Top 5 Movies Jennifer Lawrence Should Have Starred In

We all loved Jennifer Lawrence's refreshingly goofy self on Oscar night, but let's not forget that she's also the kick butt Katniss Everdeen who stood up to an evil empire and won.

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I shudder to think of what The Hunger Games movie would have been like with another actress as it's lead. And that got me thinking...what other past movies would JL have made better.

1. Twilight. Instead of Kristen's lip biting and frowning feast that lasted for two hours, JL's Bella would have been burping and snorting her whole way through the script, endearing us to Bella in a way the book never could. Plus Robert Pattison would have smiled more.

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2. Beastly. Maybe it's because I'll always see her as Gabriella from High School Musical, but Vanesa Hudgens was unconvincing as a drug dealer's daughter who gets saved by Alex Pettyfer (or as I like to refer to him, my movie boyfriend). JL would have stolen a few scenes with her snark and been more convincing as a girl with street cred.

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3. Life of Pi. Okay, I know I'm messing with the script, but who wouldn't want to watch JL take on a Tiger?

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4. The Amazing Spider Man. Don't get me wrong, Emma Stone is great, but JL would have totally ripped the scene where she figures out Spidey's true identity. Can you imagine the 'OMG' moment her eyes bug out of her head? Perfect.

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5. Star Wars. Seriously, JL's Princess Leia would NEVER kiss Luke to make Han jealous (especially since they find out later they're twins).

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What other movies do you think Jennifer Lawrence would make better?

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 18, "Selfless, Brave and True"

Or better title, “Pointless, Dumb, and Obtuse."

 

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August Wayne Booth wakes up beside a beautiful Asian woman to find he's grown a woody wooden leg. But what's more shocking than his international travel is the fact she doesn't see his wood (sorry) only a normal leg. 

David makes a depressed Mary Margaret breakfast in bed, but Emma says he needs to be tougher or she'll never get over her, 'I-killed-Cora-and-now-I'm-super-sad-about-my-blackened-heart' thing.

Mary Margaret gets up on her own and tells David she's going into the woods for some therapy—this makes perfect sense because only good things happen in the woods on this show.

She encourages David to start working in the fields with Tiny and the dwarfs.

Forgot about them, didn't you. They're growing bean stalks so they can return to fairy tale land.

Emma and Henry meet up with Neil to head over to Granny's pub/diner/laundromat for hot chocolate. Neil ruins the happy moment by confessing that:

1. When he went back to New York to get a few more things, he noticed Hook had escaped from the closet Emma had locked him inside.
2. His fiance will be arriving in Storybrooke later that day, but it's okay because she's bringing bagels.

Emma tells him he has to tell her the truth about his 'Baelfire' identity.

August goes to the local hospital in Hong Kong and is told be the Doctor that there is nothing wrong with his leg. August tries to escape and soon has the entire psychiatric staff chasing him. But he's helped by a mysterious man who tells him he knows someone who can help...someone called the Dragon.

Was that dumb luck?

No. Just dumb.

Mary Margaret deals with her grief by pretending to be Katniss Everdeen, and does a little target practice. She hits something in the distance and takes off, worried she may have killed an animal.

Shocking when you take a bow and arrow into the woods.

She finds a derelict trailer and is soon greeted by a sheepish and completely wooden Pinocchio. He can move and speak, but he's a dead ringer for those little people in the muscle relaxant commercial.

He tells her this existence is punishment for what he did to Emma in the past.

Does he mean:

                            1. Leaving Emma in the orphanage?

                            2. Or making Neil disappear so Emma would be sent to prison?

Mary Margaret tells him good things are happening, and that Neil is in Storybrooke. At the mention of Emma's former lover's name, Pinocchio gets all down in the grain and says he will never leave his trailer of purgatory.

“What about your Papa?” Mary Margaret asks him.

Pinocchio sadly shakes his wooden head and makes her promise not to tell anyone, especially Gepetto.

I guess he doesn't know about the black spot on her heart—there's no way she can honor a promise.

Neil, Emma and Henry chat it up with Neil's fiance over bagels. Once Emma and Henry leave, Neil drops the bomb to her about his 'Baelfire' thing. The finance thinks he's really hiding his feelings for Emma and she storms out.

August is led through the backstreets of Hong Kong—I love writing the backstreets of Hong Kong. He has to wait with other people needing help from the Dragon and we see that Neil's fiance is among them.

At Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, Regina introduces herself to Greg.

I wonder if she has any idea that he's a grown-up version of Owen?

He enjoys his apple pie without choking while she smiles and tells him to enjoy his stay in Storybrooke.

Mary Margaret rushes in and tells Gepetto about Pinocchio. He and Emma follow Mary Margaret speedy quick. Neil's finance watches them leave with shifty eyes.

Beware the shifty eyed fiance.

August meets with the mystic Dragon man, who calls him Pinocchio. He promises to help him only if he gives over an invaluable item close to his heart—something that cannot be replaced. August offers his necklace that was made from the string Ghepetto used when he was a puppet. The mystic also asks for a gatrillion dollars.

Emma, Gepetto, and Mary Margaret meet up with the Blue Fairy. She tells them Pinocchio is no longer selfless, brave and true, and therefore he has stayed wooden. She is powerless to help him. Only Pinocchio can set himself on the path of .... blah, blah, blah.

The rules don't matter since there are so many exceptions. Just know that she can't fix him. Remember that—the Blue Fairy said she CANNOT help him.

Back in Hong Kong, August leaves the mystic and winds up drinking beer with Neil's finance. She confesses that she's been diagnosed with cancer and has been travelling the world looking for a miracle cure.

She left a picture of her and her grandmother with the mystic. Her cell phone rings and she leaves the bar to carry on the conversation. August takes this opportunity to steal her purse.

There is a knock on Pinocchio's trailer, and he opens the door to see Neil's fiance looking smug.

Never trust the smug looking fiance.

August returns to the mystic with the cash. He tells him the wood is just a symptom and only he can cure himself. He hands August a potion. August quickly leaves and trips down the stairs. He's about to drink the potion, but he's cornered by Neils' finance. She takes the potion and leaves him crippled in the alley.

Back in his trailer, Pinocchio listens as Neil's finance gives him an ultimatum. She tells him she's not magical, but the potion from the mystic cured her cancer and half is left in her apartment back in New York. He can have it if he promises to leave Storybrooke forever.

He's suspicious of her motives, but she tells him it's none of his business and if he doesn't leave now, his only chance to cure himself will be gone.

Greg arrives in his hotel room and finds Regina waiting for him...with the KEY CHAIN! He demands to know where his father is, but she tells him his father left not long after he did all those years ago.

 

Mary Margaret takes Gepetto back to Pinocchio's trailer. Gepetto finally confesses that Emma didn't go through the magical wardrobe alone, but was sent with Pinocchio. Mary Margaret is upset at first since there was room for her to go with her daughter, but then she forgives him, knowing she would have done the same for her child.

Although, looking back. Mary Margaret should have gone instead of Pinocchio.

When they arrive at the trailer, Pinocchio is long gone and on his way to New York city.

Neil's fiance goes back to the mystic. They talk about magic and other worlds. He knows she's was lying about being sick and that's why she had to steel the potion from August. She confesses she's been looking for magic for a super long time, then she pulls out a taser and kills the mystic before he can turn into a real dragon.

Pinocchio finds the famous picture of Neil's fiance and her grandmother just lying on the front seat of her car.

Was that dumb luck?

No. That was pointless. He already knew she was shady.

He turns the car around and heads back to Storybrooke. He goes to the Sheriff's office, but of course it's empty since David is busy planting beans. Pinocchio calls Emma to warn her about Neil's fiance, but before he can get out her name she shows up. He gives her a long speech about not being selfish anymore and that he's willing to give up becoming a real man, to save Storybrooke from whatever diabolical plan she's cooked up.

She pulls out her lucky taser and gives him a long buzz. He convulses and collapses to the floor.

Um...he's made of wood. You can't shock wood.

Emma, Gepetto, Mary Margaret, Henry, David and Schmexy run back into town to see if Pinocchio's is okay.

I added Schmexy for fun.

Pinocchio stumbles out of the Sheriff's office and uses his dying breath to warn them. Gepetto holds his dead son, weeping over his wooden face. Then Henry reminds us all that he was being brave, truthful and something else. All they need is the Blue Fairy.

Oh, hey! There she is.

She confirms Henry is right and uses magic to turn him into a real boy. Yup, a BOY, not a hot dude who drives a motorcycle anymore.

So, she WAS able to fix him after all. The Blue Fairy is a big fat liar pants.

Emma asks little Pinocchio if he can remember what he was trying to warn them about, but he has no memory.

Neil's finance shows up and finally believes about the fairy tale stuff. She tells him Storybrooke is starting to grow on her. He says, “I'm so lucky to have you.”

In New York, August and Neil talk about how Emma has just made it back to Storybrooke. August promises to send Neil a postcard if she breaks the curse. He zips away on his motorcycle as Neil's soon to be fiance watches with shifty eyes. She bumps into Neil and so starts their courtship.

Emma has a little sit down with Henry and she apologizes for lying to him about his dad. He gives her a big hug and all is well.

Mary Margaret and David have a heart to blackened heart. She confesses that she went to Regina's house and when she ripped out her heart she saw where it had blackened because of what she'd done to Cora.

He hugs her and tells her she doesn't need redemption because she's the best, most awesome chick in the whole kingdom.

Greg answers his door and Neil's fiance is there. They start to make out as if they've been in cahoots this whole time.
 

Stuff I Liked About This Episode.

1. I got to write, 'the backstreets of Hong Kong'.
2. David only had a few lines.
3. We didn't have to watch Mr. Gold kiss anyone.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

1. The Blue Fairy just shows up.
2. August was in Hong Kong for no reason.
3. Mary Margaret only wore one outfit for the entire episode.

Random Acts Of Word Play

The other day I was passing time in the local coffee shop, just sipping my cappuccino and day dreaming about a particularly swoon worthy scene in my latest WIP—when I noticed the newspaper abandoned on the next table had black marks all through one column of text.

When I took a closer look, I realized there were certain words left unmarked, and when read in order, composed a sweet little verse.

Was this a message left by some anonymous admirer?! Had I inadvertently intercepted a coded love sonnet for someone else?!

Nope. It was newspaper blackout poetry.

What's that you ask?

It's simply taking a marker to any article and crossing off stuff until you're left with a cool little bit of word play. Check out this website where you can read samples and even download your own creations for others to enjoy.

I did this today while having my morning coffee in the living room.

I encourage you to give it a try, it's a great way to exercise your writing muscle. More importantly, leave the paper behind for someone else to enjoy. Finding something lovely in a completely unexpected setting makes the discovery all that more special.

Have you come across any newspaper poetry?  

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 17, “Welcome to Storybrooke”

Or better title, "Same Plot, Different Title"

A father and son are camping in the woods. They sit around the fire making key chains.

Arts and crafts? Aren't they supposed to be farting and roasting hot dogs?

A lot of time is spent conveying the special meaning behind the key chains. I'm sure it's nothing. I doubt we'll see those key chains again.

Suddenly, the wind picks up and a purple cloud engulfs the pair as they run for cover. When they come out of the tent the next morning, their truck is damaged and all the tress around them are uprooted by the force of the storm.

They walk into the nearest town, only with their backpacks, but confused since they drove through that same area yesterday and nothing was there.

They are soon greeted by the town's Sheriff.

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SCHMEXY!!!!!

Dear ABC,

Nice to see my weekly letter campaign paid off.

Regina wakes up and dances around her new home. She walks around town and smiles as all the amnesiac fairy tale characters greet her as the Mayor. I'm guessing this is the first official day of Storybrooke.

Regina enters Granny's pub/diner/laundromat and is ushered over to her usual stool of importance at the counter.

*Crosses fingers and prayers to the TV Gods* Please let there be more scenes with the Sheriff.

HOORAY!!

Schmexy walks in and gives the Mayor a knowing smile. She tells him, “That uniform looks good on you. It's so well fitted.”

He leans in close and asks her, “Do you want me to come over tonight?”

Yes, please! So far, this is my favorite episode of the year.

 

But the little boy and his dad are at the diner as well. Regina is put off by their presence and she asks Schmexy to fix the problem.
 

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We flash forward to present day.

Regina cries over Cora's coffin. She's soon joined by Mr. Gold. They talk about hearts, and love, and desperate measures. Regina vows to kill Mary Margaret. Mr. Gold councils her to give up on revenge—she can't have everything. If she wants Mary Margaret dead, losing Henry is the price she will pay.

But she's not buying it. She vows, “I will have EVERYTHING.”

We've heard this before. *yawn* More Schmexy, please.

Mary Margaret is lying in bed, depressed over her new 'killer' status. Emma tries to explain to Henry about Cora's death when she's interrupted by Mr. Gold. He shows up at the apartment warning them of Regina's plan. David tells Mr. Gold that he should help protect Mary Margaret since she saved his life.

Back in the past where Schmexy still exists, Regina is trying to hustle the camper and his kid out of Storybrooke faster than you can say, 'hocus pocus'. The kid, Owen, gives her the red and green key chain he made with his dad.

Why?

Because he's a kid and Granny's pancakes put him in a good mood.

Regina revels in her new town where everyone is clueless to their true identity, and are stuck performing the same activities over and over again.

*Cough* Groundhog Day *cough*

 

Soon though, the monotony starts to get boring. She pays Mr. Gold a visit and complains that the town isn't what she wanted when she cast the spell.

He gives her little assistance since he has his own agenda. Regina is desperate for interaction from people who are real. She finds the key chain in her pocket and calls the hotel where Owen and his dad are staying until their truck is fixed. She invites them over for dinner.

In the tomb, Regina frantically rips apart Cora's things and finds a small scroll. I'm guessing it's a spell to kill Mary Margaret without losing Henry...or a recipe for chicken parmesan. Not sure.

Mr. Gold and David break into the tomb and find the room in shambles. Mr. Gold does an inventory and realizes Regina has all the ingredients to make a love potion...sort of. The run back to Mary Margaret's apartment where Emma and Henry are waiting. He explains that Regina still needs the heart of the person she hates the most.

David folds his arms across his chest, and does his best scowl. Mr. Gold impatiently explains this is a blood feud, and the only way to end a blood feud is by spilling more blood.

Or by going on Family Feud.

Henry pipes up, “You guys used to be heroes. What happened to you?”

Seriously. Someone call the Sheriff...from the past.

Regina has Owen and his dad over for lasagna. The son is a bit cheeky and his dad apologizes for his behavior, explaining his wife died recently and they were camping to try and deal with their grief.

Regina gets misty eyed and says, “What good is a new life if you have no one to share it with.”

What does that matter when Schmexy is your bedroom slave?

Regina and Owen make apple turnovers in the kitchen. He tells her she'd be a good mom, and he complains about New Jersey. Regina has a great idea and invites them to move to Storybrooke since she enjoys talking to someone who doesn't believe in fairies or unicorns.

The dad gives her a funny look and slowly backs out of the house with Owen. Regina is crushed.

Emma takes Henry to Granny's pub/laundromat/diner where Neil is waiting for him. He proposes that Henry return to New York with him because all the dark magic swirling around is bound to get him killed.

Henry says, “Why don't they just get rid of the magic? Then no one would be able to hurt anyone.”

Henry, it's not that simple. There was no magic in Storybrooke. Then there was. Then there wasn't. Then there was, but only for special cases. Now it's back for good, but no one is trying to use it...oh, never mind.

While I'm getting a headache, Greg, (the guy who ran off the road after hitting Hook with his car) comes in for take-out and wants to go on a hike—since Storybrooke is growing on him and everything.

Why are we seeing Greg for ten seconds? Why is he still in the script? *cough* Owen *cough*

Doesn't this dude have a job to get back to?

And when can we return to the past to see Schmexy again?

Regina goes to the auto shop to convince the mechanic to work more slowly on the truck, thereby keeping Owen and his dad in Storybrooke even longer. But the dad has already paid the bill and picked up the truck.

She rushes back to her office and opens a little chest. She talks into a Schmexy's glowing heart like it's a CB radio, ordering Schmexy to pull over the dad for drunk driving, and to bring Owen back to her.

She turns around and the dad is looking at her weirdly...again.

 

Schmexy arrives and tries to arrest him for drunk driving while standing up sober. But the dad escapes and takes off in the truck, telling Owen to buckle up.

Emma and Neil search for Henry. David suggests they check out the mines. Some of the dynamite that the dwarfs never use (they always have pick axes) is missing.

For reasons that will never be explained, everyone rightly assumes Henry is going to blow something up.

Neil throws a worried look at Emma, “It's obvious,” he says, “Henry wants to get rid of the magic.”

Henry runs through the forest and ends up tackling Greg.

Hmm. There he is again. *cough* Owen *cough*

Greg calls Regina because its perfectly logical that he would have the Mayor's number on speed dial. He tells her Henry is all alone in the forest.

Owen and his dad try to escape Storybrooke, but Regina and Schmexy chase them down in the police cruiser.

Personally, I'd be in the backseat with him.

Schmexy cuts them off at the town limits. The dad pushes Owen out of the truck, screaming for him to run away. He gives him a leather key chain and tells him that as long as he has this, he'll always be with him, or something like that. Then he screams, “Run. Run. Run.”

The dad is thrown into the back of the cruiser. Regina catches up with Owen and tries to play nice, “I'm sorry. I just wanted us to be happy.”

Run, Owen, run!
 

 

 

Henry has a bundle of dynamite and is ready to through it down the well that also happens to be a porthole...sometimes. Regina finds him and they have a talk about fake love and revenge. “You'll see,” she promises, “we can be happy. We can have everything.”

But Henry shakes his head, “Not like this.”

Emma, Neil, and David show up and Regina gets ready with her fists of fire. Henry steps in the middle or their battle and says, “Magic makes good people do terrible things.”

That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard this season! Hasn't anyone heard of Harry Potter?

Henry pleads with Regina...again. She gives in...again, and burns Cora's spell. Satisfied he's saved the day...again, Henry thanks her, then runs to Emma's arms and walks away with the others, leaving Regina standing all by herself...again

This is just how episode 9, The Queen of Hearts ended.

When Owen takes the State Trooper back to to town limits, there is no Storybrooke sign. The Trooper tells him no town exists there. Owen holds the leather key chain aloft and vows to never stop looking for his dad. 

Mary Margaret decides to pay a visit to Regina and asks her to end it all, meaning for Regina to kill her. Regina performs the magical heart-ectomy and sees the dark spot inside Mary Margaret's heart. Instead of crushing it, she decides to let the hate grow in Mary Margaret's heart until is consumes her. She thrusts it back into her chest and prepares to wait for the royal family to crumble from inside.

From the picket fence, Greg videos it all on his phone. He runs to his car and fingers his old key chain. “I'll keep looking for you dad,” he says.

Hey, it's Owen! Shocking. Took him long enough to come back.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

1. Schmexy
2. Schmexy
3. Schmexy

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

1. Mary Margaret only had one outfit to show off.
2. Why pick axe wielding dwarfs who are in love with magical fairies have to use dynamite.
3. Owen's dad's hair.

The Carnelian Legacy

It is my pleasure to host a giveaway for Cheryl Koevoet and her debut Fantasy Romance, THE CARNELIAN LEGACY.

 

I met Cheryl through QueryTracker and I'm so happy to help her launch this amazing book. And YOU'RE going to get the chance to win a soft copy!

 

 

 

Marisa MacCallum always believed the man of her dreams was out there somewhere. The problem is—he’s in a parallel universe.

After the death of her father, eighteen-year-old Marisa’s life is on the verge of imploding. She seeks comfort on her daily ride in the woods of Gold Hill but when a mysterious lightning storm suddenly strikes, Marisa is hurled into the ancient alternate dimension of Carnelia.

There she meets the arrogant but attractive nobleman, Darian Fiore. With no hope of returning home on her own, Marisa must join Darian on a risky mission to negotiate peace with his cousin and archenemy, Savino da Roca. As she struggles to survive a world teeming with monsters, maniacs and medieval knights, Marisa sees a softer side of Darian and begins to fall in love. But when she discovers he is locked into an arranged marriage, her heart shatters.

After Savino falls for her charms and demands her hand in marriage in exchange for peace, Marisa is faced with an impossible choice: marry the enemy of the man she loves or betray them both and become the catalyst for a bloody war.

 

Q: Please tell me about your novel. Who or what was your inspiration behind it?
A: This story has actually been simmering in my head in a sort of crock-pot stew for more than twenty years now. In my home state of Oregon, there is a visitor's attraction called The Oregon Vortex that stakes its claims on the fact that the laws of physics no longer apply there and strange phenomenon occur. When I was a kid, we often passed it on our way to California and I imagined that it was really a mysterious portal to another world.

Q: Is there a message in your novel that you want readers to grasp?
A: Yes. Everyone born on this earth has a purpose. We all have an important role to play and each person is precious in the eyes of God. No matter how gray the skies become, remember that the sun will shine again.

Q: What was the hardest scene to write (no spoilers!)?

A: Definitely the opening chapter. While it might seem to be the weakest chapter of the entire book, it sets the tone for the rest of the book.

Q: Which character do you relate to the most? Why?

A: I can relate to all three of the main characters, Marisa, Darian and Arrie. Each of them has a part of me in them, but if I could only pick one, it would have to be Darian. He's so concerned with never letting anyone down that sometimes he forgets to live a little.

Q: Outside of family, what was the greatest support while you wrote this novel?

A: It would have to be my good friend Christy. She fell in love with the story and the characters, and encouraged me in spite of the rejections from literary agents. I call her my sister because we are not bound by blood but by love.

Q: Do you have any advice for other writers?

A: I know it sounds cliché, but if you really love your writing, never give up. Re-write, edit, push it to the limit to make it better. Don't be easily dissuaded by rejection or become discouraged when it seems like others are always getting the breaks you should be getting. If you love what you write and are passionate about it, find a way to make it happen.

 

Q: You've signed with WestBow Press. How did this came about and have you liked working with them?

A: I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. After searching for almost a year for a literary agent (without success) I began to question the entire process of going the "traditional" route. Just because I couldn't find someone to fall in love with my story didn't mean that it wasn't worth publishing. When I decided to go with WestBow, I was a little apprehensive at first, but the folks there have been kind and gracious the entire way. I have enjoyed learning the process of steps that turn a manuscript into a physical book and looking back now, I wouldn't have done it any other way.

 

 

FAST FIVE

Q: What did you have for supper last night?A: Our family followed a modern Dutch custom of grilling meat in a special pan at the table. One of my favorites!

Q: Is there an actor who you think looks like your MC?
A: No. I have tried to figure out who could play Darian Fiore in a movie, but I just can't. I can see him in my head, but I can't visualize the right actor.

Q: Vanilla or chocolate?
A: Uh, chocolate. This is Europe!

Q: As a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: First choice: Teacher; Second choice: Actrice; Third choice: Stewardess

Q: Last book you read?
A: Re-read Timeline by Michael Crichton

 

If that's not enough to tempt you check out the gothic awesomeness of the trailer.

 

 

 

You must check out THE CARNELIAN LEGACY website complete with very cool character cards.

 

You can find Cheryl online, too!

 

Twitter

 

Facebook

 

Goodreads

 

www.CherylKoevoet.com

www.OregonGirlAbroad.blogspot.com

 

Now it's FINALLY your chance to win a soft cover of THE CARNELIAN LEGACY. Cheryl will mail you your very own copy straight to your front door! I'll be announcing the winner on Thursday March 21st. Good Luck!

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The Bachelor, Season 17, "The Finale...Finally!"

Who will Sean choose?!

 

 

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The Host comes on and tells me that this is a historic three hour finale.

Three hours?!

 Kill. Me. Now.

Sean's family flies to Thailand so they can meet the two final contestants, ladies.

Sean's mom tells him not to worry because this may end in a proposal so he must know in his heart which girl he truly wants.

Sean grins and says, “To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. They're both great.”

Catherine is up first and she is a cute little ball of nerves. Sean's family are really tough on her. His dad says, “We love you, girl.”

During lunch, Sean's sister, Shea makes a toast to both of them as if it's the rehearsal dinner.

Sean's mom takes her aside and I bet this is when we'll see some harsh reality. Catherine talks on and on, while mom, nods and says, “Right.”

Catherine then says, “All I can think about is my future with him. He makes me feel good and true about myself.”

“A-huh.” Then Sean's mom tells her that she'd be proud to have her part of the family.

Sean's dad is too busy smiling to listen to her answers.

Catherine confides, “I'm giving myself completely to him and he's giving himself to me.”

This makes Sean's dad cries happy tears. “If Sean marries you," he says. "I will be your biggest fan.”

If Sean doesn't choose Catherine, I think his dad could step in.

Up next is Ms. Giggles. Lindsay decides to wear her dark lace mini dress. Although she brought presents, so that's something.

She giggles and leans into Sean and says, 'cool' a lot.

Sean's dad takes Lindsay aside for the really tough interview. He asks her, “How do you know you're truly in love with someone before you get married?”

Lindsay flicks her hair, and says, “I just like want to hang out with him forever. He totally gets me.” Then she adds, “Marriage is all about compromise and prayer.”

Sean's dad starts to cry happy tears again, and he tells Lindsay he couldn't be happier if Sean chose her. This in turn makes Lindsay cry happy tears.

I'm crying too, but it's for all the time I've lost on this show.

My only hope is that Mom will be tougher. Lindsay says, “It was crazy! Our first date felt like our fifth date.”

A line forms between Mom's eyebrows as she asks, “Can you get him to open up to you about serious subjects?”

Or do anything that doesn't involve giggling and rubbing each other?

Lindsay lets her know they've tackled the tough stuff.

That's funny. I remember a lot of drinking and making out, I guess the serious talks didn't make the editorial cut.

Sean tells us, “My family got to see how much she loves me.”

Like a puppy.

He confesses to the camera, “I bet I could have a long happy marriage with both Lindsay and Catherine."

Dude, I think you mean, 'either' instead of 'both'.

 

Sean asks his family to help him decide. Mom steps up to bat and tells him that it has to be the most exciting thing for him. If his heart isn't totally sure, then he shouldn't be proposing.

He kind of shrugs and asks for her support. His complacency brings her to tears. She tells him. “If you can't decide which girl, then you can't propose.”

Sean's mom seems so sensible. How did he end up on this kind of show...twice?

He's so clueless. Also, he doesn't know which girl to marry.

We get to see Sean and Lindsay on their last date on the river. She says, “I love you. I really do...so much.”

He says, “I know you do.” And then they make out.

He's so charming. NOT.

ZOMG! The date continues and the silly talk and puppy dog eyes are enough to put me in a coma. Lindsay tells him, “We have all the stuff that's important in a marriage.”

Lindsay is a teacher, remember? I bet she teaches 'stuff'.

She tells him that she's super nervous and doesn't know what she'd do if she lost him. She asks him what he's thinking.

Sean gives her the reassuring comment, “You look pretty tonight.”

She confides to the camera, “When he kisses me, it's so reassuring. That's why we're always kissing because that's how he tells me how he feels.”

Or...

Sean walks through the lush green landscape in his purple t-shirt and greets Catherine. He let's us in on the secret that he's looking for a sign.

They ride an elephant down a hillside.

I'm not sure if he's noticed, but Catherine is also wearing a purple shirt. That could be a sign.

They have drinks and he brings up what it will be like for them to be old and remembering this trip. Catherine lets us know that she isn't the kind of girl who can say, 'I love you' easily.

There's another thing you have in common with Sean.

The date carries on to Catherine's hotel room where, surprise, they start drinking.

Also, she's wearing a black lace shirt and he's wearing a black t-shirt. There's another sign.

Sean gushes about how awesome the elephant date was. Catherine monologues about being comfortable and how she's usually more guarded. Then there is talk about family, and how she knows being with him will make her life better.

Aw.

Sean gives her his usual ambiguous answer, but it seemed more genuine than when he was with Lindsay.

Finally at the end of the evening, Catherine tells Sean she loves him. He takes a deep breath, presses his forehead to hers and he says, “Thank you for today.”

She tells us, “This is painful.”

Amen, sister. I'm the one blogging, at least you get a trip.

Catherine is exasperated. “I can't get anything out of him! I'm putting everything on the line and he's giving me nothing.”

Said every contestant on this show...ever.

There are several shots of Sean wandering around with only a towel on. He tells us he's made up his mind. “There's one woman I know I can't live without.”

Cue the ring guy.

 

Sean gets on his tux and waits for his bride.

Lindsay is crying from joy because the day she's wanted forever has finally arrived.

Catherine is nervous and knows she loves Sean, but she doesn't feel the same from him.

ABC drags this one out for two more commercial breaks folks.
 

Sean waits by the water with ONE rose. Only one, you got that people?

The black car pulls up and the Host lets out Lindsay. She has a voice over, “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I get engaged.”

Sean starts by telling her that she's been such a surprise and he's amazed at her strength, her courage, her generosity...then he swallows and says, “This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do.”

Her face finally figures it out. She lets go of his hand. He keeps talking and she starts to blink back the tears while her eyes dart around, looking for a weapon. Then he puts salt in the wound by telling her that he does love her.

She makes him stop, then asks the worst question ever, “Is it me?”

Nothing gets resolved. She is amazingly composed for someone so giggly. “I'm happy you found love,” she says. “I don't know how to go on without you in my life, but I'll have to figure that out for myself.”

Sniffing away his tears, Sean makes his way back to the wharf. Meanwhile, Lindsay breaks down in the car. “I just want to grow old with somebody and have a family.”

The Host joins Sean and gives him an envelope from Catherine. ABC has led us to believe that this is a good-bye letter, but it's all lovely and happy. Not at all like the chick she was last night. It was signed 'you have my heart.'

I guess we know whose the romantic one in the family.

Catherine arrives gorgeous and glowing in a gold dress. Sean takes her hand and begins 'the speech'. He finally comes up with a great line, “I miss you every time we say good-bye. I don't want to say good-bye anymore.” Then he gets down on one knee and the orchestra starts to play.

He asks and she says yes. And they ride off into the sunset on an elephant.

What the heck is the rest of the show about? There's still ANOTHER HOUR!

The rest of the show is about showing off Catherine and Sean in front of a live studio audience. And ZOMG! It looks like she's wearing the same dress Lindsay wore when she met Sean's family.

The Host asks them to talk about stuff, and frankly I'm not sure how the past contestants ladies, can stand it. Sorry, folks this is good night, my work is done.

 

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 16, "The Miller's Daughter"

Or Better Title, "It's Miller Time."

The village miller is a layabout who relies heavily on his teenage daughter to run the family business. She's supposed to look poor, but there's about three hundred dollars worth of filler in those lips.

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Anyway, the poor but glamorous miller's daughter delivers flour to the castle where she is tripped by a snotty royal. They all laugh as the King makes her bow and apologize. She tells the King her name is Cora.

Faster than magic, Emma, Baefire, Henry and Mr. Gold have stolen Hook's ship and are sailing from New York back to Storybrooke.

The ridiculousness of this makes me want to drink. "Hey, it's Miller time!" 

Because they've used a phone tap, the Mayor and Cora listen in as David relays the above mentioned gang to Mary Margaret.
 

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As Rumpelstiltskin's name slowly fades from the dagger, Cora realizes that he's dying and if he dies all the power of the Dark One vanishes. She comes up with a plan to stab Mr. Gold so she can be the next Dark One.

The Mayor gets the shivers and brings up the fact Henry may not want to have the Dark One as a grandmother. Finally she asks Cora, “What was is all the point of this?”

I ask myself that every episode. *takes a sip of beer*

Cora vows to never bow down to anyone again.

There is a masked ball at the castle, and young Cora sneaks in. She quickly finds the Prince and charms him with her puffy lips. Before he can fall in love, the King takes her aside and calls her out as the Miller's daughter. He picks a piece of straw from her gown to prove his point.

Everyone knows that straw makes flour. *takes another sip*

She quickly tells him she can spin straw to gold....and well, you know the rest. If she can produce gold after one night while locked in the high tower, the King promises her the Prince's hand in marriage.

David and Mary Margaret meet Mr. Gold and the gang on the docks. She takes the opportunity to let everyone know she plans on killing Cora. David reminds her that she can't commit murder since she has the purest heart.
 

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Cora stands in a room full of straw trying to come up with a plan. A giggle from the corner announces Rumpelstiltskin. She argues with the little flecked dude until he spins her some gold. He tempts her with a contract to hand over her first born child. But Cora senses an opportunity and she asks him to teach her his dark magic instead.

Mr. Gold is back at his shop instructing everyone on how to keep the shop magically protected. Mary Margaret finds the 'death candle' that can save someones life if another dies. He tells her it's for a rainy day. He proposes that she use the candle to save him and kill Cora.

But it's not that easy, she has to say it over Cora's heart (which isn't in her chest but hidden somewhere) and then the heart has to be thrust back into her cavity, so she can slowly die.

Okay. Got that? Me neither. *takes a sip*

Mary Margaret rebuts back that she could take Cora's heart and thereby control her to do good things while she lets Mr. Gold die. He chuckles and says she'd never let Henry's grandfather die.

Why not? David is his other grandfather. *takes a sip*

Gold convinces Emma she has the ability to cast a spell and protect the shop. And yup, just like that she does it.

Back in the tower, Rumpelstiltskin shows young Cora how to spill straw into gold by harnessing all her hatred for the royal family and how they made her bow down. The next morning, the King is amazed by Cora's ability. The Prince proposes and she accepts while Rumpelstiltskin watches from the crowd.
 

Inside Mr. Gold's shop things start to get rocky when Cora and the Mayor stand outside doing their best flame throwing. They burst through the front door, like the evil tag team champs they are. Mary Margaret takes this opportunity to sneak out the back.

A battle of tossing people through the air and purple smoke ensue for a few minutes. David is tossed out of the shop. Emma and Baefire manage to battle them off and put up a barrier. Cora starts to feel weak. She tells the Mayor to get to her vault of hearts speedy quick.

Young Cora is dressed in her wedding finery. Rumpelstiltskin arrives and they kiss (ew) and make a deal. She wants to learn all the dark magic and promises to run away with him and give him his own son.

Mary Margaret finds Cora's heart among dozens of other chests. How does she know it's hers?

Not important. *takes a sip*

She lights the death candle over the heart and...and...whispers, "Cora".

Princess Cora meets with the King who is busy counting all his new gold.

The King was in the parlor counting all his money.

She tells him she doesn't love his son. He says, “Love is weakness. You have a choice. Run off with the dark imp, or stay with my son and wear a crown on your head with the kingdom at your feet.”

Things that make you go, 'hmm?'

Emma and Baefire can see that Mr. Gold is dying. He begs Emma for her cell phone and calls Belle (still in the mental ward) to let her know he's dying. He gushes for awhile about how awesome she is and how she made him a changed man.

The love is all around the room as Mr. Gold apologizes to Baefire and Emma holds back the tears. Finally the dudes hug.

The Mayor catches Mary Margaret with Cora's heart. Mary Margaret offers it to the Mayor saying Cora will love her properly if she has her heart back. “The choice is yours," she tells the Mayor. "You'll have a mother that can love you with her whole heart, or you can have Cora become the Dark One.”

Rumpelstiltskin meets Princess Cora in the moonlight. He senses things have changed. She tells him she didn't rip out the Kings heart and has decided to marry the Prince instead of running away with him.

Instead, she took out her own heart and now carries it around in a box, 'cause that's the way she rolls now.

Rumpelstiltskin is aghast (I love that word).

David finds Mary Margaret outside the tomb with her head in her hands mumbling about how horrible she has become.

Cora finally breaks through the barrier and rushes to the back of Mr. Gold's shop. She whisks Emma and Baefire to the woods and sits with him for a chat about love and ripping out hearts. She looks at him longingly and says, “You're the only man I've only ever truly loved.”

She raises the dagger to stab him, but then crumples to the floor. There is a gasp, then she starts to smile. Laughing, she looks at the Mayor who is blushing in the corner from the surprise heart transplant attack.

Princess Cora presents her baby daughter, Regina to the court and watches with satisfaction as the court bows down. Kind of reminds of The Lion King...
 

Cora collapses into the Mayor's arms and dies. Mary Margaret rushes in with a warning but it's too late. Mr. Gold stands up fully healed, the dagger now emblazoned with his name again. The Mayor does the math and realizes Mary Margaret tricked her.

Cue the revenge music.

Oh, the humanity. *finishes beer*