Or how to waste two hours of your life by watching one hour and forty-five minutes of previously viewed footage.
Let me spare you the pain.
Here are the gems from the Chris Tells All segment.
When the host interviews Kelsey about her panic attack.
"I've never had one, but as a mental health professional I know what a panic attack is."
Um, I thought she was a guidance councillor.
When the host questions Chris about Ashley's departure from the Bad Lands date.
He laughed, "Clearly, I know less about woman than I think I do."
I'll admit, I fast forwarded through the rest of this. It ended with Andy, from The Bachelorette, is making a tearful appearance about how her relationship has ended with Josh.
Sorry, what? Who cares?
Anyway, let's get on with the stupid good times.
Episode 8 "Ghost Towns, Big Frowns, and lots of Cows"
Chris meets the remaining seven girls for the rose ceremony.
Megan uses her alone time with Chris to mention that she really isn't feeling a huge romantic connection with him. How does he feel?
The trophy for 'girl with the biggest balls' goes to Megan.
She doesn't wait for the rose ceremony to leave. In the back of the limo she cries a little and says, "Maybe if we had a little more time and circumstances were different we could have fallen in love."
You mean like how Andy fell in love with her guy? Oh, sorry. Never mind.
Chris announces to the remaining girls that he will not have a rose ceremony because he can't say good-bye to any of them. Then he announces he taking them all to his home state .... Iowa.
First solo date!
Jade gets chosen to go to Chris' hometown of Arlington.
Fun fact. Arlington's population is 416.
As Chris shows Jade around his ranch style home overlooking his farm her smile slowly drops. "Land is my passion," he tells her.
"Cool," she says.
After he shows her the cattle, he gives her a tour of main street where he points to boarded up buildings saying, "That's where the such-and-such used to be..."
"Where are the people?" she asks the camera. "There's no one around."
Apparently they're all at the high school, cheering on the football team. There, Jade gets to meet Chris' parents. Something she realizes she can rub in the other girls' faces when she gets back to civilization.
Jade tells him she was a bit of a rebel when she was in high school, but Jade has a secret that she's not quite ready to share with him yet.
Britt is having difficulty not being the number one girl this episode.
Whitney gets the second solo date!
They go to Des Moines and visit an art museum. There is a showcase of photographs about love and Chris thinks it would be a great idea for them to make some of their own photographs...you know kissing and stuff. Whitney squeals with delight. For dinner they go to a pub and Whitney is 'interviewed' by three of Chris' best friends.
Meanwhile, Ashely tells the girls about how small Arlington is. The girls want to see it for themselves.
Whoo-hoo! Road trip!
When the girls arrive, they try every door on every business and even the church, but everything is closed. Britt admits she can't vision herself living there.
Jade confides her super big secret to Carly and tells her she did some nude modeling for Playboy.
This would be a shock if ABC hadn't been showing us this footage for about two weeks.
Carly mentions she should probably tell Chris before his mom Googles her name.
Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn are chosen for the group date.
This is an important date because whoever gets the rose is guaranteed a hometown date next week.
Chris takes the girls skating. He falls all over the place. They play hockey.
Britt gets some alone time and tells Chris that she and the other girls drove to Arlington. Instead of the dead downtown core, she tells him she fell in love with the sunset.
Carly is so convinced Chris is going to get bamboozled by Britt's lying she has to warn Chris what Britt really said about Arlington.
Uh-oh. Carly just made the huge mistake of using her alone time to dump on another contestant.
Britt tells Chris her hometown date would consist of her family mainly eating in the living room eating off paper plates.
Then Chris asks her again about Arlington. She replies with, "No matter where I live, I want to be a mom."
Kaitlyn confesses she's a little nervous about Chris meeting her family, but she has a definite connection with him. She gets the date rose.
Britt is devastated her lying didn't work.
She confronts Chris and it ends awkwardly. Carly was pretty pleased with how things fell apart.
Still need more Bachelor? Check out my other recaps.
Episode 2 "Multiple Flings, Seeing Things, and Belly Rings"
Episode 3 "Kissing, Crying, and Costco"
Episode 4 "Princesses, Bimbos, and Psychos"
Episode 5 "Meditation, Manipulation, and Medication"
Episode 6 "Crying, Cat Fights, and Cray-Cray"