Tuesday, 3 February 2015

The Bachelor, Season 19, Episode 5 "Meditation, Manipulation and Medication"

Chris has brought the girls to Sante Fe, New Mexico!


Meghan says, "I've never been to Mexico I hear it's like a big beach resort. Definitely a culture shock with the all the big sombreros they wear."

Meghan. Blonde and dangerously unaware.

Chris says the dreaded phrase, "I'm really excited to take these girls to the next level."

All of the girls tell us they are definitely falling for Chris.

Of course you are, he's the only guy left on earth.

Carly gets picked for the solo date. The clue says, "Let's come together."

I hope that's not literal.

He takes her to big empty mansion. In the backyard they find a woman meditating. She's a guru that enhances intimacy in couples.

She's actually praying the show gets cancelled.

She covers them in incense smoke, they chant, then try yoga poses. But they don't call her the love guru for nothin'. She has Carly blindfold Chris and then she encourages her to 'explore' Chris's body.

Things get messy when she feeds him chocolate dipped fruit.

And then the guru asks them to disrobe as a way to reveal their true selves.

AWKWARD! Um...what was wrong with mini golf?  

Thankfully, the underwear stays on. Then they hold each other, but they're not allowed to kiss. They share the same breaths.

At this point I hit the fast forward.

Carly. Like...like...
They end up having a dinner of drinks by the fire place. Carly takes this time to let Chris know that her last boyfriend didn't like making out with her. She says 'like' a million times. Chris finishes a few drinks.

"I want a man to like find me physically, like, how he wants, like, to be like whatever his perfect image of what like beauty is."

Chris says, "You're cool and smart. That's why you've made it this far."

Time for the Group Date!

White water rafting on the Rio Grande!

Kelsey "guidance counsellor" tells the girls her husband collapsed and died of congestive heart failure.

Ashley says, "I don't understand her."

Meghan has concerns about alligators in the water.

Rightly so, as everyone knows Mexico is full of alligators.

Jade was the only one who fell out of the raft. However, after Chris massages her foot for awhile the other girls wish they'd thought of jumping in too. After all that fun it's time for dinner aka drinks.

Just when things were getting boring, guess who shows up?


Jordan! My favourite contestant who was sent home a few episodes ago. She's sober which is a good thing, since she's driven all the way from Colorado! She doesn't explain why she was drunk the whole time, but she told him something brought her back.

Yeah, the rental car.

Meanwhile, the other girls are waiting for their supper/booze fest to begin with Chris. And when he comes around the corner with Jordan on his arm, all jaws fall on the floor.

He invites her to join the group date for the evening.

Ashley uses her time alone with Chris to dump all over Jordan.

Hey, don't you know this contest is all about who Chris wants to make out with? If you want the rose you need to make out, not talk!

Then the girls start arguing with each other over. Ashely says to Whitney, "How can you be nice to Jordan? Don't you care about Chris?"

After Chris realizes all the girls are too upset about Jordan to make out with him, he takes her aside to address this issue like a man.

"I think the right decision as a man is to not let this go any further...I can't let this...you know?"

Jordan hugs him and cries to the camera.

Dear Jordan,

You're only twenty. It would be crazy to marry this dude and move to a farm.

After Chris sends Jordan home he asks the girls if anyone needs a hug.

He gives the rose to 'the girl who makes him feel special and is here for the right reasons.' Whitney, the fertility nurse!

Ashley says, "I look at her and I think, I don't need to worry about that."

Mackenzie says, "I think you just don't like her."

Whump! There it is.

After Chris surprises the girls with an early morning wake up call in person, he whisks Britt away from their solo date.

Good thing she sleeps in her make-up!

They're going hot air ballooning over the Rio Grande Gorge.

Psst...Britt is terrified of heights. TERRIFIED!

He says, "It's pretty cute to see how excited she is."

The scenery takes their breath away, and then they make out.

She says, "I feel like Chris is my boyfriend."

...who makes out with other girls.

He takes her back to his room where they bounce on the bed, make out and talk about having one hundred kids. He gives her the date rose, but the date isn't over. They snuggle under the covers.


When she gets back to the hotel room with the other girls she says, "It was great. We had room service and then we took a nap."

Hmm...I wonder what Kelsey thinks about this?

Kelsey pays Chris a visit and tells him she's a widow.

Then she tells the camera. "Isn't my story amazing! It's so tragic. I love my story!"

Holy crap! Is she making this up? If this chick is this crazy, I definitely want her sticking around.

It's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party! 

Oh, you can cut the tension with a knife.

Whitney tells the camera. "There's something off about Kelsey...I can't pin point it."

Chris arrives and fumbles through a speech...at least I think it was a speech...he leaves (like a man) takes a walk (like a man)...talks with the host.

He says, "This was harder than I thought it would be. I feel like the decisions I have to make are life changing decisions."

Dude. Don't you watch the show? No one stays together.

Kelsey sets everyone straight. "He respects us so much that he doesn't want to waste our time."

Chris decides to forego the cocktail party and instead skip right to the rose ceremony.

What? No cocktail party!!! Oh, the humanity.

Ashley says, "Her story is so much more traumatizing than...you know...me. And now I'm going home."

Kelsey gets up and leaves, worried that she's touched his heart so much. Seconds later, she's on the floor having a panic attack while passer-bys call 911.



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