Once Upon A Time Season 5 Episode 11 "Swan Song"

Or better title "I Have No Idea"

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Let's recap: Seeking revenge against Emma for turning him immortal to save his life, Hook (now a Dark One with the inability to make choices based on empathy) is attempting to literally drag Emma's entire family to Hell.

Why?

I have no idea.

Maybe because the mid-season finale needed a ticking time bomb.

There's been so much build up to Hook revealing himself as the man he truly is that I was hoping for a flashback of some substance that would explain why he's unable to fight the darkness like Emma. Who, by the way is acting very much like her pre-Dark One self. And wasn't that the whole motivation for season 4? Making Emma's heart dark? Not really much of a threat after all.

Ever Been To Sea?

Okay, so we see a young Killian and his brother, Liam abandoned by their father. Actually, he sells them into ship slavery before mounting a swimming horse...I think.

Mental note: Are all the parents in Fairy Tale Land vicious? Not one character has had a descent upbringing. Except maybe Grumpy, but he hatched out of a huge egg fully clothed.
 
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, the Dementors had arrived!

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And everyone is being branded with a Dark Mark that actually looks like a bumble bee, which acts like a one way ticket on the ferry boat to hell—literally.

The dwarves show up because they have a pivotal role to play in this episode.

Bwhahaha! Just kidding. I have no idea why they're there.

While everyone does nothing and just waits for the moon 'to become it's fullest' Mr. Gold saunters out from the alley to give everyone a lesson on the latest plot hole. If you have a bumble bee mark on your arm you will be swept into hell, no passing Go, no collecting $200.

So everyone, dwarfs included, decide to run to the library because there must be a book about this "Moon That Sends Everyone To Hell".

Before anyone gets a paper cut, Mary Margaret monologues about how she's ready to see the end of the world eating cheese burgers at Granny's with all of her loved ones by her side.

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Instead of riling up his wife to channel her inner Snow White and kick some Dark One butt, he says, "True dat, babe. Besides these old books smell like book farts."

Emma says she'll meet them there, then she pulls Regina aside and I'm so excited because finally these two will proclaim their love for each other and it will be the love that spilt the world in half and True Love's kiss will sweep all those dementors/Dark Ones back to hell.

But, no. Emma says she has a plan to save everyone. She's going to use Excalibur to suck all the darkness from Hook and the Dark Ones. Then she'll absorb all that darkness, and kill herself with Excalibur.

I liked my plan better.

Anyway, putting an arm around her shoulders Regina takes Emma to Mr. Gold's shop asking for Excalibur. He hands it over without asking for anything in return and says, "Your a brave woman."

This was a perfect scene based on the inner struggle of all three characters with good and evil and the choices we make and who we love...it was awesome.

The show should have ended right there.

Then Emma tearfully tells Regina before she carries out this epic plan to save everyone, that she wants to spend her last moments with the people she loves the most, so could Regina go to Granny's with her?

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Kiss her, Regina! Kiss her now!

And completely out of character, Regina is like, "Thanks, but I have to hang out with Robin and Baby Hood."

Why would she abandon Emma when she needs her the most? They've been there for each other during the highest stakes! Why?

I have no idea.


Family Ties

Regina leaves Emma in order to deal with Zelena, which is ridiculous because all it took was the use of a sparkly wand which Regina was unable to use until this episode because...why?

I have no idea.

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Emma drops by Granny's and leaves a goodbye note explaining her save Storybrooke plan even though she's still a Dark One. Saving others by murdering yourself is the most unDark Oneish thing imaginable.

In a desperate attempt to create some kind of last minute loop hole, Regina corners Hook down by the docks and eludes to a super secret past they have together. "Remember the time I hired you to kill my mother?" she starts.

Why would a magical Queen need a drunken pirate to kill her even more magical and even more evil mother?

I have no idea.

But first Hook had to prove he had the gumption to carry out the deed by murdering his own father. Wow, could it really be him? After all those years? Yes, Hook's dad works in a pub. But he reveals that he's a changed man and is truly sorry for selling little Hook and his brother, Liam. He fell under a sleeping curse, was kissed awake by his nurse (his true love) but then she died from a plague.

Though Hook was a fierce pirate who was bent on revenge, he can't kill his dad. Instead he demands he leave the country. His dad is fine with this, but then Hook discovers his dad had another son and called him, Liam. How dare he!

Hook is so upset that he ends up killing his dad anyway.

This dude is out of control.

Fare Thee Well, Love

Back in Storybrooke, the pure hearted Mr. Gold does his best acting and suggests that Belle take his car and go see the world. He gives her a talisman that will allow her pass the town line and says, "Go on, no one uses the library anyway. Enjoy some espresso and IMAX. We'll be waiting when you get back."

Belle is easily fooled and grabs the keys without looking back.

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After applying some lipstick Emma gets Excalibur but is confronted by Hook. All the drama and tension has led up to this moment. They argue about love and who will pay the mortgage on the house now. Then suddenly Henry is in front of her. Emma goes all slack. Henry takes the sword and transforms back into Hook.

Why did she fall for that?

I have no idea.

Suddenly everyone is at the pond (portal to hell). Hook confronts Emma (AGAIN!) about how he couldn't wait to get revenge on her for saving his life and making him a Dark One.

Um...before he was like, "I love you, let's live together in this house with an awesome view of the sea." And now, just because he's a Dark One, he's sending her entire family to hell—except baby Neal because everyone has forgotten about him.

Anyway, he snatches Excalibur away from Emma so easily while everyone just shuffled around and watched. Regina finally shows up and says, "Hook, you're being a big jerk. Grow up."

Hook replies, "Shit, you're right. I'm going to suck all the Dark Ones into this sword and then Emma will stab me and I will save the day."

Why did he change that quickly?

I have no idea.

Emma's like, "No! I can't lose you. I should be me."

He says, "Your family needs you. I deserve to go to the underworld. And there's that kiss between you and Regina that still needs to happen."

FYI: You can't be the hero if you fix the mess you made.

Emma stabs Hook!!!!

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Instantly, red leather jacket Emma Swan is back. Hook's grotesque neck wound reappears and he dies in her arms.

Regina is by Emma's side, "Be strong girl. Chin up, buttercup."

Kiss her, Regina! Kiss her! 


Dumb and Dumber

Across town, completely naïve about the portal to hell, Belle returns red cheeked and runs to Mr. Gold's arms. She says, "You can't get rid of me that easily." They kiss and make-up and Mr. Gold is starting to realize that Belle, while well read, has zero street smarts.

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Wandering Storybrooke, Emma senses Excalibur is close by. She follows the sound to Mr. Gold's shop. And he's all, "Okay, you got me. I performed a quick spell that somehow cleaved apart the Excalibur. When you stabbed Hook, all the darkness returned to the dagger. I'm the Dark One again." And he shows her the dagger, now engraved with the name, Rumplestiltskin.

How come Emma isn't still the Dark One? Her name was the last on the dagger? Why?

I have no idea.

She says, "You fooled us all. So all that awesome character development and struggle with your character these last few seasons was...?"

"Pointless," he answers. "Yes. It's just like season one again. Including your wardrobe."

And here's the big cliffhanger!

Emma makes a deal with Mr. Gold for the thousandth time, she'll keep his secret from Belle if he gets her into the underworld to save Hook.

Ugh.

Who was the MVP?

#1. Hook's half brother

#2. Emma's lipstick

#3. Mr. Gold's car

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 9 "Shattered Sight"

Or better title, "Where's Ruby?"



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With the Snow Queen's 'shattered sight' curse in full swing, Storybrooke begins to turn against itself. Mary Margaret and David trade insults across the bars of their cells while Kristoff listens in, convinced all marriages end up this way.

Anna gives up trying to sweet talk Kristoff, she joins Elsa and Emma, trying to brain storm how they plan to battle the Snow Queen. Anna tells them that the shattered sight spell is based on an old Norse legend. In the story, villagers finally broke the spell by killing the king who had cast the spell.

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With murder on their minds, Emma and Elsa leave baby Neil with Anna as they try to figure out a way to kill the Snow Queen.

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Mr. Gold packs for his final departure from Storybrook and acts as the loop hole answer guy. Hook stumbles in, disgusted with how everyone stealing and beating each other up like pirates. Mr. Gold explains that Hook is spared from the curse because his heart isn't in his chest.

I'll try and remember that for the quiz at the end, thanks, Mr. Gold.

He then reminds us of his diabolical plan that involves the stars in the sky perfectly aligning with the stars on his magic hat.

And once this happens (tomorrow night) he'll have enough power to cleave himself from the dagger.  And once that happens...he'll be able to leave Storybrooke with his powers intact and with Belle and Henry in tow.

Phew. Got that?

With the lesson over for the day, he orders Hook to go find where Henry is hiding so he can kidnap him and put him to sleep like Belle. "They'll have no memory of Storybrooke," he says with a Grinchy grin. "Then I'll finally be the hero...not the villain."

Hey, that's Regina's line.

The Snow Queen walks unnoticed among the violent streets (and by violent I mean someone spits) and retrieves two purple stones from her ice cream shop.

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Emma and Elsa arrive to stop her with their slick hand moves, but the ribbons they wear make it impossible for them to harm the Snow Queen.

Darn. What now?

We flashback to young Emma. She's having a hard time at her new foster home—you know, the one run by Ingrid. Emma tries to run away, but Ingrid takes her aside and encourages her to scare the crap out of the tough kid who is bulling her.

Wow! Great psychology. How did you become a foster parent?

Emma and Elsa try everything they can think of to slice the ribbons, but they seem indestructible. Then Emma has an absolutely absurd idea; she reasons since the ribbons which are bond by unfathomable love can only be broken by incredible hate.

Huh?

Who cares? It's a plan. They go to Emma's number one enemy...Regina.

The Snow Queen lounges in her ice palace and brings out a memory from one of the purple stones. We see young Emma and Ingrid having a fun day at the amusement park. With Ingrid's encouragement, Emma uses extreme concentration and manages to get the toy she wanted from the Claw Machine.

Actually, if you've ever tried, getting anything from that machine is a frickin' miracle.

There are tears in Ingrid's eyes as she tells Emma she is super special and has a wonderful gift and to never give up and blah, blah, blah...they hug.

Then Ingrid tells Emma she wants to adopt her. "I'll be the best big sister you could ever hope for."

Cha-ching! A big sister who will someday own an ice cream shop!

Emma uses her magic to break through the containment spell around Regina's vault. Regina has changed into her usual evil Queen attire that's a cross between Prince and The Matrix.

After Emma and Elsa mock her, she throws a fireball of hatred at them. It works! The magic of hatred breaks the ribbon. They skedaddle out of there speedy quick.

Hook finds Henry in the Mayor's office. He breaks in, but Henry manages to slip away after Hook slips on a floor covered in marbles.

*cough* Home Alone *cough* 

Young Emma goes all fangirl over Harry Potter and Ingrid thinks this is a good time to tell Emma she's magic.

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But instead of telling her, Ingrid pulls Emma into the path of a car and orders her to stop the racing vehicle by trusting her instincts. Emma freaks out and runs away, bummed that the only person who wants to adopt her is wacko.

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Regina is loose on the town and full of revenge. She arrives at the jail ready to kidnap baby Neil. She makes Anna and Kristoff disappear and lets Mary Margaret out of jail. She gives her a sword and the girl fight begins.

We see Ingrid arrive in Storybrooke with her scroll from the magicians apprentice, hoping to find a twenty eight year old Emma.

The Snow Queen is a little upset the girls have lost their ribbons. Still, she offers the purple memory stones. But Emma isn't buying her act. "Magic can't make you love someone," she says.

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I feel another lesson coming...

The Snow Queen replies, "If you loved someone in the past you can love them again."

Um...what about magic?

The Snow Queen knows they've come to kill her, but they're silly baby monkeys and can't even burn toast with their powers let alone take down her.

Emma arrives in Ingrid's ice cream shop and is shocked to see the crazy foster mom from twenty years ago. Emma threatens to call Sheriff Graham.

Aw, Sheriff Graham. Let's have a moment, shall we.

Okay, back to the story.

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Ingrid uses the purple stone to take away Emma's memories of their time together and then gives her an extra scoop of Rocky Road.

Kristoff and Anna find themselves on the beach not far from where their trunk washed ashore. He argues about wanting to leave. Anna sees the bottle that came up from the ship wreck with them through the portal. She breaks it over Kristoff's head to keep him from swimming back to Arendale.

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Now that the bottle is broken, she finds a letter from her mother. She reads a few lines and knows she has to find Elsa speedy quick.

Anna stumbles into the Snow Queen's ice palace because even though she's never been there, she knows that's exactly where to find Anna. She starts to read her mother's letter: it's a confession about Ingrid and Helga. She regrets hiding Ingrid all those years instead of celebrating her special powers. Plus, there's the time she sucked her into an urn and hid it away in a cave forever.

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It is her last wish for Anna and Elsa to take the purple memory stone and allow the kingdom to know Ingrid and Helga.

The Snow Queen has a heart that will not melt!

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She calls Anna a liar and freeze slaps her. But when she grabs the letter and starts to read, she gets all teary eyed. Before they can start an all girl, all family band though, Ingrid has to end the curse.

She realizes she has to die. "It wasn't my powers that made me a monster, it was what I let myself become," she says.

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A swirling cloud of glass enwraps her. She gives both Emma and Elsa back their memories. Then she smiles because she's about to get her happy ending. "I have my sisters love and now I can join them."
 The cloud engulfs her and she disappears.

*Cue the girls running down the hill looking for the kite*

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A cleansing snow of metaphorical portions begins to fall.

As the fluffy white stuff covers Storybrooke, Granny and the dwarfs stop wrestling in the street. And Regina and Mary Margaret laugh at her matrix-hooker outfit.

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It's all one big hug, Storybrook style. But hey, where's Ruby? 

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Check out my other recaps here.

 

 

 

 

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 8 "Fall"

Or better title "Just Use Magic"

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Ingrid has cast the shattered sight spell, now all she has to do is hang out in the forest until sundown and wait for the people of Storybrooke 'tear themselves apart until everyone is dead.'

Gross.

Since Mr. Gold is the dark one and basically immune to this spell, he wants to her to spare Belle and Henry. In return, he promises to never try and hurt her. She agrees.

In a pathetic attempt to leave Storybrooke, David tries to scale the frozen wall but causes an icicle avalanche. However, a crack in the ice reveals Anna's necklace.

Emma and Elsa reason since they are wearing the ribbon bracelets they are immune to the shattered sight curse.

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Belle is doing research on the spell. Elsa arrives with Anna's necklace. Belle proclaims that mirror dust is embedded in the necklace and this allows them to figure out in three seconds that Anna must have been under the shattered sight spell when she put Elsa in the urn thirty years ago.

Get all that?

Plus, Belle also figures out that if they find Anna, maybe they can make an antidote with her blood or DNA or something. Elsa is like, Whatever, I have her necklace lets do the locator spell.

Back in Arendale, Anna and Kristoff thaw from Ingrid's spell. Anna looks for the urn, but finds gold straw instead. Again...the characters rationalize like time bandits and Anna deducts that Rumpelstiltskin and NOT Ingrid has the urn.

Hans and his brothers have also thawed and claim to be the rightful rulers of the kingdom.

Why? How does that make any sense?

A sword fight ensues, but Anna and Kristoff manage to get away.

Hook and Mr. Gold discover the ice surrounds the harbour as well so there's no escaping by water. Also, apparently the fairies have taken over Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat as a magical laboratory to combat the shattered sight spell just in case Anna shows up with her DNA.

Elsa pours the locator spell on the snowflake necklace. It starts to glow and it leads them to the library. They somehow end up in the mines, but there's a blocked passage. Anna insists they blast through, but Emma doesn't like that idea because...?

I have no idea why because they'll end up using magic anyway. 

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Back in Arendale, Anna tells Kristoff she read in her mother's diary about a magical object called 'the wishing star'. The next step isn't to go see Rumpelstiltskin but to check out a pirate named Black Beard because that's who has the wishing star. And that's how they're going to find Elsa—sorry, I thought they figured out Rumpelstiltskin had the urn—And she'll help them save Arendale from Hans and his brothers.

They find Black Beard who happens to be sailing the Jolly Roger. Anna makes a deal, but it's soon apparent they've walked into a trap. Hans and his brothers have already found the pirate.

Grumpy meets with Elsa and Emma, he figures he and the dwarfs can pick axe their way through the blocked tunnel in a few hours. Regina says they have NO time. The spell will be cast at sunset.

David arrives and tells them that Belle just called from Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat/laboratory and the fairies can use the mirror dust from the necklace to make a counter potion, but it will destroy the locator spell.

Everyone thinks this is a huge conflict. Save Anna or save the town.

Um...if you use the necklace to save the town you can find Anna another way, right? I mean the dwarfs can still get through the wall.

Anyway, Emma breaks it to Elsa that they've all decided the necklace will be used to save the town. Elsa hands over the pouch containing the necklace and tearfully sneaks away.

Hey! Why is she sneaking away?

Mr. Gold arrives at Granny's meth lab. All the fairies (dressed as Nuns by the way) are working with smoking beakers. The blue fairy is there—didn't she die in Season two?—Emma and the others arrive, but they soon discover Elsa has given them a bag of pebbles.

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Emma catches up with Elsa back at the blocked passageway. Elsa uses her magic (told ya!) and it opens to the beach. But Elsa won't give up, the snowflake pendant is still glowing. There's still hope!

Meanwhile on the Jolly Roger, Anna and Kristoff are tied up and placed in a trunk. Before he closes the lid, Black Beard takes the time to confess that he met Anna's parents and that only the snowflake pendant can be used by someone true of heart.

Hans is in charge of like EVERYTHING, I guess. And it's on his orders that Anna and Kristoff get thrown overboard. He also lets them know the freezing spell had lasted thirty years.

Thirty years! I thought these were flashbacks!

Elsa wanders the beach and nearly loses faith when the pendant stops glowing. Even as she monologues about the snowflake pendant. The creepy spell cloud slowly encroaches on the town.

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Anna and Kristoff land beside the sunken ship of Anna's parents. They spend their last few breaths, holding hands and telling each other how much they're in love.

Glug. Glug. Glug...

Elsa holds the pendant close to her heart, talking about faith. She wishes that Anna could be with her.

Shazam!

The pendant WAS the wishing star. 

The trunk washes up on shore in front of Elsa and Emma. A barnacle covered bottle from the parent's shipwreck also comes ashore.

Yay! Reunion.

After Mr. Gold slips Belle away from the fairies, Hook arrives with the magic sucking hat and is forced to take away all the fairies...and their super fairy power. Even the resurrected Blue Fairy gets the vacuum treatment.

With the fairies disappearance and all hope (and faith) gone, loved ones are locking themselves up to prevent any dismemberment.

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Mr. Gold tells Hook he's going to wait until tomorrow before he leaves with Henry and Belle.

Why not now?

Mary Margaret and David tearfully hand over baby Neil, while they get locked in separate cells. They hold hands through the bars.

Regina keeps Henry safely in her house with a protection spell, then she locks herself in her vault of hearts.

Everyone chains themselves down. The cloud approaches. The Snow Queen is positively radiant. The spell falls over everyone. Mary Margaret and David look at each other, then drop their hands.


Question of the Episode:

Even if Hook is under the control of Mr. Gold, since he has the most powerful magic hat ever, can he use it against Mr. Gold...or even the Snow Queen? Let me know what you think.

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 19 “A Curious Thing”

Or better title “Mulan's Revenge!”

 

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Snow White and Charming decide to announce to the kingdom that they're pregnant. The Evil Queen says they're loopy. Belle arrives and breaks the news that Neal is dead and Rumpelstiltskin is alive, but they're sharing the same body...or something like that.

Plus, the wicked witch has the dagger to control the Dark One.

Prince Phillip and Aura finally get a few lines. They drop the bombshell that the wicked witch is after Snow White's baby. They didn't say anything at first because she promised to destroy them if they spilled the beans.

And since they just spilled the beans...the wicked witch arrives and turns Aura and Phillip in to flying monkeys.

How does Mulan feel about this?

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Eight months later Snow White and Charming sit around the council table still trying to come up with ideas for defeating the wicked witch. The Evil Queen wonders if Rumpelstiltskin can help them.

It took eight months for them to figure this out?

Charming suggests they break into his castle, but Regina says that's impossible because his magic is so strong. Robin Hood brags he broke in last season to steal a bow and arrow.

Robina (Regina and Robin Hood) make out in the hallway of the bed and breakfast. She promises him that once she gets her heart back it will be AH-SOME. He says, “Use my heart for the both of us.”

To do what?

Regina arrives flushed to a meeting with Mary Margaret, Emma and David. They discuss why Zalena brought them all back to Storybrooke. They ask things like:

To cast the spell you have to give up the thing you love the most.

We must already know how to defeat her, that's why they have no memories.
         
Since Emma broke the curse by believing in magic and kissing Henry, but she's done both of  those things already.  

Henry must be the one to save them all. He has to believe in magic and kiss someone...okay maybe just believe. We need the storybook!!!

Zalena has Hook duck tapped in the truck of a car. She demands he kiss Emma. If he doesn't get busy and take away her magic by the time Mary Margaret has her baby, she'll kill Henry.

This would never happen to Hook if he had a unicorn. Just sayin...

Robin Hood easily breaks into Rumpelstiltskin's castle. He and the Evil Queen squabble like all good would-be lovers do at the beginning of their love story.

They find Rumpelstiltskin inside a cage spinning gold and babbling. Remember, he has Neal inside his head as well.

Snow White asks him how to stop the wicked witch but he only answers with a rhyme.

Belle uses her Australian accent and the power of love to reach through his layers of glitter gold makeup. He tells her the answer is light. “Find the good witch of the south.”

Of course. And I bet she'll be riding a unicorn.

Mary Margaret tells the others that the 'Once Upon A Time' book appeared in her closet when Henry needed it the most. Maybe it's still there?

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While Emma is running all over Storybrooke, Henry is fed up with all the lying. He's so upset his voice cracks. He takes her keys and hustles up to their room which above Granny's pub/diner/laundromat...oh my gosh, it's ALSO a bed and breakfast.

Henry takes her car keys, but before he can leave Storybrooke, Hook arrives with a better idea.

Emma, David and Mary Margaret search the apartment. Ta da! She finds the book! Regina grabs it, determined to figure out whose heart Zalena crushed to cast the curse.

Snow White and the gang hustle to the dark forest to find the white witch. They find a door that leads to nowhere.

Hmm? It's probably nothing.

Snow White and Charming enter easily and end up in a snow covered forest...Narnia?

Uh-oh. I remember the white witch being mean in this story.

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The white witch says her name is Belinda. She tells them Snow White's baby is pure of heart and also has the gift of magic.

She ALSO tells them she was childhood friends with Zalena.

Pay attention, folks. Rules get thrown out faster than last week's leftovers.

Zalena was born with powerful magic. She has a pendant that keeps all her magic focused. If she loses the pendant, well...you can guess the rest.

Also, only someone who is pure of heart and a purveyor of white magic (magic made from love) can defeat Zalena.

Did you get that? Good because there will be a test at the end of the post.

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Charming and Snow White realize that Emma is the only one who can defeat Zalena. But, oh no! She's in Storybrooke. They must enact the dark curse that will bring them back to her world.

Charming offers his heart so Snow White can cast the spell. The Evil Queen is like, “You guys are cray, cray.”

Emma realizes Henry is missing. Hook has taken him to the dock and is arranging for Bill Smead to take him to new York. Before you can say, “Ahoy,” a gang of flying monkeys arrive. Hook fends off the attack while Henry runs away screaming.

Henry, of course, falls. Emma and her posse arrive and throw balls of fire, vaporizing the monkeys. Emma shows Henry the 'Once Upon A Time' book and asks him to believe.

I think the flying monkeys helped.

Everyone holds their breath.

Henry takes the book and experiences three seasons of episodes in two seconds. He remembers and everyone cries. “Hurry”, Regina says. “Break the curse!”

Zalena arrives and magics Henry into a choke hold. She sneers and says that Hook is to blame for Henry's death.

Regina rushes to Henry's rescue, but Zalena easily sends her flying back, smashing into the ground.

Henry starts to turn blue. Emma uses her super power — no not the 'I can tell when someone is lying' super power — just regular magic this time.

Zalena's hands are burned! She backs off and threatens that the next time no one will survive...or something like that.

Henry falls on his knees beside Regina's crumpled form. She's not moving.

Snow White, Charming and the Evil Queen stand around a bubbling cauldron. Snow White says she can't crush his heart. He says, “No worries, we share the same heart. Every time you look at our little baby, you'll see my love for you.”

This is followed by more tearful love pledges. He tells the Evil Queen he's ready.

“This is going to hurt,” she says. Then she thrusts her hand into his chest. Snow White takes it and crushes it over the cauldron.

Charming falls to the ground, dead.

The wicked witch arrives and adds a forgetting clause to the spell. She tells Snow White and the Evil Queen, “You'll never defeat me if you can't remember who I am.”

Regina wakens and sees Henry is all right. She kisses him and says she'll always love him.

Ta-da! The curse is broken.

Mary Margaret and David let Emma know they are the ones who cast the curse so they could return and have her defeat Zalena with her pure magic powers and stuff.

“Whoa,” she says. “If you had to sacrifice the thing you love the most, why are you both still alive?”

The answer? Unicorn!

Back at the cauldron, Snow White tells the Evil Queen that she has to split her heart in half and then put the second part in Charming's chest. “I love him enough to fill both of our hearts!”

Aw. *rolls eyes*

The Evil Queen performs the Enchanted Forest's first heart division and transplant.

Charming wakes up. There's more kissing and love pledging.

Thunder cracks and the curse takes them back to Storybrooke.

Henry and Regina reminisce. He tells her all about New York. And he's pleased she's not evil anymore. Robin Hood shows up and Henry is stoked he has all these cool relatives.

Emma demands to know what Hook was up to. He says, “Zalena put a cast my lips.”

I should really do a top ten list of most ridiculous lines from this series...

Mary Margaret and David tell him that the message with the memory potion wasn't sent by them. Hook gets all defensive. “Then who did?" he asks. "Who else knew where Emma was living?”

Um...duh. Zalena.

Rumpelstiltskin watches as the wicked witch mixes a memory potion so that she'll remember when they go to Storybrooke. She gives it to Rumpelstiltskin. He's ready to guzzle the bottle to forget Neal is dead. Then Neal breaks out of Rumpelstiltskin's body. He scrawls a message, ties it to the bottle and sends it off with a pigeon to the Jolly Roger.

Loose plot hole tidied up.

A flying unicorn would have been more impressive than a pigeon.

Henry puts a rose on Neal's grave. He cries and asks Emma if it was hard to come back to Storybrooke. She tells him she knew he'd want her to because heroes never give up...or something like that. He smiles and says Operation Cobra is back on.

And just when you think things are wrapping up, Mary Margaret goes into labour.

Quiz time!

Who was Zalena's childhood friend?

Where is all of Zalena's magic kept?

What kind of magic can defeat Zalena?

How does one become true of heart?

Why are there no unicorns in this show?

WHEN IS THE SHERIFF COMING BACK????


Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 17 “The Jolly Roger”

Or better title, "Hooked on Love"

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On a darkened forest trail a man in an iron mask robs a stage coach. It's Hook and he's been reunited with Bill Smead and his crew of pirates. There's only one problem, he's lost his ship.

The celebration party at a pub includes the gang chipping in to give Hook a night with one of the bar wenches. Hook takes her out back where he pays her off and tells her he's not interested.

Oh right, he's in love with Emma.

He's soon ambushed by another women. It's Ariel and she's super mad.

Emma and David try to put together the crib for the new baby. Regina arrives and tells them she's placed a protective spell around Mary Margaret's apartment to keep them safe from Zalena.

Emma is growing tired of the defensive tactics. She asks Regina to teach her magic so they can tag team against Zalena.

Bill Smead meets up with Hook on the waterfront of Storybrooke. They argue about the missing Jolly Roger. Smead wants to leave, but Hook is determined to stay because Emma thinks he's a fun sitter for Henry. Smead stomps off.

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Emma arrives and she tells him Regina is going to help hone her magical ability. Then she drops the bomb that once she helps get rid of Zalena, she and Henry will return to New York.

Hook gives her best sad eyes, “You can't pretend this never happened," he says. "No matter how much you want to return to your old life, it's never going to happen.”

Mary Margaret and David walk along the beach. A crowd has gathered. Ariel has washed up on shore.

She's been searching the ocean for over a year for Prince Eric. Since she didn't find him, she thought he must be in Storybrooke. Mary Margaret and David bring her up to date on Zalena. They also mention how Hook is the only one who still has memories of the missing year.

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Behind the tavern, Ariel holds Hook at knife point and accuses him of kidnapping Prince Eric. He says she's mistaken. But she can prove it because one of his men escaped from the Jolly Roger. She gives him a dagger with the initials BB. Hook laughs because he knows it's Black Beard who has the Jolly Roger.

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Bill Smead is a bit scared because you know...it's Black Beard. Hook says the Jolly Roger is more than a ship. He needs his ship back, it's what makes him a pirate. He's getting tired of being in love with Emma. He's worried he's getting soft.

Um...sorry. My mind wandered there for a moment.

Right, so Ariel insists on coming along so she can help rescue Prince Eric.

At Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, Hook teaches Henry how to gamble with dice and french fries. David brings Ariel to meet Hook and she asks if he's ever heard of Prince Eric.

Hook gives her a wink of his eyeliner and says, “No. Never heard of him.”

*Gasp* He's lying!

Regina takes Emma into the secret vault below her mother's crypt for magic school. Regina teases her that she and Hook are sweet on each other. Emma rolls her eyes. Regina hands her a book and tells her to start memorizing.

Emma says it's a waste of time. She needs skills speedy quick.

Fine. You asked for it.

Regina magics them above a bottomless gorge. Emma's on a suspension bridge while she's safe on the other side. The bridge starts to fall apart. “Go ahead,” Regina calls out. “Save yourself with magic.”

Hook, Smead, and Ariel go through the forest. Ariel lets it slip that Hook has a reputation for being nice since he reunited Snow White with her daughter. He says, “I'm a pirate and I always will be.”

She continues to insist that he's a champion of true love. He gets upset and grabs her by the large golden clasp on her purple robe. She freaks out that he touched her. The sea creature emblem belonged to Eric and she wears his robe to help her remember him while he's away.

Belle and Ariel reunite in Mr. Gold's shop. Ariel explains that she's hoping to find an object of Eric's. Hook goes into the back room. He finds Eric's sea creature clasp hidden behind a curtain. Ariel squeals with delight that he has found Eric's royal robe.

Emma does nothing while the bridge collapses around her. Regina yells, “Use your instinct!”

Emma falls out of sight, then slowly hovers over on a flying raft built from bits of bridge. Regina scoffs that all she had to do was repair the frayed rope.

Okay, that was easy.

Belle pours the locator spell on Eric's robe. It levitates and flies off to be with its owner.

Hook admires the Jolly Roger from behind a barrel on the wharf. He grabs a sword and walks on board, demanding Black Beard show his face. A sword fight ensues. Ariel slips below deck looking for Eric while Smead just stands there.

Slash. Pare. Punch. Push. Insult. Slash. Pare. Insult.

Hook is about to kill Black Beard when Ariel comes deck side and tells him Eric is not on board. She begs him to spare Black Beard's life. Black Beard says he's on an isolated island, but he'll only tell if Hook lets him live, which no real pirate would ever do.

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Ariel and Hook follow Eric's flying cape through Storybrooke and down to the docks. It ends up plunging into the ocean. Unless Eric is a merman...then...he must be...oh dear.

Hook holds her while she cries.

David is tired of being the boring baby sitter compared to Hook. He decides that Henry should take a driving lesson. It takes ten seconds for them to have a car accident.

Ariel tearfully thanks Hook for helping her find Eric's robe. She knows their story is over. She also tells him he is more than a pirate, he has a true heart.

Hook looks worried about being soft...hearted.

*Giggles*

Hook makes Black Beard walk the plank because he wants the Jolly Roger back, plus he's tired of being called soft. Ariel pleads for him to reconsider his choice. He says love will only bring her wasted years and endless torment.

Much like being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

He's actually doing her a favour by killing her true love. He pushes Black Beard off the plank and the sharks arrive to finish him off.

Ariel slaps Hook and says he'll never know love, and THAT will bring him wasted years and endless torment.

Copycat. Can't even come up with her own insult.

She jumps into the shark infested water, determined to find Eric's mystery island.

After watching her cry at the dock all evening, Hook confesses to Ariel the true story about how he chose his ship over Eric. He tells her he'd do anything to take it back. She says she can't trust a man who doesn't believe in love.

But Hook insists that indeed, he knows all about love.

She's all, Oh yeah, then vow on your love's name.

He says, “Emma Swan.”

Ariel turns in to Zalena. She tells him Ariel found Prince Eric not long after she jumped off the Jolly Roger last year. Hook looks relieved. Then she throws a ball of green light, hitting him on the mouth.

Is that how witches kiss?

She cackles and give a long monologue with plenty of sneering.

Here's the gist of what just happened; Hook's lips are now cursed so the next time he kisses Emma all of her magic will be gone.

He says it's a ridiculous plan and that he'll tell Emma. Hook calls her bluff because if Zalena wanted to kill Emma, she would have done it long ago. Zalena leaves him with this ultimatum; kiss Emma and remove her powers or everyone she loves dies.

*Cue the green smoke bomb*

Hook arrives at David and Mary Margaret's apartment but only Emma and Regina are there. He tells them he was helping Ariel and she found Prince Eric on an island the curse didn't reach.

Regina sees this as a teaching moment for Emma. To make sure Ariel reached the island, Regina shows Emma how she can use a mirror to look into different realms.

Okay, that was easy!

Anyway, we see Ariel and Prince Eric frolicking on the beach.

Emma looks at Hook with swoony eyes. “You did this? You gave her a happy ending?”

Mary Margaret and David arrive with Henry in tow. They say the driving lesson went...um okay. When she hears the good news about Ariel, Mary Margaret says. “Let's celebrate by eating out. Should we go to Granny's?”

Um...where the 'f' else?

They invite Hook, but he declines mumbling something about having his leather pants dry cleaned.

So, Mary Margaret, David, Emma, Regina and Henry all go out to dinner.

Hook walks the dark streets alone. He stops at the corner across from Granny's spying on Emma and the gang. He watches from the shadows.

Alone.

Staring at the lips he'll never be able to kiss.

Ever.

Again.

Relax, folks. We know that's not true because every rule in this show gets broken.  

Doesn't Henry think it's weird that Hook dresses like he's from The Rocky Horror Picture Show...like every day?

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Also, wouldn't Henry start to question why the Mayor is going out with them for dinner?

Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 12, "A New York City Serenade"

Or better title “Time Warp Nausea”

ABC gives us a quick recap of last episode with Hook showing up at Emma's apartment one year after she and Henry left Storybrooke with completely new memories.

When he tries to explain that her family is in danger she tries to slam the door in his face thinking he's crazy.

Maybe it's the guyliner.

Hoping she'll remember with a kiss, he lays one on her only to receive a knee in the front part of his leather pants.

Operation 'Get Emma', attempt #1 ... failure

Now let's get in the time machine because we're going to find out what happened to everyone else when Emma left Storybrook exactly one year ago.

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Prince Philip meets up with a pregnant Aurora for a picnic, but a plume of purple smoke soon overtakes them. They shudder with fear. When the smoke clears Snow White and the gang are all present.

Snow White tells a shocked Aurora, “We're back.”

It's present day again. I know this because ABC put PRESENT DAY on the screen.

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Fresh from another successful bounty hunter job, Emma meets her boyfriend for dinner—some English dude who gets his hair done by the stylist of One Direction. When he gets up from the table, Hook swoops in.

Operation, 'Get Emma', attempt #2

He says he knows she's an orphan. Then he slips a piece of paper with an address that will tell her who her real parents are. She says he's crazy, but he replies, “Use your super power and you'll know that I'm telling the truth.”

Um...what? Wait, you mean the super power of having convenient magic show up when it's most needed?

No. He means her ability to tell if people are lying or not.

Oh. Okay. *Rolls eyes*

Emma is intrigued, apparently Regina forgot to imagine fake parents for her so the orphan bit with a burning desire to find her birth parents is real. She takes the slip of paper and Hook tells her to meet him at Central Park the follow day.

Snow White congratulates Aurora on the upcoming birth of her baby. Without a place to stay, Snow White says she and Charming are taking Regina's castle back—with a begrudging Regina along for the ride because she's trying to be nice now and everything.

After they leave it's obvious Aurora and Prince Philip are scared for their unborn child and they debate whether or not to tell 'this season's dangerous villain' *cough* Wicked Witch of the West *cough* that Regina has returned.

PRESENT DAY

Thanks ABC, I'd have no clue without that huge prompt across the screen.

Back at the restaurant Emma's boyfriend has returned with a fancy dessert but not his English accent. He proposes on one knee and things get awkward when he starts bringing up his furniture business as a way to sway her vote.

She says she needs time to think. He's super cool with that.

Henry (who has been growing quickly since last season) finally looks normal as a fourteen year old instead of a thirteen year old being made to look like a ten year old.

Ouch! Math headache.

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They play video games while Henry tells her that she should give the boyfriend a chance and not all dudes are like his father. They rehash how Neal set up Emma to spend time in jail for his crime and that he doesn't even know Henry exists. She asks how he got so wise.

Grumpy and the dwarfs celebrate that they're back in the enchanted forest. Jiminy Cricket arrives and says more fairy tale characters are popping up all over the place. Charming asks Grumpy to spread the word that everyone should make haste to the Queen's castle for shelter.

I bet the actor who plays Jiminy Cricket is a bit upset about this new development.

Hook saddles up a horse and declares the Jolly Roger is his home, not the enchanted castle. He tried being a hero and that didn't get him any hot lovin' from Emma.

Snow White accuses him of going back to being a pirate now that Emma is gone. He says he was always a pirate.

WRONG!

What about the episode when he was in the navy with his brother?

After Hook gallops away, Neal comes up with the idea of returning to his father's castle because maybe Rumpelstiltskin is somehow alive OR maybe he can find something that will take him back to Emma.

Snow White reiterates the rules of Regina's curse. “It's a reset,” she says sadly. “With no more portals. The only way to cross over is with another curse. And that will NEVER happen. It's impossible.”

Rules?

Rules don't matter on this show.

Henry asks Emma if she's still... 

Oh, sorry. PRESENT DAY

Henry asks Emma if is she's still worrying about the proposal.

Nope. She's thinking about going to the secret address given to her by the sexy leather clad dude. Emma goes to the address and she discovers it's Neal's old apartment.

Why is his stuff still there? This is New York City. The police should have cleared it out when he stopped paying rent a year ago.

Emma is shocked to find a camera with Henry's name on the strap.

Sorry I have to interrupt. Emma is wearing plaid pants in this scene. There is no place on the planet that these would be okay. Just sayin'...

Unable to ignore this bizarre coincidence, she goes to Central Park to meet Hook. She's convinced he's working with Neal to try and steal Henry from her. Instead, he talks to her about curses, castles, and stuff like that. To further convince her he's on the straight up, he offers her a vial of magic liquid that will help her remember. “Take a leap of faith,” he tells her.

She handcuffs him to the fountain and whistles for the police to arrest him.

Belle and Neal trade theories that Rumpelstiltskin staged his own death. They're determined to find his dagger.

Snow White gets nostalgic as they approach her childhood home. Then Grumpy alerts her that Regina is missing. Snow White finds her burying her enchanted heart. “It hurts to miss Henry,” she explains.

Snow White basically says suck it up, I'm a mother who lost her kid too. Don't be a dummy, keep your heart and you'll find happiness.

Hey, remember the episode when Robin Hood's son helped Neal get to Neverland? He's Regina's true love!

Regina is swayed by Snow White's logic and she does her own heart transplant. But before they can share a cup of flavoured tea to celebrate this milestone in their relationship, something swoops out of the sky. It gets close enough to scratch Regina.

The flying beast is scared off by Robin Hood.

My nerves. I'm brilliant!

There's instant dislike on Regina's part. I can see where this is going. She'll hate him until she sees his tattoo and realizes he's her true love.

Robin lets them know the flying beast is something he's never seen before.

*Time Machine back to the future*

Emma talks with Henry about how she's ready to move forward in her life and maybe, just maybe she'll think about marrying the fake English accent dude. He tells her to listen to her instinct and stop worrying. Everything seems cool until she looks at the pictures she had developed from Henry's camera.

Hook is busted from jail by Emma. She demands to know how those pictures of her and Henry in a place called Storybrooke can exist.

Did anyone ever see Henry with a camera in any previous episode? No? Me neither.

See? Rules don't matter in this show.

Hook tells her to ignore logic and instead, listen to her instinct. He hands over the vial of memory liquid. And since Emma is all about trusting your instinct, she forgets about the boyfriend who just proposed and takes a sip from the vial offered by the crazy guy she just busted from jail.

Emma downs the whole vial and her brow instantly furrows. “Hook,” she says, her voice heavy with regret.

Robin Hood reunites with Neal and Belle on the forest path as they journey with the others to the Queens' castle. When they arrive Regina discovers the castle is surrounded by a protective spell. Until she can discover who has taken over the castle they have to camp out.

Hook and Emma share a drink at her apartment reminiscing. He tells her that he was hanging out on the Jolly Roger when he received news that a new curse had been placed on the enchanted forest. He was able to cross over. He needs her to return with him to Storybrooke to save her family.

She's bummed because her life was fantastic and now she has all those crappy memories again. The boyfriend shows up and he's brought his accent with him. She tries to explain that 'a ghost from her past' showed up and she has to go back home to resolved some issues.

He begs her to chose a future with him instead. When she turns him down, he morphs into a flying monkey. She grabs a pipe and starts swinging. She sends him crashing to the street, far below.

The next morning she makes breakfast for Henry and says, “Do you believe in magic?” He, of course, has no memory of Storybrooke. She tells him she has a new case and that he's going with her ... you know... for an adventure.

Hook arrives at the door. She tells him to help with her luggage. She says, “Henry, lend him a hand.”

Hand. Good one. Get it?

She puts on her red leather jacket and takes the yellow punch buggy to Storybrooke.

Hook tells her he doesn't know what effect the curse will have on everyone's memories this time. With Henry asleep in the backseat, Emma goes to Mary Margaret's apartment. David opens the door. He remembers Emma, but the last year had been erased. Mary Margaret comes down the stairs and she's very preggers. So they know that it's been at least nine months since the curse was cast. But they don't even know who's responsible.

Back at the Queen's castle, a flying monkey arrives with a drop of blood. A witch in a black hat with green skin takes the drop of blood and adds it to a vial, talking about how her revenge is now complete.

Oh, how original! Another witch with another revenge.

“The Queen may be evil,” she smiles, “but I'm wicked, and wicked always wins.”

So does fourteen on black, just in case you're at the roulette table this weekend.

Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

Congratulations! You made it to the end of this post. As a reward, enjoy this video of The Police singing Every Little Thing She Does is Magic.