Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 17 "Her Handsome Hero"

Or better title "Baby Boom"

Emma, Hook and Snow White are in the graveyard trying to outrun a sudden tornado. Hook leads them to a monument that can only shelter than on one side.

Anyway, something comes out of the storm and attacks Snow White.

Boom!

Never mind, Emma was only dreaming.

Not wanting to fall asleep again, she and Hook visit the library where Regina has been busy marking up the elevator door to Hades' lair with ancient runes all over a door so Emma could magically spell it open. Sounds like a plan until they discover a wall of brick behind the door.

Man, too bad their magic is only good for elevator doors and healing horses.

Flashback to the enchanted forest and we learn Belle's father has arranged for a hot young Prince to marry Belle so they can merge their kingdoms against the ogres who are apparently waging a war...all the time.

Belle's like, "I don't think so. I want a dude who will treat me with kindness and respect not some hot shot lady killer who likes to decorate with antlers."

But this is irrelevant because when the handsome Gaston arrives, she's all, "Cool. Let's take a walk in the woods."

The hike soon turns into a date with Gaston being all smooth and complimentary. Belle talks about books and then they discover a baby ogre has fallen down a hole!!

Even though ogres are murders and pose a direct threat to Belle and her kingdom she decides it would be a good idea to find out what his intensions are before letting Gaston kill him.

Back in hell town, Belle finds Mr. Gold and they have the same argument again.

Belle: "You need to change. I know you're a good man. I won't stay with you or let you be this baby's father until you change."

Mr. Gold: "I'm the beast. I'll always be the beast. You love the beast. I won't change."

Belle: "Well...fix this agreement with Hades first, but don't use dark magic...then we'll talk again."

They take a walk down Main Street where Gaston tries to shot Mr. Gold with an enchanted arrow from Hades.

Pfft! Mr. Gold catches the arrow like the awesome piece of superiority.

Belle says, "Gaston, how did you die?"

"The Dark One turned me into a rose."

Then Mr. Gold whisks himself and Belle away to the docks. He explains the water in the harbor is full of ghosts or something and one touch and you'll be stuck in hell forever...I think. Belle is inspired and decides they must help Gaston move on and then defeat Hades together and get the hell out of hell.

Across town, Regina and Zelena settle in for some sister to sister chat. Zelena reveals her history with Hades and that he still wants to take her to prom. But she's all, "Ugh, what does it matter? No one will ever really love me."

This show y'all! God forbid any woman in Storybrooke have any self respect when it comes to romance.

Thinking this will help him move on, Belle and Mr. Gold break into Gaston's locker at the pet shelter.

Why are there pets in hell?

But Belle finds one of her favourite books and she concludes that Gaston is still in love with her. Mr. Gold rolls his eyes and leaves.

Hades then appears and reminds Belle that he owns her baby. But he offers her a deal: get Mr. Gold and Gaston to duel at the docks and if one of them is tossed over she gets to keep her baby.

Belle refuses.

Why?

Because she has a better plan to dupe Gaston. Not really, she tried to fool him with a dummy Mr. Gold, and oh my gosh, folks, so bad...so bad. When Gaston learns Belle is actually married to the guy who turned him into a rose he's all, "You sick chick!"

We flashback to the baby ogre stuck in the hole. Belle brings a mirror that has the power to show true intensions to help her see into the baby ogres soul or something. Gaston is upset and fires an arrow, but not before Belle sees Gaston's eyes glow red in the mirror's reflection. She lets the baby ogre get away, which Gaston had tortured a bit in her absence.

Note: I'm sure the ogre that broke into their castle and killed her mother was in no way related to this event.

Belle finds Mr. Gold and tells him Gaston is really upset now that he knows they're married. Literally two seconds later, Mr. Gold is doing the hovering choke hold to Gaston over the harbor. Belle stops Mr. Gold, but then she and Gaston fight and she manages to push him off the dock.

Oops.

Hades shows up and lets them know that doesn't count because it was supposed to be Gaston and Mr. Gold dueling NOT Belle.

Hades sees a wilted daisy and is quite happy because now he has a gift to show Zelena his affections.

Plus, Emma's dream came true, but when Snow White was attacked the wolf turned out to be RUBY!!!

Yeah! Finally, someone who can stir up these losers.

Once Upon A Time, Season 5, Episode 16 "Our Decay"

or better title "Terrible Parenting"

The show starts with Zelena celebrating her birthday, she doesn't know the date but that doesn't stop her from reliving the moment Cora gave her up, and that's what she commemorates instead. While enjoying this morbid flashback, the flying monkeys drop off the Scarecrow. Apparently, Zalena needs his brain to make a time travel spell to go back to that moment to save her baby self.

What could go wrong?

Then Dorothy shows up looking like a bounty hunter and rescues the Scarecrow. What a crappy way to celebrate your abandonment day! Anyway, Hades shows up with his own story of woe. He hates his sibling too for taking his rightful place in Olympus as opposed to the Underworld. And if that wasn't enough, his heart stopped beating and can only be fixed by...you guessed it, true loves kiss.

Meanwhile in Strorybrooke, Belle pays a visit to the convent which is also the place people leave abandoned babies. Baby Neal and Zalena's baby are side by side. Belle brings formula because none of the nuns breast feed?

This show y'all!!!

Anyway, one of the nun's is Zelena, but before the blue fairy can Bibity Bobity Boo a solution, a hole opens in the floor. Belle and Zelena's baby get sucked in so Zelena jumps in after.

Back in the present in the Underworld, Mr. Gold is working his spinning wheel because Hades needs his blood to open a portal because the blood of the Dark One can open portals.

I know my questions are pointless but wouldn't Mr. Gold already know this? Also, why is he using a spinning wheel when he could just use a dagger or a knife or even a paper cut?

Anyway, it works and a portal opens, but nothing comes out and it soon closes up. Mr. Gold is like, see ya.

Belle and Zelena end up on the street in the Underworld and remark at the red sky. Belle takes Zelena's baby and runs away! Zelena has twisted her ankle and discovers she has no magic in the underworld.

How inconvenient!

Belle rushes to the library for safety and runs into Mr. Gold.

This was the best part of this episode! He explains that he's the Dark One again and that's how it is, chick. "You've always loved me, this is how I've always been and will always be. I'm powerful, magical, and awesome. Deal with it."

Belle tries to be, "No, you're not that man." But she's soon, "Okay, I'll take you back...regardless of your powers and awesomeness...*bats eyelashes* Dark One."

Then he says, "By the way, I sold our kid to Hades and that's an issue because you're pregnant."

Belle show some grit and says, "Dude, I get it. I'm totes onboard with your dark side. You're the beast and the man, now get me and this other baby the eff out of this hell hole."

Meanwhile, Henry wakes up to find he's not only written in the story book while he's been asleep but he's illustrated as well. "It's like the book is writing itself!"

This show, y'all!!!

Snow White and David miss baby Neal and learn they can haunt him from a phone booth at the corner so this is what they concern themselves with for the rest of the episode.

Back in OZ, Hades uses Dorothy's bike to locate the Scarecrow. While he pedals Zalena hops on the handlebars and before you can say true loves kiss, they're falling for each other...

Fast forward to present-day Underworld, where Zelena finds Regina and Robin in the woods. "Hey, how could you abandon our daughter to come to hell for a pirate you don't even like?" He just shrugs and refers to Regina who still won't declare her love for Emma, especially with Robin standing there so useless.

Zelena begs to hold the baby, besides she has a bottle of formula. She confesses she has no magic. They hand over the unnamed baby and Zalena immediately runs away with her. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oops, until she twists her ankle again.

Zelena is an emotional mess. Her baby has a scratch on her cheek and she can't heel it with magic. Feeling like a pathetic mother, she gives the baby back to Robin and Regina, and begs them to keep her safe from Hades.

What happened between them?

Well, according to the flashback, after she located Dorothy's cabin, she found the Scarecrow and took his brain. Then she and Hades had a candle light dinner where he confessed his true love for her and tried to kiss her!!!

Considering they'd only spent twenty minutes together, Zelena was unconvinced. Instead of coming up with a way to prove his love, he called her a nut job and she must really have a heart of ice to turn him down.

This show y'all!!!

But how could Zelena be expected to belief this speedy quick emotional journey...or us for that matter?

However, logic aside, the episode built up to Zelena and Hades reuniting in the Underworld.

It's revealed that he created the portal not to steal her baby, but to show her what he's created for her, her own Storybrooke to rule over, exactly the same as Regina's. Also he'd discovered her birthday: April 15. When he revealed he'd tortured Cora for the information, Zelena seemed to give him another look over.

Why would he have had to torture Cora for that information?

This show y'all!!!

Anyway, it worked because Zelena was suddenly, "I'll get my daughter back first and then we'll take it from there."

Oh, and before the show ended, Henry brought the book out and showed Snow White what he'd just written in his sleep (?) It was a story about how baby Neal heard his parents voices singing to him and then fell fast asleep.

Never mind that his crib mate was baby napped and taken down a hole that opened up in the nursery floor.

With Emma standing right there, Snow White is determined to fight her way out of hell to get back to her baby.

Once Upon A Time, Season 5, Episode 15 "The Brothers Jones"

or better title, Emma Needs Therapy

Okay, fans. Let's do this.

While driving around with Cruella to find the magic quill, Henry sees a light in the woods and chases it down to find the Sorcerer's apprentice.

"Psst, kid," he says. "Get the key for the mysterious mansion from the sheriff. That's where the quill is hidden."

Meanwhile, Emma heals Hook of his injuries and immediately falls into his arms and on his lips, but guess what? He's not into it. "No, you're too good for me," he whines.

There's a knock at the door, and it's Liam, Hook's older brother.

Through flashbacks, we learn Liam was not Captain Perfect after all, he led a mutiny and sailed the ship straight into a storm. Why? Because the other captain had messed up his plan for he and Hook to escape the ship and join the King's Navy, except Hook got drunk and lost a wager or something which meant both brothers were indebted to a lifetime of servitude.

Liam couldn't leave Hook and stayed on the ship, and to this day, Hook worships his brother for his sacrifice.

He doesn't even thank Emma for everything she's done, by the way.

Anyway, Liam makes it clear he doesn't think Emma is good enough for his brother. But Emma's self esteem is so low it keeps winning the limbo contest.

Regina tricks Emma into joining her at Granny's and says what I've been thinking this whole season.

Meanwhile, Liam goes to his bar (he has a bar?) Hades shows up and demands he find the story book and rip out a certain chapter he'd rather no one know about.

Oh! Finally! Something juicy.

David strolls into the sheriff's office because he looks exactly like his twin, James, and steals the key. Cruella shows up with booze and tries to make out with him, thinking he's James. Except we learn she knew it was David and the closed mouth kissing was probably a hint as well.

So they all head to the mysterious mansion and start looking for the Story book. Henry, instead, ends up finding the quill, which he keeps to himself because of that deal he has with Cruella.

In another flashback, the mutiny is complete and Liam has control of the ship. Hades appears with his flaming hair and asks him to sail the ship into the storm for a mythical stone, The Eye of the Storm. A powerful gem that every sailor covets. Except, only he and Hook will survive. It takes Liam one second to consider the lives of the other crew before he agrees to their mass murder.

Unaware, Hook thinks they're just super lucky to wash ashore and find an admiral from the King's Navy. When Liam hands over the stone both are given a speed pass to join the navy.

Back at the mansion, they find the story book, but uh-oh. Some of the pages have been ripped out. Emma confronts Liam, but Hook is all, "Bugger off, my brutha is innocent. Take your special power of knowing when someone is lying where it matters!"

The brothers storm off together, then out of the shadows the murdered crew show up, ready for pay back.

Hook sees Liam's hands are covered in ink.

Really? Off a glossy book?

Whatever, Hades shows up and whisks both brothers away to the cliff of doom that happens to be inside a volcano. When Liam falls off the edge Hook is there to grab him, but there's no way to pull him up. Liam lets go to save Hook, or something like that. But instead of a second death, he rises in a dory on a heaven like sea.

Okay.

Hades is so enraged at being bested by Hook again (aren't we all) he leaves in a flash (with the pages from the book).

But wait, here's the shocker, Hook is relieved to learn that his brother wasn't the perfect naval captain but was a murderer as well. Now he doesn't seem so pathetic in comparison. This makes zero sense to me, but on Once Upon A Time, this is the ego boost Hook needed. He finds Emma and asks her to take him back.

So, so wrong.

Anyway, back to Hades and his BIG SUPER SECRET. He looks at the pages from the book and sees...

What?

He's in love with Zalena?

I have to admit it, I'm kind of disappointed. And yet, I can't stop watching this crazy show. Send help.