Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 16 "Poor Unfortunate Soul"

Or better title "Poor Unfortunate Viewer"

This was my face during a certain scene in this episode.

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Sweet Mother of God, what is ABC thinking? More of that later...

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In a flashback we see a young Ursula as a mermaid who is forced by her father (dude from The Ghostbusters!), Poseidon, to lure pirate ships with her beautiful singing voice so they can crash on the rocks, spilling their treasure.

But Ursula soon grows weary of mass murder and confronts her brutal dad. But since his heart has been hardened by the death of Ursula's mom (original!) he tells her as long as she's living in his sea, she lives by his rules.

Knowing the only way to walk away is with legs, Ursula steals a giant plastic bracelet from his vault so she can live on land, singing her heart out like it's the American Idol finale in pubs for drunk pirates.

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*enter Hook*

Cap'N Sexy Eyes is quick to offer her passage on his ship.
But before you can say, heave-ho, Big Daddy and his Triton show up. He strikes a deal with Hook to give him squid ink that will defeat Rumpelstiltskin if he steals Ursula's singing voice with a conch shell.

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How does Poseidon even know Hook wants Rumpelstiltskin/The Dark One dead? Is there a gossip magazine in the Enchanted Forest or something?
Mental Note: Hook has squid ink that can kill Mr. Gold

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Meanwhile, in the race for a happy ending, the Dark Witches (with the help of Mr. Gold) are torturing a newly grownup August, or as his friends call him, Woody. They need to know who The Author is so they can go torture the author to write them a happy ending.

Why? Because everyone knows the only way to get a happy ending is through torture as opposed to like maybe going out into the world and having a life.

August has to endure his painfully growing, extending, wooden phallic...you get the picture...nose towards the fire as Mr. Gold laughs.

Can you imagine the jokes in the special effects room?

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Regina is pretending to be evil, but manages to get a message to Emma by taking over Mary Margaret's body. It was creepy hearing Regina's voice come out of Mary Margaret, but no creepier than August's nose inching further and further...

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While this is going on Hook seeks out Ursula and lifts that eyebrow of his and says he's on to her happy ending and he can help her as long as she does him a huge favour. Nothing big, just opening a portal to fish his ship out of the sea.

Before you can say calamari, Ursula slips one of her tentacles into Storybrooke's harbour and is able to penetrate into another portal.

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Mental Note: Things that can open portals

#1. Magic Bean

#2. Mermaids

#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)

#4. Tentacles

Ursula retrieves the Jolly Roger, but it's tiny and in a glass bottle.
 
WTH? When did the Jolly Roger end up in a bottle?

Anyway, the ship is quickly transformed to its original size. Hook hands over the magic shell that contains her singing voice, but it doesn't take. So the natural reaction is for Hook to pull a gun on Ursula. He's so charming!

Ursula throws him overboard.

Back in the past, Hook was super keen to have a sexy singer on board, he even told her about Poseidon's offer, which he was turning down because why did he even need squid ink at that point in his life?

But Big Daddy shows up on the ship and is super MAD! Hook then realizes he really does need squid ink and steals Ursula's voice after all of that.

Ursula was so miffed she did the only thing a teenage daughter can do to retaliate against authority figures...she turns her mermaid tail into eight slimy tentacles.

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Dad is disgusted or heartbroken or wishing he was part of the new Ghostbusters movie.
 

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Emma and the rest of the 'heroes' bust into the cabin to save August. But soon, Mary Margaret is being strangled by Ursula. When all hope is gone, Hook stumbles in, saying he was rescued by Ariel. Not only that, but she slipped through the portal and brought back Poseidon.


Why?

Because he has the magic shell with Ursula's voice. After thirty years, he's ready to set things right.

And maybe get a new breastplate. 

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The reunion is tidy and quick. Ursula gets her singing voice back, but unfortunately this probably means she's off the show.

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Or at least until that squid ink thing comes up again.*wink wink*

Mental Note:

If mermaids can cross through portals between worlds why did The Dark One go to all the trouble to groom Regina to manipulate her into casting the curse? Why didn't he just hire a mermaid to take him to find Baelfire in our world?

*gets headache*

Also, Regina had a dream about killing Robin Hood. She confides in Emma and asks if she could find his address and maybe follow him on snapchat.

Hook takes Emma aside and tells her she's his happy ending. Happy ending?

Dear ABC,

We get it. You have a penis thing going on this episode.

*wonders how many weird spam comments will be generated by having the word penis in this post*

Before she exits stage right, Ursula tells them, “Head's up, this is the super secret master plan: The Author can’t give villains their happy endings while the Savior is in the world, so Mr. Gold has decided to turn Emma’s heart dark forever.”

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Hook is confused (me too). He says, “But Emma will still exist even if her heart is dark.”

And besides, this is Once Upon A Time, the rules don't matter.
Ursula shrugs, “I’m just the messenger.”

If we're still fool enough after three and a half seasons to be expecting some larger plot arc that will tie all this together, then we're just, well...foolish.

I'm purely watching for the next August 'lying' situation.

Speaking of August, he explained that the Author was trapped in the Storybook itself. OMG! The Author is Flat Stanley!

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Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 17 “The Jolly Roger”

Or better title, "Hooked on Love"

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On a darkened forest trail a man in an iron mask robs a stage coach. It's Hook and he's been reunited with Bill Smead and his crew of pirates. There's only one problem, he's lost his ship.

The celebration party at a pub includes the gang chipping in to give Hook a night with one of the bar wenches. Hook takes her out back where he pays her off and tells her he's not interested.

Oh right, he's in love with Emma.

He's soon ambushed by another women. It's Ariel and she's super mad.

Emma and David try to put together the crib for the new baby. Regina arrives and tells them she's placed a protective spell around Mary Margaret's apartment to keep them safe from Zalena.

Emma is growing tired of the defensive tactics. She asks Regina to teach her magic so they can tag team against Zalena.

Bill Smead meets up with Hook on the waterfront of Storybrooke. They argue about the missing Jolly Roger. Smead wants to leave, but Hook is determined to stay because Emma thinks he's a fun sitter for Henry. Smead stomps off.

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Emma arrives and she tells him Regina is going to help hone her magical ability. Then she drops the bomb that once she helps get rid of Zalena, she and Henry will return to New York.

Hook gives her best sad eyes, “You can't pretend this never happened," he says. "No matter how much you want to return to your old life, it's never going to happen.”

Mary Margaret and David walk along the beach. A crowd has gathered. Ariel has washed up on shore.

She's been searching the ocean for over a year for Prince Eric. Since she didn't find him, she thought he must be in Storybrooke. Mary Margaret and David bring her up to date on Zalena. They also mention how Hook is the only one who still has memories of the missing year.

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Behind the tavern, Ariel holds Hook at knife point and accuses him of kidnapping Prince Eric. He says she's mistaken. But she can prove it because one of his men escaped from the Jolly Roger. She gives him a dagger with the initials BB. Hook laughs because he knows it's Black Beard who has the Jolly Roger.

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Bill Smead is a bit scared because you know...it's Black Beard. Hook says the Jolly Roger is more than a ship. He needs his ship back, it's what makes him a pirate. He's getting tired of being in love with Emma. He's worried he's getting soft.

Um...sorry. My mind wandered there for a moment.

Right, so Ariel insists on coming along so she can help rescue Prince Eric.

At Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, Hook teaches Henry how to gamble with dice and french fries. David brings Ariel to meet Hook and she asks if he's ever heard of Prince Eric.

Hook gives her a wink of his eyeliner and says, “No. Never heard of him.”

*Gasp* He's lying!

Regina takes Emma into the secret vault below her mother's crypt for magic school. Regina teases her that she and Hook are sweet on each other. Emma rolls her eyes. Regina hands her a book and tells her to start memorizing.

Emma says it's a waste of time. She needs skills speedy quick.

Fine. You asked for it.

Regina magics them above a bottomless gorge. Emma's on a suspension bridge while she's safe on the other side. The bridge starts to fall apart. “Go ahead,” Regina calls out. “Save yourself with magic.”

Hook, Smead, and Ariel go through the forest. Ariel lets it slip that Hook has a reputation for being nice since he reunited Snow White with her daughter. He says, “I'm a pirate and I always will be.”

She continues to insist that he's a champion of true love. He gets upset and grabs her by the large golden clasp on her purple robe. She freaks out that he touched her. The sea creature emblem belonged to Eric and she wears his robe to help her remember him while he's away.

Belle and Ariel reunite in Mr. Gold's shop. Ariel explains that she's hoping to find an object of Eric's. Hook goes into the back room. He finds Eric's sea creature clasp hidden behind a curtain. Ariel squeals with delight that he has found Eric's royal robe.

Emma does nothing while the bridge collapses around her. Regina yells, “Use your instinct!”

Emma falls out of sight, then slowly hovers over on a flying raft built from bits of bridge. Regina scoffs that all she had to do was repair the frayed rope.

Okay, that was easy.

Belle pours the locator spell on Eric's robe. It levitates and flies off to be with its owner.

Hook admires the Jolly Roger from behind a barrel on the wharf. He grabs a sword and walks on board, demanding Black Beard show his face. A sword fight ensues. Ariel slips below deck looking for Eric while Smead just stands there.

Slash. Pare. Punch. Push. Insult. Slash. Pare. Insult.

Hook is about to kill Black Beard when Ariel comes deck side and tells him Eric is not on board. She begs him to spare Black Beard's life. Black Beard says he's on an isolated island, but he'll only tell if Hook lets him live, which no real pirate would ever do.

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Ariel and Hook follow Eric's flying cape through Storybrooke and down to the docks. It ends up plunging into the ocean. Unless Eric is a merman...then...he must be...oh dear.

Hook holds her while she cries.

David is tired of being the boring baby sitter compared to Hook. He decides that Henry should take a driving lesson. It takes ten seconds for them to have a car accident.

Ariel tearfully thanks Hook for helping her find Eric's robe. She knows their story is over. She also tells him he is more than a pirate, he has a true heart.

Hook looks worried about being soft...hearted.

*Giggles*

Hook makes Black Beard walk the plank because he wants the Jolly Roger back, plus he's tired of being called soft. Ariel pleads for him to reconsider his choice. He says love will only bring her wasted years and endless torment.

Much like being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

He's actually doing her a favour by killing her true love. He pushes Black Beard off the plank and the sharks arrive to finish him off.

Ariel slaps Hook and says he'll never know love, and THAT will bring him wasted years and endless torment.

Copycat. Can't even come up with her own insult.

She jumps into the shark infested water, determined to find Eric's mystery island.

After watching her cry at the dock all evening, Hook confesses to Ariel the true story about how he chose his ship over Eric. He tells her he'd do anything to take it back. She says she can't trust a man who doesn't believe in love.

But Hook insists that indeed, he knows all about love.

She's all, Oh yeah, then vow on your love's name.

He says, “Emma Swan.”

Ariel turns in to Zalena. She tells him Ariel found Prince Eric not long after she jumped off the Jolly Roger last year. Hook looks relieved. Then she throws a ball of green light, hitting him on the mouth.

Is that how witches kiss?

She cackles and give a long monologue with plenty of sneering.

Here's the gist of what just happened; Hook's lips are now cursed so the next time he kisses Emma all of her magic will be gone.

He says it's a ridiculous plan and that he'll tell Emma. Hook calls her bluff because if Zalena wanted to kill Emma, she would have done it long ago. Zalena leaves him with this ultimatum; kiss Emma and remove her powers or everyone she loves dies.

*Cue the green smoke bomb*

Hook arrives at David and Mary Margaret's apartment but only Emma and Regina are there. He tells them he was helping Ariel and she found Prince Eric on an island the curse didn't reach.

Regina sees this as a teaching moment for Emma. To make sure Ariel reached the island, Regina shows Emma how she can use a mirror to look into different realms.

Okay, that was easy!

Anyway, we see Ariel and Prince Eric frolicking on the beach.

Emma looks at Hook with swoony eyes. “You did this? You gave her a happy ending?”

Mary Margaret and David arrive with Henry in tow. They say the driving lesson went...um okay. When she hears the good news about Ariel, Mary Margaret says. “Let's celebrate by eating out. Should we go to Granny's?”

Um...where the 'f' else?

They invite Hook, but he declines mumbling something about having his leather pants dry cleaned.

So, Mary Margaret, David, Emma, Regina and Henry all go out to dinner.

Hook walks the dark streets alone. He stops at the corner across from Granny's spying on Emma and the gang. He watches from the shadows.

Alone.

Staring at the lips he'll never be able to kiss.

Ever.

Again.

Relax, folks. We know that's not true because every rule in this show gets broken.  

Doesn't Henry think it's weird that Hook dresses like he's from The Rocky Horror Picture Show...like every day?

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Also, wouldn't Henry start to question why the Mayor is going out with them for dinner?

Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

Happily Ever After; Dating Service for Fictional Characters, Session Three

Voted as the number one on-line dating service for fictional characters.

It doesn't matter if you're a hero or a zero on the pages, our on-line dating service will help you find your soul mate.

We'll have you picking out matching bookmarks before you can say, 'library late fees'.

We helped Victor Frankenstein find love in our very first on-line chat room, and our second session featured a war or wits between Lydia Bennet, George Weasley, and Pip from Great Expectations.

This session is about to get started! Let's see who's looking for love today.


Moderator: Hello, everyone. I see we have a whole new group! Splendid. Who would like to start the conversation tonight? How about you, Ariel?

Mute Maid: First of all, I'm not used to using a computer. Being submerged in water most of the day cramps my social media presence. But since my voice was stolen I have no choice but to join an on-line chat group.

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Nancy Drew: Is that why your user name is 'Mute Maid'?

Mute Maid: You're a clever two legged one, aren't you?

Nancy Drew: It's kind of my thing, I guess.

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Jacob Black: Whoa, like did you just say, oops I mean type, two legged one? Does that mean you're not human? Hey, that's cool with me. So...how do you feel about four legs?

Romeo Montague: O, here upon this keyboard I press the letters that shall bequeath my purest dream come true. How is it that thou shall not speaketh, Mute Maid? And may the conviction of your soul bare to me the solution for all our woes the God's have vexed upon us.

Jacob Black: Dude. Like, what?

Nancy Drew: I think he's asking Mute Maid how she lost her voice.

Mute Maid: I made an unsavoury trade with a spiteful sea witch.

Percy Jackson: Oh yeah? What's her name? I might be able to help you out.

Mute Maid: Ursula is not to be underestimated. What do you know of the sea?

Percy Jackson: Quite a bit, actually. My dad is Poseidon.

Mute Maid: ZOMG! No way!!!

Jacob Black: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but a sea witch is no match for my cunning stealth and massive fangs.

Nancy Drew: Yikes! Are you half shark or something?

Jacob Black: Some know me as Shark Boy, but I'm a werewolf now.

Mute Maid: I don't suppose werewolves can swim?

Romeo Montague: Why then, O brawling love! O loving hate! Why then, does love create these bonds that tether us to a dateless bargain of engrossing death?

Nancy Drew: Sorry, was that a question or a statement?

Romeo Montague: Thouest have the loveliest of names, Miss Nancy Drew.

Nancy Drew: Thank you, Romeo. Tell me, what are some of your interests?

Romeo Montague: Sword fighting, revenge, buying tights and smart gold trimmed tunics, going to balls...

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Percy Jackson: Can we get back to the ocean thing? Mute Maid, are you free next Friday?

Jacob Black: Hey, Bro, back off. I don't care if your dad has a fish tail for legs and owns a magical fork—

Percy Jackson: It's called a Trident, fang face.

Jacob Black: Whatever. I'm a way better date than you. I can run fast and there's always plenty of homemade muffins and spaghetti at my house.

Mute Maid: What's spaghetti?

Nancy Drew: Hannah, our housekeeper, makes the best muffins!

Jacob Black: And I can swim really fast, too.

Mute Maid: That's important.

Jacob Black: And I never get cold, so we could travel to Antarctica or something and hang out on an ice flow.

Mute Maid: Oh...but how can I kiss you if you're a werewolf?

Jacob Black: No problemo, I can turn into a MAN whenever I want. Although since I can't travel with clothes when I'm a werewolf, I'll be naked when I transform to kiss you.

Nancy Drew: Insert awkward silence here.

Romeo Montague: O, pained heart! You speaketh the truth. The frosted breath of lovers denied cannot battle the boundaries of thine flesh.

Mute Maid: I think Romeo is right, Jacob. I'm not quite ready for naked hugs on the first date and I can't risk becoming sushi in your arms.

Jacob Black: Well, I didn't mean it THAT way!

Percy Jackson: Mute Maid, I can breathe under water. And I promise to wear clothes on our date.

Mute Maid: ....I'll be at the end of Pier 21 on Friday at 6pm. And you can call me Ariel.

Percy Jackson: Awesome, Ariel. I'll bring my underwater white board and waterproof marker.

Nancy Drew: Smart thinking, Percy!

Mute Maid: I'm sorry, Jacob.

Jacob Black: I'm used to be passed over. It's okay.

Romeo Montague: Love's heavy burden is great indeed. No man nor werewolf shall be king of such a cruel power.

Nancy Drew: Um...Jacob. I'm presently working on a case that involves suspicious night time activities surrounding a supposed haunted house on the edge of my town. I could use a brave, fast running assistant.

Jacob Black: I'll bring a thermos of spaghetti!

Nancy Drew: And pants as well please. Okay?

Jacob Black: Should I take a shirt too?

Nancy Drew: Um...I'll leave that up to you ;)

Moderator: I'm sorry to say our time has come to an end. Delightful session, everyone. Hoping to see you next time.

Romeo Montague: Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Moderator: Yes, thank you, Romeo. And remember, if you have to have an 'ever after', make sure it's a happy one. Until next time...



Who would you like to see show up in the next chat room?

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 7, "Dark Hollow"

Or better title "Where's the Headless Horseman?"

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We finally get the answer to the question that's been burning in our hearts since last season's dismal finale...

What's Belle been up to in Storybrooke?

After Mr. Gold handed her a vial filled with a protective spell, he sealed his tearful goodbye with a cringe-worthy kiss. Then he boarded the Jolly Roger knowing he'd never see Belle again. With the scratch of his grey stubble still fresh on her rosy cheeks, she explains to Grumpy, the Blue Fairy, and Dr. Hopper about how she now has a cloaking spell to keep Storybrooke safe from other magic haters—like Greg and what's her name.

It's a confusing moment; they're excited because the town didn't blow up, but now they're worried because other magic haters are coming to destroy them...again.

Just like last season.

The dwarfs lead Belle to their mine. They feverishly chip away at a huge diamond with their special axes. Once a crack has been made, Belle tips the vial, pouring the spell into the center of the diamond. A flame shoots up, high into the sky, creating a dome over the town—but not before a red convertible sneaks over the town border with two guys who look like they stepped out of Downton Abbey.

*Googles fairy tale characters from the 1920's*

Back on the beach of Neverland, Mr. Gold gives Ariel directions to Storybrooke. He tosses her an enchanted sand dollar that only Belle will know what to do with. Regina reminds Ariel that the magical bracelet will only give her legs for twenty four hours.

Why the time frame? I mean she is going on an errand to retrieve the only weapon that can defeat Peter Pan. Why make it harder for her?

Peter Pan knows Ariel has left the island, but he's not worried because he has spies in Storybrooke.

Spies with nerdy haircuts and tie clips.

Neal comes up with the plan to capture Peter Pan's shadow. If they have his shadow they can get off the island.

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The dwarfs picnic on the beach and are the first to see Ariel walk out of the water, bursting out of her bikini top and brand new legs. Looking through binoculars, our loafer loving dudes watch the scene unimpressed. They knew a mermaid was coming and they're going to make sure she never leaves.

Really? How? By boring her to death at the flower show? Oh, scary!

Belle sulks at Granny's diner/pub/laundromat, convinced Mr. Gold doesn't think she has the guts or brains to help save Henry. That must be the reason he left her behind!

Um...or maybe he knows he's going to die and he wants her to stay safe? Just a thought. *Rolls eyes* This is what happens when chicks date old guys who used to be super evil.

Before Belle can update her facebook status with a sad face emoticon, Grumpy arrives with Ariel and news that Mr. Gold is alive and needs her help to defeat Peter Pan.

Hooray! Belle has a purpose!

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She takes Ariel to Mr. Gold's shop and lends her a mini shirt and pair of heels. They talk about the mysterious sand dollar and how Belle is the only one who can unlock the message.

But how? She has no idea how to use magic.

Hold on! Belle picks up a magnifying glass and suddenly a hologram of Mr. Gold pops up from the shell. He tells Belle that if she's smart enough and loves him enough, she can find the 'magic thing' he needs to defeat Peter Pan. Belle is excited because now she's cool enough to be loved by an old guy who used to be super evil.

Peter Pan and Henry have a heart to heart, but Henry is unwilling to yield to his request to save the island with his belief in all things magical.

Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE), Neal and Emma create an awkward love triangle while they hang out in his cave. Neal lets them know his coconut shell isn't a star map. It's a Shadow Catcher. And everyone knows all the shadows hang out in the spookiest part of the island called Dark Hollow.

Better than Sleepy Hollow, I guess. Actually that would be awesome. A headless horseman would shake things up.

Belle and Ariel search Mr. Gold's shop. Ariel finds a brass button from the jacket Prince Eric was wearing the night she saved him from drowning. She gets all misty eyed and lets Belle know he's her true love and all that.

Belle nods, but stays quiet because this scavenger hunt is NOT about Ariel. It's about Belle being a hero and saving not only everyone in Storybrooke, but everyone trapped in Neverland. All she needs to find is the thing that holds the strength of her love for Rumpelstiltskin.

I'm stumped. I usually have to hold my hand over my mouth when they kiss, but I don't think that's it.

Never mind. It's the chipped teacup.

Now what? How will she figure out what to do with it? I mean, she has no idea how to use magic?

Belle places the cup back on the saucer in the cupboard. A glowing trail leads from the cup to a trap door in the floor. Belle retrieves a small box and shivers when she recognizes what it is. Before you can say 'Pandora's Box', the two mysterious nerds show up with guns.

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They tie up the girls and take Pandora's Box. Belle manages to get the guys monologuing, which is the best way to distract a villain. I turns out they're not magic hating party poopers, but spies for Peter Pan, and it's his order to destroy the box.

Plus, they have English accents. Although Belle has an Australian accent, so...yeah.

After Henry's fight with Peter Pan, he overhears mention of a prisoner that needs checking up on. He manages to escape from camp and follows one of the Lost Boys.

Why didn't he do this earlier? Also, wouldn't that be great if it was Schmexy?

David and Mary Margaret argue about him keeping his imminent death a secret, thereby creating tension in their idyllic relationship. However, since no one cares about these two, it's totally moot.

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Emma makes sure that CSE knows their kiss STILL doesn't mean anything. He tells her he will win her heart and it won't be because he's a tricky pirate but because he's way hotter than Neal.

Sorry, that part came out of my head. But we're all thinking it, right?

Emma stammers and says she's only concerned about saving her son, and maybe kissing CSE again so she can make sure she REALLY doesn't like him.

At least that would be my plan.

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Ariel and Belle manage to untie themselves. Belle reasons the only thing strong enough to destroy Pandora's Box is a dwarf's axe. She and Ariel run down Main Street toward the mine in their heels and mini skirts like an episode of Charlie's Angels.

Mary Margaret and David finally have a big fight. There are a couple quotes about love and then blah, blah, blah. She ends up in his arms saying, “You needed to believe in us.”

Gentle Joe Jeezer! Hasn't he done enough?

Neal explains all they need to do is light the candle in the coconut trap and the flame will absorb the shadow. The dudes argue about who is manly enough to use the lighter. The dementors—oh sorry, I mean the shadows arrive and quickly trap Neal and CSE. Emma cradles the shell in one hand and brandishes her sword with the other. The guys scream for her to leave, instead she uses her magic and lights the candle.

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Oh, yeah. She's magic! But only at the most awkward and desperate times or when the script calls for an easy out.

The shadows get sucked into the shell and all is well.

Henry continues to follow the Lost Boy like a ninja.

Who is in the cage? Please be the Sheriff! *closes eyes and prays*

Belle and Ariel arrive just as the skinny dude with the glasses raises the axe over Pandora's Box. Belle ignores their English accents and activates a mine cart. It knocks the villains off their penny loafers. The spies whimper on the dirt floor, they've reached their limit. They confess their sister has been Peter Pan's prisoner for a thousand years. They wanted to use the box to save her.

*Waves to John and Michael*

Peter Pan approaches the bamboo cage. He leans in and lets Wendy Darling out of her prison.

Weird. I hate this.

Ariel puts Pandora's Box in her waterproof bag and swims back to Neverland.

Henry continues to follow the Lost Boy and instead of a prisoner he finds Wendy Darling convalescing in a tree house. She explains her illness is connected to the island. The magic is dying and so is she. Henry promises to help her. But it's a set up, of course.

Ariel finds Mr. Gold and Regina waiting for her on Neverland's beach. She hands over Pandora's Box. Impressed with her speedy assistance, Regina enchants the bracelet so that she can have legs whenever she wants.

Emma can't take the guys bickering over her. She tells them the only one she loves is Henry.

Mary Margaret and David arrive at Tinkerbell's house with the good news about their plan to capture Peter Pan's shadow. She thinks they're bluffing until Emma shows up with her lover boys and a coconut shell full of shadows.

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Henry confronts Peter Pan about Wendy. Peter Pan presses again that Henry is the only one who can save the island because he is the truest believer. Henry says he is ready to help. Peter Pan smiles and shows him where he has to restore the magic, Skull Island—the darkest place in Neverland.

Which is like the Dark Hollows, but worse...I guess.

How many more ways can this show rip off Harry Potter?

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 6 "Ariel"

Or better title, "Spill the Beans!"

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Snow White is chased by two of the Queen's guards, and ends up jumping off a cliff high above the water. She's rescued by a mermaid named Ariel—hence the clever title.

Back on Neverland, Regina is trying to train Emma to channel her anger to make magic. Mary Margaret mumbles something about the dark arts. Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) whispers to David that Neal is alive and on the island. David thinks they should keep this a secret from Emma because Peter Pan might be lying, and they don't want to raise her hopes.

Mary Margaret argues back, “Secrets keep us from the people we care about.”

David rebuts, “But secrets also protect the ones we love.”


And Secret antiperspirant is made for a woman.

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Ariel and Snow White talk about true love while sunbathing on the rocks. Ariel gushes about Prince Eric and how she fell in love when she rescued him from a ship wreck a year ago. She empties her sea shell purse and shows Snow White an invitation she found. Prince Eric is having a ball that very night.

Squeals and jumping claps all around.

Ariel plans on meeting him there on two legs. She explains to Snow White that every year at the highest tide, the Sea Queen, Ursula grants mer-folk the ability to walk on dry land until the next high tide...twelve hours. She then asks Snow White to keep her fishtail a secret until Prince Eric has totally fallen for her.

Snow White says her secret is safe.

Yup. She's a great secret keeper. Remember Daniel? The stable boy?

Emma asks what David, CSE and Mary Margaret are up to. Faster than you can say, 'stable boy', Mary Margaret blurts out that Neal is alive and on the island.

Peter Pan spies on Mr. Gold as he tries some hocus pocus in the heart of the jungle.

Let me say it again, the dark scenes are killing me.

Peter Pan says it's impossible to see the future in a place where time stands still. Mr. Gold declares he doesn't need magic to make the future happen. Peter Pan goads over the fact that Mr. Gold has lost his son...twice and now Henry is unattainable. But the only way Peter Pan can die is if Mr. Gold dies. While Mr. Gold cringes under his failures, Peter Pan offers him a way off the island and back to Belle and Storybrooke, but only if he leaves speedy quick.

Regina thinks looking for Neal is a waste of time. With only tracks that show a struggle has happened, Mary Margaret and Emma are ready to follow the dirt trail. Regina mentions that it makes more sense to save Henry first, then get the grown up dude. Mary Margaret uses bizarre logic that Emma owes it to Henry to find his father.

Can't they do that after they save Henry?

Snow White and Ariel arrive in beautiful gowns for the ball.

How? Where did these dressed come from?

Snow White shows Ariel that the little tridents are actually forks. Ariel is amazed and pockets it in her sea shell purse.

I'm only mentioning this because the fork may become an important weapon later on.

        

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Anyway, Prince Eric comes down the stairs, looking fresh faced and ready for love. He smiles at Ariel. She smiles at him. She crosses the floor, and of course she trips. But he takes her in his arms and they start to dance. He thinks she looks familiar. He confesses she is the girl whose face he dreams of every night. After his shipwreck Ursula saved him and showed him a vision of his future, and it was Ariel's face!

Ariel denies this and says Ursula is just a myth.

Isn't this happening way too easy? Especially the dancing. She can't walk across the floor but she does the rumba effortlessly?

He says he is leaving the next day to explore distant lands, and he invites her to accompany him. She's confused because of the whole fish thing. He vows to wait on his balcony for her the next morning—you know, high tide.

The Evil Queen watches the ball through her magic mirror, miffed that Snow White didn't drown, and is in a party dress no less! But that Evil Queen is so smart and so slick, she thought up a diabolic plan and she thought it up quick.

Mr. Gold consults the Belle hologram. She urges him to return to Storybrooke so they can start a family. “Come home to me,” she begs. Regina arrives and starts to magically choke Belle. Mr. Gold tries to fight her off, but Regina's spell reveals that Mr. Gold has been confiding to the dark shadow thing all along.


                                               
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Emma confesses to Mary Margaret that she and CSE touched tongues. Mary Margaret assures her that Neal will understand. She tells her to hope that Neal is alive because she deserves a happy ending and all happy endings begin with hope.

Do you know who else deserves a happy ending. That's right, Schmexy.

Ariel is struggling with Prince Eric's proposal to travel with his caravan. Snow White urges her to tell him the truth and let him decide. Ariel only has three hours left. She stands at the waters edge and calls out to Ursula for guidance. Out of the water on eight tentacles, rises the Evil Queen (except she's wearing a blond wig and answers to the name Ursula).

Regina suggests that she and Mr. Gold team up to fight Peter Pan and save Henry since the Charmings are useless. Mr. Gold reminds her that his death is the only thing that will defeat Peter Pan. Regina says there must be something they can do, maybe something worse than death? Mr. Gold perks up at this and mentions an artifact in his shop.

Darn! If there was only a way to get back to Storybrooke.

The fake Ursula convinces Ariel that Eric will never want a mermaid as a girlfriend. Then she propositions a way for Ariel to keep her legs and keep her man. Ariel rushes back to Eric's castle. The sun is rising, it's almost high tide! Snow White is waiting for her on the wharf.

It's so convenient the castle edges the ocean.

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Anyway, Ariel excitedly tells Snow White she can escape the Evil Queen. She places a cuff bracelet on Snow White. In a plume of green smoke, Snow White's legs have turned into a mermaid tail. Ariel gushes about this latest plot twist. “Isn't it great!” she says. “I keep my legs and you get my tail. Now you can travel to my world and be safe forever.”

The tracks in the dirt lead Emma and the gang to a cave. CSE recognizes it as the Echo Cave, a prison without walls. The only way out is give over your deepest, darkest secret. The cave demands you reveal a truth about yourself, a truth you'd never tell anyone. CSE is convinced Peter Pan put Neal in the cave so that they would all have to dish their dirty laundry in order to save him.

The Evil Queen shows up on Prince Eric's wharf. Snow White struggles to remove the bracelet, but it's permanent. Ariel realizes she was duped. Snow White insists Ariel run to Prince Eric—at least she can have a chance at a happy ending. The Evil Queen starts the choking spell on Snow White. Suddenly, Ariel jumps behind her and thrusts the fork (I knew it!) into her neck.

The distraction works. Ariel quickly removes the cuff from Snow White's wrist, making her legs reappear. Now as a mermaid, Ariel grabs Snow White and dives into the ocean. The Evil Queen stomps her foot on the wharf.

Because what else can she do? There's nothing magical she can do to stop them? Really? Nothing? Fire ball? Shark frenzy? Ice burg?

Emma and the gang enter the Cave of Echoes and peer across a dark, bottomless chasm. Perched on a lone rocky plateau, in his bamboo cage, is Neal. He calls to Emma. Knowing there is no way across, but to tell their secrets, CSE ends the awkward silence by saying his kissed Emma.

Since this is only a secret to David, it's not that ground breaking. However, CSE then tells us that he never thought he'd love again after his Mila died.

Remember her, right? Rumpelstiltskin's wife.

Anyway, CSE's confession of love or 'something kind of like it' for Emma, magically extends a rock bridge a quarter of the way toward Neal.

*cough* love triangle *cough*

Mary Margaret is up next. She says she feels cheated that they missed Emma's childhood. And she wants to have another baby as soon as they get back to Storybrooke.

I'll point out that she didn't mention David necessarily had to be the father.

The rock bridge grows closer to Neal. David goes all gushy, but then he drops the bombshell that since he took the cure for dream shade, he'll die if he ever leaves Neverland. Bridge extends the entire way.

Everyone looks to Emma. She races toward Neal's cage. She tries to smash it open with her sword, but the only way to free Neal is for her to confess her deepest, darkest secret. When she found out he might still be alive she was terrified. As soon as she saw him again in New York, she knew she had never stopped loving him. But loving him and losing him is too painful. She was hoping he was actually dead so she could finally get over him.

The cage opens and they embrace. Now that Neal is free, the plan is to get the co-ordinates off his ceiling star map, get Tinkerbell, rescue Henry, and then get off the island. Except for David, because of the death thing. Emma takes Neal aside and tells him she's still wary of them becoming 'Nemma' again. He totally understands but he's still going to try and win her back. CSE watches from behind the ferns.

Which is easy to do because it's so frickin' dark. All the time. In every scene.

Mary Margaret gives David the cold shoulder since he kept his poisoning from her. She doesn't understand the concept of secret keeping.

*cough* stable boy *cough*

Ariel safely delivers Snow White to a nearby beach in British Columbia, Canada! She encourages her seek out Prince Eric and tell him the truth. Because the truth can set you free.

It can also set up a life long vendetta. See stable boy note above.

However, Ariel takes her advice and rushes back to the Prince's balcony, conveniently overlooking the water. He waits, hoping she'll appear soon. She calls out from the water, but there is silence. She has lost her voice!

The Evil Queen laughs from the wharf, perched on a wooden keg. She took the mermaid's voice on purpose. The only thing worse than telling the Prince and being rejected is never having the chance to find out the truth; never having a chance at a happy ending. Ariel cries...silently and does a full body breech. When the Evil Queen returns triumphantly to her castle, the real Ursula appears and threatens her to never impersonate her again.

Regina and Mr. Gold go to the Neverland beach. She takes the conch shell and sounds the horn across the ocean. Ariel arrives looking really pissed. Since mermaids can travel between realms, she can go to Storybrooke to get the 'special death device' from Mr. Gold's shop. Regina gives her back her voice and tosses her a magical cuff, promising that this time she can have legs and control over them. When Ariel still refuses to help, Regain plays her trump card—just like all the other fairy tale characters, Prince Eric was whisked away to Storybrooke as well.

Giddy up!