Top 11 Signs You're Living in a Romance Novel

First of all, no genre is cliché free.

And just because a plot is considered cliché, it doesn't mean no one wants to read it. On the contrary, commercial fiction is popular because the familiarity of the stories make them easy to digest. We tend to gravitate toward the cliché novels because we know we'll enjoy the story.  

So please read the following list with a grain of salt, and tongue firmly placed in cheek.

Top 11 Signs You're Living in a Romance Novel


#1. The hot new guy in your office ignores your brilliant charisma and instead zeroes in on the shy girl with mousy brown hair who never wears make up and keeps breaking the photocopier.

#2. All of your roommates are either working late, running out the door to go clubbing, or are too sick to notice that the sexy neighbor who just moved in may or may not be a werewolf.

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#3. Your best friend has been the same guy since grade one—even though no one ever stays best friends that long. Plus, you've secretly developed a crush on him.

#4. The most gorgeous girl in the office is also the meanest.

#5. Your best friend from #3 starts to date the girl from #4. You're upset, but not enough to tell him the truth because that would make NO SENSE AT ALL. Instead, you plan an elaborate ruse to win him over that blows up in your face the night of the Christmas office party.


#6. Your other best friend is a fashion diva, loves 80's music, and always has cookie dough in her fridge. Plus, she curses a lot.

#7. On vacation you have an impulsive yet mind blowing affair with a mysterious stranger, only to return to work to discover he's your new boss.

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#8. The seductive, sex crazed trainer at your gym suddenly decides the nondescript girl from your local coffee shop is the one for him and turns into an overnight Romeo, swearing off sex to prove his true love to her.

#9. All it takes to make you over into a super model is a pair of contacts and a hair straightener—and of course the right dress borrowed from best friend from #6.

#10. You hate him and everything he stands for, but because you're broke (and secretly need to flee the country) you agree to marry your best friend's brother in order to comply with the stipulation of his late father's will.

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#11. While on the ski trip your sister won through a singing contest, you get separated from her during a storm and end up stranded inside a remote cabin with a chiselled ski instructor with amazingly minty breath.

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BONUS!!!! Every hot guy has amazing abs and green eyes, however statistically suspicious that may be.

I hope you enjoyed this quirky list! Feel free to check out this excerpt from THE RIGHT FIT, a book that's as easy to digest as pumpkin pie and will leave you twice as satisfied.

Top 6 Reasons Why Real Teens Could Never Solve A Mystery

No offense to the queen herself, Nancy Drew...

OR these guys...

Disclaimer: I'm basing this opinion from observing my own teens and their friends. Don't get me wrong, these are lovely thoughtful kids...most of the time. And I truly believe they will contribute to society...at some point.

BUT! As I write the fourth book in the Nefertari Hughes series, I realize a lot of the skills Terry has to use in order to put clues together and solve the mystery are totally lacking in most the kids I know.

So plant your tongue firmly in your cheek and enjoy the top 6 reasons why real teens could never solve a mystery.

1.  They'll never be able to break into a safe to read a crucial document because they can't even figure out a combination lock when they have the actual combination. Seriously, the first day of junior high is basically everyone trying to open their locker.

2. Taking pictures of the suspect doing something suspicious is impossible for today's teens because no one knows how to work the camera unless it's used to take a selfie.

3. They would never be able to impersonate someone on the phone in order to trick the suspect into confessing incriminating information because they don't have telephone skills such as dialing and knowing how to ask for someone.

4. They don't have the stamina for a foot race to catch the suspect because they're so used to being chauffeured to all their activities. Plus, someone always needs to stop into Starbucks.

5. Confronting the suspect is out of the question. That would mean talking with someone face to face and reading their body language which would require listening and paying attention.

6. Unless it's on Google maps, no one is going to be able to find the hidden treasure.

BONUS! If they find a clue written in cursive—nope, just forget it.

I hope you enjoyed this. Any other suggestions?

Bad Writing Advice From Non-Writers

If you do something well, it looks effortless to others.

Juggling is a perfect example. However, most non-jugglers don't offer advice to someone, who say, is struggling with a new move or having difficulty earning a living at juggling.

Not writers, though. Holy Hannah!

All you have to do is mention that you're 1 (querying for an agent) 2 (trying to finish a book) or 3 (looking for a new way to promote your book to improve sales) and the knowledge that spouts forth from the milkman to the barista will knock you off your feet.

And what do I do with this advice?

I usually smile and say, "Good idea. I'll think about that." Because where on earth do you start to explain why their advice is so asinine?

Here are a few pearls of wisdom I've heard from non-writers...

1. "Why don't you write a screenplay instead?"

2. "Don't lose faith, JK Rowling had twelve rejections before she was published."

3. "Erotica is hot now. Write that instead."

4. "Put a vampire in it."

5. "Send a copy to Ellen, maybe she'll invite you on the show."

6. "Open your own publishing company then you can publish all your own books."

7. "Can't you buy an agent?"

8. "It can't be that hard. My sister-in-law wrote a book and sold it to Harlequin. She paid off her house in the first six months...and my sister-in-law isn't that smart."

9. "Books aren't really selling these days. Why don't you send in some funny jokes for Reader's Digest?"

10. "People are hooked on Netflix. Write something kind of like Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead."

Any of these sound familiar? Do you have any to share?

What Is Cody Thinking?

Ah, the complex mysteries of Cody's brain. In between naps, what does my ten year old cocker spaniel think about?

1. Wait. Is that the sound of the fridge being opened?
2. Mum’s looking at me. Time to get busy.
3. Wait. Is that the sound of a spoon mixing something in the kitchen?
4. What’s the girl doing? Does she have food?
5. I hear Master’s car keys.
6. What’s for breakfast?
7. I wish the boy would come and scratch my belly. 
8. That mailman had BETTER get out of the yard.
9. I need to stand guard at the door in case that old lady person walks by again.
10. I want to lie down and take a nap.
11. I want the boy to lie down and take a nap so I can lie down and take a nap with him.
12. Wait. Is that the old lady person?
13. I’m hungry.
14. I want the girl to feed me carrots. I should give her 'the sad face look'.
15. Where's the squeak toy? I miss the squeak toy.
16. I'm busy sniffing everything.
17. Don’t bother me; I’ve got lots of important napping to do.
18. What’s for lunch?
19. Wait. Mum's in the kitchen again.
20. I wish Mum would drop some food.
21. The boy is watching me; I have to look cute.
22. I totally run this house.
23. I hear Master's car; I must run to greet him.
24. I’m fierce and awesome.
25. What’s for snack?
26. Wait. Is that the fridge?
27. Yawn.
28. Was that a crow?
29. There's the little dog from up the street. I have to look like I care.
30. Oh! Sliced apples.
31. Mum.
32. Nap.
33. Time to scratch my ear.
34. I’m in charge.
35. What’s for dinner?

My Countdown List for Valentine's Day

#1. Eat a whole wheel of brie.

#2. Make book fort and stock with wine and double stuffed OREOS.

#3. Mail last year's Christmas cards.

#4. Adopt a baby penguin.


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#5. Open an orphanage for abandoned adverbs.

#6. Find out where Fifty Shades of Grey is showing and stay the eff away from those theatres.

#7. Order pizza and insist Dominos cut the pepperoni into heart shapes.

#8. Find Waldo.

#9. Watch the entire Dynasty series from start to finish.

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What are your plans for Valentine's Day?

Famous Canadians Separated at Birth



Most readers skip the intro, so ...

 Famous Canadian                                                                           Long Lost Twin


         Rex Murphy                                                                               Beaker from The Muppets


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         Phil Kessel                                                            Dan Corduroy from Gravity Falls


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              Kevin O'Leary                                                                        Dr. Evil

            giphy.com
                                                                  

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           Chris Hadfield                                          Constable John Constable
                                                                            The Beachcombers                                           



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       Jackson Davies                                                                                         Chris Hadfield
 

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                 Peter Mansbridge                                                                 Quaker Oats Dude 

 



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Pamela Anderson                                    Me! The resemblance is uncanny, isn't it!             

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And BONUS!!!!



          The Littlest Hobo                                                                   This dog from I Am Legend

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Congratulations! You made it to the end of this post. Now enjoy these other famous Canadians, April Wine.

 

This next skate is a slow one. Ladies choice.  

 

 

Sophia Veragara And I Talk About Being Sexy

This was a list complied by Sophia (*cough* marketing team *cough*) for a make-up manufacturer trying to sell its new brand of mascara. Besides buying the mascara, here are Sophia's other rules about being sexy.

Sophia.veragara.biography.org

Sophia: #1. Wear heels! Flats are for the unflirtatious.

Me: Cleopatra wore flats, so there.

Sophia: #2. Mess up your hair just a little. It's sexier that way.

Me: Awesome! Think of the time I'll save in the morning by not brushing my hair.

Sophia: #3. Sexy is a state of mind. Believe you're sexy, and you are.

Me: What if I'm believing that I'm sexy, but I'm wearing flats and I've brushed my hair.

Sophia: #4. If you've got it, flaunt it! Have nice legs? Wear short skirts.

Me: I've got asthma.

Sophia: #5. Be silly, not serious. It's sexier.

Me: This is the fourth time 'sexy' is used in this list. Oh, sorry! *shoves seriousness to the side and giggles instead* 

Sophia: #6. A push-up bra never hurts.

Me: If the underwire pokes out the end and digs into your flesh, then yeah, it does hurt.

Sophia: #7. Talk with a husky voice and keep it just above a whisper.

Me: How can I be silly with a husky voice that's just above a whisper? Everyone will think I have a cold or that I'm doing a bad Christopher Waken impersonation.

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Which rule is your favorite? Mine, not Sophia's...