or better title, Emma Needs Therapy
Okay, fans. Let's do this.
While driving around with Cruella to find the magic quill, Henry sees a light in the woods and chases it down to find the Sorcerer's apprentice.
"Psst, kid," he says. "Get the key for the mysterious mansion from the sheriff. That's where the quill is hidden."
Meanwhile, Emma heals Hook of his injuries and immediately falls into his arms and on his lips, but guess what? He's not into it. "No, you're too good for me," he whines.
There's a knock at the door, and it's Liam, Hook's older brother.
Through flashbacks, we learn Liam was not Captain Perfect after all, he led a mutiny and sailed the ship straight into a storm. Why? Because the other captain had messed up his plan for he and Hook to escape the ship and join the King's Navy, except Hook got drunk and lost a wager or something which meant both brothers were indebted to a lifetime of servitude.
Liam couldn't leave Hook and stayed on the ship, and to this day, Hook worships his brother for his sacrifice.
He doesn't even thank Emma for everything she's done, by the way.
Anyway, Liam makes it clear he doesn't think Emma is good enough for his brother. But Emma's self esteem is so low it keeps winning the limbo contest.
Regina tricks Emma into joining her at Granny's and says what I've been thinking this whole season.
Meanwhile, Liam goes to his bar (he has a bar?) Hades shows up and demands he find the story book and rip out a certain chapter he'd rather no one know about.
Oh! Finally! Something juicy.
David strolls into the sheriff's office because he looks exactly like his twin, James, and steals the key. Cruella shows up with booze and tries to make out with him, thinking he's James. Except we learn she knew it was David and the closed mouth kissing was probably a hint as well.
So they all head to the mysterious mansion and start looking for the Story book. Henry, instead, ends up finding the quill, which he keeps to himself because of that deal he has with Cruella.
In another flashback, the mutiny is complete and Liam has control of the ship. Hades appears with his flaming hair and asks him to sail the ship into the storm for a mythical stone, The Eye of the Storm. A powerful gem that every sailor covets. Except, only he and Hook will survive. It takes Liam one second to consider the lives of the other crew before he agrees to their mass murder.
Unaware, Hook thinks they're just super lucky to wash ashore and find an admiral from the King's Navy. When Liam hands over the stone both are given a speed pass to join the navy.
Back at the mansion, they find the story book, but uh-oh. Some of the pages have been ripped out. Emma confronts Liam, but Hook is all, "Bugger off, my brutha is innocent. Take your special power of knowing when someone is lying where it matters!"
The brothers storm off together, then out of the shadows the murdered crew show up, ready for pay back.
Hook sees Liam's hands are covered in ink.
Really? Off a glossy book?
Whatever, Hades shows up and whisks both brothers away to the cliff of doom that happens to be inside a volcano. When Liam falls off the edge Hook is there to grab him, but there's no way to pull him up. Liam lets go to save Hook, or something like that. But instead of a second death, he rises in a dory on a heaven like sea.
Hades is so enraged at being bested by Hook again (aren't we all) he leaves in a flash (with the pages from the book).
But wait, here's the shocker, Hook is relieved to learn that his brother wasn't the perfect naval captain but was a murderer as well. Now he doesn't seem so pathetic in comparison. This makes zero sense to me, but on Once Upon A Time, this is the ego boost Hook needed. He finds Emma and asks her to take him back.
So, so wrong.
Anyway, back to Hades and his BIG SUPER SECRET. He looks at the pages from the book and sees...
He's in love with Zalena?
I have to admit it, I'm kind of disappointed. And yet, I can't stop watching this crazy show. Send help.