Monday, 1 October 2012

Once Upon A Time, Episode 1, Season 2, "Broken"

Or better title, “Awkward!”

Things aren't looking good for re-election.
photo credit,
A line up of horses along Central Park suddenly get spooked by a dark haired stranger in a suit.

Hmm...a Sleepy Hollow connection perhaps?

We follow the 'mystery guy' as he takes the subway to his small apartment. How small is it? It's so small when he puts the key in the door, he breaks the window.


A pigeon lands on the window sill and leaves him a post card beside his rotary telephone. Rotary phone! What is this, the 1970's?

But that's not important. What is important is that the postcard is from Storybrooke. Only one word is scrawled across the back in bold letters


Ha! Ha! Sorry, the word is BROKEN.

And this is a perfect example of why prologues are unnecessary. I'll explain at the end.

Two horsemen gallop across a barren plain and enter a thorn covered palace to find Sleeping Beauty.

The first horseman, a lovely chap who reminds me of Schmexy, gives her true love's kiss—completely expected, yes? She awakens and calls him Phillip, then the real kissing begins.

The second horseman, still unidentifiable under a mask and helmet, feels AWKWARD watching them make out, and sneaks off to explore the castle.

In Storybrooke the purple haze has lifted. David and Mary Margaret, now enjoying life together as the royal couple, reunite with Red and Granny and the dwarfs. I recognize Grumpy and Sneezy, but there's a guy someone put a big floppy purple knit cap on. Let's assume that dude is Dopey.

I'm starting to feel a little dopey and it's only the first five minutes of the show.

Emma shows up and things get AWKWARD as they realize they're a family. Henry runs up and calls David, Grandpa!

Remember Henry? He was on his death bed, in his pyjamas two minutes ago.

*rubs temples*

For what it's worth, if I were David, I'd go find August Wayne Booth and beat the crap out of his useless wooden butt for leaving baby Emma at the orphanage.

And since we all need reminding, the Blue Fairy shows up as the Head Nun, to warn everyone that even though magic should never be in Storybrooke, things are complicated now.

Wouldn't it be really weird to see something that's usually the size of a bug, one day show up as big as you? Think about that the next time you see a spider.

Dear ABC,

Changing the rules halfway through the story is not only unfair to the viewer it's also AWKWARD.

Emma tells her expanding family that since the spell isn't broken, meaning they haven't been transported back to fairy tale land, that the Evil Queen had nothing to do with the purple fog, and that honor probably rests with Mr. Gold.

Mr. Gold and Belle are spending some quality time in the woods by the well catching up on all the news that's been happening in the last twenty-eight years. When he learns the Evil Queen is the one responsible for her imprisonment, he's outraged.

Belle gives him an ultimatum to never kill the Queen and asks him to turn his back on magic.

He promises, but we all know where this is going.

The nameless people who make up crowd scenes, form a posse and parade toward Regina's house. Dr. Hopper, appeals to their conscience and counsels Emma and the gang to stop the angry mob.

Why? Because Rumpelstiltskin needs an adversary, of course.

At Sleeping Beauty's castle, the masked horseman discovers a hidden chamber, but mistakenly releases a wispy black demon that looks like the love child between a Jawa from Star Wars and a Dementor from Azkaban.

photo credit,

photo credit,

But the horseman is very skilled with the sword and manages cut away it's dangling amulet, sending it screaming off into the sky.

Mr. Gold takes Belle to his shop. While he pretends to be getting new clothes for her, he secretly puts on gloves, unlocks a cupboard, and retrieves a golden box. He unlocks it, and takes out *GASP* the very same amulet that the Dementor-knock-off had been wearing.

The angry mob arrives at the Mayor's house with Dr. Whale in the lead.

Remember him? He's the guy without a fairy tale identity...yet.

Regina steps out and tries to unleash some magic on the blood thirsty crowd, but nothing happens. She is powerless.

Let me repeat that, she has no magic.

Emma and her parents bust up the party and take her to the jail house. Once safely behind bars Regina tells them fairy tale land no longer exists...suckas!

They storm out, leaving the room completely empty for Mr. Gold to rush in and confront her about kidnapping Belle.

Geez, didn't they see each other in the hallway?

With lightening speed, he grabs Regina's hand in his gloved one, and presses the amulet into her palm. She recognizes it and gets super scared.

Sleeping Beauty and Phillip see the black demon fly away, he picks up the amulet. The second horseman takes off the helmet and mask and reveals herself to be Mulan—a Disney Princess, thank you very much...even though she doesn't get as much swag as Tinkerbell, who by all definitions isn't even a Princess.

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Sleeping Beauty listens to how the beautiful Mulan and Phillip have become awesome pals in their adventures together, and is so grateful Phillip had a friend—actually no, she's totally jealous, and I confess I'm rooting for Mulan.

Mulan fills in the plot nicely and tells us the creature she just battled kills it's prey by sucking their souls. *cough* dementor *cough*
Sleeping Beauty is scared so Phillip gives her a big long kiss. But uh-oh, we see the amulet has left him with a black mark. Soon, the Dementor, black demon, will come for him.

That or he'll be cursed to sail on the Black Pearl and meet his death at the hands of a sea creature.

Mr. Gold takes his Rumpelstiltskin engraved dagger, and stabs the amulet, calling for the 'dark one.'

I can't keep up with all the villains on this episode.  

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Regina, a split second later, sees a mark seared into her palm. Cue Jack Sparrow.

Mary Margaret and Grampa David talk to Emma about their decision to abandon her as a baby. Mary Margaret tries to tell her that they did it to save her and give her a better life.

Emma says she doesn't feel like she belongs because she's spent her whole life alone, and that she would have wanted to be cursed if it meant growing up with them. Mary Margaret can't think of anything to say.


Mulan advices Phillip and Sleeping Beauty to set up camp in the spookiest part of the forest. Phillip wastes little time, telling Sleeping Beauty how much he's missed her and gives her another big smooch. And then predictably, he leaves for firewood while secretly crying.

Emma and her awkward parents arrive at Dr. Gold's shop asking for answers.

Because he usually gives it straight up. NOT.

Mr. Gold, doesn't even flinch. He coolly lists all the good stuff that has happened: ie, Emma met her parents, and Henry is alive.

Suddenly it's dark and car alarms start going off. Grampa David and Mary Margaret rush to the window as bits of Storybrooke blow around.

I'm thinking it's the StayPuff Marshmallow man from Ghost Busters.

Mr. Gold tells them not to worry, he's summoned the one thing that can rid them of the Evil Queen. They hardly find this reassuring, and they freak out and leave.

Okay, let's recap. Mr. Gold has magic, but the Evil Queen doesn't. Good, let's move on.

Belle comes out from behind the curtain calling his bluff on his promise not to hurt the Evil Queen. “You're still a man who makes wrong choices,” she cries. She takes off, ignoring his pleas for forgiveness.

Mulan and Sleeping Beauty start to argue when they realize Phillip isn't coming back. Mulan grabs her sword determined to help him fight off the Dementor-wanna-be. Sleeping Beauty runs after, saying she's just as useful in a fight, but two seconds later, she gets lost.

Inside the jail, the power flickers and the black demon disguised as a Dementor arrives to kill Regina.

Damn! If only she had some chocolate.

Expecto Patronum!

Emma and her parents show up and scare it off with a can of hair spray and a lighter.

Mary Margaret is so smart! I'm guessing delinquent dwarf showed her that trick.

Regina says it's no use trying to save her, the beast will be back.

Grampa David is like, 'huh, well...too bad. You're evil anyway.'

But Emma raises the stakes and reminds her dad, and us, that she made a promise to Henry to protect Regina.

It seems to me that Emma makes waaaaay too many promises to the wrong people.

Regina is hopeful and tells them there's a way to get rid of the demon, but they all have to go to her house.

Wow, I hope it doesn't involve magic because she doesn't have any...remember?

Her plan is to use Jefferson's Mad Hatter Hat to create the worm hole back to fairy tale land, which no longer exists, apparently.

Mulan is deep in the forest trying to pick up Philip's tracks. She's surprised when Sleeping Beauty shows up ridding a horse, getting up in Mulan's face with her new attitude, 'I'm-strong-and-pretty-too! Yo!' She then accuses Mulan of being in love with her fella.

Hey, I do too, he reminds me of Schmexy.

Back at the Mayor's house, Regina spins the hat on the floor as the others think it's a good idea to set the house on fire.

Mulan and Sleeping Beauty find Phillip and watch in horror as he gets attacked by the black demon. His soul and the Dementor look-a-like get sucked into the amulet.

Dear ABC,

Why do you keep killing off the cute guys?

PS Where is Jefferson? 

Amazingly, Regina is able to make the hat work!

Hooray for plot inconsistencies!

The purple vortex turns the the foyer into a wind tunnel making Emma look like she's in a shampoo commercial. The ripped-garbage-bag-wearing-monster shows up, and starts to get sucked into the vortex. But wouldn't you know it, Regina gets in the way at the last second. Emma, who never backs down from a promise, pushes her out of the way, and follows the demon into the void.

Mary Margaret gives a monologue about why she can't let Emma be alone again, and jumps in after.

Grampa David waits a second too long, and he ends up doing a belly flop on the linoleum.

Sleeping Beauty lays Phillip's body on her mattress. Mulan gives her the amulet that contains his soul.

It also contains the black demon, but we'll worry about that later, I guess.

Grampa David clutches the hat and demands answers from Regina. But she's had enough. She waves her hands—as if by magic, he's thrown against the wall as vines sprout from thin air and begin to strangle him.

Magic in Storybrooke is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Henry arrives with Red, making Regina forget about killing his grandfather, and she puts on her happy face.


When he finds out she really, really, really, is evil, he gives her an awful ultimatum.

Bring back Emma and Mary Margaret, and until then, he's living with his Grampa David.


Mr. Gold is spinning wool in a scene that's more ridiculous than awkward, when Belle comes walking back in. They recap that the monster has left the town and all seems peaceful again. She sees the chipped tea cup and gets all weepy. He tells her it's the only thing he truly cherishes.

Hold on, doesn't he have a son?

Then Mr. Gold tells her to leave because he's no good for her.

But Belle won't listen, she says that's the exact reason why she has to stay.

Okay, that totally flies in the face of the first reason she left, but hey, that's the way this show rolls. Besides, she's just a love sick girl newly escaped from the asylum.

Grampa David tells Henry not to be so glum because he will find them...he will always find them.

Maybe he should get Dr. Hopper's dalmatian and search the gold mine like they did in Episode 4. You know, the place that opens into fairy tale land?

Oh...never mind.

Mulan tells Sleeping Beauty that while she was asleep, the Evil Queen took everyone away to a different land, but for some reason their little corner of the kingdom remained. However, she warns her they must leave quickly. It's dangerous for them to still be so close to where the demon emerged.

Mulan moves away some of the wreckage and tells Sleeping Beauty that the thing that lies underneath is what caused all the destruction to their land. The camera pans down to show Emma and Mary Margaret lying unconscious.

Right...because they totally look like Dementors.

And this is the end where I'd like to talk about prologues. The opening sequence, while fun to watch, probably took a week to shoot and added absolutely nothing to the story. I'm sure once they introduce the mystery guy with the small apartment and the rotary phone again, we won't remember him.

Predictions for next episode.

Emma, Mary Margaret, Mulan and Sleeping Beauty will slowly assume the characteristics of the chicks from Sex and the City.

Someone will give Sleeping Beauty a nickname, probably me because I hate writing it out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Grampa David will do a lot of walking around and scowling while accomplishing nothing.

Dr. Wells will continue to be ambiguous while thanking the producers for keeping him around while the research 'ambiguous fairy tale characters' on Google.

The mystery guy will turn out to be Bellfire. Who is Bellfire you ask? Click here to find out.

1 comment:

Mystery and Mayhem said...

I didn't see Mr Gold put on black gloves when he took out the amulet. A bit of a misstep?

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