Tuesday, 7 January 2014

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1, "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"


Remember Juan Pablo from last season's The Bachelorette?

He's a retired professional soccer player who now works as a travelling sports reporter. He's hot, has a great job, and a cute little daughter.

If Juan can't get a date then what the heck is the rest of the population doing?

Oh, he's looking for true love.

And everyone knows the best way to find true love is to make out with strangers on prime time.

He says being a dad is not easy, and that he's always thinking about how his actions will affect Camilla—no matter what he's doing.

Let's remember that little gem for a hot tub scene, shall we?

Juan tells us, “There's a person for everyone. And I'm hoping to fall in love.”

Well, it worked for all the other shows...right?

Sean from The Bachelorette Season 8 and The Bachelor Season 17 shows up to give Juan some advice. Maybe he's going for a record in consecutive reality show appearances.

Dear God, what pearls of wisdom will Sean bestow upon Juan?

Sean says, “Some woman will be wacky, just have fun and go with it.” Then he adds this, “When making out with one girl, make sure the others aren't watching.”

Good to know.

Buckle your safety belts! The girls are about to arrive. I can't wait to meet the crazy one.

Chelsie is a 'science educator'. Um...you mean like a teacher or is she a summer camp counselor?


There's Renee, a single mom, who is in amazing shape. When do all these single parents have time to work out?


Andi is a prosecutor with a penchant for dressing like she's rehearsing for Law&Order.

Amy is a massage therapist. She says, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.”

I think we just found our freak for this season.


Nikki is a paediatric nurse. “I want that head over heels feeling. Juan is very sexy.”

Go girl.

Lauren tells us she has a great family life, but her love life sucks. She got engaged, had the dress ready, and the ring, then he broke up with her over the phone. “I want Juan Paulo!” She was already crying and the show hasn't even started.

I fast forwarded through the rest. Suffice to say, they all have long hair and big boobs.

The Host greets Juan Paulo and blah, blah, blah...

The first limo pulls up with loads of squealing.

Amy, a local news reporter is the first to tackle hug Juan Paulo.

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer and she brings a lot of awkward pauses.

Juan is soon overcome with how hot the girls are. He's ready to start picking wives from the first limo.

Nikki the paediatric nurse, brought a stethoscope and lets Juan listen to her racing heart so he can tell how nervous she is.

Hey, Juan got to first base already. Sean would be proud.

Lucy, twirls out of the limo in her white dress with no shoes and is wearing a crown of flowers. She says she's a free spirit. I think she's a fairy on a spy mission.

Lauren arrives on a bike playing the piano. I can smell the desperation through the TV.

Chelsie 'the science educator', tells him they should make chemistry together.


Another teacher shows up and gives him a gold star sticker.

What the heck is with all the teachers?

The next girl, Clare, arrives with an obvious baby bump. It's a joke.

Oh my Lord! Amy, the massage therapist has arrived. She manages to keep her hands to herself.

Kelly, a dog lover—yes that's her actual job title, brought her dog. I can't wait to see the other women dodge the dog in their gowns and dresses.

Sharleen arrives in her flowing lavender gown. Juan LOVES her dress. She's an opera singer and she's from Canada! Yeah!

For the record, Sharleen is not only a Murakami fan, but she's the only one who put down someone other than 'Dr. Seuss' for Favorite Author.


Andi the prosecutor, gets out of the limo in her navel skimming, low cut dress and makes Juan all silly. He even repeats her name a few times.

Yup, Andi's getting a rose.

When all the girls are assembled, Juan walks into the room and all the women giggle and stare at him. He tells them how beautiful they all are. Then he whips out the BOSE stereo and a dance party starts.

And you know what every party needs? Yes, drunk girls crying.

Nikki the nurse gets him alone and they chit chat, she makes him repeat her name a few times.


Renee and Juan discuss their kids.

Lucy, the fairy queen, twirls around and tells him, “Don't be nervous, be sure.” He calls her a happy camper. I think he means crazy girl.

Amy decides the best way to bond with Juan is to give him a massage...with his suit on. She discusses how he's one of the most beautiful people in the world.

The Host brings out the 'first impression rose' and the girls are freaking out.

Lauren, the jilted bride, bites her nails and says she needs that rose.

One of the girls from the mid-west said that rose represents her future.

Interesting how normal people lose touch with reality soooo quickly on this show.


Lauren monologues about her insecurities and starts to cry in front of the camera. “I can't believe I'm the one who's getting worked up.”

I hate to say it, but I did predict this.

Lauren waits alone on the couch. “I want him to see the good energy I have, but I'm breaking a little bit.”

Juan finally meets up with her. Lauren tells Juan about her ex-fiance and how she was ready to be a step-mom to his young son. She's smiling through the story of her break-up, but cries again to the camera.

Andi tells Juan she's a lawyer and he says, “Wow you read a lot.”

She replies with, "I send bad people to jail."

Such compelling conversation for a first date.

                                                                     Sharleen and Jaun. www.wetpaint.com

Juan has some time with Sharleen the opera singer. He compliments her again how much he loves her dress. He tells us her elegance and worldly presence sets her apart from the other girls. He gives her the first impression rose.

She stares at the rose and stammers, “Sure. Thank you.” She's shocked, but she tells the camera she wishes there was more of a connection. She seems awkward to have the rose in front of so many girls who are salivating for it.

I'm thinking Sharleen is just realizing only wackos sign up for this show.  

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Claire, a girl with long hair and big boobs.

Nikki the nurse is next.

Renee the single mom, also gets a rose.

Andi the lawyer gets a rose. No shock there.

Oh my God, he chose the girl with the dog!

Chelsie the 'science educator' also gets a flower.

Cat is called and Kylie steps forward. Insert awkward moment. Kylie steps back and blinks away tears.

Lucy the fairy skips across the floor for her rose.

There is only one rose left, so of course the host comes out to tell us there's only one rose left.

Kylie, Amy the massage therapist, Lauren, and a bunch of other nameless chicks are left.

Some other girl gets the rose.

Amy cries and says, “I put myself out there completely.”

No, you got on a plane, put on a dress and gave a dude a massage.

Kylie pouts in her neon pink lipstick and lets us know her heart is breaking. She's so ready to find that perfect person.

Lauren says she tired of people feeling sorry for her. She's also shocked she's going home on the first night.

Dear Lauren,

Sell that wedding dress and book a cruise.

She leaves us with these words of wisdom, “I'm going to go home to my family and try to get back to normal.”

Amen to that, sister.


Rebecca Green Gasper said...

I was sooo looking forward to these posts! Best part of Bachelor season! Thanks for the laughs.

Leandra Wallace said...

I'm so looking forward to what happens w/Sharleen! I don't think she's entirely sold on the show(smart woman). :)

BR Myers said...

Thanks, girls. Glad you're enjoying. I agree with you, Leandra. Sharleen seems way too normal to be on the show. She may leave before the next rose ceremony.

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