The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 1, "Magic, Dancing, and Mouth Kissing"

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Oh my goodness, is it that time again already?

Desiree is back and she is ready for love... again. It wasn't that long ago when Sean walked her rose-less butt to the limo for her good-bye drive home.

Desiree says that even though she grew up in poverty, her parents provided a loving home and are still together. She weeps as she tells us a loving family is all that she wants.

And this of course is why she's on TV again, because it worked out so well last year.

She spoke of Sean and became weepy again, but it's happy tears because she's ready to make out with other guys while he watches from his living room.

The host arrives and shows Desiree all the cool stuff that comes with being The Bachelorette. Desiree thoroughly enjoys her temporary mansion and luxury car. Again, she reminds us that all she wants is love.

She says, “I'm hoping there is a man who can control all this love.”

Hopefully, he arrives with tissues.

Desiree then cries, “I've been through the good and the bad of love. And now my fairy tale is here.”

Oh, dear.

RELEASE THE DUDES!

First up is Bryden, a soldier who looks like he stepped out of the Cro-Magnon man display in the museum.

Will is a banker who does bikram yoga.

Why is he single?

Pretty boy Drew, tells us he's ready to fall in love with Desiree because "not only is she genuine, but she's real too."

I think Drew is both smart and intelligent.

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Then there's the magician who designs his own suits—I'm not bothering to remember his name and I bet Desiree won't either.

One dude, Zach, is waaay too fit and likes to walk around without clothes.

I never invite naked guys over to my place, you never know where they'll sit. 

Robert is a cute entrepreneur who is hoping to bring home a new mommy for his dog.

Um...skip.

The dental student says, “The happiest you can be in life is when you're in love.”

Or eating Nutella out of the jar.

 

Desiree changes into her silver mermaid dress and adds some hair extensions. This can only mean one thing...

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*cue the limos full of guys*

One cute guy is so nervous he can't form a sentence. Desiree laughs because she likes her men stupid.

Brad tackle hugs her and then mentions how she gave Sean a penny to make a wish when they first met. He produces a wishbone for them to break. Desiree wins.

I bet she wished the cute guy would come back.
 

The next contestant ALSO mentions Sean and the lost penny. He gives her a penny and they both toss them in the fountain to make a wish.

Dear fellas,

Don't mention the guy who still makes her cry.

Love,

Aunt Bethany

Smiling Kasey comes out and gives her a list of popular hashtags she could use on twitter as the new Bachelorette.

Here's some I thought up for Kasey; #loser #norose4you #getlost

Will, the flexible banker gives her a high five, and the nickname of Athena.

Dear fellas,

Real gifts cost money and come in pretty boxes with sparkly bows.

Love,

Aunt Bethany
 

Jonathan, a lawyer with caterpillars for eyebrows, brings her an envelope that contains a hotel room key. He says he's all for skipping the whole rose ceremony thing if she wants to jump right to the fantasy suite episode.

Every person on the planet cringes in unison.

The next guy, Zack, the naked dude from earlier, forgot to wear a shirt.

Isn't there a health regulation about that?

Now the faces and names are coming out fast and furious.

James tells her she can get old and fat—he doesn't mind.

Larry, a spectacle wearing ER doctor, gives her an impromptu dance lesson and she rips her dress.

Code Duffus!

The magician arrives and gives her a rose.

I'm guessing he'll have to conjure up one of those on his own later.

Oh. My. Nerves. One poor schmuck is dressed as a knight. He takes off his helmet and it's a Shrek moment.

Desiree says, “You're so funny.”

Translation: I don't find you attractive at all.

 

Mike, the dental student, actually wore his dental jacket.

Wha??? Way too many weird Novocaine jokes come to mind. 

Juan from Brazil arrives and oozes with Latin charm, he also gives her chocolate.

FINALLY! A real gift.

Well played, Juan.

Brandon, a total cutie, shows up on a motorcycle.

Nice. 

But just when things are improving, the next few contestants vying for Desiree's heart are a disappointment. One guy is wearing a horrible home made suit and the other recites a poem that sounded like it was written in crayon. 

Dear fellas,

Here's a few tips; look nice, smell nice, and compliment her.

Love,

Aunt Bethany

The last guy, Ben, brings his son. Brody is only two, yet he showed more class than any of the guys so far.

 

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It's time for the cocktail party. Let the show of feathers begin.

The magician performs 'the disappearing lady' act by whisking Desiree away for the first one on one time. But before he can pull out his deck and ask her to pick a card, one of the cutie patooties sneaks in and charms her off to another love seat.

Desiree spends some time with Ben 'the hot daddy'. He gets the first rose BEFORE the ceremony.

This makes the other guys nervous and wish they'd brought their kids to the party as well.

Things have reached critical levels of stupidity when the shirtless guy actually takes off his pants and jumps in the pool. Every one laughs, and then every one leaves.

 

Juan brings out the soccer ball and does his best David Beckam for Desiree. This is the guy who brought chocolates, remember? The name 'Juan' is Spanish for smart/sexy.

As the stack of roses get smaller, the dudes begin to roam the mansion in small groups, hoping to pick off the weaker more vulnerable of the pack.
 

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Larry, the ER doctor, takes her aside and apologizes for the disastrous dip. He then tells her he watched the whole season with Sean and that she was his favorite. He takes off his glasses and tries to give her a smoldering stare, but it comes off as 'creepy, drunk guy.'

The only other guy who makes Larry look good is Jonathan, the 'fantasy suite lawyer'. He tells us, “My mom says I'm good looking." 

He readies his bedroom with candles and pillows, apparently making an impromptu fantasy suite. He says to the camera, “I want to kiss Desiree on the mouth. My love tank is full and has been building for over a year.”

I. Did. Not. Make. That. Up.

As part of his plan of seduction, he pleads with her in the dark hallway, trying to get her to join him.

This was an awesome opportunity for one of the guys to jump in and act all HERO, but they wait and watch. Finally Desiree tells Jonathan to leave and to take his full love tank with him. 

Here's a hashtag for Jonathan, #restrainingorder
 

The host suddenly comes out from behind the red curtain, holding a wine glass and a knife. So he either got interrupted while having dinner, or he was going to knife fight Jonathan.

I'm guessing it was the first option.

Instead, he reminds them it's time for the rose ceremony.
 

The tense music begins.

I hit the fast forward button.

Going home are Larry, the homemade suit guy, the dentist, the magician and a few nameless dudes. Staying are all the hot ones.

Larry says, “It's embarrassing to go home early. I practiced that dip so much. Out of the fifty people I dipped, only two of them fell.”

Hmm, I think I know who the real dip is here.

The magician says, “I just want to find the right girl.”

Try checking up your sleeve.

Diego, the guy in the knight suit is shocked he's going home.

Really?

Who is your favorite guy so far? And remember, if you see Jonathan, run the other way.