The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 4, "Tiaras, Speedos and Levels"

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It's now down to thirteen fellas and it's time for the world tour of dating to begin.

First stop for the hopeful dopes is Atlantic City!

Ben, 'the hot dad' says it will be a chance to get to know Des on a totally different level.

Right.

Des is enjoying all the free trips and attention. “It's all worth it if I end up with the right guy, plus I get to see thirteen hot guys in this beautiful city.”

Man, Shakespeare couldn't have said it any better.

Drew forgot to button up his shirt again.
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Drew tells us, “Traveling with the one you love is like taking the relationship to the next level.”

Level. Level. WTH? Are we playing Super Mario Brothers?

Brad, 'the shy dad' is chosen to go on a solo date.

When Des arrives to pick him up, all the guys stay sitting on the couch.

Dear Fellas,

Real gentlemen stand when a lady enters the room...or even a bachelorette.

Love,

Aunt Bethany

Des and Brad spend the afternoon on the boardwalk playing carnival games and eating junk food. They raid a chocolate factory and eat gobs of treats right off the treadmill. I'm sure the hairnet wearing workers are really enjoying the gluttony.

While they enjoy their bottled picnic in the sand, she tries to take things a little deeper and asks him what he's looking for in a partner.

Brad tells her, “I'm looking for someone who is sweet and would be a good mom.” Then he looks at the sand, and then back up at the sky. “Today was fun.”

She goes, “Yeah.”

Dinner has about as much chemistry as a grade ten English class.

She tries to get him to open up again. He pokes at his chicken and white wine sauce and says, “I'm looking for someone who is sweet. You're sweet.” Then he mumbles something about how fun it was to go on all the rides earlier.

“Yeah,” Des says through a smile with no teeth. “Cool.”

Shockingly, Brad does not get a rose. Des tells the camera she needs a love that can light the dark, and even though she likes Brad, she doesn't see them staying together forever.

Exactly, Des. Because we all know that the final choice on this show is ALWAYS the one that lasts forever.

Brad is crushed. I hope he finds a librarian to improve his vocabulary.

It's time for the group date! Egads, I'm almost too scared to watch. At least it can't be worse than the rap video.

They guys meet Des at a theatre and the Host explains that they will be competing in a Mr. America pageant.

Michael, the diabetic says, “When I was a little boy, all I dreamed about was being Mr. America.”

Yup. He said, Mr. America, not Captain America. Hey, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with being gay, but there's something wrong with being gay and signing up for a reality show where you compete with other guys for the affection of one girl.

FYI, the next ten minutes I spent watching the guys get ready for the pageant is something I will regret on my death bed.

The guys pick out various 'items' for their 'talent.'

There are high heels, hula hoops, a ukulele, and ...God! The eyes are burning out of my head. This is so stupid!

Unfortunately, there is also a bathing suit portion of the competition.

They bring in the audience and if I'm not mistaken I believe I see Tierra and Ashlee in the audience. Oh my nerves. Cut the cord, ladies.

 

During the 'question and answer' session, Chris, my Henry Cavill look alike, is charmingly dumb. But Juan drops a bomb shell and mentions his daughter.

What the heck? Did we know this? What's up with all the single dads?

Mikey T gives us some incredible insight into the male brain, he says, “From personal experience, all woman see is the body, the meat-head, the guy who likes to workout. They can't see our insides. They don't know we cry inside. We like long walks on the beach...you really need to understand someone inside and out.”

To understand Mikey T better, I've included an MRI of his intestines.
 

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The talent portion didn't go much better.

Mikey T has clearly been watching Magic Mike waaaay too much and does his own strip tease. Brooks is horrible on the ukulele, but he smashes it on the stage and gets a lot of laughs. Christ twirls hula hoops in high heels. Bryden, cro-magnon man, basically picks up where Mikey T left off and pelvic thrusts his way into the audience's hearts.

Ick. Yuck. Repeat.

The swimsuit competition is next and these guys spend A LOT of time at the gym...OMG! Just like Mikey T said. I wonder how their intestines look?

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And the winner is...Kacey!

Who cares?

After the pageant it's time for a pool party. Yup. Another pool party.

Des says, “I'm excited to see the guys and see where their heads are at.”

*Insert obvious obnoxious joke here*

After taking off his high heels, Chris wants to show his serious side. He takes Des aside and reads her a poem he wrote about their first kiss.

I wrote about their first kiss too. I used the word, awkward.

Bryden tells the camera he's so sick of Ben and his sneaky ways. The guys take turns cutting up Ben up like a pack of gossip girls.

News Flash! Ben is this season's Tierra...minus the sparkle.

Zak gets out his guitar again and finishes the song he started during the talent show. It goes on for awhile. Des looks like she misses Brad.

I miss the time I'll never get back.

Des gives the date rose to...Zak.

Bryden doesn't understand how his public pelvic thrusting could have let him down.

Yeah, 'cause that usually fixes every other situation in life.

James gels up his hair and gets super excited for his solo date with Des. Again, she enters the room and no one stands up.

Obviously, none of the guys are taking my advice.

For the solo date they take a helicopter over the most devastated areas of New Jersey because of hurricane Sandy. They walk around some of the streets and get a chance to meet a couple who lived through the storm. Manny and Jan give them a tour of their completely gutted home.

I can't think of a more romantic date.

James says, “I feel sorry for these people who have gone through this major, major disaster.”

What he's thinking, “Am I getting a rose at the end of this frickin' thing?”

Des decides to give her solo Atlantic City date to the couple because it's The Bachelorette and the cameras are rolling.

And she's probably nice, too.

After the couple leave in the limo, James tells us, “Experiencing this with Des has brought our relationship to a whole new level.”

Level...where have I heard that before?

We watch Manny and Jan's date and we get a lesson on how people are supposed to talk during dinner. They use complete sentences and ask each other questions, while the other listens and replies with words longer than one syllable. No one says the word 'level'.

Des figures out that you don't need a lot of money to be happy or to be in love. James is overwhelmed by her philosophy and confesses that he cheated on his girlfriend in college.

He says, “A man can't love until his heart has been broken.”

“Has your heart been broken?” she asks him.

He tears up and nods.

Meanwhile, Manny and Jan find out that Des has photo shopped and worked on their soggy wedding photo album that was destroyed by the storm.

Wow! That was fast. I thought she was having beer and pizza with James.

Manny and Jan continue with their date and get a private concert with Hootie and the Blowfish. At least I think it was them.

When is the hot tub scene?

Des gives the rose to James and they join the concert. They make out while dancing as Manny and Jan watch.

Uncomfortable. *Whistles at sky*

The guys get ready for the rose ceremony by having cocktails. Bryden is having doubts and is wearing his lemon face.

Michael takes Des aside and spells out her name while giving each letter a quality that personifies her. It works, they kiss.

She and Chris talk about being friends and they kiss like friends DON'T kiss.

Bryden lets her know that he's feeling kind of left out and he wonders if she wants to kiss him like a friend. Des tells him that she wants him to stay, but they don't make out.

Hmm...

*Fast forward*

There's only one rose left. Who will go home, Mikey T, or some guy who I don't even recognize? It's the guy I don't recognize.

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Oh, it's Zach...the publisher. The publisher got rejected! He says, “I'm shocked. Something that I thought was great, actually isn't great and won't work.”

Why do I have the feeling that's his standard rejection letter to writers?

He weeps in the limo and rejected writers everywhere celebrate.