The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 9 "The Men Tell All"

Or Better Title, "The Men Are Still Boring"

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This is the episode where all the dudes who have been kicked off return for their chance to pick more fights and continue to be jerks...just like on the show. 

The good news is I missed the first half of the show, the bad news is I started watching during Zak's musical tribute to being dumped.

I think it was called, “Moving On” At least that's the phrase he kept repeating.

He seemed pretty calm, I guess the new medication is working.

Apparently I missed Des having cocktails in the hot tub with former Bachelorette, Emily Maynard and a few other women who have been on this terrible show. They dissed the dudes and drank from plastic wine glasses. I'm not sure if any of them are in a happy relationship.

Ben, James and Mikey T prove that they really are dirt bags in real life and took every opportunity to smear each others reputations. There was yelling and finger pointing.

Surprise! Surprise! Just like on the show.

Jonathan, the creepy mouth kisser who kept trying to kidnap Des on the first episode, apologized and everyone felt their skin crawl.

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Juan Pablo (above) speaks and all the women in the audience melt. He was kicked off in episode 6. It remains one of the greatest mysteries of the season. He talks with the host about his daughter and how hard it is for him to date.

Probably won't be an issue anymore since he's America's latest crush.

They showed the Blooper reel and the guys were even less interesting in spontaneous moments of foolhardiness...if that's possible.

The Host drops a lot of hints that this Bachelorette finale has such a shocking twist they had to film it in two shows.

*Gasp*

They tease us with a clip involving beaches, Des in a bikini, Des crying, Des kissing Brooks, Des running into Drew's arms, Des crying in a red dress, Des kissing Chris, then Des wiping her eyes and saying she just wants to go home.

Damn! Where is her brother? He'd fix that up speedy quick.

She says she always falls in love with the wrong people.

Here's my theory, Des chooses Brooks and he tells her he's just not ready...you know like he has from the very beginning. Then she confesses to Drew and Chris she can't possibly be with them when her heart is with snot face Brooks. So everyone goes home upset and no one gets lucky.

Way to go, Brooks. Thanks for ruining everyone's free vacation. Dummy.

Dear Brooks, why did you even sign up for the show? Oh, right. The beaches...never mind.

Who do you think is the bigger dirt bag, Ben or James? And who is Des going to end up with?

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 6, "Licks, Kicks, and Dicks"

Des and Brooks kick it up in Spain!
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Des and the dudes go to Barcelona, Spain.

She tells us, “These guys are amazing. I'm invested in these guys.”

Des has used the word 'amazing' one million and six times this season.

Zak is feeling the romance of Spain, but Michael wastes no time in letting everyone know that they
should all hate James now.

I think he's crowned himself the master of scruples, or at least the master of being the biggest tattle tale.

Evil James
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Drew is chosen for the solo date. He decides to use his time alone with Des to talk about her, and NOT how James is the new Ben.

He kissed her right away and said he hasn't been able to stop thinking about her. They have hot chocolate and kiss the whipped cream off each others lips. Then they sip water from a fountain and kiss the drips off each others chins.

But before anything else can be licked, things get serious when Drew confides to Des that his father is a recovering alcoholic. Now an advocate for others, Drew says his father is his hero. He gets emotional when he continues to relate that his dad has just been diagnosed with cancer.

Des nods sweetly and says, “You're a great person. Thanks for sharing that.”

Excuse me, I've got something in my eye...

Des feels comfortable with Drew and is impressed with his 'depth'.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

They have a dinner of large glasses of wine. Suddenly, like without warning and totally spontaneous, Drew whisks Des away and down a cobblestone alley. He presses her up against a wall and they make out like there aren't five camera men filming.

Des is clearly impressed and she gives him the rose. They make out again. Carefully, Drew tells Des he'd heard James and Mikey discussing their business and romance opportunities after the show. She's upset, but is grateful Drew told her how much of a dick James turned out to be.

It's time for the group date with Juan, Michael, Brooks, James, Chris, and Kasey. Des tells us she's not ready to kick James off. She meets the guys at a soccer dome.

Michael is wearing a sweat band around his head...again. What??

Juan is in his element and if I were Des, I'd drop the other dudes, and have a little one on one scrimmage of my own with him. Des returns with a few of Spain's national women's soccer team.

I predict Michael's headband will be the only thing that survives.

Juan scores a few goals, but that's about it. James is a terrible goalie and is too busy pouting between the goal posts. The girls win 10-2.

It's time for cocktails!

 

Des and Chris hang out and she tells him he's really athletic. Then she reads him a poem she wrote for him.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

I like making out with you,

And the other guys, too.

Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael plan to confront evil James and his biceps.

Personally, I'd leave the strongest guy alone. Doesn't Des already know he's a creep?

Kasey ignores my warning and asks James point blank about what he and Mikey discussed.

While Kasey is flirting with disaster, Des and Brooks cuddle on the pillows, oblivious to the heated debate in the other room.

James and Michael get all Gossip Girl in each others faces. Things escalate quickly to Jersey Shore level.

Des has had enough. She doesn't give out a date rose and makes the other guys leave early so she can talk with James.

*Cue the scary violin music*

Des confronts James and he does a song and dance that he was just playing around and joking with Mikey. When she doesn't buy it, he starts to cry.

He rubs his head and says, “This is giving me a headache. I don't know what to say to you.”

That's because you're a dick.

Des gets weepy because all the guys ABC picked for her and turning into losers. She decides to sleep on it and make a decision in the morning.

Back at the hotel, Michael is re-enacting the whole scenario for the other dudes. James walks into the room and everyone craps their pants.

Zak gets to soothe Des on the solo date and help her forget about you-know-who, Lord Voldemort.

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They have an artistic themed date and spend the afternoon sketching. They shared some laughs, and then a male model comes in and drops his robe.

Nothing says romance like a naked stranger in the room with you and your date.

Zak leaves and then puts on his own robe and models in his underwear for Des.

I'm bored.

Finally it's the dinner portion of the date, which means it's almost over.

Squee!

Des is impressed with how much fun Zak can make any event. He lets her know he has a great relationship with his parents. He's also a wandering spirit that doesn't want to settle too soon. They make out and his hands do some wandering.

Des gives him the date rose.

Meanwhile, James talks with Drew and it's soon obvious he can't explain his side without blowing up. Plus, he uses words in a way that make no sense. The next morning, Des arrives and takes him for a walk.

James talks quickly, like most guilty people do. He stammers about being in love with her and their future together.

Des confesses that she's confused because ABC wants more drama to stretch out the episode.

There's more tears.

*Cue the sad piano music*

James smells victory and says that her qualities of being able to make hard decisions are what he's looking for in his wife and the mother of his children.

Barf.

They cuddle and kiss. The guys watch from the balcony and want to drop water balloons.

When they depart, she's more confused and he has man boob sweat.

Each of the guys are wondering if they want to be with Des if she's so stupid. I fast forward through the continued argument back in the hotel room. James uses the reality of dating hot chicks after he's kicked off the show as his reason for...?

...being a dick?

Michael says the obvious, “This is absurd.”

Drew gets the trophy for stating, “Why hasn't she slapped him?”

Indeed. From the mouths of babes.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

Des looks at each picture and monologues, which I fast forward through.

Chris gets the first rose. Brooks gets the second. And the last rose goes to...Michael.

Going home are Kasey, Juan, and evil James.

I'm surprised she chose Michael over Kasey considering Michael is gay, but whatever.

Juan gets weepy because he realizes he wasted a lot of time when he could have been with his daughter.

James tries to plead his case in the limo and leaves us with these wise words, “Why me?”

Oh my nerves, ABC. Why us?