Tuesday, 30 July 2013

The Bachelorette, Season 9, Finale Part 1 "The Crying Game"

ABC has been teasing us with a big twist that is so shocking they had to split the finale into two shows.

Drew, Chris, and the Brookster

Here's my guess, Des picks Brooks, but he confesses that although he enjoys making out with her in exotic locations while being filmed, he doesn't want to give her special naked hugs for the rest of his life.

Des has narrowed the list down of twenty-five freakish men to three; Brooks, Drew, and Chris.

Before you can say beach blanket bingo, Des packs her bikini and whisks us and her camera crew off to Antigua.

She tells us, “This week is going to be the next step in my life. I can't think of a better place for my fairy tale ending to come true.”

Des does a quick recap about her potential soul mates.

She says, “Chris has all these masculine qualities that I admire, but he's also boyish and silly.”

She also thought he was the guy with the biggest masculine quality. He was also the first to tell her that he loved her. “I could trust Chris with my heart,” she says, “and I'd be very lucky to end up with him.”

Gee, why doesn't she pick him?

Next she tells us Drew has always struck her as someone who is passionate and romantic.

“His body is off the charts, but he's so humble and sweat. He'll be a great husband and father. If Drew and I end up together, we'll have a deep connection and a very happy life.”

Gee, why doesn't she pick him?

Then she tells us this, “I separate Brooks from the other guys. When I'm with him, I see my future. He's one of a kind. I love that about him. And even though he hasn't told her that he's loves her, she can tell by the way he kisses her.”

Gee, why would she choose him?

Drew is first up for the overnight date. He's all Colgate smiles and loveliness. They explore the island, party with the locals, buy souvenirs, and make out.

Drew says, “Today is about living in the moment.”

Good because this is probably your last date with her.

They have a picnic and Drew tells her his family LOVES her, like with a capital 'L'.

Des is probably imagining what Brooks looks like while he's napping.

They were supposed to have a romantic dinner on the beach but it rains. Poo. So they hurry speedy quick to the fantasy suite. She gives Drew the opportunity to stay the night and he takes her up on it.


Drew repeats how much he loves her and he tells her that he's ready to marry her.

Des is probably wondering if Brooks is a boxer of brief kind of guy.

Next, we're treated to a painful therapy session back home with Brooks. He spends a lot of time walking by himself trying to figure out if he's in love with Des. He visits his mom and sister for advice.

Dear ABC,

I totally see through your plan. This is all a set up to drive ratings.

Brooks spends way too much time talking about himself. I'm already bored. He says he wants to be in love. His sister tells him, “At this point you should know if you're in love, dummy.”

Okay, I added the dummy part.

There's a lot of guitar strumming in the background as Brooks continues to talk about his needs and how he's so confused. Blah, blah, blah...

Chris is the next to land on the island of Des.

She says, “He expresses how much he loves me every time I see him. So I just want this day to be about having fun.”

Translation, “I like Brooks the best, so I'm just going to make out with Chris until he gets here.”

They tour the island by helicopter and Chris spends most of the time, trying to come up with rhymes for 'helicopter'.

He says, “I have no doubt she's sharing the same feelings of love that I have.”

Meanwhile, Brooks is trying to decide which socks to pack.

Des makes a toast to Antigua, beaches and spending more time with Chris. And silently in her heart, that Brooks's plane lands early. They eat a picnic of fruit and giggle about how fun it was to impress his family with her effortless charm.

Chris tells us, “I'll be there with her in the sad times, to give her a hug and be with her for the good times. I can see myself with her for the rest of my life.”

Sad times, huh? I think there might be one coming up soon.

Meanwhile, Brooks is trying to decide how much sugar to add to his coffee.

During the romantic dinner, Chris mentions he has a great job prospect in Seattle and he asks Des if she would consider moving there. He also throws in a cute house by the water. Des smiles and says California is her home.

Translation, “Seattle is too far from where Brooks lives.”

She pulls out the fantasy suite key and Chris says it's a great opportunity to spend more time with her.


Meanwhile, Brooks is trying to decide if he should go to the bathroom before leaving the house.

In the fantasy suite, Chris pulls out his secret weapon...another poem.

Okay, enough we get it, you can rhyme. Please stop.

Des tells us, “Chris is so perfect for me in so many ways.”

Translation, “I'll still pick Brooks.”

Guess who's next????

The Brookster arrives and Des can barely contain herself. “Even though I'm falling in love with the other guys, I have a deeper feeling for Brooks. I'm so excited to see him.”

Brooks and the host have a little interview.

Dear ABC,

I'm on to you! You're adding drama to fill in the second hour.

I won't be duped by ABC, I fast forward though the Brooks-is-confused- interview. I check at the three minute mark and the host says, “If you're not ready, then spend some time in the fantasy suite with her.”

Brooks responds with, “If I don't feel it now, I won't feel it with more time.”

Too bad he didn't realize this BEFORE he got on the plane.

I fast forward again and at the ten minute mark Brooks says, “I just wish I were there.” There's a sad piano solo in the background as the host tells Chris to man up and tell Des the truth.

Here we go, it's the moment ABC has been teasing us with all week!!!!

Des is expecting a date and Brooks is preparing to break up with her...or at least what you call not planning on dating the girl who is dating two other guys.

She rushes down to the beach to great Brooks. The sad piano begins to play. That was her first clue. The second clue was Brooks showing up with tears running down his face.

Aw, her heart melts because she thinks he's so enraptured. Then he says, “I just want to talk to you about how I feel.”

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!

Brooks does a lot of sighing and squirming, he can't even look at Des. His speech totally sucks. He goes with the 'you're a much better person than I am'. The camera zooms in and you can actually see the moment that Des's heart breaks.


He stumbles through his words and it makes no sense. He finally tells her that when she's not around he doesn't think about her. He really wants to be madly in love with her, but...

Dear ABC,


I kind of wish Mikey and James were there to beat the crap out of him.

Des asks the million dollar question, “Why now?”

His answer, “I didn't know until I saw you today.”

Des tells him that she loves him. Then they both break down crying into their elbows because neither one can cry on each others shoulder.

The locals gather around the white couple sobbing on the bench.

Here's how the next ten minutes play out; Des creaks out how much she loves him between sniffs, and Brooks sits with his head in his hands.

He tells us, “I'm surprised at how much she loves me.”

Not by the time this airs, I'm guessing.

Des drops the bombshell that she's been holding back and not falling for the other guys because she was saving her heart for HIM.

I'm surprised there isn't blood coming out of his nose.

Then he asks her, “Should I go home?”

Joe Jeezer! Can this guy not make a decision about anything? This is how I'm imaging Des's life with Brooks would be like:

“Honey, is it time to take out the garbage?”

“Des, should I walk the dog now?”

“Am I thirsty for milk or water?”

“Do I like Chinese or should we order pizza?”

Des tells him to sit on the bench, then she leaves him crying in the middle of the palm trees. He walks around aimlessly, I'm guessing because he can't decide which bench to choose.

Des tells the camera she's now left with the task of letting down two awesome guys because she doesn't love them as much as Brooks. She says the journey for her is over.

I guess not for ABC though, because next week there's another two hour finale.

What will happen? Will Des dump both guys?

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