Or better title “Ridiculous Reasons
for Rivalry”
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| examiner.com |
Peasants on their way to the Emerald
City find a baby after a terrible storm. But the little baby shows
signs of having super powers, ie: she stops a tree from falling on
them. The woman is so taken with the baby's cuteness she thinks
nothing of her magical ability. However, the father is suspicious.
He says, “She's not like us.”
Dude, she dropped out of a cyclone,
unharmed.
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| entertainmentoutlook.com |
Storybrooke buries Neal. Everyone takes
a turn putting a shovel of dirt on top of the coffin. There's no
dialogue for the first three minutes.
*cough* lazy writers *cough*
A young Zalena is shaving her father.
She cuts him by mistake, but magics it all better speedy quick.
Instead of being grateful for the free health care he admits he's
always been afraid of her power and calls her wicked. Then he drops
the bombshell that she was adopted.
She begins to cry and wishes her mother
was still alive.
He tells her to dry her tears and put
on a good face—this guy is all about appearances.
But Zalena's had enough. She storms out
of their humble hut determined to find a family who loves her. The one and only person who can help her is—the Wizard of OZ.
Emma grieves for Neal by fanning the
fire of revenge.
Yeah, because that works out so well
for everyone in this show.
Hook convinces her to cool off and he
offers to take Henry sailing so he can tell him about Neal. Remember
Neal spent a lot of time on Hook's ship after he escaped from Peter
Pan's freaky shadow thing.
Regina and Tinkerbell hang out at
Granny's pub/diner/laundromat gossiping about Robin Hood. Regina knows
he's her soul mate but she's reluctant to start anything with him.
Why? Doesn't matter. The writers know
it creates tension.
Zalena arrives with flourish at Granny's in full witchy garb and gives a fabulous speech. She lets everyone, including
Regina, know that they're actually sisters.
Regina calls her bluff since she's a
murderous witch and all that. Zalena tells her it's time she learns
the truth. They'll meet on Main Street at sundown for a big showdown.
Regina says she never loses. “Oh
yeah,” Zalena says, “well neither do I.”
There better be some big fireworks at this showdown because nothing has really happened yet.
David, Emma, and Mary Margaret grill
Regina about Zalena, but she's just as surprised as them.
A young Zalena arrives at the castle of
the Great and Power Wizard of Oz. His silhouette appears behind a
curtain. He knows that she's come to find her true family. He warns
her that the past may be difficult to accept.
Parental discretion is advised.
Zalena sees images of Cora abandoning
her in the basket before the big storm. Why is she being abandoned?
The Wizard says it's because Cora
believed she didn't have the ability to become royalty.
What? And sorry, but what? I'm sure
there's more to it than that...there must be.
While I'm trying to recover from that
lame excuse, Zalena watches as Regina is being taught magic by
Rumpelstiltskin. Zalena grows eager to meet this man who isn't afraid
of magic. The wizard gives her golden shoes that have to power to
transport her to different realms. For payment, she must return with
something of Rumpelstiltskin's.
He warns her again, “It is not wise
to become envious of things you cannot have.”
Um, yeah. That's what envy is all
about, right? I mean if you could have it, then you'd have it and you
wouldn't be envious anymore. Oh, never mind.
Zalena clicks her heals and ends up in
Regina's bedroom. She sees all the luxurious items and becomes
furious with...you guessed it, envy. Rumpelstiltskin arrives and is
surprised to see someone else in Regina's bedroom. He's upset at
first, then she proves she's Cora's first born by doing some fancy
magic. He's impressed and promises to teach her all that he knows.
Regina searches her secret vault under
the crypt and finds a letter. She tucks it in her pocket and ignores
Mary Margaret and Emma's questioning looks as she storms out.
Emma says, “What the hell was in that
letter?”
Gee, I don't know. Why don't you tackle
her and read it?
David locks down Main Street since
there's going to be a witch rumble. Emma decides that they have to
get back the dagger. Belle offers to try and reach Mr. Gold through
the power of LOVE.
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| wetpaint.com |
Regina reads the letter in the forest
and Robin Hood creeps out of the bushes. He pickpockets the letter
from her and after a few flirty exchanges she lets him reads it.
It's a letter to Cora from
Rumpelstiltskin about how her first born is a more powerful than her.
All this time Regina thought the letter was about her...but it's
about Zalena.
Rumpelstiltskin takes a young Zalena into the
woods for a test. She lets out a jealous rant about being abandoned
and Regina having everything and never having to work for it and blah,
blah...
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| onceuponatimeabcwikia.com |
Rumpelstiltskin's eyes twinkle
at her greedily. He tells her he's been working
on a very powerful curse but he needs a skilled witch to cast it.
After Zalena's past the anger test he asks
her to think of something happy.
She's stuck so she asks him about his
happy moment. I thought he was going to talk about Baelfire, instead
he says it's the memory of tasting meat pies from the spinsters who
took him in as a boy.
He says, “It was the only time I forgot I was
a boy who wasn't wanted by his papa.”
Zalena feels a kindred connection with
this glittery, speckled goblin. She tells him her happy moment is
when he agreed to train her.
Aw. *barfs in mouth*
Belle rushes to Mr. Gold's cage. He
tells her to run because as long as Zalena holds the dagger he is
helpless to resist her orders. Belle gets him to hold her
hand. Then Zalena comes out of the shadows cackling. Belle takes off
with Mr. Gold screaming a warning, “The next time anyone tries to
stop Zalena I'll be made to kill you all.”
And to all a goodnight!
Henry grows bored listening to Hook
talk about how to navigate by using the stars...as do I. Hook is
terrible at telling stories, he lets the name Baelfire slip out a few
times. And Henry figures out that Hook wasn't a boyhood chum of
Neal's.
Hook get misty eyed and tells Henry he knew Neal after he'd just lost his father. It was sailing and
navigating that brought him comfort. Henry is touched that his dad had the
same fate as him...or something like that. The soft music was playing
so I assumed it was a tender moment.
A young Zalena makes a meat pie dinner for
Rumpelstiltskin. She's upset to find out that he's still training
Regina. She tells him that she deserves the curse since she's the
better witch.
Your insides are starting to show, he
warns her. All of her envy begins to leak through, turning her skin
green.
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| tumblr.com |
Zalena arrives to a crowded Main street
with Mr. Gold. She announces that if Regina doesn't show up in five
minutes everyone will die.
Everyone will die. How many times have
we heard this threat? So far only one person has died. Liar!
Here's an obvious question: Why did
everyone show up unarmed for the witch rumble? And where is Ruby? A
werewolf would be helpful right about now.
Emma challenges Zalena. She has magic powers, plus she's the saviour—so there! Zalena pushes her
away easily.
*chuckles*
A young Zalena arrives at Regina's bedroom and
holds a knife to her throat. She's says she's more powerful and is
the one Rumpelstiltskin will pick to place the curse. Still, she
kills Regina just to improve her chances. But surprise! It's
Rumpelstiltskin pretending to be Regina.
He tells Zalena this is the end of her
witchy career. In order for the curse to work, she has to give up
what she wants most. And Rumpelstiltskin knows it's him. She pleads
with him but he still turns her down. Then she shows him the golden
shoes that can take him to see the Wizard. He changes his mind, but
it's too late for takesies backsies.
She clicks her golden heels and heads
back to Oz.
Meanwhile, back in Main Street, Zalena beats
up Regina. She says she doesn't want to kill her, only destroy her.
And that means taking her heart.
But guess what?
Regina has buried her heart. Cora
always told her, “Never take your heart to a witch fight.”
And wear clean underwear in case you're
in an accident.
Outraged, Zalena takes off on her
broomstick promising revenge.
And that was the big showdown. A few broken windows. No one died.
Mary Margaret gives us the ending
monologue, "Zalena has Charming's sword of courage, she wanted
Regina's heart..."
Hmm who's brain will she use? Oh, right, Mr.
Gold's.
Regina knows she's collecting
ingredients...but for what?
Skin brightening cream?
Okay, this whole plot is ridiculous.
The inciting incident is Cora giving Zalena away. Why? Because
Zalena couldn't give her what she wanted the most—for her daughter
to grow up worthy enough for a prince. How can you tell this from a
baby? Wouldn't it have made sense to just have Cora an unwed mother?
Plus, remember Cora was married to a
Prince when she gave birth to Regina. So the whole plot to get Regina
to marry Snow White's father was bogus ridiculous as well.
Just sayin'...
What do you think Zalena is going to do with courage, a heart, and a brain?
Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.
