Happily Ever After; Dating Service For Fictional Characters, Session One

 

Welcome to Happily Ever After!  

It doesn't matter if you're a hero or a zero on the pages, our on-line dating service will help you find your soul mate.

We'll have you picking out matching bookmarks before you can say, 'library late fees'.

The chat room is about to get started! Let's see who's looking for love today.

Moderator: Hello, everyone. I see we have a new person in the chat room tonight. Go ahead, don't by shy. Tell us a little about yourself.

Elizabeth Bennet: I am pleased to make everyone's acquaintance this evening. I'm not the kind of girl who usually puts herself out there, but recent events in my family have pushed me into a position where I must find a suitable husband. I really don't want to get married—at least not purely for monetary reasons, but we're in a bit of a stitch in Longbourn and I need to keep roof over my family's head.

Katniss Everdeen: In order to save your family your plan is to marry rich? That's quite a sacrifice you're making.

Elizabeth Bennet: But if I had a choice, I would only marry for love.

Edward Cullen: I've never been in love...it's a human emotion.

Katniss Everdeen: I hunt squirrels in the woods with Gale. He's cool and the other girls think he's hot...I guess he is. I'm too starving to notice.

Holden Caulfield: I'm not into anybody. Well, no wait. I like girls. I really like girls. And guys too. Well, no not in that way. I mean I can appreciate how swell a guy looks all dressed up for a date, but...yeah. Hey, listen, I like girls. All of them.

Victor Frankenstein: I kind of have an on again off again thing with my cousin.

Elizabeth Bennet: ?

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth is such a beautiful name.

Elizabeth Bennet: Thank you, Mr. Cullen. May I ask you what you're looking for in a lady?

Edward Cullen: Oh, the usual I suppose; good manners, a nice smile, the kind who agrees to be taken away from her family and friends so she can be available to my every whim. I want a girl who does whatever I say and loves all the same things I do.

Elizabeth Bennet: I'm perplexed, Mr. Cullen. Even by societal standards of the 1800's, your ideas are positively primeval.

Katniss Everdeen: Would you feed her, though?

Edward Cullen: I'm not sure why that's important, Katniss?

Holden Caulfield: It sounds like Kat has a fear of commitment.

Moderator: Here's a fun twist. Perhaps everyone can talk about their fears as a way of getting to know each other. Why don't you start Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Bennet: Having to marry my cousin, Mr. Collins.

Victor Frankenstein: Hey! I resent that. There's nothing wrong with marrying family. My cousin happens to be really hot.

Edward Cullen: I fear the sun...it makes me all sparkly.

Holden Caulfield: Puberty.

Moderator: Katniss? What about you?

Katniss Everdeen: The only thing I'm afraid of is being picked to join a bloody reality show where I'll have to fight other kids to the death.

Elizabeth Bennet: Pardon me!? Surely there's something that can be done to stop this pointless blood-fest?

Edward Cullen: Did you say blood?

Victor Frankenstein: Do you suppose there might be some spare parts? You know, like a hand or foot, one might be able to take after the festivities?

Elizabeth Bennet: I'm not sure I'm in the right chat room.

Holden Caulfield: Don't worry, Lizzie. These guys are all a bunch of phonies. Every single one of them. Why don't you and I take off? I know a swell bar downtown that sells the best rye and ginger. What do you say? Do you like dancing?

Edward Cullen: Drop that punk, Elizabeth. You'll only end up hurt with a scraped knee. I play the piano and drive fast. But you'll always be perfectly safe with me—even though I repeatedly tell you I'm fighting every instinct to expose your innards to my fangs.

Elizabeth Bennet: Oh, dear! Papa is calling for me. I must make haste and take my leave.

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth?

Victor Frankenstein: Katniss, when does this reality show begin? It sounds fascinating. I'd like to hear more about it. Perhaps you can join me at my family's chateau for tea?

Katniss Everdeen: Will there be food with the tea?

Victor Frankenstein: Of course. Cook always prepares an extra special buffet for guests.

Katniss Everdeen: Count me in.

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth?

Holden Caulfield: She left! You and your phony attitude drove her away. You're rotten.

Holden Caulfield: Edward?

Holden Caufield: Anyone???

Moderator: Sign off, Holden.

Holden: You're all a bunch of phonies!

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 4 "Chicken dinner, you're NOT a winner!"

 

Sean says, “All I need to focus on are my individual relationships with each of the girls.”

Like making out with each of them, right?

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He chooses Selma for the first solo date.

“I finally get to open up to Sean,” Selma says. “And then move it to the next level, and then we can have babies.”

*Prays for their future babies*

“I just really want a date,” Leslie, the poker dealer cries.

There are other ways, Leslie.

Selma says, “I don't have clue what I'm doing today.”

Or any day...probably.

Then she adds, “There's a private jet and a red carpet. Is every date going to be like this?”

No, never again. Ever.

Sean takes Selma to the desert for rock climbing.

Selma says, “I'm not good in heat at all.”

Really? Cause you look like you've been in heat since the beginning of the show.

The long laborious climb begins, with gratuitous cleavage shots. Thank heavens for fast forward.

They celebrate with champagne at the top and Sean says, “Let's see where this night takes us.”

I'm guessing to the hot tub.

Sean likes to end every solo date on a bed with a bucket of champagne. Anyone notice no one eats on this show? There's plenty of booze, though.

Sean tell us, “I want to spend the rest of my life with one person.”

But until then, of course, he'd like to make out with all the chicks on the show.

Not Selma though, because she has a rule about NOT making out with guys on national TV.

Does ABC know this? How did she get on the show? I thought that was a prerequisite.

The group date is roller derby. What genius thought this up? I hope they have 911 on speed dial.

 

 

Sean says, “This is going to be interesting to watch because you're all such sweet girls.”

I guess he hasn't been watching the nanny cam in the mansion.

Amanda is totally showing up all the girls, because all serial killers can roller skate. Then she takes a tumble and pulls a Tierra. The medics shows up, Sean hovers, but nothing is really wrong and the contest continues.

Sean takes the girls in their micro-mini dresses to ANOTHER private rooftop restaurant that serves only booze.

Tierra has a hard time adjusting to sharing Sean. She asks the producers if she can leave.

She says, “Sean's a great guy but why am I here?”

Amen.
 

Meanwhile Sean is heading to the hot tub with the substitute teacher. Tierra interrupts them and voices her concerns that she's losing her mind, but still wants to hang around to find out if she gets a rose. Sean channels his inner Emily, and says the right things to make her smile and giggle.

He's just a gigolo, and everywhere he goes, people know the part he's playing...

Tierra gets the rose.

Well played, freak.

Sean says, “I want to see where this goes, because I'm crazy about you.”

It's good that you like crazy, Sean.

Leslie, the poker dealer who was crying earlier, gets the next solo date. And a pair of diamond earrings are part of the clue. She squeals, "This is just like Pretty Woman! It's my favorite movie.”

Oh God! It's worse than I thought.

Sean takes Leslie shopping on Rodeo Drive. Leslie talks again about Pretty Woman. Does this mean Sean is going to pimp her out on the corner?

Leslie tries on a lot of dresses. When Sean sees the one he likes, she says, “Chicken dinner! It's a winner.”

Then they go try on diamond necklaces. But she's been set up. Sean needed to do all this fancy crap to see if there was even an inkling of romantic attraction between them. Leslie doesn't get a rose, but she gets to keep the earrings.

Chicken dinner...is what you'll be eating tomorrow night.

There was a live band but I fast forwarded that part.

It's time for the rose ceremony/make-out fest. And the lip gloss and eye shadow mean serious business.

Tierra says, “I'm just focusing on me. I came here to win this.”

And by 'this', you mean, Sean?

Sean tells the camera, “I can read Tierra and I know she's here for the right reason.”

See above.

There's more kissing with girls, and the loan guitar plays in the background.

After a make out session, one of the girls says, “It can only go up from here.”

*giggles at obvious pee-pee joke*

At the end of the rose ceremony, Amanda is the only one not holding a rose.

I blame the terrible shade of lipstick she chose.

Make Your Own Writer's Survival Kit

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Every writer should have a proper work area just for them, with everything they need only an arms length away. I prefer my big comfy couch in the living room with lots of pillows. By the time I've surrounded myself with a few essentials, I have a nest that would make Big Bird green with envy.

Here's my list of essentials:

1. Java. And lots of it, sister. Whether it be latte, espresso or americano, everyone knows a cut writer bleeds coffee.

2. Dish full of CHOCOLATES. Goes well with above mentioned java. Even a bag of baking chips will do.

3. Woolly socks. When the butt is in the chair, the blood flow can be compromised to the lower extremities. And everyone knows cold feet inhibit imagination.

4. Picture of Alex Pettyfer. We all imagine him as our MC...right?

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5. iPod and ear buds. Soundtracks are great inspiration for specific scenes. Here are a few of my favorites.

Mysterious scene.

Chase scene.

Scary scene.

Smooching scene.


6. Hand wipes. See #2.

7. Lucky Troll Doll Necklace. Don't judge me. It works for BINGO.  

8. Pizza Delivery on speed dial. You've hit your word count for the day, hooray! But now it's supper time and the kids are starving.

BONUS! Elastic band. Wear it around your wrist. When self doubt creeps in, SNAP it, then keep writing.


What's in your writer's survival kit?

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 3 "Psycho Style Tug Of War"

Sean says, “It's only been a week, but I'm really digging a lot of these women.”

The host gives the girls a bit of wisdom, “There's only sixteen of you left, make each moment with Sean count.”

*Barf*

Sean invites Leslie on the solo date.

Leslie says, “It feels nice to not have fourteen other girls by my side with Sean.”

Mmm-hmm, like ice cream on a summer afternoon.

They tour the Guinness World Record museum. Then Sean parades Leslie in front of a crowd to attempt a new world record for longest on screen kiss.

What's the point of going on a solo date if you're still making out in front of strangers?

It's not actually a kiss. Their lips are stuck together, but that's it.

I hit fast forward and someone gives then a framed certificate. I think it was for longest most painful moment on ABC.

Sean takes Leslie to a random rooftop for wine and snuggles.

He says, “The more time I'm with Leslie, the more time I want to spend with her.”

And the more I listen to the words come out of your mouth, the more I want to hit the mute button.

These two have the weirdest ALMOST kiss moments. They giggle, then stop talking, and then they look at each other, but neither one leans forward.

Sean asks her, “Can you develop feelings for me in this setting?”

The private rooftop champagne bar setting?

Sean takes a dozen girls to the beach for some fun time sports in their bikinis. Shockingly, there's a lot of gratuitous boobie shots.

The girls are split into two teams. The winning group wins one on one time with Sean, while the losers go home. The girls waste no time in painting themselves with 'S' for Sean.

I fast forwarded this as well, since I'm not a fourteen year old boy. The sun is setting, people are leaving the beach. Dear God, how long does this game last?

Sean hugs the losers while the winners cheer and jump for the camera.

Then he says, “I get to have real quality time with these other six girls and I think I need that.”

It's hard to be you, dude.

One of the girl's says, “Sean has all the qualities of a husband that I really want.”

Yes, a man who dates sixteen girls at the same time on national television, is definitely a keeper.

Lindsay, the substitute teacher, says, “You're like hands down, and on paper, like perfect chemistry.”

Like wow, your students must have like awesome report cards.

Sean has a nice moment with Desire, “I'll never get tired of hanging out with you.”

And feeling her butt.

Amanda confesses to Sean that she is his dream girl.

Oh, okay. Contest over then, I guess.

Amanda returns to the girls and declares that she has probably won the rose tonight.

Has anyone counted the knives lately?

Kaci tells Sean that Desire and Amanda are all freaky and weird and she feels uncomfortable, but she wants to warn Sean.

He says, “Why are you telling me this?”

I think that's a great answer to anything the girls say, Sean.

Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay.

Like, wow.

Ashlee is waiting to go on a solo date with Sean. Tierra falls down the stairs. This eats up more air time than necessary. Tierra ends up getting some TLC with Sean, while Ashley fumes in the foyer waiting for the limo.

Hint, make sure you're in full make-up when you pretend to fall down the stairs.

Sean says, “I want to see if Ashlee's got some kid in her.”

I guess they're going to the ultrasound clinic.

Ashlee is in her little dress, and cute heels, and Sean takes her to an amusement park. But it's not really a solo date because Sean has invited two chronically ill girls to come along. There's rides, stuffed toys, snacks, and a live band.

Ashlee gets teary eyed and considers herself very lucky to be on this date.

I'm also grateful to be spared any more drama from the mansion full of twits.

We learn that Ashlee was adopted at age six and her life story makes Sean cry, it also makes him give her a rose.

It's the cocktail party before the rose ceremony or as I like to call it, 'psycho tug of war'.

Sean takes Sarah outside and he surprises her by bringing her dog by for a little game of fetch.

After this, Sean sits down with one girl, and then another comes along and pulls him away. This continues for awhile.

Desire says, “This is stupid I'm not playing this game.”

That's right, Desire, it's not a game...it's a contest.

Sean begins the rose ceremony.

*Hits fast forward button*

Sean takes Kaci out of the room.

*Hits the pause button*

Sean explains to Kaci that he has too much respect for her as A FRIEND to make her stand through another rose ceremony, and he lets her bow out gracefully. That was very thoughtful of him.

*Hits fast forward*

Two chicks, who I don't even remember, have to go home. They cry in their post interview.

Why do women sign up for this?

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 12 "Brothers"

Or better title, "Just A Regular Guy"

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Belle has lost her memory. A panicked Mr. Gold tires to reassure her it's totally fine that he's able to heal her gunshot wound with magic.

Mary Margaret, Emma and David arrive to find Hook bloodied and still ready to fight Mr. Gold. An ambulance arrives in the speed of light as if it was scripted or something. The paramedics flash a light into the car, but no one recognizes the dude.

Poo. I was hoping for the Sheriff.

Dr. Whale sits at Storybrooke's emergency brooding over a glass of scotch.

We're treated to a black and white flashback. Dr. Frankenstein had an overbearing father who favored his younger brother. Not only was he second choice, but dear old dad, refused to believe in his experiments with cadavers and lightening.

Cora would have understood.

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Hook and the crash victim are rushed to the hospital. Belle is put in a room and sedated, freaking out that Mr. Gold is the dude she regularly makes out with. Dr. Whale tries to calm everyone down with a glass of scotch.

Emma interrogates Hook with her fists.

Yikes!

Hook can't help but flirt, but Emma reminds him that he not only pissed off the only guy in town who can use magic, is immortal, but he also tried to kill his chick.

Emma hacks into the car accident guys iPhone; his name is Greg and he seems really boring. Mary Margaret and David worry that other regular people will start coming to Storybrooke.

Bad news for the Blue Fairy because her Head Nun disguise is not fooling anyone.

Also, the Mayor and Cora are missing.

*Rubs hands together*

Dr. Whale announces to the room that Greg, the regular guy, is bleeding internally and may die. He asks Mr. Gold to hocus pocus him back to health. Mr. Gold mentions that since Greg saw him use a little magic he'll blow the whistle on Storybrooke and their town will be in danger.

A long pointless debate ensues; let the guy die and save Storybrooke, or try and save him and see what horrible things will happen.

Really? They're afraid of a regular guy?

Rumpelstiltskin pays a visit to Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. He's interested to know the secrets of reanimation since he only has the power of dark magic. He leaves a pile of gold to help Dr. Frankenstein continue his work.

He utters these last famous words, “Igor, we're going to need a body.”

Wow! If I had a nickel for every time I said that on a Saturday night.

Mr. Gold mopes about his shop, crying into the chipped cup. Cora arrives and offers to help find his son, if he helps her find the mayor.

She brings him a 'magical globe' that will pin point Bellfire's location. She's so sweet and they shake on the deal, and then they kiss.

ARGH! Look away! Oh God, too late. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion.

Dr. Frankenstein digs up a body but is interrupted by his brother, trying to convince him that stealing corpses for science is wrong. A shot rings out from the guy who patrols the graveyard at night...I guess. Both brothers jump into a waiting carriage and escape. Frankie soon notices that his brother isn't very talkative, and that the blood stain on his chest indicates he's been shot, like in the heart...and is now dead.

Emma is concerned when Greg's cell phone keeps ringing. The others are worried that the regular guy's girlfriend will also come to Storybrooke. That means two regular people will be in Storybrooke.

I can't imagine the wild plot lines that will develop.

*Yawn*

Emma and the gang realize Dr. Whale has left the hospital. And NOT trying to save Greg, like he promised.

Dr. Frankenstein is upset when his attempt to electrocute his brother back to life has failed. Dear dad arrives and gives a slice of terrible acting, blaming Dr. Frankenstein for killing his brother.

There's more father/son/death issues here than a Tim Burton movie.

Cora sneaks around the Mayors house looking for clues. Meanwhile, Henry sneaks around the cemetery and enters the Mayor's secret vault. She lets him into her room of mirrors. She pleads her innocence, and Henry looks unimpressed. Then Henry turns into Cora.

Busted.

Dr. Frankenstein is paid another visit by Rumpelstiltskin. He promises him an enchanted heart that will withstand the blast of lightening, all in return for pulling a prank on Regina, making her think her dear Daniel, can be brought back to life.

Cora pleads with the Mayor, that she loves her and understands why she tried to kill her...like over and over again. The Mayor demands that Cora go into town and confess to the kidnapping of Dr. Hopper. She agrees and I really hope something super awesome happens.

Ruby and her wolf nose, find Dr. Whale ready to jump to his death. She catches him in the last second.

Dr. Frankenstein uses an enchanted heart from Storybrooke and animates his brother. Dear old dad is so excited, but he gets too close with the candle. The brother freaks out and attacks the dad, killing him with his fists.
 

Dr. Whale explains to Ruby that magic always comes with a price. Ruby replies with the best line of the season so far. “I'm a werewolf, I ate my boyfriend.”

Seriously. I'm not kidding.

The Mayor and Cora drive into town. Like any good mother, Cora uses this time to point out that Henry will never be hers as long as Mary Margaret and Emma keep bringing up all the stuff she did as the Evil Queen. The Mayor dissolves into tears, knowing her mother is the only one who can help her get Henry back.

Dr. Frankenstein speaks with his zombie brother, and realizes he is a tortured monster. He brings a gun to end his life, but is unable to pull the trigger. He leaves his brother in a cell.

Gee, kind of a no win situation.

Dr. Whale returns to the hospital and saves Greg, the regular guy.

Mr. Gold brings the chipped cup to Belle, hoping it will bring her memory back. He talks about castles and is insisted it's a magical talisman. Belle, frustrated with the lack of hospital security smashes the cup and asks the ugly old guy to leave.

Emma interviews Greg, the regular guy. She's all worried that he saw some magic, even though magic doesn't exist in Storybrooke—only when it does. But her fears are put to rest when Greg confesses that he was texting and didn't see anything weird.

Mr. Gold uses the magical globe thingy and gets the location of Bellfire. Emma has breakfast with Henry who explains to everyone that Dr. Frankenstein isn't even a fairytale, so if he's in Storybrooke, well, gosh, that means anything can happen.

Mr. Gold arrives and tells Emma it's time to cash in on the favor she promised when he let Cinderella keep her baby.

Yeah, I know. Where is she these days?

Emma has to pack a bag and take him traveling. He promises everyone in the room if anything bad happens to Belle while he's away,  he'll kill them all.

Harsh much?

Meanwhile, Greg the regular guy, calls his honey and let's her know he's stuck in wackoville where magic only exists when it's convenient.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Mary Margaret's eye make-up

Hook's stubble.

Cora disguising herself as Henry.

Dr. Frankenstein's brother—Meow!

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

How Grumpy tagged along for no reason.

Cora and Mr. Gold's kiss. *Gag*

How the Sheriff DID NOT show up....AGAIN!

 

Begin With The End

Whre the magic happens...sometimes.

Before I write a scene, I let it stew in my mind for a few days, choosing which parts to keep and which bits to throw away. For me, nothing is more exciting than opening up the laptop to make that moment exist somewhere other than inside my head.

After the first paragraph, I usually stop and read it over—then I make that face like I'm smelling milk gone bad. I delete everything I just typed, and then I start again.

Then...repeat.

Before I know it, a half hour has gone by, and my word count is zilch.

It's frustrating. I have the scene in my mind. I know where it's going. I can SEE the finish line, but I can't seem to get started.

I always like to to have a chapter end with a cliffhanger or one of those 'a-ha!' moments. Recently, I changed things up and wrote the last three or four paragraphs of the chapter I was working on.

I discovered that when I focused on the cliffhanger or the 'a-ha!' ending, it gave my writing momentum. Without pausing to edit what I had just written, I jumped to the beginning of the chapter and wrote until I met up with the awesome cliffhanger.

This is how I tackle most of my scenes now, and it has made a huge difference in how much writing I can get done in a short amount of time. And when I hit that word count goal, each chapter ending is a 'yes!' moment for me.

What writing strategies work for you?

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 2 "Hot Tub Philosophy"

Sean, not exactly...
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The chosen girls have moved into the mansion and put on their game face—and by game face I mean a lot of mascara and lip gloss. The Host comes in and announces he can tell Sean will probably fall in love with one of them.

Um...that's the whole point right?

Sarah, okay I'll say it, the chick with one hand, was chosen to go on the first solo date with Sean. He arrives in a helicopter.

Totally stole that from Kaylan.

Sarah says, "So far, this is the biggest dream of my life come true."

Easy girl, it's not like he's taking you to Disney World.

Sean says, “We're really high, in case you haven't noticed.”

Dude, you're flying in a helicopter.

Sean has planned a free fall date. Yup, they jump off the building where champagne is waiting for them at the bottom...and hopefully a net.

What a great first date idea! Incontinence is a nice ice breaker.

They have an evening date and Sarah looks lovely in her black strapless dress. They share glasses of wine on the bed.

Yup. That's right.

Sarah tells Sean a heartfelt moment from her childhood when she was prevented from going zip-lining because she had a disability.

I like her. It took a lot of guts to make up that story. Smart chickie!

Sean says, “I think of myself as a man. And I'm a man that can protect you.”

His wit makes me speechless.

Then Sarah tells Sean about her past boyfriends, who were also men.

Sean is touched or drunk, or a little of both, and he gives her a rose. And then they have some smoochy time.

Sarah later says, “I don't know how I got so lucky.”

It's not luck, you jumped off the building.

It's time for the group date. Sean invites twelve girls for an intimate day at a mansion. They're doing cover photos for a Harlequin romance novel. One of the girl's, who is actually a model, is super excited.

Tierra, who has about three feet of cleavage, says to the hair dresser, “I don't have have hair extensions, I'm all natural.”

It's not long before the girls are all done up in their costumes/make-up, and I have to say most of them seem pretty natural in the bustiers.

Pretty strong argument for ebooks.

Shockingly, the model does the best shoot with Sean.

Now it's time for a little action by the pool. Sean takes Leslie for a private conversation, and the awkward conversation is killing me. No one makes a move. And no one is satisfied.

Except for me because I moved to press the fast forward button.

Sean takes the girls one by one to the make out room—I'm sorry the interview couch—for a lot of knee rubbing. Leslie regrets not kissing Sean when she had the chance. She finds him and gives him a few kisses.

Wow! That session pretty much proved they will NEVER be on a Harlequin book cover.

There's the girl who was on another 'The Bachelor' season. I guess this is her thing.

What do you do for a living, Kacie?

Oh, I'm a professional contestant on The Bachelor.

Kacie says, “It felt really good to go from friend zone, to girlfriend zone.”

Just as long as you know there's eighteen other girlfriends there with you.
 

One girl says, “I'm a vegetarian, but I love the beef.”

“Ha!” Sean laughs clueless. “I love that.”

Dear ABC,

Why is this show two hours long?

Tierra says, “I've never gone for a guy who has other girls going for him. It's really hard.”

You've watched The Bachelor before, right? Also, it really bothers me when the girls say, “I want Sean to keep me around for awhile.”Gross!

Katie, the yoga instructor, has started to clue in that this isn't normal. Again, I have to ask, haven't you watched the show before?

She tells Sean she needs to go home, and he pauses five seconds as it sinks in. Then he walks her to the door.

Fifty points for Katie!!!

The rest of the girls cheer.

Sean gives the date rose to Kacie.

No one cheers.

Sean takes Desire on her solo date. I think she's super cute. The host shows Sean how they've set up a fake art gallery to prank Desire.

Oh! *rubs hands* It's an experiment.

Desire steps out of a limo in a darling little black dress. She's all super smiles. Desire is left alone in the room.

It would be hilarious if she picked her nose.

A 'priceless' statue falls to the ground. The artist and the photographer show up acting all mad. Desire maintains that she didn't do anything.

This is the worst prank ever.

*Looks at watch*

Why is this show two hours long?

Sean takes her back for a dinner at his place. He makes her a floret of broccoli, a spoon full of rice and a whopping huge steak. And holy, huge wine glasses!

They talk about who has the more cute and cuddly parents. They agree they should be best friends if they want to get married.

Sean says, “She feeling me so far, and I'm definitely feeling her.”

Yeah, literally—they're in the hot tub.

They philosophize in the hot tub as the filter gurgles in the back ground.

Desire says, “I think we're on the same page!”

Well, you're in the same hot tub, so I guess that's the same.

Sean steps out in his 'Where's Waldo' swimming trunks and offers her the date rose.

She says, “I already feel like he's my boyfriend. I can tell he's feeling me, and I'm feeling him, so we started to make out.”

Hallmark should hire these two.

It's the second rose ceremony and the girls glare at each other through heavy mascara eyelashes. Sean enters the room and everyone smiles and giggles.

Sean interviews more ladies but he's all flummoxed because he wants to keep all the pretty smelling girls.

Amanda sits on the couch, ignoring everyone with her arms folded across her chest, apparently auditioning for the part of the serial killer.


I totally hope she stays.

Sean tells one of the girls, “I love this question. I don't know where it's going, but I love it.”

No you don't, do you, Sean.

It's FINALLY time for the rose ceremony. I confess, I fast forwarded to the end. Amanda the serial killer is staying!

Some girls leave. I have no idea who they are. I fast forward through their post show interviews.

They always say, “I totally put myself out there.”

Honey, you stepped out of a limo and spent a week in a mansion.


Who do you think Amanda will murder first?

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 11 “The Outsider”

Or better title, "Because Of You, I Crossed The Line"

I'm so excited! The Outsiders is one of my favorite books!!! Is Matt Dillon making an appearance?

 



Dallas is coming to Storybrooke!
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A big ole' Pontiac pulls up to Storybrooke's town limits.

We know it's the boundary because the dwarfs spray painted a bright red line....the vandals.
 

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Mr. Gold takes Bill Smead out of the trunk and unties him.

We know it's Bill Smead because he's wearing the obnoxiously, obvious red cap. Bill begs not to be pushed over the line since he'll lose his mind just like the pharmacist (Sneezy).

Bill has about 150 lbs on Mr. Gold, plus Mr. Gold uses a cane to walk. Can't he just punch him of something?

Mr. Gold whacks him in the knee with his fighting stick (the cane). He takes the obnoxiously obvious red cap and sprinkles it with magic liquid. Bill tells Mr. Gold the hat is special because his grandmother made it for him.

Mr. Gold kicks Bill over the line. But Bill doesn't go crazy, in fact he remembers everything.

The experiment works! 

Mary Margaret gives the eulogy for Dr. Hopper—who is actually bound and gagged in Hook's ship. The Dalmatian wines.

I thought dogs were super smart when it comes to fake bodies in your master's coffin.

Hook interrogates Dr. Hopper about Rumpelstiltskin's greatest weakness. This is a cue for the next scene.

Belle enters Mr. Gold's shop where he's waiting to give her some exciting news. He explains to her— and us—that by sprinkling the liquid on an object you hold most dear, it becomes a talisman that allows you to cross the town lines while still keeping your memory. He's ready to go looking for his son, Bellfire.

That's going to be confusing isn't it? Belle and Bellfire?

He opens a safe and shows Belle, Bellfire's (see it's already confusing) shawl. It's the last thing he has of his son.

Wow! I hope Hook doesn't find out about this.

Mr. Gold tells Belle that he only has enough potion for one object.

Wow! I hope it doesn't get wasted. Geez, there is so much to chance.

Belle enjoys a pint of grog at the local Ale House. The townsfolk are in a tizzy about a dangerous beast they're hoping to round up and kill. Grumpy, who is still Dreamy at this point, tells Belle he's super excited to be secretly eloping with his true love, Nova the clumsy fairy.

Where is Nova, anyway?

Dreamy thinks it would be giggles and fun times if Belle joined the hunters to take down the beast. Belle looks pained and explains that she prefers books—besides she already hooked up with a Beast and it didn't end so well.

But he convinces her because his positive attitude is contagious. Before Belle leaves on her super fun adventure, Dreamy gives her a sack of fairy dust. She's hesitant since magic turned Rumpelstiltskin all crazy and mean. Dreamy insists she take it because good magic is different than dark magic.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Belle struts down Main Street and opens Storybrooke's library by pulling on the door and walking in. Hook startles her. She tells him the library isn't opened yet. And by closed she means the door isn't locked. 


Don't think about the absurdity too much, just accept it and move on.

When Hook steps out of the shadows, she recognizes him from when he visited her cell in the Queen's castle. He explains that he's after Rumpelstiltskin, but her death will do nicely as well.

Belle manages to easily turn over a bookcase, making it crash on top of Hook. She enters the wacky elevator that leads to the dungeon, where the dragon is rotting from when Emma killed it last season.

I bet it smells bad.

She calls Mr. Gold, but the reception is so bad he has no clue that she's being attacked by a one handed pirate.

Belle studies a book while the hunters tease her about reading and letters and stuff. In fact, she happens to be reading about the very beast they're hunting. She also happens to be wearing a low cut tunic. She tells them to go to the lake, and then the hunters kick her off the waggon.

Right. 'Cause men HATE having a good looking chick with her boobs popping out of her shirt.

But getting kicked off is part of Belle's plan—the beast actually lives in the mountains. And it takes her two minutes to find it's lair. Armed with a book, a dagger, and about three feet of cleavage, Belle enters the beasts cave.

She steps on a stick, the silly goose. The fiery beast comes out! It's so ferocious it roars at Belle, and then runs away. Mulan shows up all pissy because Belle's loud stick spooked the beast just as she was aiming her arrow to kill. It took her a month to track it down, damnit!
 

Mulan doesn't like Belle, her book, or her cleavage. She stomps away in a huff.

Mr. Gold rescues Belle and listens with gritted teeth while she tells him about Hook.

As everyone snacks on egg salad sandwiches at Mary Margaret's apartment, Henry is totally bummed about his adoptive mom killing Dr Hopper. Grumpy brings up the topic of returning to the enchanted forest. And what would happen if someone from the real world decided to pay a visit?

*cough* foreshadowing *cough*

Belle tries to convince Mr. Gold not to kill Hook. Mr. Gold explains how his wife, Mila ran away with Hook, breaking his heart, and Bellfire's.

Of course he left out the part about him ripping her heart out.

Pfft. Details. Who needs them?
 

Mr. Gold finds his shop has been ransacked. The safe is empty. Hook watches from a roof top as Bill Smead hands over Bellfire's shawl. Now Mr. Gold is trapped in Storybrooke.

Belle wants to exert her independence and help Mr. Gold hunt down Hook. Instead, Mr. Gold convinces her to wait it out in the library...with a gun.

Overdue charges has a whole new meaning.
 

Belle is bullied at a local waterhole by the hunters she tricked.

Mulan shows up and pulls a Princess Xena, knocking out most of the men and scattering the rest. She gets a flesh wound, but shrugs it off. Mulan wants to find the beast and she knows Belle's book will lead the way quickly. “You track it, and I'll kill it,” she tells Belle.

Let's order pizza for supper instead.

Belle cleans up the library and finds a knotted bit of rope. She flips through a nautical text and finds the same knot.

Books are the answer!

She keenly deduces that Hook came to Storybrooke on his ship.

Sure...or a million other possibilities.

Bill Smead is packed for a trip out of Storybrooke when he's confronted by Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold does the Darth Vader invisible choking grip as Bill confesses that he gave the shawl to Hook. Mr. Gold changes him into a rat.

Scabbers!

Fifty points for Gryffindor!

Belle stands on the wharf looking for a pirate ship. Seagulls perch in mind air. She takes a few steps and breaks through the invisibility shield.

Hey, where's Cora during all of this?

Belle finds Dr. Hopper! It was so convenient how his gag had slipped down so he could scream. Belle tells him to run and give the latest to Mr. Gold while she stays on the ship—there may be some books on board.

Poor Henry is still sad. Emma bursts into Mary Margaret's kitchen with the Dalmatian who still hasn't lead anyone to the ship yet.

Henry is instantly cured of his sadness. Mary Margaret applauds Emma's motherly instincts, but suggests they start to look for a bigger house. She'd like some private sexy time with David, and that's hard if there are no walls.

Belle is caught snooping by Hook. He holds Bellfire's shawl, and snatches away her gun.

How does he even know how to work a handgun?

Belle and Mulan move through the night forest. Belle's book of answers has led them to the beast's latest site of carnage (although the trail of fire was a hint as well). Mulan's wound is making her weak. Belle has to be the one to kill the beast.

Belle stands up to Hook and engages him in a conversation. Hook gets all sentimental over the shawl since Mila had made it. When Belle refuses to budge on her opinion of Mr. Gold, he tells her that Rumpelstiltskin killed Mila by ripping out her heart.

Wow! That will teach Mila a lesson.

Belle preaches that Mr. Gold has changed...blah, blah...and that his heart is true, no matter how many women he's killed, or people he's beaten or maimed.

Dear ABC,

You've sent the women's movement back by thirty years.

Belle uses a loose board to hit Hook, and she escapes with the shawl. But he's so sneaky, he manages to block her off on the deck. And guess what? Mr. Gold is there too, with his fighting stick.

Belle gets the attention of the fiery beast by yelling, “Over here.” Luckily the beast understands English. It follows her and gets caught in her booby trap. No, not that booby trap. I mean the big thing of water that spills over him.

The beast begins to melt! He scrawls calligraphy in the dirt. He's human! 

*Closes eyes and prays, "Please be the huntsman.*

Belle takes out her sack of fairy dust and sprinkles it over the dying beast. Poof! Up stands a fully clad Prince...Prince Phillip!!!

He thanks Belle and says an evil witch cursed him to keep him from finding his true love, Aurora.

As Mr. Gold bludgeons Hook with his cane, Belle plays the 'there's good in you' card, and he finally stops. Leering into Hook's bloodied face, he tells him to leave Storybrooke forever.

Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen.

Again, where's Cora?

And where's the Mayor?

Henry tries to convince Emma that they should start stalk piling weapons in case the Mayor comes after them next. Before you can say, “Kill a loved one! Who do you think she is, Mr. Gold?” Dr. Hopper arrives to tell them the good news that he's alive, and that Cora was his kidnapper, not the Mayor.

Mr. Gold drives up with Belle to the town line. He tells her how much he appreciates her helping him. Belle does her usual, 'I'll never give up, you're worth fighting for. I believe in you...'

Belle introduces Prince Phillip to Mulan. She turns down their offer to make it a threesome (dirty minds) instead, she takes her book and says she needs to face another beast. But as she reaches the crest of the hill, the Evil Queen is waiting. And Belle is taken prisoner.

Belle wraps Bellfire's shawl around Mr. Gold. He crosses the town line and looks dazed for a moment. Then he turns and says her name.

Hooray! I hope he cleaned the blood off his cane for his big trip to the city.

Belle gives him a kiss and promises to be waiting for his return. There is a gun shot and Belle falls across the line into Mr. Gold's arms.

Hook stands behind them looking satisfied. Belle has lost her memory. Mr. Gold is frantic.

Suddenly, a car's headlights come out of the darkness. Mr. Gold pulls Belle off the road. Hook gets hit and the car spins out of control, coming to a stop against a rock.

The Pennsylvania license plate refers to Florida.

*cough* Emma's ugly faced boyfriend. *cough*

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Mary Margaret's outfit at the funeral.

The Prince Phillip story line.

How Mulan kicked those dirt bag hunters butts.

The ending with Hook showing up, plus the car thing.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

Bill Smead's cap (it makes me sneeze).

How Belle keeps forgiving Mr. Gold, even when he beats the crap out of everyone.

How there's not supposed to be any magic, but there is.

Sheriff Graham STILL did not return.

Who do you think is in the car from Pennsylvania?