Tuesday, 10 July 2012

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 9 “Emily's Super Amazing Dry Tears”

Emily hoping to find true love, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, usatoday.com

We all know true love's kiss can do many things—break a spell, end a curse, reveal inner beauty, or in Emily's case, help her decide which guy will be Ricki's new daddy.

ABC spares no expense and flies Emily to Watamula, Curacao. It's a hot place with plenty of beaches so the producers made sure she packed only bikinis.

Smiles everyone, smiles!
photo credit, freewebs.com

Emily talks about how awesome it was to travel the globe making out with guys who fell in love with her. 

Wasn't there something about staying close to Charlotte because of Ricki?


ABC treats us to a film montage of the last three guys with Emily's voice in the background.

“Sean is the only who hasn't told me he loves me yet, and as a girl I need to get my head around that.”

He knows if he makes it to the end he has to propose right?

“Jef is the kind of guy that makes going to the grocery store exciting.”

Not only can he burp the whole alphabet, I bet he knows the jingles to Cocoa Puffs and Count Chocula, too.

“I call Arie, sweet Arie. And when I imagine a life with him, I know he would adore me forever.”

Or at least until the Botox wears off.

“After everything I've been through, it's made me look at love in a more realistic way.”

Oh yeah, this show has realism all over it. That's why they call it reality TV because it's so real. I mean it's lousy with reality. Haven't we all shared Emily's experience of jet setting around the globe while dozens of guys fight for our attention?

“I'm at a point where I just need to clear my mind and come to a decision.”

And everyone knows the best way to clear your head is to make out with three fellas.

Sean gets the first date on the island. He sees Emily waiting for him on the beach. “This place called paradise is super romantic,” he says.

Wow, not just romantic, but super romantic. This must be where the Avengers vacation.

The Avengers racing for the best spot on the beach.
photo credit, abduzeedoo.com

When you're with Emily, you not only get to go to Curacao, you get to go on your own private island. They hang out on their towels as Emily grills Sean about his last girlfriend.

The sun beats down and there is no shade. These two are so fair skinned I'm worried they're going to spontaneously combust. SUNSCREEN ALERT!

Sean talks about how how he doesn't have any doubts about their relationship. We all lean forward waiting for him to say those three words Emily's been dying to hear. He takes a deep breath and says, “I forgot what I was going to say.” Emily's shoulders slump and I have to say, I'm disappointed too, I was hoping for better jewelry this episode.

Magically, pillows and a six course meal arrive on their private beach. Sean manages to say how much he loves her without actually saying he loves her. He reads a letter her wrote for Ricki which is quite lovely and sincere. But Emily is STILL waiting to hear him say 'I love you'.

Emily, open your eyes. He's showing you, not telling you. For the love of Pete woman, let it go. Oh, never mind, he just spilled the beans.

Now Emily has all three guys officially in love with her. She gives him the golden key to her fantasy suite.

*cue the hot tub and gratuitous bikini scene*

Emily says, “Sean is so hot and so manly. Every fibre in my body is telling me to let him stay tonight. But every fibre in my head is telling me to take it slow.”

And every fibre in your cereal is a good way to start your morning.

Sean gives Emily a good night kiss and says there is no doubt that they're getting married.

Jef arrives the next day and Emily takes him for a sail. They talk about his parents (suspiciously missing from  last week's episode) and having kids. They confirm over a tray of pineapple kabobs that they 'get each other.'

They spend the rest of the day jumping into the water...like a hundred times. The underwater camera man takes many shots of Emily's bikini.

Jef says, “I now realize what spending time with someone you love means.”

Apparently it's about making sure you get your turn before she goes to the next guy.

Jef and Emily have a question and answer session during dinner. He asks why she isn't with anyone because she's so awesome and would attract awesome guys.

Yes, thank you! That was my question the very first episode.

She says, “There has to be that unspoken...I don't know. Something's always been missing.”

Like a noun maybe?

Emily's big blue ring looks like it could open up and have soft perfume that AVON use to sell. Remember those? They were so cool.

photo credit, missbargainhuntress.com
Emily and Jef continue to talk and the soft guitar plays on in the background. Emily tells Jef that she pictures him in her kitchen as she makes sandwiches for Ricki.

She also pictures him in her fantasy suite and she gives him the golden key.

But Jef pulls the gentleman card and gently turns her down. Emily tries to save face by thanking him for giving her the right answer and that she wouldn't have let him stay. She later tells us that she was upset because he robbed her of the chance to turn him down.

*rolls eyes*

Where are Arie and his twin brothers? He won't even read the note, he'll take the key and sprint to the suite.

Then Jef says, “There's a time and place for everything, and now is the time to bridle our passions.”

Jef, stop reading the back of Harlequin books.

Arie arrives the next morning and they're making out before the boat clears the shoal.

Emily tells us, “It's hard to talk because we always want to kiss each other.”

I cry for the amazing and witty chit chat that we'll never get to hear.

Arie and Emily spend the day swimming with dolphins, then have a private dinner that no one eats. Have you noticed that? But they're always drinking...

Arie is surprised to discover Emily gets up way before 6:30 in the morning. I'm sure makeup and hair have something to do with that. Emily tells him she would move to Arizona if they were to get married...you know, if it was the best for Ricki and everything.

All she wants for Ricki is to have a father figure to love her like a real dad. Arie says he wants to be Ricki's friend first and let the relationship build from there.

Hmm, a different approach from Sean, let's see how that plays out.

Emily says that as a role model she can't give Arie the fantasy suite key because she doesn't trust her inner fibres. In fact it makes her cry that she can't have him.

Emily arrives, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, frankensteinandmyrhh.wordpress.com
Now it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Emily dons a mermaid skirt and Phoenix necklace (wha?) and spends more of ABC's time doing a lot of crying and telling the Host she was hoping to get clarity on the island. He nods and says, “yeah...right.”

They continue to talk for the next ten minutes but there's nothing to blog about. *drums fingers on keyboard*

She finally says, “I try to put myself in each of the guys' positions in the best way I can.”


Emily watches video messages the guys have taped for her, while they line up for the rose ceremony. I wonder if Jef and Sean will mention the fantasy key to Arie? How pissed would he be?!

The Rose Ceremony finally starts. Emily is so sad, she's crying dry tears.  

Hold on. I have a solution. A new reality show called "Big Bachelorette Love". It would be like a polygamy Mormon dating show. No need to only pick one guy. Take them all.

Jef gets the first rose and he blushes. The second rose goes to...Arie.

Sean is now emotionally crippled beyond repair. He will never date again. Emily was the only girl who made him want to say the “L” word.

He says to Emily, “I think you should know this is going to hurt me.”

No kidding. Chin up though, pal. I here the Monks are always looking for new recruits.

Dear Sean,

You're a gorgeous, blond-blue eyed male in America with rich blond parents, plus there's the pool in the backyard. Your life isn't that tough.


Your Aunt Bethany

The episode ends with Emily crying her dry tears.

1 comment:

Mere Joyce said...

"Hold on. I have a solution. A new reality show called "Big Bachelorette Love". It would be like a polygamy Mormon dating show. No need to only pick one guy. Take them all."

Oh yeah. I'm waiting for it...It would be the blockbuster hit of reality tv, I just know it!!

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