.

Wendy only managed to return because the Shadow doesn't want girls. She begins to shake and cry and tells Baelfire the shadow is coming back the next night for her little brothers.

Dear ABC,

Ew. Yuck. Gross. Extremely uncomfortable twist.

Emma and Neil sneak through the cannery only to end up running into David and Mary Margaret. Tamara can see the others on the monitor and lets Greg know that they're about to be found. He won't leave Regina until she tells him the whereabouts of  his father. After Tamara takes off, Regina buckles and tells Greg his father is dead and buried at their old campsite.

Baelfire helps the Darling children ready the nursery, but locking the window and hiding under the bed don't fool the creepy shadow. When little Michael is about to be taken, Baelfire offers to go in his place.

Greg keeps zapping Regina until she's practically dead. David rushes in and shoots at Greg who easily dodges the bullet and gets away speedy quick. Mary Margaret arrives close behind, looking and sounding full of life.

Dear ABC,

Why isn't she almost dead like Regina?

Emma and Neil block off the exit, ready to catch Greg, but Tamara comes up behind and knocks out Emma. Tamara takes her gun and pulls it on Neil. She uses this time to monologue about evil magic and how the fiance thing is just a cover. Then she shoots him in the chest to prove her point.

Emma jumps Tamara from behind and the two karate fight like it's Charles Angels. Tamara knows she can't beat Emma's hair so she throws down one of the magic beans and escapes while Emma struggles not to get sucked in.

Neil jumps to save her and somehow ends up falling in. Emma has him by the hand and begs him not to let go. Her fingers slip, and they both pledge their love for each other. He tells her she has to stay and take care of Henry so that he doesn't grow up without a parent. He lets go and Emma is alone...again.
Greg frantically digs in the middle of the forest and he uncovers a skeleton.

Back at Mary Margaret's apartment the Blue Fairy performs healing magic on Regina. When she pronounces her as good as new, Emma arrives all wind blow and drops the bomb about Neil.

Baelfire is being dragged through the air by the shadow. He manages to escape by lighting a match. When the shadow drops him, he falls into the ocean below and is picked up by a ship captained by Hook.

As Mary Margaret wipes Regina's brow—just like the last episode, she is terrified to learn that both Tamara and Greg have escaped...with her black diamond (the curse trigger)!!!

Tamara meets Greg in the forest. She shows him the trigger and let's him know that their army of magic haters is ready to proceed with the next step in their diabolical plan. Hint, it deals with a big explosion.

Hey, next week is the finale!

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

#1. Emma finally got proof that Tamara was bad.

#2. We didn't have to see Lacey and Mr. Gold make out.

#3. Emma's navy peacoat.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

#1. Peter Pan is NOT a boy stealing creep!!! Yuck. Ew. Gross.

#2. Shouldn't Hook have recognized Baelfire?

#3. There were no fish in the cannery because there are no fishermen in Storybrooke, so how can the cannery smell like sardines?

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Four Hard Lessons That Changed How I Write


I've been writing for five years. I've completed seven novels, and four short stories. I've had two agents. And I've been on submission longer than anyone else on the planet ;)

If you need some tips on surviving submission click here and here.

My writing has come a long way since I wrote that first sentence; "Willard's department store was very old and very grand."

Whoa—who farted, right?

It's much better now, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

And my philosophy has improved as well. When I first started querying, I was so full of confidence, imagining three book deals with movie adaptations, I only sent out two queries.

What an idiot I was.

Imagine my shock when I received a form rejection the next day.

After many, many, many—okay you get the picture, rejections (and years) I realized my attitude toward writing needed to evolve as well as my skill with storytelling.

#1. I can't quit.   

Writing can be thrilling, exhausting, gratifying and frustrating. But we continue, even on the hardest days and after the toughest rejections because we're writers, it's what we do.

#2. My novels may never be published.

This was a tough one to swallow. Recently I made the decision to take one of my projects off submission. It is my favorite story and one that I've worked on the longest (see above opening line).

It's going to have another life, and I'll blog more about that later, but the important thing is to ask yourself why you started writing. Is it to share your stories, or to be published? Sometimes it can't be both ways and you have to figure out what you're willing to give up.

#3. Treat writing like a job.

Schedule yourself time to write. Did you get that? TO WRITE. Not to go on twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, facebook, or wattpad. It's amazing how much you can accomplish in an hour. Writing requires discipline.

#4. Write without fear.

So many times I pause during a scene, second guessing if what I'm doing is worthy of someone else's eyes. Who cares?! Keep it going. Don't leave your characters hanging! Besides, you can edit later.

I hope this resonates and helps you in your writing journey.

Many times I've wanted to quit, but I'm still writing, and I'm still hoping for that book deal. (Notice I didn't mention the movie thing).

Are there any epiphanies you'd like to share?

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