Once Upon A Time, Episode 7, Season 2, “Child of the Moon”

 

Or better title, "She's a Maneater"

Look out Storybrooke, it's Ruby's time of the month.
hypable.com

The dwarfs are hard at work mining for fairy dust. Grumpy finds a tunnel that reveals a wall of diamonds. The Blue Fairy arrives in her modest, Head Nun cardigan and explains that the magic has brought back the diamonds.

You mean the magic that doesn't exist anymore?

Henry and David are super excited because they still have Jefferson's dogged eared and useless hat, but

when the dwarfs pulverise the 'magic diamonds' they'll have enough fairy dust to make it work again. And then poof! They'll ride the purple vortex to fairytale land.

Brunettes kick butt in fairytale land.
examiner.com

Red and Snow White race through the forest away from the Evil Queen's guards. They hide but Red's magical cloak (that prevents her from turning into a killer wolf) is torn. Worried she'll have Snow White for a late night snack, she decides to head deep into the forest alone, but not before we see someone watching her with yellow eyes.

Do you know who was good at controlling wolves? Yes, that's right Schmexy. If he was still on the show, all their problems would be solved.

Bachelor #1
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The dwarfs celebrate at the pub/dinner/laundromat and share a few pints with the Head Nun. Ruby cleans up the tables and has a nice chat with Billy, the tow truck guy—except he's also Gus, the mouse from Cinderella.

Where is she anyway?

Billy asks Ruby out on a date, but she tells him she already has plans. Her plans, it turns out, are to be locked up in the back since this is her first full moon since the curse has been broken. She's especially frantic because her magical red cloak is missing.

David acts all fatherly and tells her not to worry because he knows she's not evil, just a nice girl with a few monthly issues.

Do you know who is evil in Storybrooke? Well, yes the Mayor, but don't forget about Spencer, also known as King George, Prince Charming's less than charming dad. He tells David that the people of Storybrooke will soon figure out he's just a Shepherd not a Prince, or a Sheriff.

Well, duh. I could have told him that.

The next morning, Granny returns to the pub/dinner/laundromat, but Ruby's cage is ripped apart and full of claw marks.

Henry is locked inside a burning castle foyer with some kind of disco floor. Aurora is across the room, hunched over—probably asleep again, the useless thing. He wakes up to find the Mayor is beside him. She explains Grandpa David had to go on a mystery call since he's the only law officer in Storybrooke. He asked her to watch over Henry since he's been having bad dreams. But Henry isn't just having nightmares...there is a burn on his hand!

Nothing bad EVER happens in the forest.
wetpaint.com

David and Granny find Ruby sleeping under a tree in the forest. There are no entrails or bones around her, so it's all cool.

Red wakes and is relieved to see the cloak kept her human all night. But faster than you can say, “out of the blue” a guy decked out in black leather, snatches it away. Red warns him she's not safe to be around. He flashes his yellow eyes and admits he knows all about her wolf secret. He says, “I picked up on your scent last night.”

Creepy pick-up line, dude.

.

His name is Quinn, and he looks like Captain Hook's little brother.

Hmm, a hot guy in leather with sexy stubble...where have I seen this before...?

                                                                  Maybe here?

Schmexy!
wetpaint.com

Or here?

August Wayne Booth, aka, Pinocchio.
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                                                                           Or here?

Captain Sexy Eyes
screenrant.com

I wonder how long it will be until this latest one is killed off?

Quinn takes Red to an underground castle where other 'children of the moon' live. A statuesque woman, named Anita, comes out of the shadows fully dressed in a leather bustier and feather earrings.

The wolves are stylin'
sharetv.org

Looks like somebody has Black Eyed Peas tickets!

Anita hugs Red and tells her she's her mother.

Ruby and Granny join David on his emergency call for a double parked car. Oops, it's Billy, I mean Gus's, tow truck. Red screams when she finds Gus in front of the truck...and also in the dumpster.

The Mayor asks Mr. Gold to check out Henry's 'dream burn.' Of course he has the answer, he's Mr. Gold!He talks for a bit about different worlds and how your soul can travel when you're asleep.

People, don't get hung up on the specific rules, let's not forget the guys from LOST are writing this.

Mr. Gold explains that once you learn to control something you no longer fear it. He gives Henry an amulet that will allow him to control the world he visits when he's asleep.

I would have given him with a water hose since his greatest fear is being locked inside a burning room.

David vows to help Ruby as random people from Storybrooke light torches and grumble incoherently in the background.

Hey, it's Annabeth Gish from Mystic Pizza!
fanpop.com

Hint, Annabeth Gish is wearing the pink t-shirt.
Mystic Pizza 1988

Anita tells Red the only way she can control the wolf is by accepting it's a part of her. Red sheds her magical cloak and gives Mom a big hug.

At her insistence, David locks Ruby in a cell, complete with double chains on the bars. Spencer strolls in threatening to lead the village people to storm the jail. Great! I love their music.

Anita begins wolf lessons with Red and soon she's running and prancing with the pack.

Spencer wastes no time in assembling his disgruntled mob, but instead of torches they have rifles. Yikes! He gives a quick speech about how Sheriff David is putting the safety of a killer ahead of the town's. They break in but Ruby's cell is empty.

Belle allows Ruby to hide inside the library.

I guess Storybrooke isn't full of readers.

Back at the wolf palace, Snow White sneaks in and tries to convince Red to continue on with her. But Red chooses to stay with her pack. Snow White understands and gives her a big best friend forever hug. Suddenly, the Evil Queen's guards storm the room, and badly miss Snow White, shooting an arrow into sexy Quinn instead.

Dear ABC,

Again? Seriously?

Ruby insists on being chained up, but Belle argues there is good inside her.

There may also still be parts of Billy inside her too, but whatever...

Ruby pulls a fake hug and chains Belle to the bookcase instead. Then she selfishly leaves the library to face the mob and get killed.

Granny and her faint wolf nose, leads David through Storybrooke on a hunt for the real killer. The trail ends at a car that contains rope and Ruby's magical cloak. David reads the registration and realizes this is Spencer's car, and this whole mess was an elaborate plot to turn the town against him.

Poor Gus.

Anita blames Quinn's death on Snow White. She orders the pack to tie up Snow White and they'll feast on her tonight.

Ew.

Anita gets her fangs on and lunges at Snow White, but Red jumps in the way, accidentally impaling Anita with a long decorative spike that happened to be pointing upwards.

I thought that was how you killed a vampire?

Anyway, Snow White puts the magical cloak back on Red. Crying, Red tells her dying mother that she may be a wolf, but she's not a murderer.

Well, unless you count pushing your mom into a spike.



Move along, nothing to see...
examiner.com



The angry mob corner Ruby, now in her fur coat. David arrives and tells the villagers that Spencer is the real murderer. Then he has a nice face to snout chat with Ruby, encouraging her to control the wolf inside.

This must be something he learned from his days with the sheep. I guess David is also a wolf whisperer.

When she stops growling, he throws the magical cloak over her and she transforms back, complete with perfect makeup.

Ruby and David take off in pursuit of Spencer. They easily find him standing in front of a bonfire on the beach. He warns David he will never see his family again, and he throws Jefferson's hat into the fire.

Red buries her mother under a full moon. She tells Snow White that she couldn't choose between the two worlds, but she now considers Snow White her family.

 David watches over Henry sleeping soundly. He and Ruby talk about not giving up, and that they'll find a way to fairytale land, even without Jefferson's hat.

Aurora is back at the burning disco, but Henry is there with his amulet. He stops the fire and tells her to not be scared. Aurora wakes in a forest campsite and tells Mary Margaret and Emma about the little boy in her dream named Henry.

Predictions for next week's episode

#1. Snow White and Red find a cottage and gorge themselves on leftover porridge and break some furniture.

#2. Hansel and Gretel demand a storyline since we haven't seen them since last season.

#3. Captain Sexy Eyes decides to shave since all the clean-faced dudes last longer on the show.

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Once Upon A Time, Episode 21 “An Apple Red As Blood” or “A Plot As Holey As Swiss Cheese”

She has a plan, and a recipe...
photo credit, buzzfocus.com

Emma shows up at the Mayor's front door with a posse of townspeople. Even Henry is screaming for blood. They tie her to an apple tree as she pleads for her life saying she only wanted to win for once...just like the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Emma takes a sword and does her best Shogun impersonation, slashing her in half. The Mayor bolts upright in bed, still shaking from her dream. She checks on Henry, but his lumpy form under the covers is sound asleep.

Actually, Henry is in Emma's little yellow bug happy as a clam. But once he realizes Emma is taking him away from Storybrooke that very night, he grabs the wheel and makes the car go off the road. She freaks out that he could have killed them, but he argues back that heroes don't run.

King James is upset that Prince Charming didn't marry Midas' daughter and has sentenced him to death. The Prince says he's willing to die for true love. As the blade of the guillotine drops, it turns to water. The Evil Queen struts in wearing one of her usual Halloween Hooker inspired outfits—not that there's anything wrong with that.

Seriously, this should be her theme song. 

The Evil Queen propositions King James to trade Prince Charming for all the wealth he can handle. King James eagerly accepts and asks why the Prince is so important to her. She grins and says he is a means of destroying Snow White.

She's a brick---house...

The Mayor discovers that her apple tree is dying. She pays Mr. Gold a visit alarming him to the fact the curse must be weakening. Mr. Gold shrugs in a super cool way, 'cause he's so cool and all. He does a quick recap of the rules, reminding us that the curse was meant to keep Snow White and Prince Charming apart and warns the Mayor that if Emma is killed, the curse will be broken.

The Mayor realizes that if she wants to keep the curse intact, Emma has to live. But this news totally bums her out because she hates Snow White and Emma equally, and can't decide who she wants to hurt more. Decisions...decisions.

It's so tough to be the only bad guy, isn't it?

The Mayor wants to strike a new deal with Mr. Gold, hoping to kill Emma and keep the curse intact, but he tells her she has nothing to barter with and watches her storm out of the shop.

If the Mayor was smart she'd drop a few hints about Belle actually being alive and hidden in Storybrooke. I'm sure that would get Mr. Gold's attention.

At school, the Mayor puts a white rabbit sticker on Paige's bike. Remember Paige? Her father is the Mad Hatter.

Emma gets an earful from Mary Margaret for trying to leave without saying good bye. She tells Emma it doesn't matter what she does or doesn't want to do—she has to do what's best for Henry. And kidnapping him and leaving the town without a Sheriff is NOT the best thing for Henry.

I love it when Mary Margaret shows some spine.

Granny, Snow White, and the dwarfs hide in the forest staking out King James' castle. Red returns from her disguised-as-a-wolf eaves dropping mission, and tells them she overheard that Prince Charming is still alive, but the Evil Queen is inside the castle as well.

The Evil Queen visits Prince Charming in the dungeon.

She's a brick----house. Mighty might, and she's lettin' all hang out...

She promises she has no intention of killing his true love. Then she holds up an apple and cackles in an I've-got-a-plan-so-evil-it-will-make-me-a-legend kind of laugh.

She's a brick----house. The lady's stacked and that's a fact, ain't holding nothing back.



Jefferson, almost as cute as Schmexy
photo credit, tumblr.com



The Mayor meets with Jefferson. Remember Jefferson? Yes, that's right, the Mad Hatter who disappeared after jumping out of a second story window.

I guess he's still alive. *rolls eyes*

The Mayor lays out another set of rules for us since his sudden appearance seems too convenient. Anywho, she reminds him that he'll never get Paige back if they don't work together. She brings out his magic hat and asks him to make it work.

Dear ABC,

The Blue Fairy said nothing magical can happen in Storybrooke because magic doesn't exist there.

The Mayor ignores me and tells Jefferson there's enough magic left in the hat for him to return to fairytale land.

Well, it worked for Frosty The Snowman.

She pushes harder telling him that it's the only way either of them can keep their children. She promises to “wake up” Paige so that she'll remember who she really is—his daughter. But Jefferson says he doesn't want her to remember their true life and be forced to live in Storybrooke. The only way he'll agree to help the Mayor is if she writes them a new life for this world. They make a deal.

Outside the castle Snow White listens as Red howls in the distance at the full moon, which is pretty convenient I must say.

Up in the clouds the Blue Fairy adjusts her bustier and commands her winged troop like she's re-enacting Braveheart.

Dear ABC,

Where were the fairies for all the other battles? Why is everyone rescuing Prince Charming but when the black curse rolled into town everyone took off?

Snow White, not exactly as shown
photo credit, myspace.com

Snow White does a battle cry and takes out a whole court yard full of palace guards like she's Xena Warrior Princess. The dwarfs and their pick axes make a dent as well, but soon more guards show up and surround them. Wow! What are they going to do? It seems like all hope is lost.

From the dark clouds above, the buzz of killer bees grows louder. Suddenly, war hungry fairies swoop in and set off a series of fireworks that makes the castle guards fall asleep. Hooray for convenient plot twits!

Henry visits August and sees how he's slowly turning back into Pinocchio. Henry sounds surprised that the curse is real.

Um...wasn't that the whole point of finding Emma in the first place, and Operation Cobra, and everything in this series.

Dear ABC,

Please find enclosed my receipts for Tylenol migraine.

August confesses he's dying and that he's decided to give up on Operation Cobra and Emma “the non-believer.” Instead he's spending his only time left with Geppetto in his little garage/workshop. Henry feels helpless since everyone is giving up.

When the puppet stops caring, you know it's all over.

Dr. Hopper meets Emma at the pub/diner/laundromat and tells her she doesn't have enough evidence to convince the court to win custody of Henry. He strongly suggests she end her war with the Mayor for Henry's sake.

Snow White finds Prince Charming trapped in a mirror. He tells her the Evil Queen has locked him inside her castle. They talk a bit about never being together and how there seems to be a power keeping them apart...blah, blah, blah. The Evil Queen's image replaces Charming's and she asks Snow White for a meeting to discuss a truce.

The Mayor takes Jefferson to her underground vault of hearts. She tells him it's the only magical place in this world since it's full of things from fairytale land. Huh? What about Mr. Gold's shop?

Jefferson puts the hat on the floor but it remains still, unable to create a vortex to fairytale land. There's obviously not enough magic in the room. Wow! What are they going to do? It seems like all hope is lost.

Oh, wait...never mind. The Mayor pulls out a ring with Daniel's face glowing inside. She drops it in the hat, but it's still not enough to make a portal. However, Jefferson declares that it is enough to create a small opening to pull an object through.

I really hope she's thinking about Schmexy. Unfortunately, she decides to go for the apple.

Snow White finds the Evil Queen at the stables where Daniel used to work...and make out with her. They take a tour of the old homestead and stop by Daniel's grave.

Snow White is confused, she thought Daniel ran away. The Evil Queen says her mother murdered him when she found out they were in love. She blames Snow White for telling her mother their secret plan to elope, and that his murder is her fault.

Double standard! The Evil Queen cut out her own father's heart. And if I'm not mistaken, turned her creepy mother into some weird elephant thing. *sigh*

The Evil Queen holds up the poisoned apple, promising not death but a permanent coma for anyone who eats it willingly. Snow White knows Prince Charming's life is in her hands. She takes a bit to save his useless butt.

How does she know the Evil Queen just won't kill him anyway? Why doesn't she do the Xena thing again?

Back in the Mayor's underground, magical lair, the poisoned apple passes through the hat and into her hands. Before you can say Rachel Ray, she's in the kitchen whipping up pastry.

Emma arrives looking sheepish, and wants to talk about burying the hatchet. She promises to leave town in exchange for allowing visits with Henry. The oven timer goes off and Emma follows the Mayor into the kitchen. They chat more about Henry and then she offers Emma an apple turnover for the road. You know, because they're such pals and everything.

Red, the dwarfs, and Granny find Snow White in her apple coma and assume she's dead. Red declares that Snow White sacrificed herself for true love. How do they know she didn't have an aneurysm or something?

The Mayor visits Mr. Gold and brags about her poison apple plan. He looks surprised as she explains she sacrificed the last bit of magic left in Storybrooke (her ring). Mr. Gold reminds her (and us) that all magic comes at a price—usually knuts, sickles and galleons. But the Mayor only grins back and says that this time, she's won.

She's a brick----house...

Emma meets Henry at Mary Margaret's apartment and she drops the bomb about making a deal with the Mayor to leave Storybrooke. Henry freaks and tells her she can't trust the Mayor. Thank you, Voice Of Reason. Finally!

He tries to change her mind and says this is the dark moment before she realizes she has to fight back. Hey! Henry has been studying the finer points of plot structure.

Henry, AGAIN, tells Emma that she's the only one who can stop the curse. He gives her a big hug and catches a glance at the apple turnover on the counter. He tells Emma the Mayor never had any intention of making a deal, she only has plans to kill her. And since she's such a non-believer, Henry has no choice but to sacrifice himself for true love. He takes a bite, and then collapses to the floor.

Predictions for the FINAL EPISODE...

David will do or say something totally un-charming and make Mary Margaret cry.

August will cut his leg on a saw in the workshop but Geppetto will sand it down nice and smooth so it hardly shows.

Mr. Gold will have tea in the chipped cup and wish the Mayor wasn't always giving him such bad news.

Emma will sort of...kind of...finally believe and will try to awaken Henry from his coma with the magic of true love's kiss, because he's the thing she loves the most. The camera will pan in close to his face, he'll open his eyes and then the credits will roll...just like Avatar. 

What do you think will happen? Will we ever see Schmexy again? And where the heck is Sleeping Beauty in all this?

Cheers!

Once Upon A Time, Episode 15, Red Handed or Ruby Finally Wears Pants!

Original cast of The Hunger Games
photo credit, onceuponatimeabc.com

Emma drills David mercilessly about Katherine. Just kidding. She begs him for answers but he only shrugs in that goofy way of his, and says he didn't call Katherine the night she disappeared.

Emma frowns at the phone records trying to decide what to believe; the cheating husband or the computer print out. She flicks her golden tresses off her shoulder then tells him to get a lawyer and become a better liar.

Schmexy must be rolling in his grave.

Aw, Schmexy. At least there was a glimpse of him during the flashbacks at the beginning of the show.

August, the writer guy, talks with Ruby at the pub/diner/laundromat. She's enamoured by his stories of the outside world. And he's enamoured with the view of her mid-drift. Granny pulls a lemon face and calls her over to the counter.

Red's boyfriend, Peter
photo credit awn.com

A strapping young fellow with bow and arrow walks through the snow to a cabin in the woods. Red answers the door and warns him they don't have much time. He tries to convince her to run away with him. Granny bellows from the other room, startling Red. She gives him one last kiss, promising to think about his offer. He runs off happily. His name is Peter, you know as in Peter and the Wolf. And now this song is running through my head.

Red joins Granny at the front door of the cottage—it must be a fancy one with several entrances—a group of menfolk with torches arrive and explain they're not an angry mob but a hunting club looking for a green ogre named Shrek. Also, there's something eating the sheep.

Granny tells them they're no match for the wolf she knows is responsible for the missing livestock and sends them away. She locks up the cabin tighter than Fort Knox, and orders Red into the back room where it's safest.

Granny and Ruby have a fight at the pub/diner/laundromat. Granny says that since business is booming Ruby should learn how to do the books and take more responsibility.

Um...it's the only business in town. Hasn't it always been booming?

Red wakes the next morning and Granny scolds her for not wearing her red cloak. The color red repels the wolf and therefore protects her.

Huh, in the movie, The Village, the color red attracted the monster. I hope Granny didn't get her legends mixed up.

Red rolls her eyes but still puts on the cloak and ventures to the chicken coup to gather eggs for breakfast. She finds Snow White hidden in the corner. She's cold and nearly starving, but with her eye make-up is perfect. They immediately bond over their misfortune situations. Red tells Snow White about the wolf, but Snow White isn't convinced until they find the hunting mob, sorry I mean hunting club for men, in pieces.

Emma and Mary Margaret walk down the street and pass under a sign advertising Storybrooke's Free Local Library.

Great! The free libraries as so much better than the kind that charge you. I call those libraries, book stores.

Emma tells Mary Margaret about David's phone call to Katherine and pleads for an alibi. I guess Emma hates arresting people. But their conversation is cut short when they see Ruby being propositioned by the creepy doctor. You remember him right? He's the town's only doctor, other than Dr. Hopper, the psychiatrist, and whatever Doc from the dwarfs is doing these days.

When Ruby tells them she quit the diner and is trying to leave town, Mary Margaret offers her apartment as a place to stay for the night.

Mary Margaret specializes in taking in strays.

The villagers have gathered for another hunting club meeting, the group is a little smaller since the last few members were well...dismembered. Tempers rise and plans are made for bloody vengeance.

Granny tells them they're fools if they think they take on this wolf-monster. She shows them a scar on her arm from when she survived the attack that killed her whole family. The wolf spared her but she warns the people that the only way to survive is to hide like a ninja.

Red confides to Snow White that Granny's compulsive need to keep her locked up has made it impossible to have a normal life. The only way she can have a future with Peter is if they run away. Snow White worries that Granny is using the danger of the wolf to keep Red from her true love.

And we all know what true love's kiss can do, right? Well, sometimes.

But Red has a better idea then kissing Peter and waiting for the magic, she's going to kill the wolf herself! She'd be free to see Peter and finally wear the green cloak that goes so much better with her skin tone than the red one.

Mary Margaret arrives at the scene of Katherine's car accident and walks into the forest. Instead of Mr. Gold limping from behind a tree, she stumbles upon a spaced out David. Mary Margaret assures him that even though evidence is mounting, she will stand by him. David ignores her and wanders off.

Things that make you go, hmm.

Snow White follows Red through the woods as they look for animal tracks. You know who would be helpful...yes the Huntsman.

Dear ABC,

More Schmexy flashbacks please!

Huge prints suggest the wolf is one big fella. Snow White wants to turn back but Red is determined and she plods forward.

Ruby and Henry are at the Sheriff's office looking up jobs on-line. Of course, where else would he be? School? *snorts*

Emma walks in and sees that Ruby would be a perfect receptionist or filing clerk or lunch order delivery girl. Mary Margaret breaks up the happy scene, and hurriedly explains that David is acting all freaky in the woods.

Red and Snow White discover the tracks change and that the beast is a minotaur! No, actually it's a boot wearing werewolf. They deduce the wolf changes (mid-stride mind you) from a huge beast into a fully clothed man.

If Grumpy can hatch from an egg in pyjamas with a beard and speaking English, I guess anything is possible.

They follow the tracks to the Granny's cottage. Red realizes she kissed Peter at that very window. Instead of getting the hunting club for men, Snow White suggests the only route of action is to tell Peter the truth. This apparently is the only way to stop him and save the village.

Okay. *sighs heavily*

Ruby goes into the pub/diner/laundromat as a customer since she is the receptionist/file clerk/ and lunch order delivery girl. She stands tall and tells Granny that she has a new job. Granny says she hopes she finds what she's looking for.

What does that mean? She's looking for lunch!

Red confesses her discovery to Peter but puts a positive spin on the situation by declaring they can now go away together. All they have to do is tie him up when he starts to turn into the wolf-man. But he has a better idea and opens his bag, showing her the chains he happens to be carrying.

Isn't that convenient?! What the heck did he have planned for their date tonight anyway? Time to run away, Red.

They ignore my comments and decide to try chaining him up that night.

Great plan. *more sighs and rolling of eyes*

Henry shows Emma (and us) where he keeps the storybook locked in the Sheriff's office far away from the Mayor's prying eyes. Ruby returns with sandwiches and Emma makes another awesome decision. She takes Ruby with her to look for the spaced out David. This seems stupid until Ruby takes off into the forest, saying she's just following her instinct.

He's lying on the ground with a fresh head wound. He has no memory of getting into the forest or anything since the night before.

The creepy doctor declares that this is a side effect of his coma. In fact, this nicely explains how David could have called Katherine and then kidnapped her without realizing it.

Isn't that convenient?!

The Mayor shows up, and comes to the aid of 'Helpless David'. She demands he get a lawyer since she's still his legal guardian or something.

Emma panics at this bizarre turn of events because it's so rare for weird stuff to happens to her. She calls Ruby and insists she search the (Troll) Toll Bridge since David wanders there...a lot.

Ruby, not exactly as shown
photo credit tiptopglobe.com

Ruby hones in on her natural tracking skills from fairytale land.

She starts probing random parts of the beach with a stick. She unearths a jewelry box and opens the lid. Her screams are heard all over British Columbia.

Go Canada!

Granny enters Red's room and finds Snow White under the red cloak, pretending to be her. Snow White tells Granny that Red sneaked out and is going to help Peter deal with his wild side. Granny practically has a stroke, then storms out of the cottage.

Peter is chained to a tree trying to break the iron links as a huge wolf approaches. He pleads with Red to snap out of it. SHE IS THE WOLF.

Finally! A strong female protagonist.

Back at the Sheriff's office, Emma looks inside the jewelry box. She talks about being impressed while Ruby cries over the discovery. What is it? A hand? A heart? An eyeball?

Snow White wears Red's cloak as she follows Granny through the woods. Red suffers a family curse started from the early attack when Granny was only a young girl. They find Red and what's left of Peter. Granny has a silver tipped arrow and shoots her down.

I have a feeling Granny would have kicked serious butt in The Hunger Games.

When Snow White lays the red cloak over the beast it turns back into Red. The hunting club for men are shouting in the distance as vengeful clubs often do. As they close in, Granny tells a disoriented Red the truth and that she must flee the village. Red realizes she's too afraid to leave, but Granny pushes her toward the woods, saying it's the only way. Snow White takes her and the both disappear into the trees.

Ruby decides to wear pants and visits Granny at the pub/diner/laundromat and asks for her job back. She explains the book keeping and extra responsibility scared her.

Yeah, math has that affect on me too.

She says working at the pub/diner/laundromat makes her happy. Granny confides the business will be Ruby's when she retires.

David and Mary Margaret meet at the animal shelter. Of course. Wait. Why are they at the animal shelter. Emma arrives and tells them about the jewelry box. It contained a human heart.

Holy smokes. Schmexy!!!!

The DNA will take a few days, but the fingerprints inside the box matched someone in the town...wait for it. Mary Margaret. I have a feeling this is connected to the REAL reason the evil queen wants Snow White's life to be hell.

Whose heart is in the box? I know. The evil queen's true love, that's who.

But who is the evil queen's true love? And who is the creepy doctor in fairytale land? And why is the writer not doing anything? And where is my Tylenol?

Bringin' Schmexy Back, An ode to Once Upon A Time



Bringin' Schmexy Back 
Sung to the tune of Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back"

I'm bringin' Schmexy back.

Those fairytale characters don't know how to act.

I'm hopin' Ruby will pick up the slack.

And get the Big Bad Wolf to find his pack.

He's hidin' in the forest!

Evil Queen.

She crushed his heart to dust but not his spleen.

Who did her wrong or was she was born that mean?

I hope his heart still beats in Emma's dreams.

He's hidin' in the forest!

Find the freaky eyed wolf.

He knows the way.

Check the animal shelter.

He knows the way.

MIA

He knows the way.

Get Ruby to drive.

He knows the way.

Let's see what the writer is messin' with.

He knows the way.

Sheriff's way too hot.

He knows the way.

He can't be dropped.

He knows the way.

Get your unicorn on.

He knows the way.

Get your unicorn on.

He knows the way.

Get your unicorn on.

I'm bringin' Schmexy back.

Snow White can't find the memories that she lacks.

He was the Huntsman but he saved her back.

Now she's stuck at school and baby that's a fact.

He's hidin' in the forest!

(Repeat Chorus)

I'm bringin' Schmexy back.

The writer knows somethin' and that's no flack.

The Big Bad wolf will be the one to act.

'Cause Ruby's more than an impressive rack.

He's hidin' in the forest!

Find the freaky eyed wolf.

He knows the way.

Check the animal shelter.

He knows the way.

MIA

He knows the way.

Get Ruby to drive.

He knows the way.

Let's see what the writer is messin' with.

He knows the way.

Sheriff's too hot.

He knows the way.

He can't be dropped.

He knows the way.

Get your unicorn on.

He knows the way.

Get your unicorn on.

He knows the way.

Get your unicorn on.

Once Upon A Time, Episode 10, 7:15 or better title, Nothing Much Happens

She is the key to finding Schmexy!

Little Red Riding Hood is going through the blue woods! Hooray, Ruby finally gets some air time. We all know she has a wolf in her story. Who else has a special connection to wolves? Yes, Schmexy! I'm so excited.

The episode begins with a close up of the strangers mysterious suitcase. Henry is curious about this new development and begins a polite but intrusive interrogation. The stranger says he came to Storybrooke because there's something he needs to do here.

Easy on the details, man. I can only type so fast.

It begins to thunder. Storm's a comin' folks. A-ha! The box is a weather maker. 

Mary Margaret rushes from her apartment to wait at the pub/diner/laundromat with a book. She glances at the clock. It's 7:15.

Ahhhh. Ooooh. Something happens at this time that is very important or else the writers wouldn't have given this episode such a lame title.

Enter David (Prince Charming). He orders two coffees and notices Mary Margaret pretending to read. He tells her he's on his way to his job at the animal shelter. Yes! Go talk to the wolf about Schmexy.

They smile and look goofy at each other for a few minutes. She watches him take a coffee to his wife, patiently waiting in the car.

Ugh. Oh yeah, Catherine.

Emma shows up and says she's acting like a stalker. Mary Margaret confesses she comes in everyday at the same time, because that's when he regularly gets his coffee. She looks pitiful and says love is the worst and wishes there was a magic cure.

Did somebody say wish?

Snow White is hiding in the bushes with a bow and arrow about to take out a peacock, but she's no Katniss Everdeen and before she can fire a shot, the bird gets frightened away by Little Red Ridding Hood (Ruby/Red). Really? Not Scarlet.

Anyway, Red has a basket of goodies for her friend, Snow White. Can you guess what I'm thinking? Yes! Where's the big bad wolf that will lead us to the Sheriff and a compelling plot?

Red tells Snow White that Prince Charming still plans to marry King Midas' daughter. Snow White is visibly upset and wishes she could forget her true love. Red looks uneasy and tells her there is a man who grants anything you wish for, but she is scared to tell his name.

Snow White reminds Red, “I helped you when no one else would.” I have a feeling we should remember this little tidbit for future episodes. Let's file this away. Click. Done.

Phantom of the Opera.

Snow White rows a wooden dory in a dark and gloomy swamp and meets Rumpelstiltskin on what looks like the set of Phantom of the Opera. He declares she really is the fairest of them all. She asks him to cure her broken heart.

He gives her a vile of swamp water infused with one of her hairs. Ew. If she drinks the potion, she'll forget Prince Charming. He tells her love has killed more than any other disease.

Um..I thought it was high blood pressure.

He asks for one of her hairs in return. Again, lets just file this away for later. Click. Done.

Mary Margaret bumps into Catherine at the corner store as she's buying a pregnancy test. Oh dear. That means Prince Charming has been giving her the royal treatment. While Mary Margaret fights the urge to not have a temper tantrum in the aisle at the unfairness of life, the Mayor sneaks around a gum display and warns her to be discrete because their lives are private.

What an annoying witch/busybody! I hate her.

Prince Charming stands on the balcony looking for Lauren. Sorry, I mean he's looking 'forlorn'. The King confronts him about his love for Snow White. As future King, Prince Charming has to forget her and marry Midas' daughter and to love only her. The wealth and safety of the kingdom depend on it.

Yeah, because every royal wedding has been steeped in true love. *rolls eyes* 

But Prince Charming has a plan. He sends a letter with a dove. Dude, you killed a Dragon! Take your sword and ride into the night and find her.

Mary Margaret walks along the forest—Storybrooke is covered in trees—she finds a dove ensnared in a trap. Since she is a friend of all birds, except peacocks apparently, she drives directly to the ANIMAL SHELTER!

Excellent! Find the wolf with the freaky eyes. He will lead you to Schmexy.

What? A girl can dream, right?

David is standing beside an empty fish tank (it's an animal shelter not the dentist office!). The vet, in an obvious metaphor on the writers part, explains the dove needs to find her own flock she has migrated with or else she will die alone.

Mary Margaret is determined to return to the forest and reunite the dove with the others, who unbeknownst to Mary Margaret, ditched this dove on purpose. David reminds her (and us) there's a storm a coming. She says the dove doesn't deserve to be alone and leaves humming, Beyonce's "Put A Ring On It."

Emma has traded her leather jacket for rain wear, and is packing enough gear into the trunk of the police car for a rescue at sea. The Mayor asks about the mysterious stranger, citing there's something familiar about him. When the Mayor mentions he was chatting up Henry, Emma gets all mother bear and promises to check him out.

Snow White is about to drink her own hair tonic when a dove miraculously delivers the hand written note from Prince Charming. Like the owl post in Harry Potter! He asks her to come to him if she still loves him, and he will marry her instead.

Why not send a message back with the dove?

Mary Margaret is driving in a horrible rainstorm to deliver the dove back to her migrating flock. Stupid.

Snow White sneaks into the castle but is caught by one of the guards and thrown into the dungeon. Desperate to go to her true love, Snow White tries unsuccessfully to scale the rock wall only to be laughed at by another prisoner.

It's Grumpy! As she tries to pick the lock, Grumpy tells her he was in love and worked at a diamond mine but got framed for stealing jewels. His true love left him and he went to jail.

Fear not, because everyones favorite dwarf arrives to save the day. Of course I'm talking about Stealthy. Stealthy? There is no dwarf named Stealthy. What is this, the Smurfs?

Stealthy is true to his name and frees them both.

Mary Margaret falls down the side of a cliff leaving the dove trapped in the cage, forever. Way to go, dumb-dumb, now you're both going to die.

But Stealthy isn't the only one saving the day. Through the miracle of predictable plot sequence, David shows up, rescues her, and leads her to shelter.

Back in the catacombs of he castle, Snow White and the two dwarfs split up, resulting in Stealthy being killed by a castle guard.

And then there were seven.

The King orders Grumpy's death, but Snow White runs into the scene and offers herself in his place.

David and Mary Margaret find an abandoned cabin with three bowls of porridge waiting on the table.

Bears! Run!

Soon he has a fire going, but she's still shivering, and rebuffing any effort he makes to warm her up, well...you know what I mean. He stupidly asks what's bothering her.

Mary Margaret confesses her feelings for him haven't changed. David tells her he only gets coffee at 7:15 because she's always there reading her book. They stare at each other, lean close...and almost kiss.

Mary Margaret pulls back and tells him about Catherine buying the 'pee on a stick test'. David is clearly shocked.

Emma questions the new mysterious man about his box. Unfazed, he tells her he's going to make her wait and gives her a speech about carrying it to strange and mysterious places. This guy is like the Ring Master at a flea circus. I bet that frickin' box is empty.

Emma agrees to let him buy her a drink, and he opens up the box and shows her a typewriter.

He's a writer. Poor bugger. I can only imagine the amount of form rejections that are in his future. He leaves the pub/diner/laundromat, giving Emma a rain check on the drink.

His name should be Slick.

Mary Margaret sees the rain has stopped and takes the dove outside as David follows behind trying to get a few words in. Amazingly, the flock is waiting. Mary Margaret releases the dove and she flies into the sky, reunited with her family.

Without warning, Katniss fires an arrow into the flock taking down several doves for a nice shish kabob. If they were Mockingjays she would have let they them fly to Florida.

David tells Mary Margaret that even though his wife might be preggers, he's still in love with her.

We cool? Good. Let's make out.

Ew.

Mary Margaret pushes him away and takes the high road—literally, the rain washed out the lower pathway. She tells him they have to forget each other.

The King has Snow White in his clutches and talks about the 'love disease' (otherwise known as herpes). He tells her she has to lie to Prince Charming about her true feelings or the King will have Prince Charming killed.

Let's not forget this is the dad who sent his first son to a death fight with a dragon.

Snow White shows up in his bed chamber in order to tell him personally she doesn't love him.

Like me, he finds it hard to believe she came all the way and broke into the castle only to tell him, no thanks, let's just be friends. Especially done up in her leather pants and fur jacket, if she's not goign to a Black Eyed Peas concert, she's looking for love. He takes her by the shoulders, leans in...and nothing. These two have had so many 'almost kisses'.

Catherine confides to David her test was negative. She wants them to see Dr. Hopper for marriage counselling. He agrees and I'm super confused.

David again stays with his wife, and instead of going out every morning, he decides to make his own damn coffee.

Snow White leaves the castle crying. She's joined by Grumpy and...well, you know the others. Together, they mourn the Smurf that no one knew about. She shows them the elixir that will take away her pain. Grumpy advices her not to take it, even though he's lost someone too.

He doesn't want his pain erased. He needs pain. It makes him who he is. It makes him Grumpy.

Hmm, I wonder what makes Happy, happy?

Grumpy convinces her to put the bottle away for another day, and to just whistle while you work.

Mary Margaret is staring at the clock in her apartment... 7:15. Emma is there holding her hand. Be strong, girl.

Beyonce enters and sings, "To the left, to the left... "

Prince Charming rides on a horse and finds a little cottage. Red comes out of the thrushes like she's been combing the area for baby Moses. She tells him Snow White is shacking up with a bunch of little dudes. Prince Charming leaps back on his horse, determined to find her.

Grumpy enters the cottage with the great news that Prince Charming called off his wedding. Snow White is laying on her birch tree, queen size bed looking more like a pampered goddess than the housekeeper. She stares back confused. Grumpy sees the empty bottle of elixir.

Mary Margaret and David still end up getting coffee at the same time. What can he possible say to make her kiss him? He's already told her he loves her, and that they're meant to be together. Everything in his life feels fake except when he's with her. But she's always pushed him away!!

David finally tells her the four words every girl wants to hear her true love say.

My wife isn't pregnant.

Hallmark couldn't have phrased it any better.

Mary Margaret and David start making out in the middle of Storybrooke. Um...hello, Prince Cheating.

The Mayor glares at the couple from her car, and I have a feeling Mary Margaret is going to get an apple pie bomb in the mail.

Predictions for next episode: The stranger sells his typewriter to Mr. Gold for a lock of Snow White's hair. Henry walks around with his backpack but skips school anyway. The Mayor considers wearing pink, but then decides to keep going with the gray/black/white thing.