Tuesday, 21 January 2014

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"

It's a new week and there are only fifteen girls left!

Cassandra, the cry baby from last episode, is going on the next solo date. She keeps telling us she hasn't been on a date since she was eighteen and she's really nervous. Juan Pablo tells us he realizes she has a child waiting for her at home and won't waste her time.

They spin around in an amphibious vehicle. That's a car that can drive on land and be a power boat on the water. We have several in Halifax for tourists, they're called the Harbour Hoppers.


Cassandra has never heard of these. She says, “This is like something out of a movie.”

Or Halifax.

They 'park' beside a yacht and Cassandra is no longer worried or nervous. She peels off her cover-up, showing off her bikini. She says, “I'm going to trust Juan.”

'Trusting' Juan looks a lot like making out with Juan.

After frolicking in the water, they go back to his mansion and he cooks for her. She reminds us again that she hasn't dated in three years. He gives her an impromptu dance lesson to make her more comfortable.


She says, “I'm so surprised I'm so relaxed.”

It's the wine, sweetheart.

They move onto dessert. She tells us again she hasn't had a date in three years. They look at pictures of each others kids. Cassandra tells Juan she's having a great time with him today. Guess how long it's been since she's felt like this for a guy?

Yes, that's right. Three years! Which coincidentally is how long this episode already feels.

The next day Juan takes the group date to a soccer field.

Side note, girls play waaaaay dirtier than any FIFA match. This should be interesting.

The girls show up and watch Juan play with the Galaxy team. The dudes show off their moves for the screaming ladies.

Oh Gawd! Horrible high school flash back.

Allie, the Nanny, is also a soccer player so she's totally stoked to show off. The girls have a quick practice with Juan and then they split into teams.


Sharlene uses all of her body parts to block the ball, including her face. Juan thinks her grit is attractive.

One team won, one team lost. Whatever.

The evening portion of the group date consists of wine, candles and couches throughout the empty stadium.

Juan takes Nikki for the first one on one. She talks about how scared she is to 'open up and put herself out there.'

I wish I had a nickel for every frickin' time those girls said that phrase.

He takes Andi, the lawyer, into the concession stand. They slip on slushies and talk about love. She tells us, “He makes me giddy.”

It's the sugar, babycakes.

Then they make out by the stainless steel fridge.

Allie tells Juan she wants to have five or six kids so they can have their own soccer team.

Nice strategy, Allie.

Juan takes Sharleen to the middle of the field and lays down a blanket. I'm waiting for her to break out into an aria. They have a steamy kiss and the other girls watch from the upper bowl.

But it's Nikki who gets the date rose.

Andi quickly questions her kissing technique, while Sharleen tells us. “I'm surprised by how much that bothers me.”


Chelsea, "the science educator", is going on the last solo date. Juan says he wants to make her fears go away and starts singing to the Spanish song on the car radio. She rocks it out like any white girl who is desperate to look cool.

They eat burritos and stuff, then he takes her bungee jumping off a bridge.

Yup. That should help get rid of her fears. What the heck is it with these bachelors making the girls do these ridiculous stunts?

They get strapped together and Chelsea tells him she's terrified.

Juan tells us he's going to try and make her feel comfortable.

God, I hope he doesn't start singing again. If he really wanted her to be comfortable he'd let her back off.

They he says, “We'll do whatever you want to do.”

She steps on the ledge, then they back up...again. He tells her it's okay.

I'll spare you the next ten minutes of the back and forthing that keeps happening. She doesn't want to do it, but she's worried she's not going to get a rose.

Then they jump. Once the bouncing stops, they kiss, upside down, Spiderman style.


She says, “If we can jump off a bridge together we can do anything.”

They have a private dinner—or at least there are candles and wine glasses.

Juan tells her his biggest fear is not being a role model for his daughter. Chelsea says she's most afraid of not being happy.

Really? I thought it was heights.

Then she tells him she's the black sheep of the family because she's a teacher and the rest of her family are dentists and doctors.

Hmm...brag much?

She gets the date rose.

Then they're treated to a private concert.

*Hits fast forward*

Listen, until they get Duran Duran up there, I'm not watching.

The next morning Juan surprises the girls with an early morning visit to make them breakfast. He looks hot, they're in panamas and no makeup. Afterwards, there's a pool party.

*Cue the bikini's and cat claws*

They all preen themselves pool side staring at Juan's abs.

Sharleen gets a little weepy and tells Juan all the cameras are freaking her out a bit. The cuddle turns into a kiss. Some of the girls aren't impressed. Claire escapes to the house to cry. Renee goes into therapy mode with her.

Oh-uh. Juan forgot Sean's golden rule; Don't make out when the other girls are watching.

Renee must be getting tired of listening to all these crying girls.

Claire goes to see Juan on the cuddle couch and lets him know she's NOT jealous but it was hard listening to hear all the girls talk about their awesome solo dates. Plus, she's been 'putting herself out there' and it's scary.

Juan charms her and soon she's smiling.

Renee and Juan should open up their own counselling clinic.

The rose ceremony is next.

The girls get their make-up and stilettos on.

Andi, the lawyer, gets the first rose. Followed by Renee, Kelli and her dog, Sharleen, Elise, and a few others. I can't name them all because I don't want to get too attached.

The last rose goes to...Danielle.

Lucy the free spirit and some blond chick I don't even recognize, are going back home to real life.

Too bad, they didn't even get a chance to leave the continent.

The blond cries and says this is her worst nightmare. Lucy is also weepy but she leaves us with some hopeful words. “I hope everyone in there finds love one way or the other because everyone deserves to be loved.”

Well, Lucy, at least two people will be happy.

Thirsty for more?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"

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