Once Upon A Time, Episode 17, Hat Trick...Or, Never Trust A Guy In Leather Pants

NOT a princess in disguise
photo credit, spoilertv.com

There's a giant mushroom in the blue forest. I'm also beginning to suspect there's some other kind of mushrooms in the writer's room at ABC.

At the Sheriff's office the door to an empty cell is wide open. Mary Margaret has escaped and is running through the woods. At night. And tripping and gasping for breath. This is how the horror movie starts.

Henry is sitting in the hallway of the Sheriff's office reading the storybook. Emma and Mr. Gold arrive, but Henry stays quiet until Mr. Gold leaves—he knows the drill and limps off. Henry gets excited and asks Emma if she's come up with an escape plan yet. Emma flicks back her super long hair and tries to explain how ridiculous that sounds.

You see, she's in a rush to check the murder suspect that's been kept in the jail without anyone else working in the building to guard her or protect her. They stop in their tracks when they find the empty jail cell.

Shocking. *said sarcastically while holding a martini and adjusting my monocle*

Henry warns Emma that if Mary Margaret tries to leave Storybrooke something horrible will happen to her. *cough* Heart in a box *cough* Emma gets in her yellow bug and races off into the night.

Why isn't she driving the Sheriff's car? Who else has the car? She's the only officer in town?!

She almost runs over some hot looking guy in a long coat. He has a slightly injured foot, but claims to be alright. He introduces himself as Jefferson, but he already knows that she's the Sheriff. This is obvious because she's NOT driving the Sheriff's car, and she's NOT wearing a uniform.

Jefferson feels completely safe with Emma's hair, and accepts a ride back to his house in her yellow bug.

The fairytale version of Jefferson is running through the woods. I wonder how many times the writer's put in, RUNS THOUGH WOODS, in the scripts?

He hides behind a tree, but is soon found by his sweet little girl, Grace. The game of hide n' seek is over and it's time to forage for mushrooms to sell at the market. With a basket full of fungus, they arrive at their cottage only to find the Evil Queen's black carriage is waiting. The father tells Grace to hide in the woods.

Yes, Grace, hide like a ninja.




photo credit, blobzapit2ya

 

The Evil Queen greets him by his Storybrooke name, Jefferson. Interesting, he's the only character so far that has the same name for both worlds, he's also wearing the same leather pants.

She holds a patchwork doll, and makes fun of his humble abode. Which is ironic since her Halloween Bustier makes her the cheapest thing in the room. *stops typing to laugh*

Apparently Jefferson has a special skill the Evil Queen needs. He refuses her request, stating that he's turned to a life of honesty because of his daughter. The Evil Queen is adamant and thrusts a magical map in his face, asking him to help her get somewhere to get something.

Dear ABC,

You're killing me with the specifics. Be careful not to write yourself into a corner with all these 'somes' going on.

Emma's yellow bug pulls up to an impressive home. She asks Jefferson if he has a huge family, but he says it's only him. He hobbles up the stairs and invites her in for a cup of coffee. Emma and her hair follow him inside. She takes in the swanky surroundings—this hunky guy is rich and lives alone in a mansion. Why does this sound familiar?

NOT Mr. Darcy
photo credit, tumblr.com

He limps back in carrying a tray. Oh, it turns out he really meant coffee, and not a game of naked Twister. With his big ascot ties, puffy shirts, and tight leather pants, he also dresses like Mr. Darcy. Okay, I know Mr. Darcy didn't wear leather pants, but he could totally pull it off.

*looks out window lost in daydream about Mr. Darcy*

Jefferson hands Emma a ginormous mug and shows her a map of Storybrooke that he made, which of course is all he knows, since no one ever gets to leave. Emma is intrigued and thinks this will help her find Mary Margaret. She sips her drink and studies the map. Soon she starts to feel a little dizzy. Jefferson lies her down on the sofa. She notices his limp is gone, and he smiles as she go unconscious.

Holy frickin' 50 Shades of Grey. If Emma wakes up with her hands bound in grey neckties, I'm losing it.

Grace and Jefferson shop at the local market. She wants a stuffed rabbit from a creepy looking gypsy. Run away! Never buy a stuffed bunny from a creepy gypsy, everybody knows that! Jefferson is ashamed and saddened that he doesn't have enough money. However, Grace is super understanding, like every kid who has ever been told they can't have a toy. I think I saw her in Wal-mart NOT having a temper tantrum the other day.

Emma wakes up bound and gagged. But thankfully, she's been reading Nancy Drew, and she manages to untie herself. She discovers a telescope set up by the window, is pointed right at the Sheriff's office.

At least somebody's been watching the place. *adjusts monocle in a sarcastic manner*

Jefferson makes another patchwork doll for Grace. She's delighted and sets up a tea party for all the dolls, and asks her father to play. He tells her he's leaving to do some work and that she must stay with neighbors until he gets back.

Grace is worried it's about the Evil Queen and begs him not to go. He ignores her good advice because it makes sense. Jefferson promises he will come back for their tea party. He sends her off to the neighbors, and then takes an oval shaped box out of hiding.

Emma tiptoes down the hallway as Jefferson sharpens a pair of scissors. She slips into a room and finds Mary Margaret bound to a chair. She quickly unties her as Mary Margaret whispers about her abduction in the woods.

Try staying out of the woods at night, lady. *sips martini and rolls eyes*

Mary Margaret confesses there was a key under her cot. Before they can solve the case of the 'convenient key' Emma has bigger problems. Like how her super hair has gone flat in the rain and no longer awesome.

Without her big hair powers, Emma relies on smarts and sneaks down the hallway, using Mary Margaret as a shield from any scissors that might come flying at them. They don't get very far. Jefferson has a gun and makes Emma tie Mary Margaret back up since she's such a bad ass who could go all karate kid on him.

Guilt stricken he couldn't buy his daughter a rabbit, Jefferson decides to give the Evil Queen what she wants in return for a life of luxury for Grace. This makes complete sense to me. All good parents know that food, shelter, and love are not enough, material things are essential for a child's happiness as well.

With the Evil Queen clasping her hands with excitement, Jefferson opens the oval shaped box and takes out a top hat. It spins on the floor, creating a purple vortex. She insists he come with her, so together they jump into the tornado in search of what that 'something' the Evil Queen says is 'somewhere'.

Jefferson takes Emma to a room with shelves displaying identical top hats. He says he was saving Mary Margaret safe by keeping her in Storybrooke. He's been stuck in the house for the past twenty-eight years, until the night she showed up in town, and made the clock start to tick. She brought magic to Storybrooke.

She tells him he's insane because he's talking about magic.

*Gasp* Stupefy!

I think he crossed the crazy line way before, like when he drugged her, but hey, that's just me.

Jefferson is determined, and tells her to open her eyes, wake up and look around. Then he asks her to get it to work. Those last two sentences sound like everyone's morning before they get out of bed. What does he want Emma to work on? A magic wand? A time machine?

Nope. A hat. A magic hat.

The Evil Queen and Jefferson are surrounded by a room lined with different looking doors. They stand in front of a tall mirror and go over the rules for themselves, and for us, too. Here's the super important rule—everyone who goes in, has to come back.

Joseph slips through and she follows. In a scene from Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, they walk into a world full of giant mushrooms and tall grass. I hope a lawn mover doesn't come along. A huge caterpillar with a smoking problem greets them. Jefferson is not amused and says he hates Wonderland.

Here! Here! My good man. *adjusts monocle* I feel the same way about Mondays.

Emma stares at the work table covered in arts and crafts supplies trying to figure out how to make a hat. Macaroni and tinfoil necklace? Yes. But a magic top hat? Yikes.

Emma figures out that Jefferson thinks he's the Mad Hatter. He doesn't like her tone of voice. He asks what she thinks books are based on. Imagination? Where did that imagination come from?

That's easy silly, the Island Of Misfit Toys, of course.

Jefferson tells Emma she has to open her mind to other worlds. Some have magic, and some don't...blah, blah. *Yawn* Then he points the gun at her and says she and Mary Margaret aren't leaving until she makes him a hat that can send him home.

The Evil Queen and Jefferson stand in front of a hedge maze decorated with the Queen of Hearts emblem, which shockingly enough is a red heart. The Evil Queen burns a straight path through the maze—I don't think she gets the whole idea of a maze. She finds a vault and takes a box. Hmm...someone's heart perchance?

They easily escape the guards and race back to the tall mirror. The Evil Queen rips off a small piece of mushroom and puts it into the box. Purple smoke escapes and her father, Henry Senior, appears fully dressed and looking perfectly healthy.

Quick, grab one for Schmexy!

Let's recap. The 'something' the Evil Queen was looking for was her father. He'll also be the 'something' she'll kill later on, to carry out her curse.

The Evil Queen explains that the Queen of Hearts stole her father as a way to punish her. Jefferson realizes he's now stuck in Wonderland since Henry is taking his ticket through the mirror. Remember the rule? If two go in, two must come out.

He pleads that his daughter is waiting for him back home. The Evil Queen tells him it's his fault, he should never have abandoned his family.

Or trust the Evil Queen.

Or get uptight about material things.

Or assume that he knows what makes his daughter happier than she does.

The guards arrive and drag Jefferson to see the Queen of Hearts. She has a voice like gravel, hides behind a red veil, has huge ears, and uses something that looks like a trunk to speak to her interpretor. Elephant?! She also hates the Evil Queen and calls her Regina.

Shot in the dark, I'm guessing these two are sisters.

Anyway, back to the story, The Queen of Hearts growls, 'off with his head.' Jefferson remains alive, as a head suspended in the air. He tells the Queen of Hearts about the magic hat that brought him to her world. Apparently this is something she finds intriguing. For eternity it is his task to make another.

The next morning Emma hands Jefferson a finished hat, which is pretty impressive workmanship, I think. But it's useless because it isn't magic. Jefferson then walks Emma over to the telescope. His daughter, Grace, lives with another family, not realizing he's her real father.

Dear ABC,

I thought when people remembered bad things happened.

Poor, Schmexy, there is no justice.

Jefferson is cursed to remember his life in fairytale land. He's trapped by the conflicting realities in his head, and it drives him mad. All he wants is a magic hat to help him kidnap, sorry, I mean take Grace back to his world.

Emma sympathizes with the separated-from-your-child thing. She starts to have her own break down and believes what he's saying.

Huh? This crazy stranger who drugged her, pointed a gun at her, and forced her to labor all night, is the only one to make her believe?!

He turns to get the hat and Emma knocks him out with the telescope.

Yay! Go, Nancy Drew!

She runs down the hall and unties Mary Margaret. Jefferson arrives wearing the top hat and wrestles with Emma. His ascot gets pulled off, revealing a scar all the way around his neck. He smashes through the window and falls from the second story. When Emma leans out the window and looks down, all that remains is the top hat.

That's how the movie Halloween ended, too.

Mary Margaret and Emma sneak out of the house and retrieve the hat. Emma gives her the keys to the yellow bug, saying it's her decision to run away.

Light bulb moment! That's why she couldn't drive the Sheriff's car.

Emma begins a speech about NOT running away, and trusting the people who take care of you. She tells Mary Margaret she's the only one who has ever really been there for her. There's also that stand-up-to-the-Mayor thing, too.

Speaking of...the Mayor arrives and sees Mary Margaret in her jail cell, innocently reading a newspaper article about her guilt. She meets with Mr. Gold in the hallway, which is totally deserted and perfect for making sinister plans because no one works there but Emma. Apparently Mr. Gold and the Mayor made a deal to get Mary Margaret convicted of murder.

Why do these two even trust each other? All they do is lie to each other!!

Henry is at school, sitting on a bench. Emma arrives and let's him know Mary Margaret is safe and sound in jail. Grace walks by and waves at Henry, except Henry knows her as Paige. Emma recognizes her as the girl Jefferson is convinced is his daughter. She looks at the pictures in the storybook, unnerved by the unmistakable resemblance to Jefferson and his daughter.

In a castle dungeon, the Mad Hatter sews hundreds of hats, slowly going crazy.

Emma asks Henry if she can keep the book for a few days, and he's hands it over, more than excited. What?! You mean she's never looked at it before?!

*finishes martini and stomps off*

What do you think the Queen of Hearts is hiding behind the veil?

Cheers!