Thursday, 31 January 2013

Happily Ever After; Dating Service For Fictional Characters, Session One


Welcome to Happily Ever After!  

It doesn't matter if you're a hero or a zero on the pages, our on-line dating service will help you find your soul mate.
We'll have you picking out matching bookmarks before you can say, 'library late fees'.

The chat room is about to get started! Let's see who's looking for love today.

Moderator: Hello, everyone. I see we have a new person in the chat room tonight. Go ahead, don't by shy. Tell us a little about yourself.

Elizabeth Bennet: I am pleased to make everyone's acquaintance this evening. I'm not the kind of girl who usually puts herself out there, but recent events in my family have pushed me into a position where I must find a suitable husband. I really don't want to get married—at least not purely for monetary reasons, but we're in a bit of a stitch in Longbourn and I need to keep roof over my family's head.

Katniss Everdeen: In order to save your family your plan is to marry rich? That's quite a sacrifice you're making.

Elizabeth Bennet: But if I had a choice, I would only marry for love.

Edward Cullen: I've never been in's a human emotion.

Katniss Everdeen: I hunt squirrels in the woods with Gale. He's cool and the other girls think he's hot...I guess he is. I'm too starving to notice.

Holden Caulfield: I'm not into anybody. Well, no wait. I like girls. I really like girls. And guys too. Well, no not in that way. I mean I can appreciate how swell a guy looks all dressed up for a date, but...yeah. Hey, listen, I like girls. All of them.

Victor Frankenstein: I kind of have an on again off again thing with my cousin.

Elizabeth Bennet: ?

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth is such a beautiful name.

Elizabeth Bennet: Thank you, Mr. Cullen. May I ask you what you're looking for in a lady?

Edward Cullen: Oh, the usual I suppose; good manners, a nice smile, the kind who agrees to be taken away from her family and friends so she can be available to my every whim. I want a girl who does whatever I say and loves all the same things I do.

Elizabeth Bennet: I'm perplexed, Mr. Cullen. Even by societal standards of the 1800's, your ideas are positively primeval.

Katniss Everdeen: Would you feed her, though?

Edward Cullen: I'm not sure why that's important, Katniss?

Holden Caulfield: It sounds like Kat has a fear of commitment.

Moderator: Here's a fun twist. Perhaps everyone can talk about their fears as a way of getting to know each other. Why don't you start Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Bennet: Having to marry my cousin, Mr. Collins.

Victor Frankenstein: Hey! I resent that. There's nothing wrong with marrying family. My cousin happens to be really hot.

Edward Cullen: I fear the makes me all sparkly.

Holden Caulfield: Puberty.

Moderator: Katniss? What about you?

Katniss Everdeen: The only thing I'm afraid of is being picked to join a bloody reality show where I'll have to fight other kids to the death.

Elizabeth Bennet: Pardon me!? Surely there's something that can be done to stop this pointless blood-fest?

Edward Cullen: Did you say blood?

Victor Frankenstein: Do you suppose there might be some spare parts? You know, like a hand or foot, one might be able to take after the festivities?

Elizabeth Bennet: I'm not sure I'm in the right chat room.

Holden Caulfield: Don't worry, Lizzie. These guys are all a bunch of phonies. Every single one of them. Why don't you and I take off? I know a swell bar downtown that sells the best rye and ginger. What do you say? Do you like dancing?

Edward Cullen: Drop that punk, Elizabeth. You'll only end up hurt with a scraped knee. I play the piano and drive fast. But you'll always be perfectly safe with me—even though I repeatedly tell you I'm fighting every instinct to expose your innards to my fangs.

Elizabeth Bennet: Oh, dear! Papa is calling for me. I must make haste and take my leave.

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth?

Victor Frankenstein: Katniss, when does this reality show begin? It sounds fascinating. I'd like to hear more about it. Perhaps you can join me at my family's chateau for tea?

Katniss Everdeen: Will there be food with the tea?

Victor Frankenstein: Of course. Cook always prepares an extra special buffet for guests.

Katniss Everdeen: Count me in.

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth?

Holden Caulfield: She left! You and your phony attitude drove her away. You're rotten.

Holden Caulfield: Edward?

Holden Caufield: Anyone???

Moderator: Sign off, Holden.

Holden: You're all a bunch of phonies!


Joannah Miley said...

This is very clever and had be chuckling all the way through!

It might be fun to hear from Romeo, Scarlet O'hara, George Weasley...

Jane Lebak said...

Awesome! In the middle I thought you were going to segue into the Jane Austen Fight Club. :-)

BR Myers said...

Good suggestions, Jo. Thanks Jane, I've seen it. Hilarious.

Michael Seese said...

How about Da Vinci Code?

Langdon: "You know, honey, you really need to get over this idea that you're god's gift to the world."

Sophie: ""

Laila N Mysis said...

That was hilarious :D I love you ^_^

Maybe you should put Bella Swan in. Or someone strange like Luna Lovegood. Or Austen's Emma x) I donno, I leave it to your genius :P

Also, you wrote Emma Cullen once o.O

BR Myers said...


Holy smokes you're the only one who noticed that!

All fixed up ;)

Awesome suggestions. I might have to make this into a regular post.

Krissie said...

Hysterical! Thanks for sharing this convo. Brilliant!

September C. Fawkes said...

This was a really fun idea and added some nice humor to my morning :)

By the way, Katniss hangs out with "Gale" not "Gabe"--not a big deal, but if it were me, I would want someone to tell me so I can fix it.

BR Myers said...

Kami! That's so hilarious. Who the heck was I thinking of when I wrote Gabe?? *blushes*

Fixed up now.


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