The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 1 "Fifty Shades of Crazy"

So....The Bachelor started tonight. Sean Lowe, Emily Maynard's third choice for last season, is now in the spotlight and ready to fall in love with a stranger...again.

Emily, not exactly as shown.

ABC searched high and low for twenty-five contestants—yes, they're contestants.

I'm not sure if the producers emphasized that each hopeful bachelorette do something special to stand out, but holy awkwardness, each girl had a gimmick. No one seemed to know how to get out of the car, walk over to Sean and introduce themselves.

One girl did back flips. Another sang. Someone asked him to make a wish. Most took the unoriginal route of pulling different objects out of their cleavage.

One girl produced a tie and oozed about Fifty Shades of Grey. Sean looked at the tie like he was being hypnotized. He was totally clueless, and for that I gave him twenty points.

A lot of the girls mentioned how excited they were when they found out he was The Bachelor, they had signed up to fall in love with.

It sounds like a compliment, but it really isn't.

"I signed a contract to find my true love, like even before they had picked the guy. I was going to pull a tie out of my boobs no matter who showed up, but it's you! So that's like double cool."

Ah, let's move onto the interview portion of this mess.

I'm not sure, but I think the producers made sure the girls were well served. Nothing like a bit of booze to help ease everyone's nerves...and clothing, apparently.

Before you could say, "I would have picked Arie," tears were flowing, dresses were being hiked up, and eyeliner was running down checks.

Someone, *cough* Fifty Shades of Grey *cough* fell down the stairs and landed on her bottom.

Roses were handed out, and I wished Ryan was The Bachelor because he totally would have kept the drunk chick with the grey tie. Man, think of the epic debauchery we have been denied.

But don't cry for me Argentina, ABC gave a little sneak peek at the drama we have to stomach look forward to in the coming weeks.

Someone still has a boyfriend! Sean feels double crossed, but then he feels like he's met his soul mate. Girls are crying and pushing each other down the stairs. And an ambulance gets called!!!

Oh, the humanity.

I totally loved the necklace from last season!

Sadly, there is not one piece of jewelry I admired. *sniff* I miss Emily.