Embarrassing Confessions of a Bibliophile

It's time to come clean.

I like to classify stuff, you know, organize and label. And this rings true for my bookshelves as well. Some books are great for rainy days, and others are perfect murder mysteries to read on that long flight or a weekend at the cottage.

But I have other labels too *lowers voice* ones I'm not proud of. These are my book confessions.

Confession #1. The Book I Stole From The Library

Frog and Toad Are Friends

scholastic.com

Okay, I know stealing is wrong and this is no excuse, but I was in grade two and it was raining heavily that day. I dropped the book in the puddle where it sucked up a gallon of water. The thing swelled like Harry Potter's Aunt Marge.

I stashed the thick mess under my bed, hoping it would somehow magically fix itself before it was due back at the library.

It didn't.

However, back then (1978) I guess the librarian at my school was so distracted by the approaching summer vacation and its promises of tanned cabana boys or whatever she did in the off season—that she never came looking for that book. Frog and Toad Are Friends is still mine to this day.


Confession #2. The Book I Pretend To Have Read

The Hobbit

I was thirteen. The first three paragraphs were about a gnarled tree stump. I haven't picked it up since.



Confession #3. The Book I've Read The Most

Wikipedia.com

This is kind of two confessions in one, because my artsy fartsy answer is Pride and Prejudice (read eight times), but the real answer is Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone (read ten times).


Confession #4. The Book I Never Finished

Mr. Churchill's Secretary

Okay, there are several titles that fit this category, but this mystery novel is the most recent I haven't been able to finish. I kept falling asleep. I stuck it out until page 110, but I couldn't get any farther. I'm going to try again someday, you know when a bout of insomnia hits.


Confession #5. The Book In Which I'm Totally In Love With One of the Characters

Pride and Prejudice

Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy.


Confession #6. Book I Bought Purely Because Of The Cover

Hush, Hush

Wikipedia.com

This was when angels falling from the sky wearing only tight jeans was something of a novelty. Now you can't go for a walk without getting hit by one of those suckers.


Confession #7. The Book I Will Never Read

Fifty Shades of Grey

Life is too short. I read a few paragraphs composed mainly of the main character asking herself questions and biting her lower lip. That was enough for me.


Confession #8. The Book I Will Never Recommend

Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell

It's on my bookshelf as a testament to how stubborn a reader I can be. That sucker weighed in at 782 pages. Although there is one memorable scene, that only accounts for two of those 782 pages. I heard that it's been optioned for a movie. Good, choose that option instead.

Sorry, I hate being a critic, but confession is good for the soul. Let me know your answers!

Happily Ever After; Dating Service for Ficional Characters, Session Two

Voted as the number one dating service for fictional characters.

It doesn't matter if you're a hero or a zero on the pages, our on-line dating service will help you find your soul mate.

 

We'll have you picking out matching bookmarks before you can say, 'library late fees'.

Last week Katniss Everdeen and Victor Frankenstein had success in pairing together.

The chat room is about to get started! Let's see who's looking for love today.

Moderator: Hello, everyone. I see we have a whole new group! Splendid. Who would like to start the conversation tonight? Go ahead, don't by shy.



kpbs.org

Philip Pirrip: I suspect I should like to go first, sir. My story is a sad one, unfortunately. The girl I gave my heart to has but ripped it out of my chest and squeezed the life from it.

 

Scarlett O'Hara: How horrific, Mr. Pirrip. I can't imagine any lady worth keeping who is capable of such a massacre.

 

Philip Pirrip: Well, it wasn't a massacre...at least not literally. And please, call me Pip, everybody does.

Ponyboy Curtis: A broken heart? I've survived worse.

 



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 George Weasley: Tough break, blokes. I feels for ya. Sounds like you two are in need of a little pick me up. Maybe some 'Feel Rite Fizzy Bombs Bubblegum'... or maybe a 'Jovial Joker Jawbreaker?'

 

Lydia Bennet: I'll take ten Fizzy Bombs! The General is throwing a ball tomorrow night. And what a lark it will be!

 

Philip Pirrip: Do you need an escort, Miss Bennet?

 

George Weasley: Right, then. Ten Fizzy Bombs at ten knuts a piece...that will be one hundred knuts or three Sickles and four knuts.

 

Lydia Bennet: What's a sickle?

 

Scarlett O'Hara: It's a terrible infliction the Yankees brought with them. Since the war started all of my beaus have left Tara lonely and desolate.

 

Philip Pirrip: Is this Tara a nice girl? Is she looking for someone to love, too?

 

Ponyboy Curtis: Be careful what you wish for Pip. Sometimes certain groups just can't mix, you know? Sometimes all you got is the sun on your face and the street beneath your feet.

 

George Weasley: Whoa! Blimey, Ponyboy, you're killing the party. Tell ya what, I'll send you five Fizzy Bombs, on the house.

 

Lydia Bennet: Weasley! How generous. Wherever do you get your ideas? I suspect an evening dancing with you could have me laughing so hard I'd lose my breath.

 

George Weasley: I can think of a few things besides dancing that could leave us both breathless.
 

 Lydia Bennet: You're absolutely incorrigible! I love incorrigible young men!

 

Philip Pirrip: I'm incorrigable.

 

Scarlett O'Hara: You're also a lousy speller. But that's no matter, I like your desperation. I need more admirers. Tell me, do you ride?

 

Philip Pirrip: I mostly go on foot.

 

Scarlett O'Hara: I meant horses, silly. How about you, Ponyboy? Is that where you get your nickname?

 

Ponyboy Curtis: I'm from the wrong side of the tracks, Scarlett. I don't ride horses. I don't have fancy clothes. All I have are my two brothers.

 

Scarlett O'Hara: Fiddle dee dee! Older brothers? Are you Yankees?

 

Ponyboy Curtis: Well, we're American if that's what you mean.

 

Scarlett O'Hara: Perfect. You and your equally desperate brothers are expected at Tara next week. I'll have Mammy make sure cook does up her famous roast chicken.

 

Ponyboy Curtis: Um...okay.

 

Philip Pirrip: I'm studying! I'm going to be important some day!

 

Lydia Bennet: What are you studying?

Philip Pirrip: To be a gentleman.

 

Lydia Bennet: I see.

Scarlett O'Hara: Oh.
 

Ponyboy Curtis: Uh-huh.

 

George Weasley: I'm still in school. We have to wear uniforms and everything.

 

Lydia Bennet: I love a man in a uniform! Where is your school? Do you have dances?

 

George Weasley: I'll send an owl to you with all the particulars, my lovely...and an extra Fizzy Bomb. 

 

Lydia Bennet: *giggles*

 

Philip Pirrip: I'd appreciate an invitation too, Weasley.

 

George Weasley: Sorry, bloke. Only one Muggle per dance. Hogwarts rule.

 

Ponyboy Curtis: Muggle?

 

Phillip Pirrip: All right. Well, I guess this is good night. I've enjoyed meeting everyone and I hope we can continue this discussion in a fortnight.

 

Philip Pirrip: Good night...?

 

Lydia Bennet: Pip? I'll be visiting my uncle in Cheapsidenext week. May I call on you?

 

Philip Pirrip: YES!!!

 

Lydia Bennet: I dare suspect a few Fizzy Bombs will make for an enjoyable tea!

 

Moderator: This session is now closed. Until next time, everyone...and happily ever after.


Who would you like to see paired up next?

How To Find Love In The Bookstore

 

The self help section, obviously.
photo credit, weheartit.com

Listen up, potential Romeos! 

Some men think the club/dance bar is the best place to find the next potential lover. However, since I haunt the aisles of my local bookstore and the library on a regular basis, I've noticed a lot of flirting going on.

If you're in the mood for love between the covers—see what I did there? Between the covers. It could mean bed sheets or the pages of a book.

*Clears throat* Ahem, sorry.

Anywho, here are the top ten ways to help any guy find love in the bookstore.

1. "I think you dropped this copy of Pride and Prejudice. I know it's not mine, I own the first print edition.

2. "Excuse me, do you know where I can find, Decorating Your Mansion For Dummies?"

3. Don't say anything. Walk around with Fifty Shades of Grey tucked under your arm while making eye contact and biting your lip.

4. "That's quite an impressive stack you've got. Can I help carry your books?"

5. "I wish they sold these bookcases. My library at home already takes up two rooms."

6. "Can you recommend a good read for a newly divorced millionaire?"

7. "Let's get a coffee and talk about how Katniss is way more awesome than Bella."

8. "You're a writer? Just for fun, let's list who you'd want to cast in the movie version."

9. "You know, I feel sad for kids who watch the Harry Potter movies without reading the books."

10. "I'll buy you any book you want, which I promise to also read. Then I'll treat you to a Trenta sized Caramel Macchiato while we discuss the character development in detail."

Which one would work on you?

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Five Literary Inventions I Wish Were Real

I'm convinced my life would be so much easier with the following:

1. The Invisibility Cloak from Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone.

Think of the sneaking around you can do! Be careful of eavesdropping though, sometimes you don't want to hear what others really think of you (especially Professor Snape).




photo credit, telegraph.co.uk

2. Pixie Dust from Peter Pan and Wendy.

Imagine having the ability to fly on your own, without aid from a broomstick or a magic carpet!
Rush hour traffic? Not for you. Late for a date? No worries. Need to get to class before the bell rings? Easy peasy.

photo credit, dncompute.com

3. The Everlasting Gobstopper from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

It's candy. No explanation needed.

photo credit, whenfallsthecoliseum.com

4. The Blade from The Subtle Knife.

Slice through parallel universes and bend the space/time continuum? Sure, okay. Plus, I bet you can make a salad in seconds.

photo credit, philip-pullman.com

5. Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.

Okay, he's not technically an invention, but he is made up and totally awesome. And since it's my blog, I'll bloody well put him here if I want. And yes, I want Mr. Darcy.




photo credit, charismaarts.com

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

*SWOON*


What other literary inventions would you like to have?

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If The Hunger Games Movie Was Cast With Literary Characters

Okay, so unless you've been living in a cave the last month, The Hunger Games movie comes out this weekend. And if you're a HGJ (Hunger Games Junkie), you've read the book more than a few times and know the characters pretty well. If you're not sure if you're a HGJ, click here to take the test.

But let's not forget in the beginning, it was a book. So, in a nod to all the other awesome books out there, just for kicks, here is my list if The Hunger Games was cast with literary characters.

Cato
photo credit, screenrant.com

Bill

photo credit, aussiefinder.com

Cato—Bill Sikes from Oliver Twist.

Bent into a cruel killing machine by ways of their environment. Enough said.

Primrose
photo credit, pfspublishing.com

Jane Bennet
photo credit, screened.com

Primrose—Jane Bennet from Pride And Prejudice.

A quiet beauty with a need to help everyone. Constantly supported by her gusty and more outspoken sister.

Cine
photo credit, fanpop.com

Fairy Godmother
photo credit, peoplesouthwestern.edu.com

Cinna—The Fairy Godmother from Cinderella. Even the spelling is close!

Who else could pull off a fashion miracle of turning the dirty tomboy into a gorgeous champion for the people.

Rue
photo credit, thehungergameswikia.com

Simon
photo credit, oldprojectionroom.com

Rue—Simon from The Lord Of The Flies. Both represent reason and the potential for goodness in humanity, however both met violent deaths.
Seriously, you knew they we're going to last long, even with the protagonists help.

Haymitch
photo credit, hungergames.htc

Mad Hatter
photo credit, fanpop.com

Haymitch—The Mad Hatter from Alice In Wonderland.
Both like to drink and talk in riddles. However, approach with caution, silly as they may seem, underneath is an unstable man.

Gale
photo credit, act.mtv.com

Dally
photo credit, thetwilightsaga.com

Gale—Dally from The Outsiders.

A rebel, but handsome enough to make him less threatening and likable. He takes care of those who rely on him and is a natural leader.

He enjoys being outspoken, but keeps his feelings for Katniss low key and platonic. Only when her life is in danger, does her realize all his anger and good looks can do nothing to help her.

Peeta
photo credit, shockya.com

Pip
photo credit, moviez.com

Peeta—Pip from Great Expectations. Impoverished and unappreciated by his own family, he falls in love with a girl who, at first, is only pretending to share his sentiments.

His gentle and kind nature stand out in contrast to Dally's (Gale's) confidence and strength.

Katniss
photo credit, shockya.com

Laura
photo credit, rubylee1776.com

Katniss—Laura Ingalls. Okay she was an actual person, but is still a literary character...sort of.

Besides, who else would be prepared to survive in the wilderness and battle the elements than a spunky pioneer girl.

Not only can she sew a plaid shirt, skip rocks the most times across the creek, and know where the best blueberries are, she also stood up that meany Nellie Olsen.

And let's not forget about the braids, people. The hair should count for something.

Who else would you cast?

Next Monday I'll be blogging the latest episode of Once Upon A Time.

Cheers!