Thursday, 13 March 2014

The Bachelor, Season 18, Final Episode, "Hot Dog! There's No Wiener"

For the finale, Juan Pablo's family are flown to St. Lucia to meet the final two contestants. The gang not only includes Carmella, but Juan's cousin, Rodolfo.

Claire is first up and she's practically knitting baby outfits. She tells his family she wants four children and later says to the camera, "I could 1,000 percent see myself a part of Juan Pablo's family forever."

Hmm, one thousand percent? Isn't that impossible.

Nikki, on the other hand is a nervous Nelly. Which is surprising since she's already met the Brady Bunch at Carmella's dance recital.

Something I'm sure she's still confused about.

Juan uses this moment to talk about himself and how honest he is.

Yeah, to a fault.

Juan's mother is also honest, like brutal. She uses the phrase "super hyperactive" and mentions that he can sometimes be very rude.


Then his Dad takes Nikki aside, explaining that Juan Pablo isn't the easiest guy to live with. "He thinks he knows the truth in everything."

Um, great parenting job.

But we're not done yet! Rodolfo tells her, "Juan Pablo's a really great guy, but when things are getting rough, he'll walk away from the relationship."

Right. How did this guy get chosen again? Oh, right he auditioned for The Bachelorette. What if Desiree had chosen him?

Juan Pablo needs one last make out session date with each contestant to see who deserves to be the big winner.

Because this show is so ridiculous I feel completely justified in using the term 'winner.'

Claire tells the camera that while she and Juan were in the helicopter he told her something that "that no woman wants to hear."

No return policy?

Actually, she hints that it was insulting, offensive, and just made her feel awful. Then she adds, "Maybe he's not the man that I thought he was."

Newsflash, it's only been a month. You don't know him at all. Unless you count that time you went swimming after midnight...

But Claire decides this date should be used for super serious stuff. She tells him she wants their relationship to be more than physical.

He strokes her leg and says, "I like what I have seen during the entire adventure."


Claire then says, "That's the kind of stuff I want to hear. I want to hear about more than like, 'I like kissing you, I like kissing you.'"

I guess Clare is over his helicopter faux pas. She begins to gush about the possibility of a BIG RING.

Why? Because she's going to be the winner, that's why.

Nikki takes a different approach. She says, "I'm in love with this guy. I want forever with him." So she decides to write him a love letter.

Who is she kidding? If she really wants to win this thing, she'll send him photos of herself in a bikini.

Anyway, the date ends with Nikki crying on the couch.

Claire arrives at the kiss and cry podium dressed like the girl who holds the large check for a lottery winner. She holds his hand and gazes into his eyes.

He says, "I appreciate you being here and trusting me all along, but I have to say goodbye to you."

Cue the wrath of hell.

"I saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought that was you and I thought I knew what kind of man you were," she says.

Juan Pablo decides to let Claire in on a little secret and wants to tell her the exact, precise moment he knew she wasn't going to be the winner.

My nerves. I have seen it all.

Claire grows a backbone. "It doesn't matter to me," she tells him. "I lost respect for you. I would never want my children having a father like you."

After she and her 'off the shoulder teal gown' depart, Juan gives us this pearl of commentary, "Whew. I'm glad I didn't pick her."

Dear ABC,

Maybe next time interview the Bachelor's parents about what kind of guy he is before signing him up for the show.

Nikki is next in a deep blue gown with a high slit, but there's no guarantee he'll pop the question.

Why? See earlier remarks by Juan's family members.

Nikki tells Juan that he is an amazing person and that she's waited a long time for this moment. "I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I love you."

He replies, "Just know that I love so many things about you."

But not actually you as a whole person like thing.

Juan finds a loop hole and tells Nikki that he promised her father that he would only propose if he was absolutely sure about it. Then he hits us with this slice of mathematical genius.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure that I want to propose to you. At the same time, I'm one hundred percent sure that I just don't want to let you go."

Then he adds, "I like you a lot...a lot."And he offers her a rose. Yup. Just a rose.

And she takes it.


This is followed by the live "After The Final Rose" show, but to tell you the truth I turned off the TV.

You see, I'm one hundred, no, one thousand percent sure I don't need to see or hear about these wackos anymore.

No big winner. Unless you count the viewers, since this season is finally over.

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