Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 14, “Manhattan”

 

Or better title, “Who's Yo Daddy?”

Rumpelstiltskin enters his cottage and gives Mela the good news that he's been called up to fight in the ogre wars. She's afraid because well, duh, it's ogres and everything, but he convinces her his heroism will bring great honor to their little abode.

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Emma, Mr. Gold and Henry arrive at Bellfire's apartment in NYC.

The Mayor and Cora have a mother/daughter chat in the bedroom. Hook shows up and the Mayor explains to him (and us) that they can't leave Storybrooke to run down Mr. Gold, but Cora tells them this is the perfect time to use the one thing that he's defenceless against—the dagger.

Emma sees a guy take off out the fire escape. She yells to Mr. Gold and Henry that this MUST be Baelfire.

Of course it is.

Emma switches into Charlie's Angels gear and manages to tackle him after three blocks.

Yes, I totally called it! It's Emma's ugly faced boyfriend.

'Neil' tells Emma that he has never forgiven Mr. Gold for abandoning him.

Emma freaks out since Henry is now officially Rumpelstiltskin's grandson. He denies knowing who she really was when they met, but only found out her true identity after August showed up and opened his wooden box of doom, and showed him one neatly typed line, “I know you are Baelfire.”

I can't believe I've been writing it wrong all this time.

She says, “You gave me up because of Pinochhio”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I said that.

Emma decides to keep Henry's existence a secret. Then for symbolic reasons, she rips off the necklace that was part of the key chain Neil gave her, and tells him it was a reminder to never trust anyone.

But, alas she has to keep her promise to Mr. Gold and deliver Baelfire.

Rumpelstiltskin is asked to guard a prisoner that can help turn the tides of the ogre war.

I hope he doesn't mess this up.

He lifts the flap and sees a child with their eyes sewn shut.

My kids screamed at this scene.
 

 

She begs Rumpelstiltskin for water. He is resistant, but when the little girl tells him Mela is already pregnant, he is intrigued. He gives her water and she tells him his actions on the battlefield will leave his son fatherless.

He gets angry since the whole point of going to war is to prove he isn't a coward, but he didn't sign up to die before his son is even born.

Emma calls Mary Margaret for advice about Baelfire. She tries to convince Emma to tell Henry the truth, but when Emma joins Henry and Mr. Gold, she tells them Baelfire got away.

The Mayor decides to pay Belle a visit in hopes of finding the dagger with his name. She puts Belle to sleep magically and then makes all the contents of her purse whirl through the air.

For the record, Nancy Drew could have done the same thing without magic.

The Mayor finds a slip of paper with a numerical code. With help from Cora and Hook, she searches the library and finds a hand drawn map...a treasure map.
 

Despite Emma's objections, Mr. Gold breaks into Baelfire's apartment.

Rumpelstiltskin learns about the next days battle and the little girl's prophecy is coming true. Convinced he's gong to die the next day and leave his son fatherless, he purposely breaks his foot in order to be deemed unfit to fight.

In Baelfire's apartment Mr. Gold can tell Emma is lying to him. He gets all up in her face for breaking their deal when Baelfire bursts into the room.

Rumpelstiltskin limps home to find Mela holding baby Baelfire. He's overjoyed but she confronts him about hurting himself on purpose, and bringing shame on their family. He asks her what he was supposed to do.

She's disgusted with him and says, “You could have fought. You could have died.”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I said that.
 

 

Baelfire demands Mr. Gold leave his apartment. Mr. Gold picks up on the obvious clue when she calls him 'Neil'. After a lot of shouting, Henry comes out of hiding. Baelfire does the math and asks if Henry is his son.

Emma drops the bomb shell leaving the three fellas gobsmacked.

Greg, the guy who ran Hook over with his car, is allowed to wander the hospital and take videos with his phone. While the Mayor was unnecessarily making Belle's purse hover in the air, he managed to film it and e-mail it to his wife.

 

Cora and the Mayor take give each other high fives after Hook decodes the treasure map. Once they have the dagger, they will control the Dark One, and then he can kill Emma, Mary Margaret, and anyone else they don't like. Henry will go back to live with the Mayor, la dee da, and all will be as it should.

Yup. That's iron clad.

Mr. Gold tells Baelfire that there is no greater pain than regret. He propositions Baelfire to return to Storybrooke where, surprise... there's magic! Then they can start over and forget all that Dark One nonsense.

But Baelfire isn't buying it and he reminds Mr. Gold how he let him get sucked into the vortex instead of giving up magic.

Rumpelstiltskin wanders the forest as the Dark One. He meets up with the seer, who is now a young woman. He blames her for being light on the details about her first prediction. She tells him he will find his son again, but the path won't be an easy one and it will take many years.

He gets tired of her riddles and decides to take away her power of sight so he can 'see' for himself.

Baelfire and Henry bond on the fire escape as Mr. Gold watches, reliving all his mistakes.

Before she dies, the seer tells Rumpelstiltskin that a boy will lead him to his son, but the boy will be his undoing. After hearing that Rumpelstiltskin vows to kill this 'boy'.

Well, that's unlikely now, isn't it.


Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Emma's eye make-up.

Cora's 'modern' look. Seriously, check out the lovely wavy hair.

FINALLY seeing what August was hiding inside the box.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

If Mr. Gold can magically fix Dr. Frankenstein's severed arm, why can't he fix his limp?

How I misspelled Baelfire's name in every previous recap.

How the Sheriff is still missing.

There were no unicorns.

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 12 "Brothers"

Or better title, "Just A Regular Guy"

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Belle has lost her memory. A panicked Mr. Gold tires to reassure her it's totally fine that he's able to heal her gunshot wound with magic.

Mary Margaret, Emma and David arrive to find Hook bloodied and still ready to fight Mr. Gold. An ambulance arrives in the speed of light as if it was scripted or something. The paramedics flash a light into the car, but no one recognizes the dude.

Poo. I was hoping for the Sheriff.

Dr. Whale sits at Storybrooke's emergency brooding over a glass of scotch.

We're treated to a black and white flashback. Dr. Frankenstein had an overbearing father who favored his younger brother. Not only was he second choice, but dear old dad, refused to believe in his experiments with cadavers and lightening.

Cora would have understood.

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Hook and the crash victim are rushed to the hospital. Belle is put in a room and sedated, freaking out that Mr. Gold is the dude she regularly makes out with. Dr. Whale tries to calm everyone down with a glass of scotch.

Emma interrogates Hook with her fists.

Yikes!

Hook can't help but flirt, but Emma reminds him that he not only pissed off the only guy in town who can use magic, is immortal, but he also tried to kill his chick.

Emma hacks into the car accident guys iPhone; his name is Greg and he seems really boring. Mary Margaret and David worry that other regular people will start coming to Storybrooke.

Bad news for the Blue Fairy because her Head Nun disguise is not fooling anyone.

Also, the Mayor and Cora are missing.

*Rubs hands together*

Dr. Whale announces to the room that Greg, the regular guy, is bleeding internally and may die. He asks Mr. Gold to hocus pocus him back to health. Mr. Gold mentions that since Greg saw him use a little magic he'll blow the whistle on Storybrooke and their town will be in danger.

A long pointless debate ensues; let the guy die and save Storybrooke, or try and save him and see what horrible things will happen.

Really? They're afraid of a regular guy?

Rumpelstiltskin pays a visit to Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. He's interested to know the secrets of reanimation since he only has the power of dark magic. He leaves a pile of gold to help Dr. Frankenstein continue his work.

He utters these last famous words, “Igor, we're going to need a body.”

Wow! If I had a nickel for every time I said that on a Saturday night.

Mr. Gold mopes about his shop, crying into the chipped cup. Cora arrives and offers to help find his son, if he helps her find the mayor.

She brings him a 'magical globe' that will pin point Bellfire's location. She's so sweet and they shake on the deal, and then they kiss.

ARGH! Look away! Oh God, too late. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion.

Dr. Frankenstein digs up a body but is interrupted by his brother, trying to convince him that stealing corpses for science is wrong. A shot rings out from the guy who patrols the graveyard at night...I guess. Both brothers jump into a waiting carriage and escape. Frankie soon notices that his brother isn't very talkative, and that the blood stain on his chest indicates he's been shot, like in the heart...and is now dead.

Emma is concerned when Greg's cell phone keeps ringing. The others are worried that the regular guy's girlfriend will also come to Storybrooke. That means two regular people will be in Storybrooke.

I can't imagine the wild plot lines that will develop.

*Yawn*

Emma and the gang realize Dr. Whale has left the hospital. And NOT trying to save Greg, like he promised.

Dr. Frankenstein is upset when his attempt to electrocute his brother back to life has failed. Dear dad arrives and gives a slice of terrible acting, blaming Dr. Frankenstein for killing his brother.

There's more father/son/death issues here than a Tim Burton movie.

Cora sneaks around the Mayors house looking for clues. Meanwhile, Henry sneaks around the cemetery and enters the Mayor's secret vault. She lets him into her room of mirrors. She pleads her innocence, and Henry looks unimpressed. Then Henry turns into Cora.

Busted.

Dr. Frankenstein is paid another visit by Rumpelstiltskin. He promises him an enchanted heart that will withstand the blast of lightening, all in return for pulling a prank on Regina, making her think her dear Daniel, can be brought back to life.

Cora pleads with the Mayor, that she loves her and understands why she tried to kill her...like over and over again. The Mayor demands that Cora go into town and confess to the kidnapping of Dr. Hopper. She agrees and I really hope something super awesome happens.

Ruby and her wolf nose, find Dr. Whale ready to jump to his death. She catches him in the last second.

Dr. Frankenstein uses an enchanted heart from Storybrooke and animates his brother. Dear old dad is so excited, but he gets too close with the candle. The brother freaks out and attacks the dad, killing him with his fists.
 

Dr. Whale explains to Ruby that magic always comes with a price. Ruby replies with the best line of the season so far. “I'm a werewolf, I ate my boyfriend.”

Seriously. I'm not kidding.

The Mayor and Cora drive into town. Like any good mother, Cora uses this time to point out that Henry will never be hers as long as Mary Margaret and Emma keep bringing up all the stuff she did as the Evil Queen. The Mayor dissolves into tears, knowing her mother is the only one who can help her get Henry back.

Dr. Frankenstein speaks with his zombie brother, and realizes he is a tortured monster. He brings a gun to end his life, but is unable to pull the trigger. He leaves his brother in a cell.

Gee, kind of a no win situation.

Dr. Whale returns to the hospital and saves Greg, the regular guy.

Mr. Gold brings the chipped cup to Belle, hoping it will bring her memory back. He talks about castles and is insisted it's a magical talisman. Belle, frustrated with the lack of hospital security smashes the cup and asks the ugly old guy to leave.

Emma interviews Greg, the regular guy. She's all worried that he saw some magic, even though magic doesn't exist in Storybrooke—only when it does. But her fears are put to rest when Greg confesses that he was texting and didn't see anything weird.

Mr. Gold uses the magical globe thingy and gets the location of Bellfire. Emma has breakfast with Henry who explains to everyone that Dr. Frankenstein isn't even a fairytale, so if he's in Storybrooke, well, gosh, that means anything can happen.

Mr. Gold arrives and tells Emma it's time to cash in on the favor she promised when he let Cinderella keep her baby.

Yeah, I know. Where is she these days?

Emma has to pack a bag and take him traveling. He promises everyone in the room if anything bad happens to Belle while he's away,  he'll kill them all.

Harsh much?

Meanwhile, Greg the regular guy, calls his honey and let's her know he's stuck in wackoville where magic only exists when it's convenient.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Mary Margaret's eye make-up

Hook's stubble.

Cora disguising herself as Henry.

Dr. Frankenstein's brother—Meow!

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

How Grumpy tagged along for no reason.

Cora and Mr. Gold's kiss. *Gag*

How the Sheriff DID NOT show up....AGAIN!

 

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 11 “The Outsider”

Or better title, "Because Of You, I Crossed The Line"

I'm so excited! The Outsiders is one of my favorite books!!! Is Matt Dillon making an appearance?

 



Dallas is coming to Storybrooke!
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A big ole' Pontiac pulls up to Storybrooke's town limits.

We know it's the boundary because the dwarfs spray painted a bright red line....the vandals.
 

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Mr. Gold takes Bill Smead out of the trunk and unties him.

We know it's Bill Smead because he's wearing the obnoxiously, obvious red cap. Bill begs not to be pushed over the line since he'll lose his mind just like the pharmacist (Sneezy).

Bill has about 150 lbs on Mr. Gold, plus Mr. Gold uses a cane to walk. Can't he just punch him of something?

Mr. Gold whacks him in the knee with his fighting stick (the cane). He takes the obnoxiously obvious red cap and sprinkles it with magic liquid. Bill tells Mr. Gold the hat is special because his grandmother made it for him.

Mr. Gold kicks Bill over the line. But Bill doesn't go crazy, in fact he remembers everything.

The experiment works! 

Mary Margaret gives the eulogy for Dr. Hopper—who is actually bound and gagged in Hook's ship. The Dalmatian wines.

I thought dogs were super smart when it comes to fake bodies in your master's coffin.

Hook interrogates Dr. Hopper about Rumpelstiltskin's greatest weakness. This is a cue for the next scene.

Belle enters Mr. Gold's shop where he's waiting to give her some exciting news. He explains to her— and us—that by sprinkling the liquid on an object you hold most dear, it becomes a talisman that allows you to cross the town lines while still keeping your memory. He's ready to go looking for his son, Bellfire.

That's going to be confusing isn't it? Belle and Bellfire?

He opens a safe and shows Belle, Bellfire's (see it's already confusing) shawl. It's the last thing he has of his son.

Wow! I hope Hook doesn't find out about this.

Mr. Gold tells Belle that he only has enough potion for one object.

Wow! I hope it doesn't get wasted. Geez, there is so much to chance.

Belle enjoys a pint of grog at the local Ale House. The townsfolk are in a tizzy about a dangerous beast they're hoping to round up and kill. Grumpy, who is still Dreamy at this point, tells Belle he's super excited to be secretly eloping with his true love, Nova the clumsy fairy.

Where is Nova, anyway?

Dreamy thinks it would be giggles and fun times if Belle joined the hunters to take down the beast. Belle looks pained and explains that she prefers books—besides she already hooked up with a Beast and it didn't end so well.

But he convinces her because his positive attitude is contagious. Before Belle leaves on her super fun adventure, Dreamy gives her a sack of fairy dust. She's hesitant since magic turned Rumpelstiltskin all crazy and mean. Dreamy insists she take it because good magic is different than dark magic.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Belle struts down Main Street and opens Storybrooke's library by pulling on the door and walking in. Hook startles her. She tells him the library isn't opened yet. And by closed she means the door isn't locked. 


Don't think about the absurdity too much, just accept it and move on.

When Hook steps out of the shadows, she recognizes him from when he visited her cell in the Queen's castle. He explains that he's after Rumpelstiltskin, but her death will do nicely as well.

Belle manages to easily turn over a bookcase, making it crash on top of Hook. She enters the wacky elevator that leads to the dungeon, where the dragon is rotting from when Emma killed it last season.

I bet it smells bad.

She calls Mr. Gold, but the reception is so bad he has no clue that she's being attacked by a one handed pirate.

Belle studies a book while the hunters tease her about reading and letters and stuff. In fact, she happens to be reading about the very beast they're hunting. She also happens to be wearing a low cut tunic. She tells them to go to the lake, and then the hunters kick her off the waggon.

Right. 'Cause men HATE having a good looking chick with her boobs popping out of her shirt.

But getting kicked off is part of Belle's plan—the beast actually lives in the mountains. And it takes her two minutes to find it's lair. Armed with a book, a dagger, and about three feet of cleavage, Belle enters the beasts cave.

She steps on a stick, the silly goose. The fiery beast comes out! It's so ferocious it roars at Belle, and then runs away. Mulan shows up all pissy because Belle's loud stick spooked the beast just as she was aiming her arrow to kill. It took her a month to track it down, damnit!
 

Mulan doesn't like Belle, her book, or her cleavage. She stomps away in a huff.

Mr. Gold rescues Belle and listens with gritted teeth while she tells him about Hook.

As everyone snacks on egg salad sandwiches at Mary Margaret's apartment, Henry is totally bummed about his adoptive mom killing Dr Hopper. Grumpy brings up the topic of returning to the enchanted forest. And what would happen if someone from the real world decided to pay a visit?

*cough* foreshadowing *cough*

Belle tries to convince Mr. Gold not to kill Hook. Mr. Gold explains how his wife, Mila ran away with Hook, breaking his heart, and Bellfire's.

Of course he left out the part about him ripping her heart out.

Pfft. Details. Who needs them?
 

Mr. Gold finds his shop has been ransacked. The safe is empty. Hook watches from a roof top as Bill Smead hands over Bellfire's shawl. Now Mr. Gold is trapped in Storybrooke.

Belle wants to exert her independence and help Mr. Gold hunt down Hook. Instead, Mr. Gold convinces her to wait it out in the library...with a gun.

Overdue charges has a whole new meaning.
 

Belle is bullied at a local waterhole by the hunters she tricked.

Mulan shows up and pulls a Princess Xena, knocking out most of the men and scattering the rest. She gets a flesh wound, but shrugs it off. Mulan wants to find the beast and she knows Belle's book will lead the way quickly. “You track it, and I'll kill it,” she tells Belle.

Let's order pizza for supper instead.

Belle cleans up the library and finds a knotted bit of rope. She flips through a nautical text and finds the same knot.

Books are the answer!

She keenly deduces that Hook came to Storybrooke on his ship.

Sure...or a million other possibilities.

Bill Smead is packed for a trip out of Storybrooke when he's confronted by Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold does the Darth Vader invisible choking grip as Bill confesses that he gave the shawl to Hook. Mr. Gold changes him into a rat.

Scabbers!

Fifty points for Gryffindor!

Belle stands on the wharf looking for a pirate ship. Seagulls perch in mind air. She takes a few steps and breaks through the invisibility shield.

Hey, where's Cora during all of this?

Belle finds Dr. Hopper! It was so convenient how his gag had slipped down so he could scream. Belle tells him to run and give the latest to Mr. Gold while she stays on the ship—there may be some books on board.

Poor Henry is still sad. Emma bursts into Mary Margaret's kitchen with the Dalmatian who still hasn't lead anyone to the ship yet.

Henry is instantly cured of his sadness. Mary Margaret applauds Emma's motherly instincts, but suggests they start to look for a bigger house. She'd like some private sexy time with David, and that's hard if there are no walls.

Belle is caught snooping by Hook. He holds Bellfire's shawl, and snatches away her gun.

How does he even know how to work a handgun?

Belle and Mulan move through the night forest. Belle's book of answers has led them to the beast's latest site of carnage (although the trail of fire was a hint as well). Mulan's wound is making her weak. Belle has to be the one to kill the beast.

Belle stands up to Hook and engages him in a conversation. Hook gets all sentimental over the shawl since Mila had made it. When Belle refuses to budge on her opinion of Mr. Gold, he tells her that Rumpelstiltskin killed Mila by ripping out her heart.

Wow! That will teach Mila a lesson.

Belle preaches that Mr. Gold has changed...blah, blah...and that his heart is true, no matter how many women he's killed, or people he's beaten or maimed.

Dear ABC,

You've sent the women's movement back by thirty years.

Belle uses a loose board to hit Hook, and she escapes with the shawl. But he's so sneaky, he manages to block her off on the deck. And guess what? Mr. Gold is there too, with his fighting stick.

Belle gets the attention of the fiery beast by yelling, “Over here.” Luckily the beast understands English. It follows her and gets caught in her booby trap. No, not that booby trap. I mean the big thing of water that spills over him.

The beast begins to melt! He scrawls calligraphy in the dirt. He's human! 

*Closes eyes and prays, "Please be the huntsman.*

Belle takes out her sack of fairy dust and sprinkles it over the dying beast. Poof! Up stands a fully clad Prince...Prince Phillip!!!

He thanks Belle and says an evil witch cursed him to keep him from finding his true love, Aurora.

As Mr. Gold bludgeons Hook with his cane, Belle plays the 'there's good in you' card, and he finally stops. Leering into Hook's bloodied face, he tells him to leave Storybrooke forever.

Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen.

Again, where's Cora?

And where's the Mayor?

Henry tries to convince Emma that they should start stalk piling weapons in case the Mayor comes after them next. Before you can say, “Kill a loved one! Who do you think she is, Mr. Gold?” Dr. Hopper arrives to tell them the good news that he's alive, and that Cora was his kidnapper, not the Mayor.

Mr. Gold drives up with Belle to the town line. He tells her how much he appreciates her helping him. Belle does her usual, 'I'll never give up, you're worth fighting for. I believe in you...'

Belle introduces Prince Phillip to Mulan. She turns down their offer to make it a threesome (dirty minds) instead, she takes her book and says she needs to face another beast. But as she reaches the crest of the hill, the Evil Queen is waiting. And Belle is taken prisoner.

Belle wraps Bellfire's shawl around Mr. Gold. He crosses the town line and looks dazed for a moment. Then he turns and says her name.

Hooray! I hope he cleaned the blood off his cane for his big trip to the city.

Belle gives him a kiss and promises to be waiting for his return. There is a gun shot and Belle falls across the line into Mr. Gold's arms.

Hook stands behind them looking satisfied. Belle has lost her memory. Mr. Gold is frantic.

Suddenly, a car's headlights come out of the darkness. Mr. Gold pulls Belle off the road. Hook gets hit and the car spins out of control, coming to a stop against a rock.

The Pennsylvania license plate refers to Florida.

*cough* Emma's ugly faced boyfriend. *cough*

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

Mary Margaret's outfit at the funeral.

The Prince Phillip story line.

How Mulan kicked those dirt bag hunters butts.

The ending with Hook showing up, plus the car thing.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

Bill Smead's cap (it makes me sneeze).

How Belle keeps forgiving Mr. Gold, even when he beats the crap out of everyone.

How there's not supposed to be any magic, but there is.

Sheriff Graham STILL did not return.

Who do you think is in the car from Pennsylvania?






 

Once Upon A Time, Episode 4, Season 2, “The Crocodile”

Or better title, “The Obnoxiously Obvious Red Cap”

This is how the country song starts...
photo credit, fanpop.com

Mr. Gold gives Belle a diamond necklace for their night on the town.

Hmm, I usually get a babysitter.

Grumpy barges into the shop asking for his axe back, throwing out accusations that the store is full of things stolen from people. Mr. Gold sneers, then attacks Grumpy as a glittery Rumpelstiltskin.

Oh, wait...never mind. Belle's dreaming. And since she's in skimpy lingerie, a walk outside in the dark is completely understandable.

She spies on Mr. Gold, experimenting with spun gold, like in a magic way. This makes complete sense because no magic exists in Storybrooke.

A fresh faced Rumpelstiltskin comes home to find his young son, Bellfire all alone. His wife, Mila is at the local tavern being sociable with a group of fellas on leave from the pirate ship. Cruelly, she calls him out in front of the crowd, proclaiming how he didn't go to the ogre wars, forcing her to a life of shame.

Oh, that again.

She's sick of being known as the village coward's wife, and begs him to move away to a new place where they can start over. But he refuses and asks her to stay for Bellfire's sake.

Belle confronts Mr. Gold about his late night basement activities and wants to know the real reason he brought magic to Storybrooke. He evades her question, but she sees through his lies, and tells him he needs courage, not magic.

Rumpelstiltskin is terrified to discover Mila has been kidnapped by the pirates. He manages to hobble onto their ship, but the Captain—make that Mr. Sexy Eyes Captain—declares Mila is now the ship's concubine, and Rumpelstiltskin will have to sword fight for her. Shaking in his raggedy cloak, Rumpelstiltskin chickens out, knows he'd be a kabob before he could say, 'Peter Pan'.

Sheriff who?
photo credit,

David steps in as the new Sheriff. This seems useless, but I'll go with it because Captain Sexy Eyes has filled my heart with sunshine and rainbows. Seriously, this guy has so much swag he makes Jefferson look like wallpaper.

Mr. Gold gets worried when he can't find Belle. He pays a visit to the town florist—aka, Belle's fairytale dad, but he's clueless to here whereabouts as well.

A scruffy stranger, in an obnoxiously obvious red knit cap, visits a glittery Rumpelstiltskin in a shady pub. The stranger knows Rumpelstiltskin is looking for a porthole between magical worlds and tells him he's in possession of a magic bean that can create such a vortex.

In return, the stranger asks for eternal youth, but Rumpelstiltskin tells him only the gold speckled Dark One can have eternal life (well, him and Dick Clark). However, he offers to turn back the clock and make him younger, into a boy again.

*cough* Peter Pan *cough*

Rumpelstiltskin can't believe his luck when Captain Sexy Eyes walks into the tavern.

Hi, Cappy! You totally rock in all that jewelry.

Belle manages to stay hidden in the town's only eating establishment. Red strikes up a conversation with her, but neither talk about the weird fact they're both from an enchanted forest.

Red hooks her up with a place to stay, and a job at the library. Charged to be an independent woman, Belle checks out the boarded up windows of the library.

Psst, there's also a dead dragon in the basement.

The stranger and his sidekick (his red cap) show up and easily kidnap her in broad daylight on main street.

Rumpelstiltskin waits outside the tavern for Captain Sexy Eyes. The pirates back down when they realize he's the Dark One. Rumpelstiltskin asks about Mila, and the captain tells him she's dead. With revenge on his mind, Rumpelstiltskin requests a rematch of their sword fight.

Mr. Gold asks David to help him look for Belle. David should jump at this, since he's always looking for magic, and Mr. Gold happens to be the only person in town (other than the Mayor) who dabbles in hocus pocus.

Captain Sexy Eyes arrives for the sword fight, and we're treated to some bad choreography.

Hey, no one claimed this was The Princess Bride.

Rumpelstiltskin gives a moving victim impact statement about how it ripped his heart out to have his wife stolen. Captain Sexy Eyes is ready to fight to the death, but a voice screams from the shadows begging Rumpelstiltskin to stop. Mila stands defiant, dressed in enough black leather for the next Matrix movie.

The stranger takes Belle to her father. They hug, and then there's this awkward conversation about how she fell in love with the Dark One while she was his prisoner.

Um...time for a history lesson. Back in fairytale land, Belle's dad put her up in a tower when Rumpelstiltskin set her free. Then he had 'Doctors' perform 'tests' to rid her of the evil. Gross. Click here for the details.

Belle is adamant that she'll decide who she wants to kidnap her, thank you very much. Dad gives the stranger the 'secret signal' and Belle is once again kidnapped.

Holy crap! If Emma was in this episode, Belle would already be target practising at the firing range,.

David interviews several people about Belle, but since Mr. Gold has terrorized half of the town, no one is super keen on helping him find his girlfriend. Things get really desperate when Mr. Gold asks David for dating advice.

Rumpelstiltskin discovers Mila ran away with the pirates on purpose and has been the Captain's lover for all these years. She convinces Rumpelstiltskin to spare Captain Sexy Eyes, when she shows him an obnoxiously obvious red cap. The stranger is a prisoner on the pirate ship!!! She offers the magic bean in exchange for their lives.

In order to help find Belle, Red offers David her services as a search and rescue dog (since there's that wolf thing). But the trail only goes so far...right to dad's florist shop.

Red channels her inner Boy George.
photo credit, braodwayworld.com

David, Red and Mr. Gold put the pressure on Belle's dad, and he caves after two questions. He lets it spill that Belle is being sent across the town line.

Drum roll...she'll forget her fairytale identity, and go back to the...um, what the heck was she? Just a girl in a cell?

David sees mine dust on her dad's hands, and they hurry speedy quick to the tunnels, which apparently not only go down into the earth, but also spread out past the town limits.

Dear ABC,

It's so comforting to know you can invent details when you need them.

Mila takes Rumpelstiltskin aboard the pirate ship, and he spares no jibes at her abandoning her own son for this lot of dirty scoundrels. The stranger (sans red cap) is brought up on deck, and forced to hand over the magic bean to Captain Sexy Eyes.

Rumpelstiltskin sarcastically congratulates Mila on finding true love. She asks that he take the magic bean and let them go their separate ways. But part of the fun of being the Dark One is making your cheating ex pay for lying about being dead, and totally backing out on all her parental responsibilities.

*Light bulb* Will Rumpelstiltskin turn Mila into the crocodile?

She's unapologetic and spits out that she was miserable because she never loved him. Rumpelstiltskin pierces her chest and rips out her heart. She collapses into Captain Sexy Eye's arms and dies.

Oh well...

Miserable with grief, Captain Sexy Eyes tells Rumpelstiltskin he may have all the power as the Dark One, but he's still a coward. SNAP!

Rumpelstiltskin spares the Captain's life, but slices off the hand clutching the magic bean. He lets him live so that he will suffer the loss of a loved one...just like he did. Feeling no effects of losing a limp, Captain Sexy Eyes fights back with a bits of the ships rig that happen to be lying around.

Hey! Use the silver hook.

Rumpelstiltskin makes a spectacular escape in a puff of red smoke, leaving Captain Sexy Eyes holding the hook.

Permission to come aboard, Captain?
photo credit, hypable.com

The stranger handcuffs Belle inside a mine cart that will take her under the city limits. All she has is a flashlight that will help her find the key on the bottom of the cart. She screams like I did on Space Mountain. Belle tries to get the key, but she manages to drop it.

Silly girl! Doesn't she know Emma is the only chick in this series that can save herself!

Just when all hope is lost, a mysterious force pulls Belle backward.

Wow, it's like someone is using magic...but that's coo-coo because we all know that no magic exists in Storybrooke (unless there's no other option for the writers).

Belle is in no mood for happy reunions. She tells Mr. Gold he's too cowardly to be honest with her, and her dad is just, well...too creepy with all the locking up business and constant kidnapping.

Belle and Red bond over pancakes and bacon at the pub/diner/laundromat. Belle plans on being the new waitress. Red hands her a box with her name on it...it's a key!

Belle happily runs over and opens the library. Mr. Gold is waiting, prepared with quotes about libraries and books and stuff. He admits he's a coward, and has been collecting power as a way to compensate.

When little Bellfire was sucked away to another world, Rumpelstiltskin dedicated himself to finding him. He discovered there was a curse that would take him to that VERY place, and he used the Evil Queen's jealousy to make it happen.

*cough* Guy in useless prologue in first episode *cough*

Mr. Gold confesses magic is a crutch for him, and he can never leave Storybrooke, even if it means never finding his son.

Maybe he should have a pigeon send postcard.

Belle realizes that if Mr. Gold leaves Storybrooke, he'll forget about Bellfire and will never find him. He confesses that he's been trying to break the curse by experimenting with magic in the basement...plus making gold, because it's trading so hot right now.



He leaves her broken hearted, but this is moot because he hasn't even walked three feet before Belle asks him out for a hamburger.

Rumpelstiltskin sits at a table with the Captain's severed hand. He slowly unfolds the fingers, but guess what? The magic bean isn't there!

The pirates are all sad because Mila is now fish food. Captain Sexy Eyes gives the stranger a choice; he can jump over board or swab the deck. He's charted a new course for a land where none of them grow old and he can plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin.

The stranger gets his red cap back, and he's none other than...Peter Pan. No, I'm wrong, he's Bill Smead.

Huh, I'm so rusty tonight.



NOT Dopey, or Peter Pan.

photo credit, fanpop.com

Captain Sexy Eyes throws the bean into the ocean and they sail into the whirlpool vortex of fun.

Mr. Gold enters his basement where he's keeping Bill Smead tied up. Since he left his red cap at the mines, Mr. Gold knew exactly who was behind Belle's kidnapping—this also let Dopey off the hook because his cap is purple.

Mr. Gold grills him about Captain Sexy Eyes, but like most plot holes in this story, for some reason, he's never made an appearance in Storybrooke.

On a beach, Captain Sexy Eyes...er Hook, talks with Cora. She shows him her beaker full of magical pink ash from the wardrobe fire. They discuss their plan to travel to Storybrooke so she can visit Regina and he can skin a crocodile.

Oh! Now I get it, Rumpelstiltskin was the crocodile.

Predictions for the next episode.

Emma and Mary Margaret realize they're able to get themselves out of dangerous situations without a guy showing up.

Belle gets a paper cut cataloguing overdue items and goes into a coma from blood poisoning.

Dopey and Bill Smead trade hats to confuse everyone, and end up getting head lice.

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Once Upon A Time Episode 19, "The Return" or "David Is Such A Loser"

August thrashes in his bed, getting tangled in the sheets. He then falls out and stumbles to his typewriter like Storybrooke is having an earthquake. Obviously, he's not a morning person. On the phone, he tells someone things are taking too long and he has to accelerate the plan.

He always tells the truth except when he's snooping.
photo credit, hollywoodlife.com

Henry and August hatch a scheme—I guess that's who he was talking with. Henry goes into Mr. Gold's shop, cheerily looking for a gift for his favorite teacher, Mary Margaret, to celebrate her release from jail.

Meanwhile, August sneaks in the back of the shop and begins searching the cluttered shelves. Mr. Gold catches him, but August does a song and dance about looking for maps and gets away.




Hold on—I thought he always told the truth. ABC! *shakes fist at TV*

Emma goes to the hospital and questions a recovering Catherine. She remembers the car accident, but then blacked out and came to in a basement. The Doctor, the only medical staff in Storybrooke apparently, tells Emma there were traces of drugs in Catherine's system.

Is this blood test as reliable as the DNA on her heart? *rolls eyes*

Adding to the mystery, Catherine says she didn't escape but woke up one morning in a field and walked into town. Emma does some brilliant detective work and says the DNA test must have been faked.

Gee! Ya think?

Quidditch anyone?
photo credit, unwinnable.com

The Mayor and Mr. Gold argue at his shop. He holds a leather ball that looks like a quaffle.

Ten points for a Harry Potter reference!

She's mad that he broke their deal. He glares back at her and says he's only broken one deal, and unfortunately it wasn't this one. She demands to know why he came up with the curse to bring them here if he's not helping her now?

Good question. Also, why is it so easy to break into the hospital lab?

On a muddy road, boys are playing with Mr. Gold's quaffle ball. A horse drawn waggon almost runs over them. An angry villager scolds the boy for playing on the road, then he recognizes Rumpelstiltskin's son, Bellfire. He backs away, clearly frightened. And he should be. Rumpelstiltskin hears the arguing and turns the frantically apologetic villager in to a snail, and then crushes him. WOW! Just like that.

David visits Catherine because he's a confused guy trying to remember who he's in love with. Hello? Your true love just got sprung from jail! *taps TV screen* 

Catherine forgives him for all the crap he put her through—I guess being kidnapped and held in a basement puts things in perspective. They agree to not be miserable married people anymore. He calls her amazing, and then kisses her on the forehead. But no magic happens because it's a 'true friend's kiss' not the 'true love' kind.

Emma throws Mary Margaret a party. Henry gives her a bell wrapped in a pretty silver box. Is anyone else thinking about The Polar Express? David arrives looking for more foreheads to kiss, but Emma stops him at the door. He whimpers something stupid and then leaves.

Mr. Gold watches them from the corner. Emma crosses her arms in front of her chest and accuses him of kidnapping Catherine. Emma needs to brush up on her hostess skills. Mr. Gold doesn't even flinch—he's so cool. Instead he motions toward August and asks what she knows about him. Emma realizes she's clueless about August. Mr. Gold tells her he must be using a pseudonym, which is different than an acronym but has the same suffix.

Rumpelstiltskin enters the cottage with his son, Bellfire, and begins to heal his skinned knee with magic. The boy wants none of it and gets the mid-evil first aid kit (also known as the BlackSmith Special). Bellfire confronts his father about his lust for power and how evil he's become. Rumpelstiltskin refutes that his powers ended the Ogre war, saving thousands of children from being soldiers.

But his son is adamant. Rumpelstiltskin shows him the dagger with his name etched into the blade and says he's owned by the magic for life—or until someone else kills him with the dagger.

Two hours of homework=one hour on Minecraft
photo credit, runnersworld.com

Their maid/cook/laundry girl walks in and they drop the conversation. Obviously they've been watching Downton Abbey. The first rule is to never talk about curses with the help around. Bellfire makes Rumpelstiltskin promise to figure out how to get rid of his powers, and they shake on the deal.

Mr. Gold snoops around August's room and finds a tiny wooden carving of a dog. Hmm, tiny wooden carving. Whoa! Jackpot! AND a perfect drawing of the dagger.

At the dinner/pub/laundromat Emma confronts Sydney about bugging her office. Sydney makes it clear he's on the Mayor's side. Emma looks disgusted. She stomps away with her amazing golden hair flowing behind her and promises to find the basement where Catherine was kept. She's determined to find any clue that will link him AND the Mayor to the set up.

Bellfire is sad because none of the other kids will play with him—you know 'cause his dad might turn them into a snails, too. A young girl comes out from behind a tree (the forest gets so much air time every episode!) She's kind and describes what a hero his father was the day he stopped the Ogre Wars. He tells her the power has become a curse. She offers him hope and mentions a rumor she heard on the battle field of an original magic that was more powerful than the Dark One.

Rumpelstiltskin breaks up the scene and the girl hurries away. Bellfire notices his father's bloodied boots. Rumpelstiltskin defends his actions, saying the maid was mute but she could still draw a picture of the dagger. Geez. Harsh much?

Mr. Gold follows August and watches as he meets with the Head Nun (aka Blue Fairy). It's hard to recognize her without her blue bustier and jellyfish skirt. Apparently August has found his long lost father but isn't sure how to reveal the truth...yet.

Bellfire goes into the woods and summons the original power. Instead of the huge, creepy thing I'm imagining, the Blue Fairy appears. Bellfire explains his father is the Dark One. She says her magic can't take away his powers. However, he can go to a place where magic doesn't exist, and that will save them both.

She gives him a magic bean, and tells him to use it wisely because it is the very, last magic bean. The. Very. Last.

David chases Mary Margaret down the street and tries to apologize—AGAIN! His excuse for being a spineless twit was all the mounting evidence against her. He's worse at apologizing as Emma is at hosting parties.

Mary Margaret sighs and says something powerful is trying to keep them apart. He apologizes again, saying that he loves her, and then they both end up crying. OH. MY. GOD. They've had this conversation a billion times.

Dear ABC,

Why are they even in this episode?

Rumpelstiltskin is spinning gold when Bellfire comes in and tries to sell him on the idea of leaving fairytale land to live in a place where absolutely nothing magical could ever happen—Wal-mart. Rumpelstiltskin can't refuse his son. They shake hands and make a deal. Um...didn't we just see that?

Feeling particularly chatty and helpless (never a good combination), Mr. Gold pays a visit to Dr. Hopper and talks about his long lost son and their somewhat complicated relationship. Dr. Hopper advises he should ask his son for forgiveness, because there's no other way.

I'm shocked someone actually had a real answer instead of the usual, true love's kiss idea. Yay! Dr. Hopper.

Mr. Gold meets August in the woods (hi, trees!). August calls him Papa. For proof, rearrange the letters in August Wayne Booth. You'll discover they spell out, the writer is Rumpelstiltskin's son and he had this magic bean that was the very last magic bean in fairytale land.

See? It's so obvious. I feel like such a dummy.

Bellfire plants the bean and it forms a green tornado as a porthole to Wal-mart. Rumpelstiltskin suddenly gets cold feet and tries to pull his son back, yelling that he can't give up the power. His grip slips and Bellfire disappears into the vortex. Seconds later the ground covers over. Realizing he made the wrong choice, Rumpelstiltskin claws at the dirt.

Mr. Gold admits his cowardice to August, but that every waking moment since that night he's been looking for him. He then asks for forgiveness, and I must say, David could take a few pointers. Together they unearth the dagger Mr. Gold buried shortly after Emma arrived in Storybrooke. He hands it to August telling him to destroy it—he doesn't need magic anymore now that he's found his son. August takes the dagger and points it at his father and demands control the Dark One.

*Gasp* TWIST!

Mr. Gold points a finger at his son's impostor. He overtakes the weak August and demands answers. August confesses to being from fairytale land, but he's sick and was trying to get 'the Savior' to help him—but she's such a non-believer, that Emma.

Mr. Gold sneers down at him, telling him to keep trying. And since he's spared his life, August now owes Mr. Gold a favor.

Rumpelstiltskin summons the Blue Fairy and asks how he can follow his son. The fairy says he had his chance, however (there's always a however) a powerful curse can create the same vortex. He vows to find this powerful magic and will do nothing else, and love nothing else until he gets his son back. Well, except maybe that chick who comes to clean his castle and breaks the china cup...but other than her, nothing else!

The Mayor sits in the Sheriff's office and watches as Syndey confess to setting up Mary Margaret. He says he wanted to be the one to find her and be the hero. He would write an exclusive for the paper and get his job back. Emma is absolutely not buying any of it. She takes the Mayor into the hallway and lays it all out on the table—she's had enough of the Mayor's crazy schemes. Emma vows to never stop fighting her, and finally...FINALLY declares to fight for custody of Henry.

Whoo-hoo! Cat Fight!

So, August is still a mystery, unless you haven't figured out he's really Pinocchio. Click here for details.

Will David ever get some charm? And what about the animal shelter? And please, somebody go wake up Sleeping Beauty, she's missing all the fun!

Cheers!