Tuesday, 11 June 2013

The Bachelorette, Season 9, Episode 3, "Cheaters, Criers, and Liars"


Last week it was a rap video. What on earth does ABC have planned for this group date?

Des meets the guys in front of a garage. She watches her fellas come out of the limo and smiles. She says, “The men are just amazing.”

I'm sad to see that Brandon, the flesh colored underwear guy from last episode, has chosen to wear an orange sweatband around his head.

Vote for Pedro!

Sorry, wrong show.

Des reveals their group date is with a group of angry looking guys who are the national dodgeball team...but I suspect it may be the group of guys who didn't make it past the audition for the show.

Let's be clear, this isn't dodgeball from high school, this is dodgeball that can snap the head off your neck. The pretty boys get nervous because an emergency rhinoplasty could be in their immediate future.

Des says she can't wait to see the guys in their natural environment.

Then why aren't they all sitting on a couch playing Nintendo?

When the national team get tired of pummeling the guys, the host shows up and tells them they're splitting into two teams and the winner gets to continue their date with Des.

As if last week's rap video wasn't worse enough, the guys are dressed in blue and red shorty shorts, tank tops, knee high socks, and God help me, matching sweat bands.
This shouldn't be called The Bachelorette, it should be called, How To Make White Guys Do Stupid Things On TV.

Mikey T, the plumber says, “It was extremely intense.”

Drew, the marketing consultant on the blue team tells us, “This was so intense.”

Dear ABC,

Maybe the next date can be a trip to the library.

Things get 'intense' when Brooks drops to the ground, clutching his hand. He's taken to the hospital for an x-ray. Des applies lip gloss and the game continues.

The blue team wins. Zack, a book publisher wins the game...WAIT!!! Book publisher! How did I miss that?

Zack is my new favorite.

Des calls everyone in for a group hug and announces they're all invited to the dinner party.


Remember in "Montana is Tierrable" how pissed Des was when Sean invited the losers to the party after she helped her team win the stupid challenge by chugging goat's milk?

Brooks will be so happy that not only has he broken his finger for nothing, but that he's also missing a dinner party.

Des says, “I'm so worried about Brooks. Today was supposed to be a fun day of dodgeball.

New flash, sister! No one has ever used 'fun' and 'dodgeball' in the same sentence.

During the dinner, mainly of booze, Brad, an accountant lets Des know he used to be a woman. Just kidding, he told her her has a three year old son. Des melts and coos as he talks about being a single dad and that he's here to find love.

Chris, the mortgage broker is worried because he hasn't had anytime with Des. He takes her to the rooftop helicopter pad and she's super stoked.

I can't help but notice how Chris kind of reminds me of Henry Cavill.

Chris, wetpaint.com                                                                                                                                   Henry Cavill. tvgoups.yahoo.com


Des tells him she saw him smiling at her all day, and says, “It's the small things that make a difference.”

I'm guessing Chris doesn't want to be remembered as the guy with small things.

Brooks shows up in his 1970's workout gear and wrapped up finger. I think he still might have some pain killer in his system. They make-out under a blanket.

Des gives the rose to Chris.

Yay! Man of Steel My Heart!!!

She takes Chris for a private concert in the garden. They begin to dance, but the kissing is awkward.

I fast forward through the next song as well.

Brandon watches from his perch from above and pouts. Um...just like he did last episode.

Dear Brandon,

Enough with the creepy.


Aunt Bethany

Des gets ready for her date with Kasey and says, “I really hope one of my potential husbands are in this group because all these guys are amazing.”

This episode is neither amazing or intense.

The host calls and lets Des know of some delicious gossip about one of the guys.

Who is it? Which of the fellas has a girlfriend?

Des jumps in her convertible and heads over to the mansion. She looks around the room and asks Brian to talk with her for a moment.

Hold on! Brian was the only normal guy from last week's episode!

While they talk about past relationships, the host walks in with another woman and you can almost hear the producers lick their chops.

The guys rush to the window to watch Brian's 'girlfriend' have a breakdown.

Yikes, things get stupid really fast. I cringe while they spill their pathetic relationship history. Des tells Brian to leave.

I bet Larry, the dancing doctor looks pretty good now huh, Des?

I fast forward through the packing scene and the girlfriend's limo departure.

Kasey goes on the solo date with Des and has an opportunity to help her forget all about what's-his-name.

Brandon is particularly bothered that Brian's girlfriend was a single mom. He gets shirtless in the kitchen and weeps saying, “I don't want to fall in love and have someone leave me.”

*whistles and looks everywhere but at the TV*

What does Des have planned for her date with Kasey? Mini golf? Maybe lunch by the beach? A movie?


Dancing on the side of a building.

*Rolls eyes*

They get tethered to ropes and scale a building. Amazingly, it wasn't the best idea. They cut it short and have a candle light picnic by the pool, but then the wind picks up. They forgo the drinks and put on their bathing suits and jump into the pool. It's freezing.

Poor Des. What a terrible day!

But Kasey is still pretty slick and he manages to get in some kissing. Des gives him the date rose.

It's time for the next group date!


Instead of a limo, a stage coach is waiting for them.

Oh dear God...

*prayers for guys*

Des is dressed like Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke. It's soon apparent the guys are doing stunts—Hollywood style.

Dear ABC,

Heard of Mini golf? Apple picking? Go-cart racing? Hot Yoga?

Anyway, all the guys get dressed up like cowboys ready to be Des's hero. They learn how to lasso, quick draw their pistols, and play fight. Now the guys have to do all that stuff on a horse to win some alone time with Des.

Juan did the whole scene speaking Spanish and he was freakin' hilarious. He wins the date with Des and they walk off into the sunset...or rather the barn where they watch The Lone Ranger.

Juan says, “I try my best.”

Dear ABC,

Finally, a movie. See, was that so hard?

They make out and the kissing is NOT awkward.

Ten points for Juan.

Des says, “Watching a movie with Juan is so fun!”

I bet.

They all relax around the camp fire enjoying a liquid supper. Then Des spends solo time with each of the guys. Every guy is in love with Des, and she's in love with every guy loving her. The cuteness is almost unbearable.

James is worried about his dad who is sick back home. He comes out and asks Des if she can see the two of them together in the future. She wants to reassure him and so she gives him the rose.

Well played, James.

Instead of a cocktail party, there's a pool party.

*Cue the chest shots*

Ben leaves the mansion and meets Des as she pulls up in her powder blue convertible. He talks her into going on a private drive and woos her some more. When they return, a few of the guys watch them kiss in the driveway.

Mikey T is so mad at Ben!

The dude with diabetes holds up a hand and says, “You cannot scramble that egg.”

Tough talk. My ears are burning.

Brandon gets Des alone and lets her know how much Brian leaving a single Mom bothered him. He tells her, “I'm never going to take you for granted. I'm falling in love with you and we've barely even talked.”

Des smiles and pats his arm awkwardly.

I predict an emotional good-bye interview coming up for Brandon.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

Fast forward.

Going home are Brandon, and some dude that may have gone on the ranch date, but I'm not sure.

Brandon tells her she's making a huge mistake. She runs after him and tells him she doesn't feel any chemistry and didn't want to keep him around knowing that he wasn't the one.

Brandon says, “I can't even cry, I'm out of tears.”

Dear Brandon,

You're a very cute guy. It sucks you had such a hard time growing up. Instead of signing up for reality shows, concentrate on your business, spend time with friends, take up yoga, take cooking classes, go get healthy and the right girl will find you.


Aunt Bethany

Who thinks Chris looks like Henry Cavill?

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