Once Upon A Time Season 3, Episode 16 “It's Not Easy Being Green”

 

Or better title “Ridiculous Reasons for Rivalry”

examiner.com

Peasants on their way to the Emerald City find a baby after a terrible storm. But the little baby shows signs of having super powers, ie: she stops a tree from falling on them. The woman is so taken with the baby's cuteness she thinks nothing of her magical ability. However, the father is suspicious. He says, “She's not like us.”
 

Dude, she dropped out of a cyclone, unharmed.

entertainmentoutlook.com

Storybrooke buries Neal. Everyone takes a turn putting a shovel of dirt on top of the coffin. There's no dialogue for the first three minutes.

*cough* lazy writers *cough*

A young Zalena is shaving her father. She cuts him by mistake, but magics it all better speedy quick. Instead of being grateful for the free health care he admits he's always been afraid of her power and calls her wicked. Then he drops the bombshell that she was adopted.

She begins to cry and wishes her mother was still alive.

He tells her to dry her tears and put on a good face—this guy is all about appearances.

But Zalena's had enough. She storms out of their humble hut determined to find a family who loves her. The one and only person who can help her is—the Wizard of OZ.
 

Emma grieves for Neal by fanning the fire of revenge.

Yeah, because that works out so well for everyone in this show.

Hook convinces her to cool off and he offers to take Henry sailing so he can tell him about Neal. Remember Neal spent a lot of time on Hook's ship after he escaped from Peter Pan's freaky shadow thing.

Regina and Tinkerbell hang out at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat gossiping about Robin Hood. Regina knows he's her soul mate but she's reluctant to start anything with him.

Why? Doesn't matter. The writers know it creates tension.

Zalena arrives with flourish at Granny's in full witchy garb and gives a fabulous speech. She lets everyone, including Regina, know that they're actually sisters.

Regina calls her bluff since she's a murderous witch and all that. Zalena tells her it's time she learns the truth. They'll meet on Main Street at sundown for a big showdown.

Regina says she never loses. “Oh yeah,” Zalena says, “well neither do I.”

There better be some big fireworks at this showdown because nothing has really happened yet.

David, Emma, and Mary Margaret grill Regina about Zalena, but she's just as surprised as them.

A young Zalena arrives at the castle of the Great and Power Wizard of Oz. His silhouette appears behind a curtain. He knows that she's come to find her true family. He warns her that the past may be difficult to accept.

Parental discretion is advised.

Zalena sees images of Cora abandoning her in the basket before the big storm. Why is she being abandoned?

The Wizard says it's because Cora believed she didn't have the ability to become royalty.

What? And sorry, but what? I'm sure there's more to it than that...there must be.

While I'm trying to recover from that lame excuse, Zalena watches as Regina is being taught magic by Rumpelstiltskin. Zalena grows eager to meet this man who isn't afraid of magic. The wizard gives her golden shoes that have to power to transport her to different realms. For payment, she must return with something of Rumpelstiltskin's.

He warns her again, “It is not wise to become envious of things you cannot have.”

Um, yeah. That's what envy is all about, right? I mean if you could have it, then you'd have it and you wouldn't be envious anymore. Oh, never mind.

Zalena clicks her heals and ends up in Regina's bedroom. She sees all the luxurious items and becomes furious with...you guessed it, envy. Rumpelstiltskin arrives and is surprised to see someone else in Regina's bedroom. He's upset at first, then she proves she's Cora's first born by doing some fancy magic. He's impressed and promises to teach her all that he knows.

Regina searches her secret vault under the crypt and finds a letter. She tucks it in her pocket and ignores Mary Margaret and Emma's questioning looks as she storms out.

Emma says, “What the hell was in that letter?”

Gee, I don't know. Why don't you tackle her and read it?

David locks down Main Street since there's going to be a witch rumble. Emma decides that they have to get back the dagger. Belle offers to try and reach Mr. Gold through the power of LOVE.
 

wetpaint.com

Regina reads the letter in the forest and Robin Hood creeps out of the bushes. He pickpockets the letter from her and after a few flirty exchanges she lets him reads it.

It's a letter to Cora from Rumpelstiltskin about how her first born is a more powerful than her. All this time Regina thought the letter was about her...but it's about Zalena.

Rumpelstiltskin takes a young Zalena into the woods for a test. She lets out a jealous rant about being abandoned and Regina having everything and never having to work for it and blah, blah...
 

onceuponatimeabcwikia.com

Rumpelstiltskin's eyes twinkle at her greedily. He tells her he's been working on a very powerful curse but he needs a skilled witch to cast it.

After Zalena's past the anger test he asks her to think of something happy.

She's stuck so she asks him about his happy moment. I thought he was going to talk about Baelfire, instead he says it's the memory of tasting meat pies from the spinsters who took him in as a boy.

He says, “It was the only time I forgot I was a boy who wasn't wanted by his papa.”

Zalena feels a kindred connection with this glittery, speckled goblin. She tells him her happy moment is when he agreed to train her.

Aw. *barfs in mouth*

Belle rushes to Mr. Gold's cage. He tells her to run because as long as Zalena holds the dagger he is helpless to resist her orders. Belle gets him to hold her hand. Then Zalena comes out of the shadows cackling. Belle takes off with Mr. Gold screaming a warning, “The next time anyone tries to stop Zalena I'll be made to kill you all.”

And to all a goodnight!

Henry grows bored listening to Hook talk about how to navigate by using the stars...as do I. Hook is terrible at telling stories, he lets the name Baelfire slip out a few times. And Henry figures out that Hook wasn't a boyhood chum of Neal's.

Hook get misty eyed and tells Henry he knew Neal after he'd just lost his father. It was sailing and navigating that brought him comfort. Henry is touched that his dad had the same fate as him...or something like that. The soft music was playing so I assumed it was a tender moment.

A young Zalena makes a meat pie dinner for Rumpelstiltskin. She's upset to find out that he's still training Regina. She tells him that she deserves the curse since she's the better witch.

Your insides are starting to show, he warns her. All of her envy begins to leak through, turning her skin green.

tumblr.com

Zalena arrives to a crowded Main street with Mr. Gold. She announces that if Regina doesn't show up in five minutes everyone will die.

Everyone will die. How many times have we heard this threat? So far only one person has died. Liar!

Here's an obvious question: Why did everyone show up unarmed for the witch rumble? And where is Ruby? A werewolf would be helpful right about now.

Emma challenges Zalena. She has magic powers, plus she's the saviour—so there! Zalena pushes her away easily.

*chuckles*

A young Zalena arrives at Regina's bedroom and holds a knife to her throat. She's says she's more powerful and is the one Rumpelstiltskin will pick to place the curse. Still, she kills Regina just to improve her chances. But surprise! It's Rumpelstiltskin pretending to be Regina.

He tells Zalena this is the end of her witchy career. In order for the curse to work, she has to give up what she wants most. And Rumpelstiltskin knows it's him. She pleads with him but he still turns her down. Then she shows him the golden shoes that can take him to see the Wizard. He changes his mind, but it's too late for takesies backsies.

She clicks her golden heels and heads back to Oz.

Meanwhile, back in Main Street, Zalena beats up Regina. She says she doesn't want to kill her, only destroy her. And that means taking her heart.

But guess what?

Regina has buried her heart. Cora always told her, “Never take your heart to a witch fight.”

And wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.

Outraged, Zalena takes off on her broomstick promising revenge.

And that was the big showdown. A few broken windows. No one died.

Mary Margaret gives us the ending monologue, "Zalena has Charming's sword of courage, she wanted Regina's heart..."

Hmm who's brain will she use? Oh, right, Mr. Gold's.

Regina knows she's collecting ingredients...but for what?

Skin brightening cream?

 

Okay, this whole plot is ridiculous. The inciting incident is Cora giving Zalena away. Why? Because Zalena couldn't give her what she wanted the most—for her daughter to grow up worthy enough for a prince. How can you tell this from a baby? Wouldn't it have made sense to just have Cora an unwed mother?

Plus, remember Cora was married to a Prince when she gave birth to Regina. So the whole plot to get Regina to marry Snow White's father was bogus ridiculous as well.

Just sayin'...


What do you think Zalena is going to do with courage, a heart, and a brain?


Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.