Monday, 15 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 3, Season 2, "Lady Of The Lake"

Or better title, “How To Abandon Your Kid...In Style”

This is how the horror movie starts...
photo credit,

Snow White and Prince Charming lean over a crude map, discussing the latest tactics in their war against the Evil Queen. Red arrives and tells them of an approaching beast called the 'Leviathan'— the Dementor knock off from several episodes ago.

The rebels spread out to find the Leviathan. Prince Charming and Snow White split up and plan to meet in two days time at his Mother's cottage.

Psst...this will be Snow White's first time meeting her future mother-in-law—loosely based on the movie Cabin In The Woods.

In two seconds Snow White manages to get kidnapped by Sir Lancelot.

Emma and Cora have a heart to heart in the dungeon, discussing how much they miss their families. Soon, Mary Margaret wakes and recognizes Cora as Regina's evil Mom.

Henry tells David (aka Grandpa) about operation Cobra, hoping they can use magic from Jefferson's hat to enter fairy tale land and save Emma and Mary Margaret. David looks all sad and confides that Jefferson is useless due to the fact that he's loony and his hat is no longer magic.

Henry is convinced the magic only needs to be restored but David reminds him that magic comes with a price. For his own safety he should go to school and leave all the hard stuff to Grandpa to fix. Henry agrees but skips school anyway.

Mary Margaret gives Emma the heads up that in fairy tale land being a Sheriff with a gun isn't such a big deal. They're taken to be questioned by one of the camp leaders.

It's Lancelot and he knows Snow White! He rushes over and greets Mary Margaret warmly; the short hair hasn't fooled him (like it has everyone else). This is super lucky because if you're cool with Lancelot, then the whole camp thinks you're totally rad.

Lancelot and Mulan secretly make fun of stupid Princesses
photo credit,

However, Sleeping Beauty watches with disgust. She views Mary Margaret as the reason her lover's soul is now permanently trapped inside the Leviathan's medallion...or something like that, click here. Mulan chastises her and says it's dangerous to confuse vengeance with justice—especially if you have a lisp and can't spell correctly.

Lancelot tells Mary Margaret that their island is the only safe place in fairy tale land since the ogres have taken over the enchanted forest.

Does anyone else notice the silver key around Mary Margaret's neck? Sorry, moving on...

Mary Margaret pleads with Lancelot and explains they need to reach another porthole. Lancelot orders Mulan to be their protector, causing Emma to role her eyes and say, “OMG, Mom! I own a frickin' gun!”

Lancelot takes Snow White to Prince Charming's old castle for a little drinky poo and chit chat with The King (aka Charming Senior). Except he's not actually his dad because he bought the twins from Rumpelstiltskin, who in turn got them from a woman who lived in the woods...never mind click here for all the details.

The King has a huge royal chip on his shoulder, and has somehow deduced that since his first son died,
Prince Charming must be made to suffer a loss as well.

Dear ABC,

This logic makes my head hurt.

Snow White looks at her cup fearing she's been poisoned. But Charming Senior is more sinister than that and he drops the bomb that she's been cursed, and therefore unable to give Prince Charming any heirs.

Henry finds Jefferson sitting alone on a bench clutching a missing person's poster from his daughter, Grace.

*waves* Hi, Jefferson! Love the scarf.

He's wrought with guilt at leaving her with the neighbors, while he helped the Evil Queen journey to the land of hearts where she retrieved her father's heart and tricked him into staying trapped...oh never mind, click here for the details.

Looking good, Jefferson...looking good.
photo credit,

All hope is lost because there's no magic to fix the hat. Jefferson mumbles at Henry to ask his mother about her vault. Then he runs away—like he always does.

The Mayor is packing up her office...and she's wearing a blue shirt! Color? Could this be the start of a nicer Mayor?

Let's hope not.

Henry calls and invites her to lunch. The Mayor is super excited and rushes out to meet him at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat. But as soon as she's out the door, he sneaks in and steals her ring of skeleton keys.

Emma feels useless compared to Mary Margaret's re-emerging battle skills, and Mulan's impressive knowledge about ogres and general enchanted forest trivia.

Lancelot confesses to Snow White that he had no idea the King was going to curse her. Trying to atone for his mistake, he warns her that Prince Charming's mother, Ruth, is about to ambused by the King's Guards.

Quite frankly I can't keep all the evil Kings and Queens straight.

Prince Charming makes it to the cabin first and enjoys his mother's company for ten seconds before the King's Guards arrive in long capes. He still manages to fight off a dozen of these guys with Jackie Chan like choreography. Soon the ground is littered with bodies.

If this were The Hunger Games I would totally bet on him.

But Ruth isn't so lucky, she stumbles from behind a bush, clutching an arrow to her chest.

Dear ABC,

None of the King's Guards carried a bow and arrow.

Sleeping Beauty tries to attack Mary Margaret but she flips her over, and has her pinned faster than Hulk Hogan. Emma fires her pistol in the air to stop the fight. Mary Margaret scolds her silly daughter; apparently ogres have great hearing. An ogre bursts through the tress hungry for some pretty lady kabob. In a scene straight out of Jurassic Park, Emma is forced to freeze while the blind Ogre roars so loud, her golden tresses are blown straight back.

Mary Margaret puts an end to the mucus shower by shooting an arrow into it's eye. She gives Emma a 'next time listen to your mother' kind of look.

Speaking of mothers...where's Cora?

Prince Charming decides the best way to help Ruth is to venture back to the lake where he can get healing here for all of those details.

Snow White journeys beside Ruth, trying to keep her comfortable. Ruth starts to talk about grandchildren and pulls out a pendant that can supposedly predict the sex of Snow White's child, even before she's pregnant.

This is pretty typical chit chat for a first meeting with your future inlaw.

The pendant is motionless and Snow White cries that she can never have children. But Ruth doesn't even bat an eye! 'Hey, dummy,' she says to Snow White, 'we're on our way to the healing waters, right?'

What can go wrong? Oops, the lake has dried up. I guess when Prince Charming killed the siren that lived there, the water dried up.

Holy crap, I can almost hear Mr. Gold remind us that 'magic always comes with a price'.

Henry enters the vault hidden under the tomb, and uses the skeleton key to open a dusty old chest. Two cobras spring out—these guys look like the ones who bit Snow White's dad.

David suddenly slams the top shut, saving Henry. He convinces him he'll let him help save Emma and Mary Margaret, but they need to do it together. And since David has accomplished nothing so far, he can use all the help he can get.

Lancelot manages to find a snail shell full of water. Ruth tries to convince Snow White to take it, but she refuses.

And honestly, I can't blame her, it would come up every Thanksgiving.

Emma, Mary Margaret, Sleeping Beauty and Mulan enter Hogwarts castle and find Emma's nursery that where she never got to spend any time. Mary Margaret gets all melancholy at missing out on Emma's childhood, but Emma blocks her out, only caring about returning to Henry. They examine the wardrobe that Gepetto made and wonder if it has enought magic to get them back to Storybrooke.

Ruth takes a drink but she doesn't recover. She knows she's dying and wishes she could only live long enough to see Snow White marry her son. Everyone agrees a wedding should take place speedy quick.

Not only does Lancelot have time to erect an arbor and an inpressive wild flower bouquet in the middle of a barren desert, but he also has wine for the marriage cup which both Snow White and Prince Charming drink from.

Lancelot suddenly arrives in the nursery, surprising Mary Margaret. He looks at the wardrobe with fascination. Mary Margaret realizes he knows too much, including Henry's name. She pulls a sword and he melts into Cora.

A battle ensures and Emma sets the wardrobe on fire, preventing Cora from getting to Storybrooke and thereby canceling out any chance this episode had of becoming EPIC.

Snow White and Prince Charming bury Ruth. He tells her his mother wanted to pass on her pendant. Snow White starts to protest but then the necklace starts to move! Prince Charming is so happy, he's inspired to get all the rebels together and take back the kingdom from the Evil Queen..."in style".

Snow White confronts Lancelot with her suspitions. He confides that Ruth insist he put the magic water into the marriage cup.

In the middle of the ransacked nursery, Mulan proposses thet form an all girl posse and go after style.

Emma sees how much Mary Margaret gave up to save her—just like she gave up her chance to be with Henry by burning the wardrobe. Emma cries real tears.

Humf! She didn't cry when Schmexy died.

Cora waits until the posse leaves, then she rematerializes from thin air, and takes a beaker of ash from the wardrobe.

*Insert evil laugh*

Jefferson waits by the school bus and calls out to his daughter. Instead of throwing apples and being angry with him, Grace runs into his arms.

Hi Jefferson! You can totally pull off eyeliner!

photo credit,
Henry watches the reunion from Emma's yellow bug feeling a little jealous. But David shows up with wooden swords and tells him it's time for his Princely fighting lessons to start.

But Henry isn't the only one hiding in cars and spying on families, from across the street, the baby buying, Princess kidnapping, cursed potion giver—Charming Senior style.

Predictions for next week...

1. Sleeping Beauty finally gets a real name.

2. David gets a splinter from the wooden sword and spends the whole episode looking for tweezers.

3. The Mayor gets cray and adds a teal blazer to her wardrobe.

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