The Bachelorette, Season 9, The Finale Part Two "Twenty Minutes of Content In Two Hours"

sheknows.com

*Hits fast forward and skips first five minutes of show*

The host talks to a live studio audience and we watch Des deal with the fallout from the Brookster skipping out on the love train.

What will Des do?

Cry, actually.



facebook.com

She has an interview with the host in her tropical location. It goes basically like this for the next ten minutes.

The host: Asks a question.

Des: cries

The host: asks another questioned

Des: cries

Repeat

The host points out to Des that there are two guys who signed up for the show and have told Des they love her. So...?

Des says, “My heart is broken, but my spirit isn't.”

Translation: I'm ready to keep this free tropical vacation going.

Chris and Drew arrive for the rose ceremony and the host makes the obvious observation that Brooks is not part of their trio anymore. Des comes out and tells them Brooks went home on his own. The guys fight the instinct to high five each other.

Des weeps and begs them to tell her if they have any feelings about going home.

Are you kidding? Chris and Drew are so in love, they'd probably marry each other at this point.

Drew tells us, “I'll never leave Desiree.”

Well, if she chooses Chris that could be awkward.

The host goes through the live studio audience asking all the ladies their opinions. At least that's what I think he was saying, I fast forwarded through that part too.

Des has her last date with Drew before he meets her parents. She tells us, “I hope to fall in love with Drew as much as I love Brooks.”

I have a feeling this will be Des' answer for everything.

The host: Say, Des, how are your nachos?

Des: They're good, but I wish I loved them as much as I love Brooks.

She and Drew go horseback riding to the beach, but she's just not feeling the love. What she is feeling is weepy. In a scene straight from last week's episode, Des begins to cry as she tells Drew that she can't see them having a future together.

Translation: I don't love you as much as Brooks...or nachos.

Drew: “Um...I don't know....I didn't see this coming...”

Des: “I'm so sorry.”

Drew: “Don't be sorry. You can't control who you fall in love with. This hurts, and I don't know when it will really sink in, but...I guess this is good-bye.” Then he hugs her and says, “I hope you find your happiness.”

Way to go Brooks, you selfish bastard. How many hearts does Brooks have to be responsible for breaking?!

                                                                               wetpaint.com

Des has narrowed it down to Chris. When they meet for their last date, there's a totally different vibe. She's smiling and kissing him, so yeah, already better than Drew's date. Then Chris mentions he has a BIG shoulder for her to cry on.

There's more kissing, more sailing, more little giggles, and of course more drinking.

Brooks who?

Des tells us, “I'm just going to trust my heart, and let my heart decide what it needs.”

I have the same theory about potato chips, except it's my stomach that I let decide.

Des asks Chris to meet her family. He has a gift for her. It's a journal. And Surprise! There's a poem written in the back. Des starts to cry because she feels so lucky.

*hits fast forward*

FYI: I've watched approximately twenty minutes of this two hour show.

In the live audience are past players, sorry I mean contestants of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I was still fast forwarding at this point. I couldn't tell you what they said, but it was probably something like this, “I wish people still cared about who I was kissing.”

Chris meets Des' family...including her awesome brother who I totally dig for his straight up logic in this whole silly mess.

He doesn't pull any punches, but Chris answers his questions as honestly as he can. Chris then meets with Des' dad and he asks for her hand in marriage...you know, just in case.

Des sits down with her brother, ready for his brutally honest critique. He asks if she wants this guy FOREVER. She says yes, and he tells her he likes Chris.

Then he asks her about Brooks. Amazingly, Des doesn't cry. However it plants a seed of doubt.

*Cue the sad piano music*

Chris picks out a diamond ring, unaware that Drew has been kicked off the island. Des gets dressed up and she begins to cry...again. “I don't have a clue what I'm going to do. I have to tell Chris the truth about Brooks, I have no idea what he's going to do.”

Write a poem?

                                                  Henry Cavill looking like Chris' older brother
                                                                     citytvyahoo.com

Des waits on the proposal platform. Chris enters looking like Henry Cavill's little brother. He gives her a long practiced speech about all the fun they've had together and something about a future...blah, blah, blah.

He's about to get down on his knee when she stops him. Des drops the bombshell that she let Drew go home, and that Brooks leaving tore apart her heart.

Then she says, “I was so blindsided by my feelings for Brooks, that I couldn't see that the one thing I needed was right in front of me.”

The birds sing, the violins start, then they both sniff and cry.

Chris finally gets down on his knee and proposes.

Hooray! It's over!!!

P.S. Des joined the host on stage for the live show, but I turned off the TV. I hope you understand.

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 5, "Polka, Pouts, and Mountain Peaks"

abclocal.com

 

The fellas get a free trip to Munich, Germany! They arrive in matching zip up hoodies.

Here's some of their comments while walking through the historic city.

“That's a cool building.”

“This is so cool.”

They boys can't believe how awesome their hotel room is and they jump for joy in their matching hoodies.

                                                                         poptower.com

Chris, (Henry Cavill's twin) explore Munich with a phrase book, and a team of camera men.

Back at the hotel, Bryden takes time to do an interview about how lonely he feels. He talks with the other guys about how he's not getting to second base with Des.

James says, “Yeah, man.” And then looks around the room for help.

Bryden is find Des, and let her know he's needy.

I think she already knows, champ.

Chris is so handsome in his pea coat! He and Des sample all the vendors and try on lederhosen, and take loads of selfies. They dance the polka and charm everyone watching. Even the doves fly down from the sky.

Chris says, “Nothing can go wrong.”

Bryden goes into the streets with a camera crew asking random people if they've seen and camera crew near by.

Um, yes, behind you, idiot.

Bryden says, “I hope Des isn't too upset when she finds out I want to leave.”

Amazingly, Bryden finds Chris and Des.

What are the odds? It's as if the producers have cell phones or something.

Bryden apologizes for interrupting the perfect date and he takes her off to the side, camera crew in tow.

*Cue the creepy piano music*

Bryden gives Des the news that he wants to go home. She replies, “Are you going home now, then?” Then she says, “Good-bye, Bryden.”

Meanwhile, Chris is preparing to alleviate her pain.

Des is a bit weepy because she's tired of being dumped. Chris is there with a big hug and handsome shoulder. He tells her that he's in for the long run, until the end...until that last rose.

Then they kiss and drink double pints of beer.

Right on, Des!

Michael and Ben are chosen to go on the two on one date. Michael says, “Great. I'm on a date with the one guy I detest.”

Michael, you're not dating Ben.

Then Michael vows to slay Ben like a gladiator.

Mercy!
 

Des and Chris have an elegant dinner under chandeliers. She says, “It feels so natural to be with him, nothing is forced.”

They bond, they laugh, and she imagines him pulling off his dress shirt revealing a big red S on a blue t-shirt.

He tells Des that he's ready to have a relationship and start a family.

She tells him she likes a man who can compliment her and let her know how he's feeling.

Right on cue, Chris whips out another poem he wrote for her on the red eye trip from the states. Des cries and before you can say, 'Bryden who?' She reaches for the rose.

Hooray! The Man of Steel, Stole Her Heart!

Then a musician suddenly appears and they have a private concert.

Time for the Group Date!



wetpaint.com

Des takes them into the mountains and she's wearing a Canada Goose Down Filled Jacket!

Yay! Canada.

They take a gondola up the mountain. Here's some of the comments...

“This is so cool.”

“Oh, wow!”

“Wow, no way.”

“That is so awesome.”

When they reach the top each of the guys take a turn yodeling.

I could have lived without that.

Then they sled down the hill, and crash over and over again.

Zak reminds us, “We're here for love and sometimes you just have to let go.”

There is a snowball fight and one doorknob hits Des in the face. She laughs, but seriously, guys, don't ever, ever do that.

Des and the guys tour an ice hotel. They lounge on furs and eat pretzels and wine. Des lets the guys know that if they're feeling like Bryden the-sookie-baby, they should ship out speedy quick.

They guys waste no time in letting her know, she's THE ONE.

Des blinks her doe eyes back at all the compliments. She and Brooks make out and she secretly hopes Bryden watches the reruns in his boxers while eating cereal... all alone.

Mikey and Des make little snowmen and talk about how many kids they will have, then Zak perches on a nearby rock and practices his yodeling.

Zak tells Des he once wanted to be a priest. He said he came to Europe, climbed a mountain and decided he wasn't ready to be a priest after all.

Des says, “Wow.”

James sulks under the fur blanket's and says, “It's hard to be on a date with seven other guys.”

Des finally gives the rose to 'the person who brings out the best in her, even she's having a bad day'...and that person is Brooks.

James can't believe it, since Brooks looks nothing like him and is only half as interesting.

Now it's time for Ben and Michael to kill each other to go on their two on one date with Des.

Michael is going to use his trial tactics (he's a lawyer) to expose evil Ben. Des planned this date on purpose to see how long it takes Michael's heart to explode if the guys can get over their intolerance of each other.

Des takes the guys on a motor boat hot tub that they can maneuver around the lake. She asks them relationship questions. Michael is clearly pissed off with ANY answer Ben gives.

Des looks longingly at the coastline.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, Drew and Kasey tell Brooks and Chris that they overheard Mikey and James talk about all the hot chicks they will be able to date when the show is over because they're going to be super amazing celebrities.

Men are stupid.

And now I'm worried, since I know the names of all the guys.

                                                                    wetpaint.com                 
 

Des, Ben and Michael have dinner with an order of Pepto Bismol. Michael asks Ben why he doesn't have any friends in the house. Ben gives an answer, and Des chuckles awkwardly and takes a sip of wine.

Michael pushes the issue and poor Des brings up the question of family traditions. Ben talks about going to Church with his family, then Michael pipes in...again.

Didn't he watch The Bachelor? It didn't work with Tierra and it won't work now. I wonder how most of Michael's trials go?

Ben works hard not to reach across the table and choke Michael. Des considers not giving the rose to either of them since she really only wants to be in her hotel room drinking by herself at this point.

Des gives the date rose to...Michael.

                                                                        blog.suntimes.com

Ben walks out, clearly upset. He uses his time in the limo to plot Michael's downfall.

When Michael returns to the hotel, the boys rejoice—not because Ben's gone, but because Michael isn't really competition.

It's time for the rose ceremony!

Des looks lovely and is dressed to crush someone's heart. She and the host have a little talk and I fast forward. She then announces there will not be a cocktail party, instead they'll go straight to the rose ceremony.

Drat! Now Kasey and Drew can't tell her about James and Mikey's plan to score with hot babes after the show.

I fast forward until one rose remains on the tray. It's between Mikey and James! The last rose goes to...James.

Mikey, the plumber is going home.

This is a contest to find a husband! Why is she getting rid of the plumber?

Mikey is totally surprised. He says, “I have a lot of offer. I think she missed out on a guy like me.”

Yeah, I think that's the point.

The Bachelorette, Season 9, Episode 3, "Cheaters, Criers, and Liars"

realitytea.com

 

Last week it was a rap video. What on earth does ABC have planned for this group date?

Des meets the guys in front of a garage. She watches her fellas come out of the limo and smiles. She says, “The men are just amazing.”

I'm sad to see that Brandon, the flesh colored underwear guy from last episode, has chosen to wear an orange sweatband around his head.

Vote for Pedro!

Sorry, wrong show.

Des reveals their group date is with a group of angry looking guys who are the national dodgeball team...but I suspect it may be the group of guys who didn't make it past the audition for the show.

Let's be clear, this isn't dodgeball from high school, this is dodgeball that can snap the head off your neck. The pretty boys get nervous because an emergency rhinoplasty could be in their immediate future.

Des says she can't wait to see the guys in their natural environment.

Then why aren't they all sitting on a couch playing Nintendo?

When the national team get tired of pummeling the guys, the host shows up and tells them they're splitting into two teams and the winner gets to continue their date with Des.


As if last week's rap video wasn't worse enough, the guys are dressed in blue and red shorty shorts, tank tops, knee high socks, and God help me, matching sweat bands.
 

This shouldn't be called The Bachelorette, it should be called, How To Make White Guys Do Stupid Things On TV.

                                                                    wetpaint.com
 

Mikey T, the plumber says, “It was extremely intense.”

Drew, the marketing consultant on the blue team tells us, “This was so intense.”

Dear ABC,

Maybe the next date can be a trip to the library.

Things get 'intense' when Brooks drops to the ground, clutching his hand. He's taken to the hospital for an x-ray. Des applies lip gloss and the game continues.

The blue team wins. Zack, a book publisher wins the game...WAIT!!! Book publisher! How did I miss that?

Zack is my new favorite.

Des calls everyone in for a group hug and announces they're all invited to the dinner party.

WHA??

Remember in "Montana is Tierrable" how pissed Des was when Sean invited the losers to the party after she helped her team win the stupid challenge by chugging goat's milk?

Brooks will be so happy that not only has he broken his finger for nothing, but that he's also missing a dinner party.

Des says, “I'm so worried about Brooks. Today was supposed to be a fun day of dodgeball.

New flash, sister! No one has ever used 'fun' and 'dodgeball' in the same sentence.

During the dinner, mainly of booze, Brad, an accountant lets Des know he used to be a woman. Just kidding, he told her her has a three year old son. Des melts and coos as he talks about being a single dad and that he's here to find love.

Chris, the mortgage broker is worried because he hasn't had anytime with Des. He takes her to the rooftop helicopter pad and she's super stoked.

I can't help but notice how Chris kind of reminds me of Henry Cavill.

Chris, wetpaint.com                                                                                                                                   Henry Cavill. tvgoups.yahoo.com

 

Des tells him she saw him smiling at her all day, and says, “It's the small things that make a difference.”

I'm guessing Chris doesn't want to be remembered as the guy with small things.

Brooks shows up in his 1970's workout gear and wrapped up finger. I think he still might have some pain killer in his system. They make-out under a blanket.

Des gives the rose to Chris.

Yay! Man of Steel My Heart!!!

She takes Chris for a private concert in the garden. They begin to dance, but the kissing is awkward.

I fast forward through the next song as well.

Brandon watches from his perch from above and pouts. Um...just like he did last episode.

Dear Brandon,

Enough with the creepy.

Love,

Aunt Bethany

Des gets ready for her date with Kasey and says, “I really hope one of my potential husbands are in this group because all these guys are amazing.”

This episode is neither amazing or intense.

The host calls and lets Des know of some delicious gossip about one of the guys.

Who is it? Which of the fellas has a girlfriend?

Des jumps in her convertible and heads over to the mansion. She looks around the room and asks Brian to talk with her for a moment.

Hold on! Brian was the only normal guy from last week's episode!

While they talk about past relationships, the host walks in with another woman and you can almost hear the producers lick their chops.

The guys rush to the window to watch Brian's 'girlfriend' have a breakdown.

Yikes, things get stupid really fast. I cringe while they spill their pathetic relationship history. Des tells Brian to leave.

I bet Larry, the dancing doctor looks pretty good now huh, Des?

I fast forward through the packing scene and the girlfriend's limo departure.

Kasey goes on the solo date with Des and has an opportunity to help her forget all about what's-his-name.

Brandon is particularly bothered that Brian's girlfriend was a single mom. He gets shirtless in the kitchen and weeps saying, “I don't want to fall in love and have someone leave me.”

*whistles and looks everywhere but at the TV*

What does Des have planned for her date with Kasey? Mini golf? Maybe lunch by the beach? A movie?

Nope.

Dancing on the side of a building.

*Rolls eyes*

They get tethered to ropes and scale a building. Amazingly, it wasn't the best idea. They cut it short and have a candle light picnic by the pool, but then the wind picks up. They forgo the drinks and put on their bathing suits and jump into the pool. It's freezing.

Poor Des. What a terrible day!

But Kasey is still pretty slick and he manages to get in some kissing. Des gives him the date rose.

It's time for the next group date!

*Shudders*

Instead of a limo, a stage coach is waiting for them.

Oh dear God...

*prayers for guys*

Des is dressed like Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke. It's soon apparent the guys are doing stunts—Hollywood style.

Dear ABC,

Heard of Mini golf? Apple picking? Go-cart racing? Hot Yoga?

                                                    examiner.com
 

Anyway, all the guys get dressed up like cowboys ready to be Des's hero. They learn how to lasso, quick draw their pistols, and play fight. Now the guys have to do all that stuff on a horse to win some alone time with Des.

Juan did the whole scene speaking Spanish and he was freakin' hilarious. He wins the date with Des and they walk off into the sunset...or rather the barn where they watch The Lone Ranger.

Juan says, “I try my best.”

Dear ABC,

Finally, a movie. See, was that so hard?

They make out and the kissing is NOT awkward.

Ten points for Juan.

Des says, “Watching a movie with Juan is so fun!”

I bet.

They all relax around the camp fire enjoying a liquid supper. Then Des spends solo time with each of the guys. Every guy is in love with Des, and she's in love with every guy loving her. The cuteness is almost unbearable.

James is worried about his dad who is sick back home. He comes out and asks Des if she can see the two of them together in the future. She wants to reassure him and so she gives him the rose.

Well played, James.

Instead of a cocktail party, there's a pool party.

*Cue the chest shots*

Ben leaves the mansion and meets Des as she pulls up in her powder blue convertible. He talks her into going on a private drive and woos her some more. When they return, a few of the guys watch them kiss in the driveway.

Mikey T is so mad at Ben!

The dude with diabetes holds up a hand and says, “You cannot scramble that egg.”

Tough talk. My ears are burning.

Brandon gets Des alone and lets her know how much Brian leaving a single Mom bothered him. He tells her, “I'm never going to take you for granted. I'm falling in love with you and we've barely even talked.”

Des smiles and pats his arm awkwardly.

I predict an emotional good-bye interview coming up for Brandon.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

Fast forward.

Going home are Brandon, and some dude that may have gone on the ranch date, but I'm not sure.

Brandon tells her she's making a huge mistake. She runs after him and tells him she doesn't feel any chemistry and didn't want to keep him around knowing that he wasn't the one.

Brandon says, “I can't even cry, I'm out of tears.”

                                        

                                                   abcbachelorette.com
 

Dear Brandon,

You're a very cute guy. It sucks you had such a hard time growing up. Instead of signing up for reality shows, concentrate on your business, spend time with friends, take up yoga, take cooking classes, go get healthy and the right girl will find you.

Love,

Aunt Bethany

Who thinks Chris looks like Henry Cavill?