Monday, 22 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 4, Season 2, “The Crocodile”

Or better title, “The Obnoxiously Obvious Red Cap”

This is how the country song starts...
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Mr. Gold gives Belle a diamond necklace for their night on the town.

Hmm, I usually get a babysitter.

Grumpy barges into the shop asking for his axe back, throwing out accusations that the store is full of things stolen from people. Mr. Gold sneers, then attacks Grumpy as a glittery Rumpelstiltskin.

Oh, wait...never mind. Belle's dreaming. And since she's in skimpy lingerie, a walk outside in the dark is completely understandable.

She spies on Mr. Gold, experimenting with spun gold, like in a magic way. This makes complete sense because no magic exists in Storybrooke.

A fresh faced Rumpelstiltskin comes home to find his young son, Bellfire all alone. His wife, Mila is at the local tavern being sociable with a group of fellas on leave from the pirate ship. Cruelly, she calls him out in front of the crowd, proclaiming how he didn't go to the ogre wars, forcing her to a life of shame.

Oh, that again.

She's sick of being known as the village coward's wife, and begs him to move away to a new place where they can start over. But he refuses and asks her to stay for Bellfire's sake.

Belle confronts Mr. Gold about his late night basement activities and wants to know the real reason he brought magic to Storybrooke. He evades her question, but she sees through his lies, and tells him he needs courage, not magic.

Rumpelstiltskin is terrified to discover Mila has been kidnapped by the pirates. He manages to hobble onto their ship, but the Captain—make that Mr. Sexy Eyes Captain—declares Mila is now the ship's concubine, and Rumpelstiltskin will have to sword fight for her. Shaking in his raggedy cloak, Rumpelstiltskin chickens out, knows he'd be a kabob before he could say, 'Peter Pan'.

Sheriff who?
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David steps in as the new Sheriff. This seems useless, but I'll go with it because Captain Sexy Eyes has filled my heart with sunshine and rainbows. Seriously, this guy has so much swag he makes Jefferson look like wallpaper.

Mr. Gold gets worried when he can't find Belle. He pays a visit to the town florist—aka, Belle's fairytale dad, but he's clueless to here whereabouts as well.

A scruffy stranger, in an obnoxiously obvious red knit cap, visits a glittery Rumpelstiltskin in a shady pub. The stranger knows Rumpelstiltskin is looking for a porthole between magical worlds and tells him he's in possession of a magic bean that can create such a vortex.

In return, the stranger asks for eternal youth, but Rumpelstiltskin tells him only the gold speckled Dark One can have eternal life (well, him and Dick Clark). However, he offers to turn back the clock and make him younger, into a boy again.

*cough* Peter Pan *cough*

Rumpelstiltskin can't believe his luck when Captain Sexy Eyes walks into the tavern.

Hi, Cappy! You totally rock in all that jewelry.

Belle manages to stay hidden in the town's only eating establishment. Red strikes up a conversation with her, but neither talk about the weird fact they're both from an enchanted forest.

Red hooks her up with a place to stay, and a job at the library. Charged to be an independent woman, Belle checks out the boarded up windows of the library.

Psst, there's also a dead dragon in the basement.

The stranger and his sidekick (his red cap) show up and easily kidnap her in broad daylight on main street.

Rumpelstiltskin waits outside the tavern for Captain Sexy Eyes. The pirates back down when they realize he's the Dark One. Rumpelstiltskin asks about Mila, and the captain tells him she's dead. With revenge on his mind, Rumpelstiltskin requests a rematch of their sword fight.

Mr. Gold asks David to help him look for Belle. David should jump at this, since he's always looking for magic, and Mr. Gold happens to be the only person in town (other than the Mayor) who dabbles in hocus pocus.

Captain Sexy Eyes arrives for the sword fight, and we're treated to some bad choreography.

Hey, no one claimed this was The Princess Bride.

Rumpelstiltskin gives a moving victim impact statement about how it ripped his heart out to have his wife stolen. Captain Sexy Eyes is ready to fight to the death, but a voice screams from the shadows begging Rumpelstiltskin to stop. Mila stands defiant, dressed in enough black leather for the next Matrix movie.

The stranger takes Belle to her father. They hug, and then there's this awkward conversation about how she fell in love with the Dark One while she was his prisoner.

Um...time for a history lesson. Back in fairytale land, Belle's dad put her up in a tower when Rumpelstiltskin set her free. Then he had 'Doctors' perform 'tests' to rid her of the evil. Gross. Click here for the details.

Belle is adamant that she'll decide who she wants to kidnap her, thank you very much. Dad gives the stranger the 'secret signal' and Belle is once again kidnapped.

Holy crap! If Emma was in this episode, Belle would already be target practising at the firing range,.

David interviews several people about Belle, but since Mr. Gold has terrorized half of the town, no one is super keen on helping him find his girlfriend. Things get really desperate when Mr. Gold asks David for dating advice.

Rumpelstiltskin discovers Mila ran away with the pirates on purpose and has been the Captain's lover for all these years. She convinces Rumpelstiltskin to spare Captain Sexy Eyes, when she shows him an obnoxiously obvious red cap. The stranger is a prisoner on the pirate ship!!! She offers the magic bean in exchange for their lives.

In order to help find Belle, Red offers David her services as a search and rescue dog (since there's that wolf thing). But the trail only goes so far...right to dad's florist shop.

Red channels her inner Boy George.
photo credit,

David, Red and Mr. Gold put the pressure on Belle's dad, and he caves after two questions. He lets it spill that Belle is being sent across the town line.

Drum roll...she'll forget her fairytale identity, and go back to, what the heck was she? Just a girl in a cell?

David sees mine dust on her dad's hands, and they hurry speedy quick to the tunnels, which apparently not only go down into the earth, but also spread out past the town limits.

Dear ABC,

It's so comforting to know you can invent details when you need them.

Mila takes Rumpelstiltskin aboard the pirate ship, and he spares no jibes at her abandoning her own son for this lot of dirty scoundrels. The stranger (sans red cap) is brought up on deck, and forced to hand over the magic bean to Captain Sexy Eyes.

Rumpelstiltskin sarcastically congratulates Mila on finding true love. She asks that he take the magic bean and let them go their separate ways. But part of the fun of being the Dark One is making your cheating ex pay for lying about being dead, and totally backing out on all her parental responsibilities.

*Light bulb* Will Rumpelstiltskin turn Mila into the crocodile?

She's unapologetic and spits out that she was miserable because she never loved him. Rumpelstiltskin pierces her chest and rips out her heart. She collapses into Captain Sexy Eye's arms and dies.

Oh well...

Miserable with grief, Captain Sexy Eyes tells Rumpelstiltskin he may have all the power as the Dark One, but he's still a coward. SNAP!

Rumpelstiltskin spares the Captain's life, but slices off the hand clutching the magic bean. He lets him live so that he will suffer the loss of a loved one...just like he did. Feeling no effects of losing a limp, Captain Sexy Eyes fights back with a bits of the ships rig that happen to be lying around.

Hey! Use the silver hook.

Rumpelstiltskin makes a spectacular escape in a puff of red smoke, leaving Captain Sexy Eyes holding the hook.

Permission to come aboard, Captain?
photo credit,

The stranger handcuffs Belle inside a mine cart that will take her under the city limits. All she has is a flashlight that will help her find the key on the bottom of the cart. She screams like I did on Space Mountain. Belle tries to get the key, but she manages to drop it.

Silly girl! Doesn't she know Emma is the only chick in this series that can save herself!

Just when all hope is lost, a mysterious force pulls Belle backward.

Wow, it's like someone is using magic...but that's coo-coo because we all know that no magic exists in Storybrooke (unless there's no other option for the writers).

Belle is in no mood for happy reunions. She tells Mr. Gold he's too cowardly to be honest with her, and her dad is just, well...too creepy with all the locking up business and constant kidnapping.

Belle and Red bond over pancakes and bacon at the pub/diner/laundromat. Belle plans on being the new waitress. Red hands her a box with her name on's a key!

Belle happily runs over and opens the library. Mr. Gold is waiting, prepared with quotes about libraries and books and stuff. He admits he's a coward, and has been collecting power as a way to compensate.

When little Bellfire was sucked away to another world, Rumpelstiltskin dedicated himself to finding him. He discovered there was a curse that would take him to that VERY place, and he used the Evil Queen's jealousy to make it happen.

*cough* Guy in useless prologue in first episode *cough*

Mr. Gold confesses magic is a crutch for him, and he can never leave Storybrooke, even if it means never finding his son.

Maybe he should have a pigeon send postcard.

Belle realizes that if Mr. Gold leaves Storybrooke, he'll forget about Bellfire and will never find him. He confesses that he's been trying to break the curse by experimenting with magic in the making gold, because it's trading so hot right now.

He leaves her broken hearted, but this is moot because he hasn't even walked three feet before Belle asks him out for a hamburger.

Rumpelstiltskin sits at a table with the Captain's severed hand. He slowly unfolds the fingers, but guess what? The magic bean isn't there!

The pirates are all sad because Mila is now fish food. Captain Sexy Eyes gives the stranger a choice; he can jump over board or swab the deck. He's charted a new course for a land where none of them grow old and he can plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin.

The stranger gets his red cap back, and he's none other than...Peter Pan. No, I'm wrong, he's Bill Smead.

Huh, I'm so rusty tonight.

NOT Dopey, or Peter Pan.
photo credit,

Captain Sexy Eyes throws the bean into the ocean and they sail into the whirlpool vortex of fun.

Mr. Gold enters his basement where he's keeping Bill Smead tied up. Since he left his red cap at the mines, Mr. Gold knew exactly who was behind Belle's kidnapping—this also let Dopey off the hook because his cap is purple.

Mr. Gold grills him about Captain Sexy Eyes, but like most plot holes in this story, for some reason, he's never made an appearance in Storybrooke.

On a beach, Captain Sexy Hook, talks with Cora. She shows him her beaker full of magical pink ash from the wardrobe fire. They discuss their plan to travel to Storybrooke so she can visit Regina and he can skin a crocodile.

Oh! Now I get it, Rumpelstiltskin was the crocodile.

Predictions for the next episode.

Emma and Mary Margaret realize they're able to get themselves out of dangerous situations without a guy showing up.

Belle gets a paper cut cataloguing overdue items and goes into a coma from blood poisoning.

Dopey and Bill Smead trade hats to confuse everyone, and end up getting head lice.

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