The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "The Women Tell All"

Or better title "The Women Whine A lot"

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The worst thing about reality shows is that prior stars participants keep showing up, trying to mooch some camera time. We have to listen to the host probe ask Catherine about her wedding night with Sean. I'll spare you the witty banter because there was none.

Now it's time for the only reason people tune into this show; to see the women dish dirt.

Let the complaining begin...

First, there are the usual shots of Juan Pablo's chest and various other muscles. Yeah, we get it, he's hot. However, ABC seems like it's taking a page from Andi's playbook and begins to hint that maybe Juan is too hot and therefore must be superficial.

Most of the girls (some I don't even recognize) must have been talking with Andi backstage, and they use their last precious seconds of fame to call out Juan and his lack of interest in anything that wasn't related to his hotness.

Hmm...it's like ABC is trying to create drama to fill the hour and a half show.

Kelly, the dog lover, says the show doesn't portray what really happened and editing is to blame.

It's reality TV, not real life, dummy.

Andi pipes up hoping to get another close up and says Juan wasn't looking for a wife, he was looking for a girl friend.

*Gasp*

Of course. What kind of psycho signs up for a show thinking they'll fall in love with a complete stranger after a month? Oh...never mind.

It sounds to me like Andi is still pretty miffed that he didn't beg her to stay when she decided to leave the show. But she's a lawyer, so whatever she says must be true, right?

Actually, coming on the show to find a girlfriend or boyfriend would make much more sense. Maybe he's the only sane one of this bunch. Well, except Sharleen and Renee.

Kat turns up the heat a notch and calls Juan out for his ever changing rules on kissing and making out in the ocean with Clare.

Remember that debacle?

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 Sharleen sits with the host and defends her reasons for leaving the show. Most importantly she knew a proposal was on the line and she wasn't ready to commit to that yet.

She must have some sort of connection still with him because she ended up defending him when the losers non-rose receiving contestants, complained he was never curious about their lives.
Renee is next but I fell asleep during her video montage. But, guess what? She's engaged!

Hooray! Is it the little league coach?

Andi is up next and she holds no punches. Her main complaint, other than Juan not asking about her favorite ice cream flavor, is that he told her she barely made it into the top three.

Well, she was the one who dumped him, so I don't blame him for trying to save face. Plus, she's a lawyer and they're totally into telling the truth.

After that painful ordeal, it's time for Juan Pablo to sit and take his medicine. 

He says from the very beginning he wouldn't change anything and was just trying to be honest. He explained why he took things slow with Renee, but then he wandered off into weird kissing rules and I started to nod off again.

When I woke up Cassandra was all red faced and calling him out for being unfair to Renee's son, Ben.

Um...I think someone's still bitter about getting dumped on her birthday.

There's a boring discussion about being fair and equal and I really think if these women were concerned about those issues they wouldn't have signed up for the show anyway.

Moving on...Andi is still hoping for Juan to cry and admit that he should never have let her go. She brings up the whole 'you're looking for a girlfriend not a wife' argument.

Sharleen attests that he asked a lot of questions about herself.

Gee, maybe he only asked those kinds of questions to women he saw as potential wives.

Kelly the dog lover, is tired of the audience clapping at everything Sharleen says. She brings up Juan Pablo's remarks about how there shouldn't be a gay Bachelor. As the daughter of a gay parent, she was really offended.

Juan requests to ask to speak with Kelly privately after the show to better explain what he meant. Victoria pipes up from the back row and says she's tired of him using his poor English as an excuse.

Remember Victoria? She got loaded and proved to the whole world she's a mean drunk.

Sharleen parachutes in and rescues Juan again by saying in a particular conversation they had about that topic, he was open-minded.

                                                                            Lucy Goosey ;)

Lucy, 'the free spirit' ends the whole thing brilliantly. She says, "We're not in a game, we're in a relationship and all we wanted was to be treated equal by you."

Um...it is a contest. And you lost.

The host dangles the carrot by saying the final episode is something we've never seen before and to prove it, ABC shows us a teaser trailer.

There's bikinis, making out, beaches, and girls crying by themselves on hotel beds.

Yup, that sounds brand spanking new.

Here's what will happen next week. He'll pick Nikki. Clare will cry her 'tender heart' out. The End.

Actually, I'll be shocked if they're still together. I'm kind of wondering if Sharleen might change her mind.

Anyhoo, rumour has it that Andi will be the next Bachelorette. I hope the guys bring their bullet proof vests.

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "Overnight, Overcome, and Overboard"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "Overnight, Overcome, and Overboard."

huffingtonpost.com

 

Saint Lucia is the tropical setting for the three overnight dates.

 

Let me take a moment to gag.

Juan Pablo says, “This week is pretty important because in a week I will be proposing to someone.”

Someone?

He also says he's looking forward to getting to know the girls better without the cameras.

Uh-huh.

Claire is up first. She wastes no time telling us she's ready to be happy and to be in love.

And I'm ready for this show to be over.

Claire and Juan Pablo spend some quality cuddle time on a yacht. She says she's falling in love and tonight will be the perfect time to tell him. But at the same time it's scary because having all that happiness in front of her, blah, blah, blah...

She'd be saying the same thing about any other guy picked for the show. 

They have dinner which consists of drinks, candles, and pillows. Claire does a lot of lip puckering and hair flipping.

 

Juan Pablo offers the key to his fantasy suite. She mentions how he got upset about their 'midnight swimming' in Vietnam and how he wants to be a role model for his daughter. So how is this different than that moment?

“Well,” he begins, “This is different because there will be no cameras.”

She buys it hook line and sinker. Then she adds this little gem, “From the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him, I've been falling in love with Juan Pablo.”

And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why freaks and weirdos try out for the show.

They go to the fantasy suite where there are more candles and more pillows and more drinks. He tells her she's cute and steals a few kisses. Then he runs his fingers through her hair and asks, “What are you thinking?”

Which we all know is his way of asking the girls if they love him. Because making out with multiple chicks all over the world isn't enough. 

The soft piano music begins and it takes Claire a nauseatingly long time to choke out the words, “I love you.” 

They go in the hot tub and now the background music is soft Latin guitar. 

Hey, I thought they promised no cameras in the fantasy suite. No more footage!!! 

The next morning Juan says, “My sleepover with Claire was great, but today I have my overnight date with Andi. I like her so much.”

Andi is excited because she got her firearms through customs without too much hassle. 

They visit a market place, play steal drums, and have a picnic with a bunch of kids who have no idea who these ridiculous white people are.

Andi says, “I really want a man who I can travel with and enter villages and know we'll always be okay.”

What does that mean?

Juan takes Andi to another waterfall.

 

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Again? Didn't we do this a few episodes ago?

She asks him what her family said during the hometown date. He says, “Your mom was the easiest.”

...all night long. *snort*

Whatever, she thinks he's awesome. They make out under the waterfall...again. I hit fast forward...again.

They have dinner on a couch and Juan takes this time to ask her if she's fallen in love with him yet. He lets her know he's not into forcing things.

Exactly, Juan, because this show is nothing but natural circumstances.

Andi says she wants to over-think it instead of under-think it because there's a child involved.

Nothing she says makes sense. Is it just me? 

I miss Sharleen and Renee. I'm happy they're not on this show anymore, but I miss the conversations of normal people. 

Here's another quote from Andi, “You know Carmella, and I don't know Carmella, but you know parts of me and you know...sometimes I wonder what you think.”

He pulls out the key to the fantasy suite. “That's why it's good for us to have an overnight so we can talk about those things.”

Smoooooth.  

Of course she agrees. 

In the fantasy suite they sit on the same couch and drink the same wine he and Claire shared the night before. I think Claire's lipstick is still on one of the glasses.  

Juan wakes up super happy from his sleepover with Andi. “We frickin' laughed and talked for hours. She could be the one.”

Andi tells the camera that she thought the night was a disaster. She couldn't wait to get out of the fantasy suite in the morning. 

“Every time I started to talk about my feelings or my past he started to talk about himself,” she tells us. “He doesn't care about me. I don't like the side I saw. Then he told me about his overnight with Claire. Why did he even tell me? He has no filter. It's wrong. I can't be with a guy who loves himself more than me. It sucks that it took this long to figure it out.”

She cries because she's wasted her time being jetted around the world to exotic locations making out with this stranger.

I don't want to be the one who told you so, but remember when you didn't want to pose nude, but he convinced you it was a good idea?

 

Sorry.

Who knew? The show is ALWAYS successful at finding true love.

Juan changes into another tank top and lets us know he's excited to see Nikki. He also told us he enjoyed seeing Claire in her bikini all day. 

Nikki arrives in an outfit that can only be described as a Pocahontas bikini top and Austen Power pants. She likes Juan because their relationship is based on honesty. 

He says Nikki is so sexy.

They ride horses and frolic by the ocean. She hopes to tell him she loves him tonight. 

The evening portion of the date consists of them hanging out on the couch with him running his fingers through her hair saying, “What are you thinking?” But she stays quiet because she is so overcome with emotion.

Then he hands her the key to the fantasy suite.

This is so ridiculous.

Nikki takes the key and starts kissing him.

They go to the couch and start to make out again. She pauses and he says, “What are you thinking?”

I'm thinking I'm an idiot for watching this show.

Nikki finally says she loves him. Juan replies with, “You like me. I like you.” And then they make out while romantic synthesizer music plays in the background. 

Juan tells us, “I love kissing Nikki and I can't wait to let her see the real me.”

Whhhaaa?

The next morning Juan puts on a shirt with sleeves and buttons and meets up with the host to provide some footage for this pathetic episode. Juan says, “I feel good. I feel good about these women that I have.”

Juan has no idea what he's going to do at the rose ceremony so he looks at the videos the girls have made for him. 

Nikki's best quote from her video. “Our date last night was awesome.”

Claire's best quote. “You met my family and that was so important because that's my life. That's me.”

Andi arrives to speak with him in person. She lets him know she's not into him and will be leaving on the next plane.

 

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Juan says, “It's okay.”

This was the wrong response. Andi says, “It's not okay. It bothers me to hear you say that.”

“I can't force you to feel something. You're here because I like you since the second week.”

“But it shouldn't be okay. The fact you say it's okay makes me think you never had strong feelings for me.”

“Andi, English is my second language. What do you want me to do? Will I die? No. Am I sad? Yes.”

But Andi wants to make Juan cry or bleed or something...and she keeps nattering him. Personally, I think she went a little overboard on the whole 'okay' thing.

Weird that a lawyer would encourage an argument.

If she doesn't want to be with him anymore, why is she still sitting in her lace shorts arguing with him? But apparently Andi doesn't have a flight booked because there's loads of time to squabble.

Juan tells her, “To me it was a perfect date. If you wanted to talk about serious things, you could have told me then. I want you to be honest.”

 

Juan gives her a few crooked smiles and brushes the hair off her face. 

Andi is so mad because she didn't win the argument, and he's not that upset to see her go. 

He tells the camera, “She's a lawyer. I'm not going to argue with a lawyer.”

Juan walks away and gazes at the mountains. Andi monologues in the limo and starts to cry. “Am I ever going to find love?”

 

Meanwhile, Claire and Nikki are forced to stand beside each other for the rose ceremony. The host arrives and tells the girls that Andi is no longer a contestant. Juan Pablo comes out and tells them Andi chose to go home because her feelings weren't strong enough.

Nikki and Claire are stunned but excited since they got a free pass to the Showcase Showdown or whatever the final found is called.

Next week is the reunion show where the women tell all. I'm dreading it already.

 

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters"

 

 

 

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters"

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There are only four contestants left; Nikki, Andi, Renee, and Claire. And you know what that means? It's the home town date episode!

The first stop is a visit to Kansas City, Nikki's hometown. She takes him to the best BBQ restaurant in town. Yee Haw! And if that wasn't enough fun, she introduces him to mechanical bull riding.

“He made me dance in Korea, so this is pay back.”

Juan does great and she orders them a couple of beers. Nikki tells us she's ready to say the big 'L' word, but for some reason she doesn't feel it's the right time.

Maybe it's the mechanical bull giving you the stinky eye.

Nikki brings Juan Pablo to meet her family. She and her mom hug and cry while Juan Pablo shakes hands with everyone. They sit down and Nikki's dad welcomes Juan to the family.

That was easy.

Nikki's mom is totally on board. Her dad smiles and plays twenty questions with Juan. Nikki's parents trust her and if she wants Juan, they will welcome him into the family.

Duh, you already did.

There's a lot of talk about trust and love and support between Nikki and her parents. The piano plays softly in the background.

Nikki's family seem nice and well grounded. What the heck is she doing on the show?

She cuddles with Juan on the front porch. This would be a good time to say, “I love you, Juan.” Instead she says this, “Okay, good bye.”

She's not sure why she can't say it.

I do. It's because you're sending him to visit another girl he might propose to.

Next stop is Andi's home in Atlanta.

Juan says, “Andi is just...mmm.”

Before she takes him to meet her family, Andi and Juan hit the shooting range.

I won't lie. It was a bit disturbing seeing how accurate Andi was with that assault rifle. She tells us there is no way she can take him home to meet her family if he doesn't get a bulls eye.

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Oh dear.

I'm pretty sure Sharleen wouldn't have taken him to a shooting range.

Juan thinks it was a good idea. “Andi was so relaxed after shooting those guns.”

Andi lets us know her family will hold no punches and she's worried.

I'd be worried how many guns were in the house.

On the door is a sign with “Welcome Home Pookie!”

Andi tells us she's almost in love and her family will tip her in the right direction. Andi's dad makes it clear he's not excited to hear about all the dates with all the other girls.

He tells the camera, “They're infatuated with each other, but he's got three other girls in the same position.”

Andi's dad is the staring role of the voice of reason.

Patty, Andi's mom, does the first interview with Juan. He's a little worried until she asks him for a dance lesson. They salsa and have a good time, until 'the voice of reason' shows up with a few questions.

Andi's dad asks the one million dollar question. “What made you go on this show?”

Juan tap dances around that...sort of.

He tells Juan he can't give his blessing until Juan says Andi is the only girl for him. Andi tells her sister she's really into Juan and is close to falling in love. Her sister says she doesn't think Andi is punch drunk love.

Andi is bummed because no one can tell her that she should fall in love with Juan Pablo.

Ding dong. This is common sense calling. If you can't convince yourself you're in love, other people can't do it for you.

Andi tells us, “I think I felt something different tonight. I think I could be falling in love.”

I think you're feeling the beginning stages of herpes.

Sarasota, Florida is Renee's home. She hasn't seen her son, Ben, for two months.

Hold on. She meets with Juan first BEFORE she sees her son. That's stupid.

She waits for Ben at the ball field. When he arrives in his little league uniform, Renee pulls him in to a hug and I get a little weepy. That is until I realize he has to do this reunion with his mom while Juan stands there watching beside a camera man. 

Juan does his best small talk. Then he and Renee take to the stands. I'm sure Ben is loving having his mom and her TV boyfriend hang out in front of his teammates.

On a side note, the coach looked pretty cute. So if things don't work out with Juan...

Juan gets excited about all the sporty stuff he could do with a son.

Um...hello. Your daughter could play baseball too. *grumbles*

All three arrive at Renee's parents. Renee spends time catching up with Ben while her family interviews Juan.

Renee lets her mom know she's in LOVE with him. Her mom is happy she's sure about this dude, and her father says he hasn't seen her glow like this for a long time.

While the car patiently waits, Juan asks Renee what she's thinking. She says, “I'm thinking about a lot of things.”

Poor Juan, no one can say, 'I love you.'

When he drives away, she regrets not telling him.

Sacramento is up next!

“I'm so excited to be here,” Juan says. “When I'm with Claire I always have a good time.”

They hang out in Claire's favourite park. He says he's looking forward to meeting her family so he can see why she is the way she is.

True, dat.

Claire shares how she and her late dad talked about her wedding. She said when he died the emotional part of her shut down so she wouldn't feel pain anymore.

Juan meets Claire's five older sisters and her mother. I think there was a brother-in-law in the mix somewhere.

Her wisest sister takes her aside. Claire starts to cry and says she hasn't been in love since her father died and if Juan Pablo asked her to marry him, she'd say yes in a heart beat.

Juan talks with the other sisters and they are worried about Claire's 'tender heart'.

Claire's other sister, who is probably the most jealous or at least the most fed up with having to deal with a spoiled sister who cries all the time, asks how hurt she will be if Juan doesn't choose her. Plus, she doesn't think the family can give their blessing when neither one of them have said I love you.

Claire's mother stays quiet while the two sisters squabble. Claire cries and says all she wants is for them to be happy for her. The sister says, “I don't think you're respecting Mama.”

There is more bickering and I can't figure out which sister is more crazy.

Can you imagine what the house was like with these girls growing up?

Juan finally gets to talk with 'Mama'. They have a nice chat and she tells him he'd be welcome into their family.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The girls arrive in their stilettos and push up bras. Claire and Nikki have another five minutes of not talking.

The Host comes out and says words like; gravity, emotional, turmoil, decision...

Juan Pablo thanks the girls for sharing their amazing families with him. He gives Nikki the first rose. Claire gets the second.

Now it's down to Andi and Renee.

The stupid host comes out and reminds everyone there's only one rose left.

Andi gets the last rose.

Juan can't look at Renee without crying. He walks her to the limo and Claire licks her lips. Renee finally tells him she was falling in love with him. But she's happy because this ridiculous adventure has opened her eyes to what she could have.

Juan is weepy and says he has such great respect for her.

Renee leaves in the limo. She wipes away one tear and composes herself. “He obviously shared more meaningful moments with the other girls. I came here to see if I could find love, and I did. I'm very thankful.”

Dear Renee,

You handled that like a champ. I hope you date the little league coach.
  

Oh my nerves! Another episode tomorrow night! ABC is promising a 'shocking' development. I'm predicting disappointment in the lack of shock.

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"

pinterest.com

It's a new week and there are only fifteen girls left!

Cassandra, the cry baby from last episode, is going on the next solo date. She keeps telling us she hasn't been on a date since she was eighteen and she's really nervous. Juan Pablo tells us he realizes she has a child waiting for her at home and won't waste her time.

They spin around in an amphibious vehicle. That's a car that can drive on land and be a power boat on the water. We have several in Halifax for tourists, they're called the Harbour Hoppers.

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Cassandra has never heard of these. She says, “This is like something out of a movie.”

Or Halifax.

They 'park' beside a yacht and Cassandra is no longer worried or nervous. She peels off her cover-up, showing off her bikini. She says, “I'm going to trust Juan.”

'Trusting' Juan looks a lot like making out with Juan.

After frolicking in the water, they go back to his mansion and he cooks for her. She reminds us again that she hasn't dated in three years. He gives her an impromptu dance lesson to make her more comfortable.

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She says, “I'm so surprised I'm so relaxed.”

It's the wine, sweetheart.

They move onto dessert. She tells us again she hasn't had a date in three years. They look at pictures of each others kids. Cassandra tells Juan she's having a great time with him today. Guess how long it's been since she's felt like this for a guy?

Yes, that's right. Three years! Which coincidentally is how long this episode already feels.

The next day Juan takes the group date to a soccer field.

Side note, girls play waaaaay dirtier than any FIFA match. This should be interesting.

The girls show up and watch Juan play with the Galaxy team. The dudes show off their moves for the screaming ladies.

Oh Gawd! Horrible high school flash back.


Allie, the Nanny, is also a soccer player so she's totally stoked to show off. The girls have a quick practice with Juan and then they split into teams.

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Sharlene uses all of her body parts to block the ball, including her face. Juan thinks her grit is attractive.

One team won, one team lost. Whatever.

The evening portion of the group date consists of wine, candles and couches throughout the empty stadium.

Juan takes Nikki for the first one on one. She talks about how scared she is to 'open up and put herself out there.'

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I wish I had a nickel for every frickin' time those girls said that phrase.

He takes Andi, the lawyer, into the concession stand. They slip on slushies and talk about love. She tells us, “He makes me giddy.”

It's the sugar, babycakes.

Then they make out by the stainless steel fridge.

Allie tells Juan she wants to have five or six kids so they can have their own soccer team.

Nice strategy, Allie.

Juan takes Sharleen to the middle of the field and lays down a blanket. I'm waiting for her to break out into an aria. They have a steamy kiss and the other girls watch from the upper bowl.

But it's Nikki who gets the date rose.

Andi quickly questions her kissing technique, while Sharleen tells us. “I'm surprised by how much that bothers me.”

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Chelsea, "the science educator", is going on the last solo date. Juan says he wants to make her fears go away and starts singing to the Spanish song on the car radio. She rocks it out like any white girl who is desperate to look cool.

They eat burritos and stuff, then he takes her bungee jumping off a bridge.

Yup. That should help get rid of her fears. What the heck is it with these bachelors making the girls do these ridiculous stunts?

They get strapped together and Chelsea tells him she's terrified.

Juan tells us he's going to try and make her feel comfortable.

God, I hope he doesn't start singing again. If he really wanted her to be comfortable he'd let her back off.

They he says, “We'll do whatever you want to do.”

She steps on the ledge, then they back up...again. He tells her it's okay.


I'll spare you the next ten minutes of the back and forthing that keeps happening. She doesn't want to do it, but she's worried she's not going to get a rose.

Then they jump. Once the bouncing stops, they kiss, upside down, Spiderman style.

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She says, “If we can jump off a bridge together we can do anything.”

They have a private dinner—or at least there are candles and wine glasses.

Juan tells her his biggest fear is not being a role model for his daughter. Chelsea says she's most afraid of not being happy.

Really? I thought it was heights.

Then she tells him she's the black sheep of the family because she's a teacher and the rest of her family are dentists and doctors.

Hmm...brag much?

She gets the date rose.

Then they're treated to a private concert.

*Hits fast forward*

Listen, until they get Duran Duran up there, I'm not watching.

The next morning Juan surprises the girls with an early morning visit to make them breakfast. He looks hot, they're in panamas and no makeup. Afterwards, there's a pool party.

*Cue the bikini's and cat claws*

They all preen themselves pool side staring at Juan's abs.

Sharleen gets a little weepy and tells Juan all the cameras are freaking her out a bit. The cuddle turns into a kiss. Some of the girls aren't impressed. Claire escapes to the house to cry. Renee goes into therapy mode with her.

Oh-uh. Juan forgot Sean's golden rule; Don't make out when the other girls are watching.

Renee must be getting tired of listening to all these crying girls.

Claire goes to see Juan on the cuddle couch and lets him know she's NOT jealous but it was hard listening to hear all the girls talk about their awesome solo dates. Plus, she's been 'putting herself out there' and it's scary.

Juan charms her and soon she's smiling.

Renee and Juan should open up their own counselling clinic.

The rose ceremony is next.

The girls get their make-up and stilettos on.

Andi, the lawyer, gets the first rose. Followed by Renee, Kelli and her dog, Sharleen, Elise, and a few others. I can't name them all because I don't want to get too attached.

The last rose goes to...Danielle.

Lucy the free spirit and some blond chick I don't even recognize, are going back home to real life.

Too bad, they didn't even get a chance to leave the continent.

The blond cries and says this is her worst nightmare. Lucy is also weepy but she leaves us with some hopeful words. “I hope everyone in there finds love one way or the other because everyone deserves to be loved.”

Well, Lucy, at least two people will be happy.

Thirsty for more?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1, "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"

latinofoxnews.com

Remember Juan Pablo from last season's The Bachelorette?

He's a retired professional soccer player who now works as a travelling sports reporter. He's hot, has a great job, and a cute little daughter.

If Juan can't get a date then what the heck is the rest of the population doing?

Oh, he's looking for true love.

And everyone knows the best way to find true love is to make out with strangers on prime time.

He says being a dad is not easy, and that he's always thinking about how his actions will affect Camilla—no matter what he's doing.

Let's remember that little gem for a hot tub scene, shall we?

Juan tells us, “There's a person for everyone. And I'm hoping to fall in love.”

Well, it worked for all the other shows...right?

Sean from The Bachelorette Season 8 and The Bachelor Season 17 shows up to give Juan some advice. Maybe he's going for a record in consecutive reality show appearances.

Dear God, what pearls of wisdom will Sean bestow upon Juan?

Sean says, “Some woman will be wacky, just have fun and go with it.” Then he adds this, “When making out with one girl, make sure the others aren't watching.”

Good to know.

Buckle your safety belts! The girls are about to arrive. I can't wait to meet the crazy one.

Chelsie is a 'science educator'. Um...you mean like a teacher or is she a summer camp counselor?

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There's Renee, a single mom, who is in amazing shape. When do all these single parents have time to work out?

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Andi is a prosecutor with a penchant for dressing like she's rehearsing for Law&Order.

Amy is a massage therapist. She says, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.”

I think we just found our freak for this season.

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Nikki is a paediatric nurse. “I want that head over heels feeling. Juan is very sexy.”

Go girl.

Lauren tells us she has a great family life, but her love life sucks. She got engaged, had the dress ready, and the ring, then he broke up with her over the phone. “I want Juan Paulo!” She was already crying and the show hasn't even started.


I fast forwarded through the rest. Suffice to say, they all have long hair and big boobs.

The Host greets Juan Paulo and blah, blah, blah...

The first limo pulls up with loads of squealing.

Amy, a local news reporter is the first to tackle hug Juan Paulo.

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer and she brings a lot of awkward pauses.

Juan is soon overcome with how hot the girls are. He's ready to start picking wives from the first limo.

Nikki the paediatric nurse, brought a stethoscope and lets Juan listen to her racing heart so he can tell how nervous she is.

Hey, Juan got to first base already. Sean would be proud.

Lucy, twirls out of the limo in her white dress with no shoes and is wearing a crown of flowers. She says she's a free spirit. I think she's a fairy on a spy mission.

Lauren arrives on a bike playing the piano. I can smell the desperation through the TV.

Chelsie 'the science educator', tells him they should make chemistry together.

Groan.

Another teacher shows up and gives him a gold star sticker.

What the heck is with all the teachers?

The next girl, Clare, arrives with an obvious baby bump. It's a joke.

Oh my Lord! Amy, the massage therapist has arrived. She manages to keep her hands to herself.

Kelly, a dog lover—yes that's her actual job title, brought her dog. I can't wait to see the other women dodge the dog in their gowns and dresses.

Sharleen arrives in her flowing lavender gown. Juan LOVES her dress. She's an opera singer and she's from Canada! Yeah!

For the record, Sharleen is not only a Murakami fan, but she's the only one who put down someone other than 'Dr. Seuss' for Favorite Author.

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Andi the prosecutor, gets out of the limo in her navel skimming, low cut dress and makes Juan all silly. He even repeats her name a few times.

Yup, Andi's getting a rose.

When all the girls are assembled, Juan walks into the room and all the women giggle and stare at him. He tells them how beautiful they all are. Then he whips out the BOSE stereo and a dance party starts.

And you know what every party needs? Yes, drunk girls crying.

Nikki the nurse gets him alone and they chit chat, she makes him repeat her name a few times.

Smart.

Renee and Juan discuss their kids.

Lucy, the fairy queen, twirls around and tells him, “Don't be nervous, be sure.” He calls her a happy camper. I think he means crazy girl.

Amy decides the best way to bond with Juan is to give him a massage...with his suit on. She discusses how he's one of the most beautiful people in the world.

The Host brings out the 'first impression rose' and the girls are freaking out.

Lauren, the jilted bride, bites her nails and says she needs that rose.

One of the girls from the mid-west said that rose represents her future.

Interesting how normal people lose touch with reality soooo quickly on this show.

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Lauren monologues about her insecurities and starts to cry in front of the camera. “I can't believe I'm the one who's getting worked up.”

I hate to say it, but I did predict this.

Lauren waits alone on the couch. “I want him to see the good energy I have, but I'm breaking a little bit.”

Juan finally meets up with her. Lauren tells Juan about her ex-fiance and how she was ready to be a step-mom to his young son. She's smiling through the story of her break-up, but cries again to the camera.

Andi tells Juan she's a lawyer and he says, “Wow you read a lot.”

She replies with, "I send bad people to jail."

Such compelling conversation for a first date.

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Juan has some time with Sharleen the opera singer. He compliments her again how much he loves her dress. He tells us her elegance and worldly presence sets her apart from the other girls. He gives her the first impression rose.

She stares at the rose and stammers, “Sure. Thank you.” She's shocked, but she tells the camera she wishes there was more of a connection. She seems awkward to have the rose in front of so many girls who are salivating for it.

I'm thinking Sharleen is just realizing only wackos sign up for this show.  

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Claire, a girl with long hair and big boobs.

Nikki the nurse is next.

Renee the single mom, also gets a rose.

Andi the lawyer gets a rose. No shock there.

Oh my God, he chose the girl with the dog!

Chelsie the 'science educator' also gets a flower.

Cat is called and Kylie steps forward. Insert awkward moment. Kylie steps back and blinks away tears.

Lucy the fairy skips across the floor for her rose.

There is only one rose left, so of course the host comes out to tell us there's only one rose left.

Kylie, Amy the massage therapist, Lauren, and a bunch of other nameless chicks are left.

Some other girl gets the rose.

Amy cries and says, “I put myself out there completely.”

No, you got on a plane, put on a dress and gave a dude a massage.

Kylie pouts in her neon pink lipstick and lets us know her heart is breaking. She's so ready to find that perfect person.

Lauren says she tired of people feeling sorry for her. She's also shocked she's going home on the first night.

Dear Lauren,

Sell that wedding dress and book a cruise.

She leaves us with these words of wisdom, “I'm going to go home to my family and try to get back to normal.”

Amen to that, sister.