The fellas enjoy roaming through their mansion, and then the host shows up and ruins their fun. The envelope is opened and Brooks is chosen to go on the first solo date with Des.
I call her Des now because it saves time.
Des picks up Brooks in her aquamarine convertible.
The car gets more whistles than Des.
Brooks compliments her right away.
Des takes Brooks to a place where every guy wants to go...a bridal boutique. She tries on dresses while tries on suits.
They make a stop at a cupcake truck (still in their wedding attire), then they drive up to see the HOLLYWOOD sign where they have a glorious view of the smog.
Since this is The Bachelorette, an impromptu picnic composed of pillows and bottles of wine suddenly appear. They bond by sharing stories of their past breakups. Then they make out!
He says, “This could be the first kiss with the person I spend the rest of my life with.”
Dude, this is TV.
And if he doesn't believe me, Des takes him to a private dinner on an abandoned bridge, complete with chandelier and candles. Des tells Brooks her parents are soul mates. The brother doesn't come up, though.
Brooks gets tongued tied when he talks about his parents' divorce. Then he lays out all of his family
dirt history for her...and us.
Dude, this is TV!
He gets weepy and talks about how his future kids will always have his attention. Des reaches for the rose before he can say, “Love you to the moon and back.”
Sadly, this isn't the end of their date. They enjoy a private concert and do some awkward white people dancing. Only surpassed by their off-key singing.
He tells us, “Desiree is a girl I could really fall in love with. She knows what she wants and she's sexy.”
She's sexy until she doesn't want you anymore.
The next day, fourteen of the fellas go on a group date. Des tells them they'll be starring in their own rap video. The guys clap like a bunch of seals.
They're all wearing t-shirts and jeans. I can't tell anyone apart. They get into costumes that make no sense. Brandon is only in a shirt and flesh colored underwear.
They each take turns rapping in front of a screen. Ben, the hot dad, is a cowboy.
Brandon's turn is next—he has to sing to Des while she reclines on a sheepskin blanket.
I go blind watching this scene.
Note, please do NOT look this video up on YouTube. My blindness will be in vain.
The OREO commercial that followed held my interest more.
After the group date, it's time for another cocktail party. The guys are all in button down collared shirts and blazers. I can't tell anyone apart.
The shirtless dude from last episode, Zack W, gives her the gift of an antique diary.
Glad to see you're taking your medication.
Ben, the hot dad, comes on strong and the other guys are circling the wagons, sensing he's pulling into the lead.
Didn't Brooks brag about his French kissing on the bridge?
Ben mentions how his cowboy hat got in the way earlier, and he leans in for a kiss.
Brandon watches from his perch above with a big pout, wondering why he did all that embarrassing rap video stuff.
Mikey T is a plumber and has muscles that would get him kicked out of the Olympics. He calls Ben out for the phony that he is!
But that Ben is so smooth, he has Mikey T laughing in five minutes.
Brandon finally gets some time alone with Des. He tells her his dad left when he was young, and his mom was a drug addict that would leave for days at a time, leaving him the only one to take care of his younger siblings.
My nerves, Charles Dickens would cry.
In the end, it doesn't matter though, because Des gives the rose to Ben.
Bryden, the cro magnon dude, gets picked for the next solo date. They take a road trip. And the first stop is to get snacks.
Next they hang out at the beach, and then have tacos and beer.
So far, this date kicks Brooks' by far.
A picnic in an orange orchard is followed by dinner at a fancy shmancy resort for dinner.
Hmm...if Des isn't feeling the happy butterflies after this date...no rose for Bryden.
He opens up and tell her about a horrific crash he survived when he was nineteen. He told her the reason he joined the army a year later was a testament to how much her overcame. He is one tough guy.
In the first episode, he told us he joined the army right after his long time girlfriend broke up with him.
Des gives him a rose.
*Cue the hot tub scene*
“This is awesome,” he tells her. “We had such a fun time today. It was awesome to have so much fun with you.” He repeats this about five times, until she says, “Just kiss me already.”
And the tough guy does exactly as he's told.
And the tough guy does exactly as he's told.
It's time for the pre rose ceremony cocktail party.
One fella takes Des aside and gives a dramatic build up and says he has Type I diabetes.
Before Des can coo and give him a rose, Ben swoops in and takes her away.
Mikey T is so mad he flexes his muscles and rips a shirt sleeve!
Ben jokes with her and says none of the other guys know she's a great a kisser. Des laughs and so do we because Ben has no clue.
The fellas are super peeved and leave Ben sitting on the couch all be himself.
There, take that, hot dad!
The diabetic takes Ben aside and he gets so worked up I'm worried about his blood sugar. Mikey T says, “Hey, give the kid a chance to talk to her.”
The fellas deduce that Ben is using the show to improve his business portfolio.
Brian, a financial advisor, takes Des aside and they talk about their families and expectations for the future. Then he gets up so she can talk with some of the other men.
He seems normal. Why is he on the show?
It's time for the rose ceremony.
*Hits FF button*
The last rose goes to...Brandon.
Going home are Will, Robert, and some guy I don't even remember from the first episode.
Robert says, “This is just a nightmare.”
No, Robert, watching that rap video was a nightmare.
All right. Who thinks Ben will make it to the final two? *raises hand*